Elementary

Oh, I’ve missed you, show. Admittedly, I’m slightly annoyed with you for casting the excellent John Noble (everyone’s favorite dad for daddy issues) and then only giving him roughly twelve seconds of screen time at the very end of the episode — bastards– but other than that, this was a very solid premiere. (I know, I know, he’s sticking around. You’re still a bunch of damn teases, all of you.)

I will never get tired of watching Sherlock and Joan trying to take care of each other. They have one of my very favorite platonic relationships anywhere on TV, and Jonny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu work really well off one another. I also really liked Sherlock’s moment with Gregson, since I was expecting the latter to be all, “Grrr, argh, you did bad things!” instead of saying, “You’re acting like you did something; something was done to you.” It was a welcome surprise, and maybe, hopefully hinted that Elementary isn’t planning to just let Sherlock recover from what happened in an episode or two? (Elementary is usually pretty good about that sort of thing, actually, which is undoubtedly one of the reasons I enjoy it so much.)

The case itself isn’t anything deeply exciting — I guessed David Zayas was the bad guy just from seeing his name in the credits — but I didn’t mind so much, considering just how much emotional fallout the show had to deal with. And can I just say, that killer dude who shot himself in the head? He was super effectively creepy. I tried to look up the actor to give him kudos, but couldn’t seem to find him. Well, anyway. Kudos, Mystery Actor!

FAVORITE PART:

Not sure. “My compliments to the virgins whose blood you bathe in” was a pretty great line. Also, the scene were Joan threatens to punch Sherlock’s Dad’s Snotty Assistant in the face. That was pretty good for me.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

A-

The Librarians

I was so happy when The Librarians got renewed — it’s such a silly, fun, enjoyable show — but the two-part season premiere was really just okay for me. It wasn’t bad, exactly; it just felt a little off for some reason. Forced, maybe. Part of it, probably, has to do with Flynn, who I just don’t think fits in all that well with the rest of the team. And I was a big fan of Carter and ER in my day, but I can’t help but feel that Noah Wyle just doesn’t have quite the right amount of manic charm for the role. (I’m sure I’ve said this before, but watching him here mostly makes me yearn for Matt Smith, who could probably do this part blindfolded.)

Worse, the more time we spend with Flynn, the less time we spend with the characters I’d rather be watching, which is literally everyone else in the cast. I feel kind of bad about it, but I’m pretty happy Flynn’s not going to be in every episode because I think the team actually has a more interesting dynamic without him.

Lest it all be negative, I did still have some fun watching “And the Drowned Book” and “And the Broken Staff.” I enjoy the whole idea of the Fictionals and I look forward to their villainous shenanigans. (Although Prospero and Moriarty, while decent enough, kinda make me miss Matt Frewer as the Big Bad. Then again, I’m pretty partial to that guy.) I know Baird made me laugh a few times, although I can’t seem to remember any of her lines now. (I really should start taking notes for these things.) And I was definitely amused by the failed hug-it-out defense against Frankenstein’s monster. I love it when hugs fail because I’m a terrible person.

FAVORITE PART:

Yeah, probably Frankenstein’s monster. (Though I wouldn’t minded if he looked even slightly less silly.) Oh, or Ezekiel’s defense on why he doesn’t know how to use a card catalogue: “It’s the 21st century. I don’t know how to shoe a horse, either.” Word.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B

Supergirl

This show has been getting some serious love online — nerds, critics, presumably some regular people, too — but so far, I’ve gotta be honest: I’m kinda iffy on it. On the upside, I think Melissa Benoist herself has a ridiculous amount of charm, and I really enjoy watching her as Kara. Not everyone can fully rock that whole adorkable vibe, but so far she seems up to the challenge. I also didn’t call that her sister Alex — crap, it’s gonna be really hard not calling her Lexie — was a secret field agent, so that was a pleasant surprise. And Jimmy — crap, it’s gonna be really hard not calling him Eggs — is pleasant enough to look at/listen to. Also on the plus side: casting Dean Cain and Helen Slater as Supergirl’s adopted parents, not to mention pretty much everything about Calista Flockhart.

That all being said . . . look, I don’t mind showcasing more optimistic superhero stories; I really don’t, but guys, some of the dialogue here is painfully earnest. Obvious, too. I don’t want to be able to guess half the things the characters are about to say, especially if they’re going to say supremely stupid things like, “Why, because she’s a girl? That’s exactly what we were counting on!” Sweet Jesus, enough. You could make a drinking game off this pilot; take a shot whenever a character makes it obvious that this is a Female Superhero Show. And don’t get me wrong — I’m not asking for Supergirl to be a show where the superhero just happens to be female, like I’m totally fine with them acknowledging her gender and the bullshit she has to face because of it. But the lack of the subtlety in the dialogue just kills me dead. I want to feel empowered watching Supergirl, not pandered to. Mostly, however, I felt pandered to, and pissed off because of it.

Being fair, though, this is a pilot. There’s plenty of time for improvement in the script . . . but I know that if it doesn’t come in the first season, there’s no way I’m making it to the second. I will also need Friendzone to improve rapidly because I can’t possibly express just how bored I am by that whole tired setup. And while I know Hank Henshaw is supposed to be an ass, could he somehow be, like, less of an annoying ass? Because his dickishness is so one-note at this point that I just want to yawn whenever he opens his mouth.

FAVORITE PART:

Hm. Maybe Kara’s excitement when she saves the plane? It’s always nice seeing someone embrace the powers that you would kill for, rather than treating them like it’s some massive curse.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B

It’s interesting. I work night shift and sleep during the day. My sister works evenings and sleeps during the night. I work two weekends a month. My sister works three weekends a month. We never have the weekend off together, so there’s really only one weekend every month that we’re both working . . . and yet Netflix has somehow managed, once again, to pick that precise weekend to release Jessica Jones, ensuring that it would take much longer than our little geek hearts would like to marathon the shit out of it.

I think what I’m trying to say here is, “Screw you, Netflix.” But also, kind of not? Cause while Jessica Jones isn’t perfect, it’s still pretty damn awesome.

DISCLAIMER:

Mild to moderate SPOILERS here. I won’t reveal any big plot developments before the Spoiler Section (where I will also discuss big happenings in Daredevil, so beware), but if you haven’t watched the show yet and have been religiously avoiding any analysis/criticism/praise of the show, you should probably also skip this review. Cause there are, like, Themes and Issues. We will definitely be discussing the Themes and Issues.

SUMMARY:

Jessica Jones (Krysten Ritter)–super strong, can kinda/not really fly, not terribly nice, and drinks like a damn sailor–is just trying to make it one day to the next as a private investigator after surviving a horrifically traumatic experience at the hands of Evil-as-Fuck Kilgrave (David Tennant). But when the previously assumed dead Kilgrave returns, Jessica has to decide if she can rise to the role of hero and get rid of her nemesis once and for all.

NOTES:

1. So, I really enjoyed Jessica Jones. I think it’s got some plotting problems, particularly in the second half, but there’s a whole lot I think this show does amazingly well, including some stuff I’ve never seen from Marvel before. Let’s look at our heroine first.

It’s not surprising that Jessica Jones is so different from the other Marvel female leads, considering how little competition there is in that department. If we’re talking only heroes or heroines who are the undisputed lead of their own movie or television show (and haven’t simply been a lead in a team story like Agents of SHIELD or X-Men), well. For boys, we’ve got Wolverine, Spiderman, Iron Man, Hulk, Captain America, Thor, Daredevil, and Ant-Man. For girls, we’ve got Agent Carter. And now Jessica Jones.

Out of any of them, girl or boy, Jessica Jones is easily the most antihero of the bunch. She’s flawed as hell: mean, closed off, regularly makes poor life choices. She’s also funny and sympathetic and, most importantly, a person. Whenever anyone talks about likable characters, there’s always that one dude who rolls his eyes because he equates likable to infallible, but Jessica Jones fucks up all the time and yet I still give a damn about her. That’s the difference. (A small rant: the only time in the whole series when I didn’t like Jessica was in the pilot, when she was spying on people and the show stops to have a funny at the idea of fat people exercising. Man. I’ve never seen that joke before, and I don’t have any idea why the idea of exercising in public sometimes makes me uncomfortable. In related news, bite my sweet chunky ass, show.)

Krysten Ritter does a fantastic job in the role. I read the entire Alias omnibus by Brian Michael Bendis in like two days and fell in love with it, so I was really hoping Ritter would make it work, and she does. It’s funny, too, because the first thing I ever saw her in was Veronica Mars, and man, Jessica Jones is about as far away from Gia Goodman as you can possibly imagine. It kind of makes me want to rewatch the second season now, just to giggle.

2. What makes Jessica Jones so great isn’t that she’s an antihero, or at least, it isn’t just that she’s an antihero. (Female antiheroes are generally less well-tolerated than male ones, though, so yeah, it is kind of nice to get a woman who just doesn’t give a shit.) It’s also that she is a victim who isn’t only a victim.

One of the things I like about this show is that we get to see Jessica’s life before Kilgrave, as well as after. I like this primarily because we find out that that she wasn’t some perfectly happy, well-adjusted, disgustingly sweet girl before suffering a trauma that turned her into this completely different person. Trauma affects everyone differently; what it doesn’t do is turn you from one one-note cliche into a different one-note cliche, and using rape as a lazy shorthand for Loss of Innocence is cheap and kind of gross. That’s not what Jessica Jones does here. This is very much a survivor’s story, and it’s her story, not her rapist’s or her parents’ or her boyfriend’s. That’s excellent to see.

3. And it’s important to note, too, that Kilgrave is a very different kind of villain than we’ve seen from Marvel before.

The vast majority of Marvel villains are boring as hell, and their motivation usually falls under one of the following: wants revenge, wants to destroy the world, wants to make the world a better place (which, generally, means ruling it with an iron fist). There are, of course, examples of good villains who are motivated by any or all of those things, but so many of them are predictable and flat. I’ve found myself pretty bored by even the ones who were endlessly praised, like Wilson Fisk in Daredevil, who never struck me as terribly original and, in all honesty, often seemed unnecessarily over the top. (Sometimes, just for fun, I still like to hiss, “This CITTTTTTTY.”)

But even if Vincent D’Onofrio’s performance worked for you, as it worked for many, I don’t think you can argue that Fisk brings anything new to the table when it comes to villainy and the types of superhero stories we tell. Kilgrave, though. Kilgrave is basically the personification of male entitlement. Other Marvel villains have certainly been entitled little shits–Loki, for instance–but the way their stories are crafted are entirely different. Loki wants adulation on a macro-level; he wants a throne on top of the world with all of humanity on its knees. He doesn’t need his subjects to love him; he just wants their obedience and fear.

But while Kilgrave is also all about power and fear, he’s after a different kind of control, more insidious and, in a way, much more commonplace. Take this bit of dialogue here between Kilgrave and Jessica:

Kilgrave: “We used to do a lot more than just touch hands.”
Jessica: “Yeah. It’s called rape.”
Kilgrave: “What? Which part of staying in five star hotels, eating in all the best places, doing whatever the hell you wanted, is rape?”
Jessica: “The part where I didn’t want to do any of it! Not only did you physically rape me, you violated every cell in my body and every thought in my godamn head.”
Kilgrave: “That’s not what I was trying to do–”
Jessica: “It doesn’t matter what you were trying to do. You raped me again and again and again.”

Or this, a moment later:

Jessica: “You blame bad parenting? My parents died. You don’t see me raping anyone.”
Kilgrave: “I hate that word.”

I doubt Loki would have responded like that, insisting that how he raped her makes any difference, or going so far as to delude himself into thinking that he didn’t rape her at all. Loki wants to be king; if he’s going to rape anyone, he probably just figures that’s his right. Kilgrave, though, doesn’t like the word, because he–like a lot of rapists–doesn’t think that’s what he’s actually doing; he thinks of himself as somehow better than that. It’s that same idea that husbands can’t rape their wives, or that prostitutes can’t be raped by their clients, or that date rape is somehow a lesser form of Real Rape. None of it is actually rape, people like Kilgrave incorrectly argue.

What makes Kilgrave particularly successful as a villain–and Jessica Jones as a story–is that it’s not just, like, The Man Who Raped Jessica Jones Has Come Back! Will She Defeat Him? Go Cry In a Shower Till a Man Rescues Her? Get Raped Again? It’s not just about one traumatic act–Jessica Jones is a whole study in abuse dynamics and victim blaming. Kilgrave doesn’t just want to kill our hero (or break her publicly only to kill her later, a standard silly supervillain trope). He wants to (figuratively and literally) control her, own her, possess her body and soul. He wants her to perform for his every whim and desire, and that, that is a story that Marvel has not yet told.

Kilgrave is easily the creepiest and certainly one of the best villains Marvel has ever had. He’s watchable because he’s David Tennant and has some of the funniest lines in the series, but he’s also a gross, possessive, emotionally abusive stalker, and I was very relieved to see that the show in no way let him off the hook.

4. One of my other favorite things about Jessica Jones: Trish.

I’ll be honest: I wasn’t actually expecting to like Trish. A heroine’s non-powered BFF? Not always the best character on a show, and I was very afraid that she’d end up bitching at Jessica the whole time about, oh, not being the right kind of hero, or never being there for Trish, or thinking obviously stupid things were more important than Kilgrave. There are so few good female friendships on TV, and I wasn’t actually expecting this to be one of them.

But Trish and Jessica might actually have one of the best female friendships I’ve ever seen. For starters, Trish isn’t annoying and does understand how priorities work. She doesn’t have powers, but she’s not completely useless, either, and that’s always nice to see. But also Trish and Jessica share a complicated history, one that doesn’t revolve around a man they both love or anything like that. They’re not always happy with one another, but they fight for each another, love each another, and it’s really great to watch, especially as the series progresses. Like I said, it’s hard enough finding shows that feature female friendships, much less ones where the heroine’s most important relationship isn’t romantic in nature.

(Supergirl is trying to do this, too, I think, with Kara and Alex, but so far I don’t think it’s been quite as successful. They’ve had some nice moments and I have liked the last few episodes more than the first three, but I’m still struggling with some of the dialogue, and other than just being annoying, I think that the love triangle bullshit is damaging. Trish is more important to Jessica Jones than Luke Cage; there’s no doubt in my mind. Alex vs Jimmy Olsen, though . . . I don’t know. I think that’s hazier, even though it absolutely shouldn’t be.)

5. Of course, it can’t all be fannish squee and OMG.

So, this is Simpson (Wil Traval). And Simpson kind of sucks.

To detail exactly why Simpson sucks, I’d have to spoil stuff, so we’ll save that for later. For now, I’ll say that while his character doesn’t start so bad, he goes downhill pretty quickly and never recovers. Simpson’s subplot feels rushed and mostly inconsequential, to the point where I feel like I could excise his character from the show entirely with only a few changes. And he makes decisions that, for one reason or another, I just don’t buy. The outline is there–I can see how the arc was supposed to go–but the emotion behind the driving action just isn’t. Whether that’s a writing flaw, an acting flaw, or a bit of both, I haven’t yet decided, but Simpson’s definitely a problem for me here.

6. And as much as I love the Jessica Jones vs. Kilgrave story, I think it’s a little stretched out over thirteen episodes. Ten might have been perfect, but at thirteen there are some repetition and convenience problems, so I think it should either have been a shorter season altogether, or there should have been a little more procedural/case of the week stuff earlier on. Everyone knocks a show for the Case of the Week formula, but sometimes I think it can be used well, and I’ll admit, I was kind of hoping to see a little more of it after reading Alias. (Of course, the case I most wanted to see would never have happened, but Christ, I would have given anything to see it cause, like, it includes Captain America. And a sex tape.)

7. As far as other characters on this show:

Malcolm (Eka Darville)

For the most part, Malcolm works pretty well for me. When he first popped up, though, I was definitely like . . . huh . . .  because he’s very much a different character in the comics. And while I couldn’t stand that character and wanted him to change, the way the show changed him seemed pretty random to me and possibly verging just on the side of casually racist. But then the story turned, and Malcolm suddenly got a lot better for me. I think my only real problem with him is in the penultimate episode of the series, where he has a change of attitude that I didn’t fully buy, didn’t seem particularly necessary, and only lasts for an episode anyway. But that’s definitely a writing thing, not an acting thing.

As far as acting goes, I think Darville’s pretty good. Bonus points for the fake American accent, a sentiment that cannot at all be shared by his Aussie cast members. Rachael Taylor? Wil Traval? You guys aren’t fooling anyone.

Luke Cage (Mike Colter)

. . . you know, I don’t have any real deep thoughts about Luke Cage. It’s not because he’s bad or anything. Mike Colter is totally solid in the role, and I’m minorly interested in seeing his show now. (An aside: what do you mean, ‘minorly’ isn’t a real word, spellcheck? If majorly is a word, ‘minorly’ should absolutely be a word. Fuck you, red squiggle line. I do what I want.) If any relationship could be considered ‘complicated,’ well, Luke Cage and Jessica Jones certainly fit the bill. But that’s about as deep as my analysis goes: he has some nice moments and he’s fairly attractive and . . . yeah. That’s what I’ve got.

(Actually, while Colter’s clearly good looking, I personally much prefer Eka Darville. Then again, I tend to like less muscles. This is just like How to Get Away With Murder all over again, when everybody ws busy fanning themselves over Billy Brown’s truly ridiculous washboard abs, and I was all like, “Eh, that’s way too big for me. Let’s go back to Jack Falahee or Conrad Ricamora, shall we? WAY more my type.”)

Jeri Hogarth (Carrie-Anne Moss)

Jeri is quite the ice-bitch. Carrie-Anne Moss plays her to perfection; she is sharp, conniving, and not particularly moral, but certainly not an out-and-out villain, either. She is a character with a ton of power and I generally enjoyed watching her, even when she makes some spectacularly terrible decisions. Honestly, my favorite thing about Jeri is probably that she’s a lesbian because her story (which deals primarily with her secretary girlfriend and her extremely bitter ex) is the kind of thing you usually see given to a straight male character. (In fact, Jeri is apparently a man in the comics.) It’s kind of a boring story, given to a guy; plus, as Jeri is not straight or a man, you get three more complicated female characters in the mix, which is great.

All of Jeri’s messy divorce stuff is handled pretty well, particularly since the show never takes the easy way out and makes one character the victim and one character the villain. For instance, on paper, Wendy (Robin Weigert) is a pretty good human being: she’s a doctor, helps the poor, etc., etc., but she’s also pretty awful during this dispute. You can feel sorry for both of the characters while knowing they’re both totally dicks to one another.

8. Finally, before Spoilers, I just want to say that while I enjoyed the fight scenes well enough, none of them really stood out to me, not the way they have in, say, Daredevil or Agents of SHIELD. It certainly makes sense that they wouldn’t be the same, as Jessica Jones is a powerhouse, not a ninja or secret agent, but still, there are only a couple of fight scenes that really made an impression, and I feel like that mostly had to do with the characters involved, less with the choreography itself. It’s not a huge complaint or anything, just that I wouldn’t mind a few more iconic fight scenes in the second season.

That being said, the way Jessica opens up the series is probably iconic enough.

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

Jessica Jones doesn’t take any major plot lines from Alias, I don’t think, but one of the things that does directly transition from page to screen is the opening.

“And then there’s the matter of your bill.”

Love it.

There’s a lot to cover here, and I should probably try to do so in some kind of ordered, chronological fashion to make sure everything makes sense . . . but first, I feel that I need to calmly and objectively address a small thing that occurs during the series and how I, with complete rationality, feel about it.

CLAIRE. CLAIRE IS THE BEST. CLAIRE AND JESSICA ARE THE BEST. CLAIRE AND JESSICA AND TRISH (WHO IS ALSO THE BEST, BUT NEVER MET CLAIRE) NEED TO HAVE A LADIES NIGHT AND DRINK A WHOLE BUNCH AND KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS. PLEASE PLEASE SOMEONE WRITE ME THIS FANFIC PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

Okay, I feel better now. Moving on.

Let’s first talk in more detail about the things that I don’t think work.

A. Kilgrave is captured one too many times.

Jessica, Trish, and Simpson temporarily capture Kilgrave pretty early in the season. Of course, they lose him almost immediately, but still it’s pretty awesome, mostly because it’s just so surprising. Later, they successfully capture him again, this time actually getting him into the Glass Box of Doom until Jeri fucks everything up pretty royally, letting him escape and pretty much getting Kilgrave’s Mom dead, Ex-Wife Wendy dead, and Girlfriend Pam arrested for murder. (Poor Pam. I feel super sorry for her by the end of this story, and I would very much like to see a scene in Daredevil, Season Two, when Matt Murdock and Foggy Nelson get her acquitted.)

(Also, as a complete aside: I’m totally amused that nobody in the Kilgrave Family gets to use their natural accent. I’m pretty sure they’re all supposed to be English, but Mommy Kilgrave is American, Daddy Kilgrave is Australian, and David Tennant himself, of course, is Scottish.)

Anyway, that’s all fine. My problem occurs in the very next episode, when Jessica Jones almost immediately gets the upper hand and knocks Kilgrave out, only to lose him for the third time because of an ill-timed mob of stupid people acting stupid. And the thing is, I feel like I kind of get the idea here: victim-blaming happens even among victims, and it’s not like Jessica Jones has entirely endeared herself to the group, but it all feels so rushed and heavily convenient, particularly since this all happens right when Hope is on the verge of finally becoming free. Naturally, Kilgrave escapes AGAIN and Hope ends up dead. (Oh, show. How you are on the nose with your subtle naming practices.)

(I haven’t really talked about Hope yet, and honestly, I’m not really planning to past this paragraph. Erin Moriarty is fine in the role, but can we be real here? The character is basically a giant plot device, and her only actual purpose–other than causing Jessica guilt–is to make sure Jessica can’t murder Kilgrave until the proper time.)

B. Malcolm is super disappointed in Jessica Jones, at least for one episode.

So, Malcolm has this whole crisis of faith thing, feeling like he can’t help anyone, which is fine, I guess. I mean, I get it, and there are decent reasons for him to feel pretty damn depressed about life. But this is also when Malcolm, who has been one of Jessica’s most loyal supporters till now, suddenly turns against her, and it all feels pretty silly and manufactured. You know, it’s another moment where everyone shits on the hero, and guys, at this point I’m pretty sure Jessica’s already been shit on enough. And there’s just zero need for this particular semi-confrontation, since Malcolm’s real emotional conflict is clearly with himself, and he gets over the whole thing in literally an episode anyway. It’s not a huge stumbling block for me, but it all does feel a little cheap.

C. Simpson, however, is absolutely the worst.

So, we are initially introduced to Brainwashed Simpson. He tries to kill Trish, thankfully does not succeed, feels guilty as hell about it, and that all works. He and Trish also started having sex, which is also surprisingly fine, and he and Jessica butt heads a bit, which is totally cool, at least initially. All until Kilgrave escapes (the first time), and then we start having problems.

A lot of it, I think, is that I just don’t buy Simpson’s whole ‘Kilgrave Must Die, No Matter The Cost’ thing. I want to, I mean, I get it: Kilgrave controlled Simpson, nearly made him murder somebody, has absolutely horrifying powers, etc., but Simpson’s opinion on the matter is so rigid it mostly just comes off as flat. Again, I’m not sure if it’s entirely an acting or a writing problem, but I never buy this rage Simpson supposedly has, and it bugs me that he never even addresses the potential problems with killing Kilgrave. Like, it’d be one thing if he thought about it and ultimately dismissed Hope as a casualty of war–see, this is the problem with naming somebody Hope, sentences like that–but Simpson doesn’t even seem to acknowledge those problems, which makes him read like a pretty cheap foil to Jessica for me.

Cause, in a way, Simpson is almost as much of a plot device as Hope. After all, it’s Simpson’s supposed desperation to stop Kilgrave that’s the big instigating factor in his decision to go back to his Ominous Military Past and start taking his Super Aggression Pills again. Which, unfortunately, is a whole other problem because that subplot is pretty poorly handled. It kind of comes out of nowhere, is rushed as hell, and doesn’t actually affect much of the primary action.

Actually, almost everything Simpson does feels like it could have been either written out or handled by a minor secondary character with not much difficulty. Now that I think about it, I almost wish Simpson had been killed in Kilgrave’s first escape attempt; I’m not entirely convinced anything he does afterwards is even remotely worthwhile. The only thing I think I’d miss is the bit where Trish herself takes the Super Aggression Pills, and I can’t help but feel like those could have been introduced some other way.

It was almost, but not quite, as awesome as Alfred on Super Pills in Injustice, Volume 2. Are you people reading that shit? I heart it SO HARD, you guys.

I’m sure this will all become important eventually, either in the second season of Jessica Jones or later in The Defenders, but that doesn’t mean Simpson isn’t a serious problem for me this season. Probably the biggest problem with the whole series, actually.

D. Especially because Simpson unnecessarily kills Detective Clemons (Clarke Peters).

It just feels like a really cheap death. Simpson’s turn to the Dark Side happens way, way too fast for me, so I didn’t buy this moment at all when it happened. I was annoyed because I like Clarke Peters, but also because it felt so deeply unnecessary. It reminded me a bit of Ben’s death in Daredevil, except that Ben’s death felt like a natural part of the storyline, like a reasonable consequence of actions that he was a part of. Not to mention we spent a lot more time with Ben. We know about his motivations and his fears and his sick wife and all that. Clemons, on the other hand, doesn’t get anywhere near that kind of screen time, but I think his death was supposed to have a similar emotional impact, like, it seems like that’s the only reason it happened, not because the story demanded it but because the writers wanted to hit you emotionally with the death of a character you kind of care about, but isn’t the main hero, her love interest, or her best friend. Mostly, it only succeeded in irritating me.

Now, that’s a lot of straight negativity, I know. Like I said before, I don’t think Jessica Jones is perfect. It has some serious plotting and convenience problems for me, things that remains issues no matter how well they handle other stuff. At the same time, though, none of those things ruin the show for me, and how they handle the other stuff is a really big deal.

So, let’s circle back to finish up with some more positive thoughts about Jessica Jones.

A. Seriously, Trish and Jessica are the best.

I was happy when it quickly became apparent that Trish wasn’t going to be some cliché harpy, but I still didn’t expect to actively like her character as much as I did. I love that she has her own emotional shit, separate from Jessica’s, to work through. I really like the story with her mother and how it echoes the themes of the show, the cycle of abuse. (I also enjoy Rebecca De Mornay’s performance, and was annoyed with myself for not initially recognizing her.)

I was also immediately intrigued by Trish’s mystery bruises, and super jazzed that she was training to be a hero. She doesn’t have powers, but she can still kick ass. She gets her ass kicked too, but isn’t completely useless. It’s pretty awesome.

And all that alone would have been enough for me to declare Feminist Victory!, but in the last episode, when Jessica says, “I love you,” to Trish as she’s facing off with Kilgrave . . . man, you guys, that just . . . that just meant the world to me. Cause you’ve got to understand: I really do like some romances and I ship certain characters like whoa, but Hollywood’s obsession with romantic love drives me nuts sometimes because it so rarely affords the time to show other kinds of love. The idea that romantic love means more than the love you have for friends just annoys the shit out of me, probably because that’s never been true in my own life. I don’t think I’m alone in that regard, nor do I think that makes me broken. So yeah, I’m happy that, at the end of the day, this isn’t a story about Jessica and Luke; Luke’s important, and that’s great, but really, this is a love story between Jessica and Trish. That matters to me.

B. I kind of enjoy how there’s never any big moral dilemma about killing people. Like, in Daredevil, that’s Matt’s whole thing as a Catholic, right; he spends the entire season fighting with his desire/fear of killing Wilson Fisk, but Jessica Jones clearly doesn’t give a shit about any of that. The only reason she doesn’t break Kilgrave’s neck immediately is that she’s trying to save Hope; once Hope is dead, murder is back on the table. (SEE? Fuck you ironic fuckers. Hope is the worst name in the WORLD.)

Also, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman snap a character’s neck before. Just as a side note.

C. The Jewel outfit shoutout? Perfection.

D. Finally, I really do like the last shot of the season, when Malcolm steps in, like, ha, I will be your secretary/sidekick whether you like me or not! (Okay, that’s not really the tone, but still.) Their relationship is interesting, and I’d like to see it develop further in the second season, provided we can forego the manufactured drama of 1×12. (Also, we can just get rid of Robyn. I kind of don’t need to see her ever again.) But just in general, I like this last scene because it ends the series on exactly the right tone. Jessica Jones is a superhero show and also a noir show, and obviously, those are two of my favorite things. It’s great how seamlessly they blend here.

QUOTES:

Jessica: “Clients hire me to find dirt, and I find it. Which shouldn’t surprise them, but it does. Knowing it’s real means they’ve got to make a decision. One, do something about it, or two, keep denying it. Shoot the messenger. Tell me I’m getting off on ruining their already shitty lives. Option two rarely pans out.”

Pam: “Jessica. Did Ms. Hogarth ask you to stop by?”
Jessica: “Yep.”
Pam: “You’re lying, aren’t you–”
Jessica: “Yep.”

Jessica: “Phew. I questioned my whole worldview for a second there.”

Hope’s Friend: “She’s not missing, you know. She’s just holed up with that guy.”
Jessica: “There’s a guy?”
Hope’s Friend: “Of course there’s a guy. Why else would a best friend crap on you?”

Jessica: “It’s people like you who give people like you a bad name.”

Jessica: “They’d rather call you crazy than admit I can lift this car, or melt your insides with my laser eyes, which won’t leave a trace . . . laser eyes. Moron.”

Luke Cage: “You’re a PI?”
Jessica: “I’m just trying to make a living. You know, booze costs money, usually.”

Luke: “So what have you detected?”
Jessica: “Well, I can tell from the residue on this bar that four years ago a man named Horace had buffalo wings.”
Luke: “His name was Melvin.”

Jessica: “Again, I don’t flirt; I just say what I want.”

Trish: “I want to meet Madeline Albright.”
Zack: “I want to meet Channing Tatum, but I’ve never tried to book him on the show.”
Trish: “Yes, you have. He said no.”

Jessica: “Would you put day drinking under experience or special abilities?”

Jeri: “You’re coming across as paranoid.”
Jessica: “Everyone keeps saying that. It’s like a conspiracy.”

Jessica: “I don’t give a bag of dicks what kinky shit you’re into. Just be into it quietly.”

Luke Cage: “Lot of booze for such a small woman.”
Jessica: “I don’t get asked on a lot of second dates.”

Malcolm: “You use sarcasm to distance people.”
Jessica: “And yet you’re still here.”

Malcolm: “You look bad.”
Jessica: “I need money.”
Malcolm: “You can have my TV.”
Jessica: “Thanks, Malcolm. You keep it.”
Malcolm: “I stole it.”
Jessica: “I figured.”

Jessica: “I don’t get you. You have money, looks, a radio show, creepy if not adoring fans, and you’re a freaking household name. What more do you want?”
Trish: “To save the world, of course.”

Clement: “Any idea how a coed from Nebraska gets a gun?”
Jessica: “Wal-Mart?”

Jeri: “The real world is not about happy endings. It’s about taking the life you have, and fighting like hell to keep it.”

Jessica: “You’re the first person I ever pictured a future with. You’re also the first person I ever shot in the head.”

Jessica: “You shoot at me. I’ll pull the bullet out of my ruined jacket and shove it up your ass with my pinky finger, and who do you think that’s going to hurt more?”

Jessica: “You think you’re the only ones who have lost people? You think you’re the only ones with pain? You think you can take your shit and dump it on me? You don’t get to do that! So you take your goddamned pain and you live with it, assholes!”

Neighbor: “She was the strangest tomboy. She wore princess dresses with high tops.”
Kilgrave: “Really? I can’t get her to wear a dress for the life of me.”
Jessica: “I’ll wear one to your funeral.”

Jessica: “Don’t look at him, don’t talk to him, and don’t listen to him.”
Jeri: “Because he’ll mind-control me.”
Jessica: “No, because he’s an asshole. His powers don’t work through a mic, so you’d have to go in the room. Don’t do that, either.”

Luke Cage: “I protect me and what’s mine, but that’s it. Being a hero just puts a target on your back.”

Luke Cage: “You still get points for doing good.”
Jessica: “Not near enough to cancel out the bad.”
Luke Cage: “Way I see it, most people have both going on. Just depends on which wins that day.”

Jessica: “It’s not that. I just really need to get some drugs.”
Trish: “Graduating from alcoholism?”

Jessica: “Trish, what are you afraid of?”
Trish: “Not much anymore. Except clowns, but that’s just common sense.”

Trish: “I let you fight my battles for too long. When you left–”
Jessica: “You became a ninja?”
Trish: “Krav maga.”

Trish: “I hate feeling this way. I don’t know how you handle it.”
Jessica: “It’s called whiskey.”

Jeri: “You know who people hate more than litigators? Puppy killers.”

Pam: “She won’t wait. She wouldn’t listen.”
Jessica: “I couldn’t hear you over that print.”

Jessica: “The last people referred to me wound up dead in my elevator. If Audrey Eastman follows the same path, she won’t be able to pay her legal bills.”

Jessica: “If you wanna talk, or something, they all meet tomorrow night.”
(Simpson makes a face.)
Jessica: “Yeah, I’m not into it, either.”

Simpson: “I had GI Joes until they all burned.”
Trish: “Burned?”
Simpson: “They went into battle to save my sister’s Barbie and melted into one big clump.”
Trish: “That’s terrible.”
Simpson: “Hey! They accomplished their mission.”
Trish: “By dying?”
Simpson: “They rescued Barbie. I mean, the Dream House was gutted, but she had insurance.”
Trish: “You used actual fire? You torched a Dream House?”
Simpson: “I was committed to the scenario.”

Trish: “I might shoot you by accident.”
Simpson: “It’s worth the risk.”

Jessica: “I will not stay in a house with slaves.”
Kilgrave: “Aw, now you’re just being sanctimonious.”

Kilgrave: “I have a conscience. It’s just more selective.”

Jeri: “I’m sorry.”
Wendy: “Well. I’m going to have to ask you to say that with cash.”

Jessica: “You good?”
Malcolm: “You care?”
Jessica: “Just don’t want to be another reason for you to get high.”
Malcolm: “Don’t need a reason.”

Jessica: “You can’t improve on an asshole by making it bigger.”

Luke Cage: “Jessica Jones, you are a hard-drinking, short-fused mess of a woman, but you are not a piece of shit.”

Jessica: “Knowing it’s real means you’ve gotta make a decision. One, keep denying it, or two, do something about it.”

Jessica: “Smile.”

CONCLUSIONS:

Totally different from any other superhero story, Marvel or DC. Convenience problems, yes. Pacing problems, yes. But a great heroine, a great villain, a great female relationship, a lot of three-dimensional female characters, and some really stellar thematic work.

MVP:

Krysten Ritter, I think, because the show relies so heavily on her performance. But David Tenant and Rachael Taylor get some serious props, too.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B+

MORAL:

You can deny, or you can act. And hint: you should totally act. But either way, there should absolutely be booze.

Months ago, a friend of mine mentioned on Facebook that she wanted to see a gender-flipped version of The West Wing. Mekaela and I happened to be playing around with a bunch of different ideas for gender-flipped movie casts at the time, so naturally we abandoned all of them to work on casting The West Wing instead. Of course, that show went on for a fairly long time and I’m a big quitter who gives up on TV when I don’t like the way it’s turning out, so Mek and I mostly just stuck to casting the first couple of seasons. It was a little more manageable that way.

So, Happy Birthday, Kate! Here’s to hoping you don’t hate ALL the casting choices.

DISCLAIMER:

I didn’t bother changing anyone’s names. Feel free to do that yourself, if you want. Although, personally, I think you should keep the name ‘Josiah’ either way. I know it’s traditionally a boy’s name, but I kind of like it for a girl.

President Josiah Bartlet

CCH Pounder

I am the Lord, your God. Thou shalt worship no other God before me. Boy, those were the days, huh?

I’ll admit it: I love CCH Pounder without reservation. I generally want to cast her in most things. But I can especially see her being a great Bartlet. She has the voice and the gravitas for the Big Speech Moments, the badass presence for the role of Commander and Chief, the warmth and compassion needed for playing a mentor role. She can also bring the irritation just fine, which is absolutely great. Some of my very favorite moments are when Bartlet’s irritated with somebody.

The only reason I was concerned about casting a black woman in the role was because it affects a pretty fundamental storyline in Season One. Mek and I talked about that, and we’ve devised a way to update it, but I’ll hold off on discussing it further until we come to Charlie.

Leo McGarry

Jane Lynch

I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak, I am preparing appropriate retribution.

I sometimes worry that, after Glee, Jane Lynch will be typecast in only comedically outrageous and ridiculously antagonistic roles, but I feel like she could actually be a pretty great Leo. I’ve always loved Leo, and I was sad as hell when John Spencer died. Lynch, I think, could be a worthy successor. I’m pretty sure she could nail that matter-of-fact delivery. I can see her calling the New York Times about the errors in their crossword puzzles, and I can definitely see her yelling at the top of her voice for Margaret. I also think–mostly based off her guest work on Criminal Minds–that she can handle the kinder, softer moments when necessary, like some of Leo’s scenes with Josh (before the show started needlessly fucking around with that relationship) or some of Leo’s scenes with Bartlet (before the show started needlessly fucking around with that relationship).

Josh Lyman

Lauren Graham

Victory is mine, victory is mine! Great day in the morning, people, victory is mine. I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.

Lauren Graham’s actually one of the very first people we cast, which is interesting because Josh is kind of a hard character. He requires nearly an impossible amount of charm because, when you get right down to it, Josh is kind of an arrogant little shit. But because it’s Bradley Whitford (who is amazing), Josh somehow ended up being my favorite character. (I mean, don’t get me wrong, Josh does have some awesome qualities. But he is smug, like, at least 70% of that time.)

It’s hard to strike lightning twice, though, and it’s certainly true that audiences are generally more willing to forgive an arrogant male character than an arrogant female character. Thank you, Hollywood double standards. I wasn’t sure who had the insane amount of likability to counterbalance Josh’s supreme levels of confidence . . . but then I thought of Lauren Graham, and I was like, “Okay, that’s it. We’ve got a winner.”

Sam Seaborn

Maggie Lawson

I . . . yes, reluctantly. I think it was clear by the way I ate the crab puff that it was a gesture of protest.

Sam, on the other hand. Sam took forever to cast because he’s got kind of the opposite problem: he’s the puppy. The idealist. As characters go, idealists are often one-note, righteous, and boring. Sam is a rare exception to the rule, but once again, performance matters a lot here, and Mek and I struggled to come up with an actress we liked in the role, one who could balance moral conviction with Sam’s easy, affable manner.

Maggie Lawson’s name came up because one, she’s hilarious, and two, she’s played non-annoying idealists before, namely Juliet from Psych. Admittedly, Juliet was a little silly when she first came on board, but she quickly became one of the show’s best characters. I can see Maggie Lawson passionately arguing about the importance of education. I can see her snagging a defeated bigot’s crab puff. And I can see her blowing up about how she accidentally slept with a prostitute the night before. These were all key moments for me when it came to casting Sam.

Toby Ziegler

Camryn Manheim

I’m going to make a suggestion that might help you out, but I don’t want this to be mistaken for an indication that I like you.

The first thing I ever saw Camryn Manheim in was The 10th Kingdom, and I liked her, but I didn’t fall in love with her until watching Person of Interest where she. Is just. AWESOME. Control is very definitely not Toby, but the role gave me a decent sense of Manheim’s range, and I’m pretty sure gruff, passionate, sharp-as-nails speechwriter is within it.

I’m now imagining “17 People” with Camryn Mannheim facing off against CCH Pounder, and I’m just like, “Holy Jesus, give it to me NOW.”

CJ Cregg

Alan Tudyk

First of all, you’re wrong. Second of all, shut up. Third: I went to Hoynes with your thing, and he said he wasn’t the one who talked to you, and I believe him and he’s really pissed at me and he’s right. And fourth . . . shut up again.

Alan Tudyk has had an interesting career. He gets a lot of outrageous, wacky comedic roles (A Knight’s Tale, Dodgeball, Death at a Funeral), but he excels at all types of comedy, not just broad humor. I keep going back to his performance as Wash on Firefly, and while Wash and CJ really don’t have anything in common as characters–I don’t know, it just works for me. Tudyk can be ridiculously expressive and that would obviously do well for the more dramatic scenes, but I can also see him using this great deadpan during all the press briefings. I would never say he would do a better job than Allison Janney–because ALL HAIL QUEEN ALLISON JANNEY–but I will say that both actors have stellar comedic timing, and I like this casting quite a lot.

Charlie Young

Aja Naomi King

Well, I’m personal aide to the President, so my supervisor’s a little busy right now looking for a back door to this place to shove you out of. But I’ll let him know you’d like to lodge a complaint.

Okay, so here’s the thing about Charlie: a major storyline in the first season is that terrible racist assholes disapprove of the fact that Charlie, a black man, is dating the President’s daughter, and when I say disapprove, I mean with gunfire. However, that story inevitably changes when you make the President a black woman instead of a white man. I tried to reconcile that, and my solution was to update to a post 9/11 prejudice and make Charlie a Muslim. I then tried casting a Middle Eastern actress, but honestly I could not find anyone I was familiar with in the right age range. And I figured, okay, well if stupid people today are still claiming that President Obama’s Muslim, then we can still have a black actress in the part and maybe that would be better anyway because Charlie is black and I don’t have to feel weird about swapping PoC ethnicities? Anyway, there’s that thought process.

Now. We’ve just sped through How to Get Away with Murder like crazy in the past few months, and while Michaela and Charlie have pretty much nothing in common, we felt that Aja Naomi King has the range to make it work. Figured it might be kind of fun, actually, watching the normally ambitious, high-strung law student become the laid back, eternally patient Presidential aide. Charlie’s got so many quietly hilarious lines, and I can see Aja Naomi King pulling those.

Mandy Hampton

Tom Cavanagh

Yeah, so, Mr. President, if you could further see clear to not answer that question like an economics professor with a big old stick up his butt, that would be good too. 

I’m gonna be real with you people: I don’t care about Mandy at all. I have never particularly liked Mandy, probably because Moira Kelly’s performance never did a whole lot for me, but also because the show never quite knew what to do with her. (I suspect she was supposed to be Josh’s love interest, but when Donna and Josh ended up the show’s big OTP instead, the creators never really gave Mandy her own storyline, save the one about the memo.) I’m also, honestly, not sure how exciting it is to gender-flip her role. But she is a main cast member for the first season, and since we’re focusing on characters from Seasons 1 and 2, we figured we had to find someone for her.

So, Tom Cavanagh. Honestly, it’s just a matter of loving him on The Flash and thinking maybe he could make Mandy a lot more fun for me. Her introduction scene (when she’s ignoring a cop to talk on the phone) has always annoyed me, but I put Tom Cavanagh in the same seat, and I think . . . you know, maybe that could work.

Donna Moss

Scott Foley

If you were an accident, I wouldn’t stop for red lights.

Donna is an interesting character to gender flip. I love Donna, but she is both a secretary and the voice of of the audience, which means she gets to ask a lot of questions so that everyone watching understands the politics and history involved. It’s definitely a role that we’ve become comfortable giving to women, but men? A little less so, particularly given the nature of Josh and Donna’s relationship. I definitely wanted someone who could do rapid fire banter (admittedly, a quality that any actor on The West Wing should probably have), someone inherently likable, and maybe someone who had experience playing the love interest to an actual strong female lead.

And I found my way to Scott Foley, who has proven on Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal that he’s quite possibly the most charming fucker alive. I can see him handling all the expository questions pretty well, and I’d pay money to watch him and Lauren Graham go back and forth.

Danny Concannon

Melissa Ponzio

CJ, I’m not staying in the penalty box forever. I have covered the White House for eight years, and I’ve done it with the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the DALLAS MORNING NEWS! And I’m telling you, you can’t mess me around like this!

Okay, I admit it: half of the reason for this casting is because I adore Melissa Ponzio on Teen Wolf and would like to see her in All the Things, and a quarter of the reason is that because that sometimes Danny wears suspenders, which I’d like to see Melissa Ponzio rock. But also, I just think she’d be a lot of fun in the role. I can see her as a journalist pretty easily, and I’d love to watch her flirt like crazy with Alan Tudyk. That’s kind of enough for me.

Mrs. Landingham

Richard Jenkins

Aw, Danny. And I was just about to offer you a cookie.

Richard Jenkins is such a great character actor. I love the idea of him as this kind but totally snarky secretary who withholds food from misbehaving staff members. I’m used to seeing him in darker roles, but I honestly think he would just be delightful here.

Dr. Abigail Bartlet

Clancy Brown

Your electrolytes and metabolic panels are within normal limits. Your chest x-ray is clear, and your prostate screens are fine. So we can have sex now.

Okay, hear me out. I know Clancy Brown’s name is almost synonymous with villainy at this point after Highlander, The Shawshank Redemption, any of the Superman cartoons, etc., but he actually does play good guys with some frequency; they just don’t usually make it to the end credits. It’d be nice to see him play a good guy who doesn’t die for a change.

Mostly, Mek and I just really enjoyed the idea of Clancy Brown and CCH Pounder matched up, being all cute together and whatnot. We were thinking especially of the episode where she first comes in after Bartlet has an MS attack. Clancy Brown could be an adorable First Lady, growly voice and all.

Zoey Bartlet

Tyler James Williams

You look like death on a Triscuit!

I’ll be honest: I haven’t seen Tyler James Williams in a whole lot. But I like him. I cracked up at his Evil Telekinetic Urkel in a Key & Peele sketch, and I enjoyed him quite a bit as Noah in The Walking Dead, although we don’t get to spend as much time with him as I would’ve liked. Nothing about Zoey seems outside his range, so I figured it was a nice opportunity to see Williams in something else. (Plus, I like the idea of Zoey as a boy, given the kidnapping plot line that happens later. It’d also be nice if they could make a male Zoey sweet and bookish without parodying him into some stereotypical Hollywood nerd.)

Ainsley Hayes

Jensen Ackles

Mr. Tribbey? I’d like to do well on this, my first assignment. Any advice you could give me that might point me the way of success would be, by me, appreciated.

Okay. So let’s talk about this.

Gender-swapping a lot of the cast appeals to me because it’s such an interesting exercise in power dynamics. Not that the women in The West Wing aren’t powerful in their own way, but they’re also almost entirely secretaries to male supervisors or are related to male characters. In the first season, CJ and Mandy are really the only exceptions to that, and like I said before, Mandy barely even has her own storylines.

Gender-swapping Ainsley, though, kind of feels like it’s missing the point since her whole character is addressing a very specific stereotype, and if she was a man, no one would blink an eye at the fact that she was attractive. It wouldn’t be some sign that she’s just a pretty face and nothing more. Then again, I kind of like creating this world on TV where this kind of sexism is directed at men for once, so Mek and I tried to focus on the pretty boy angle. And there is no Southern pretty boy like Jensen Ackles.

In full disclosure, I fee like I should admit that I have some reservations about this casting. Ainsley has a very specific manner of speaking, and it’s kind of hard to imagine Jensen Ackles, much as I love him, imitating it. On the other hand, I still like to dream–fondly–that someday Supernatural might actually end, and Ackles will go on to do other projects where he will be as un-Dean-like as possible. And people, I love Dean Winchester. But the guy’s been playing the role for, what, twelve years? He’s got a lot of talent, and I’d like to see him use it to do something else.

Margaret

Can, can I just say something, you know, for the future? *I* can sign the President’s name. I have his signature down pretty good. 

So, Margaret’s . . . weird. She has always been an oddball character, and I assume she remained so well past the point where I stopped watching the showing. Margaret has a very unique brand of oddness, and the best person I could think to match it was Sean Gunn, who played Kirk in Gilmore Girls. And if you watched Gilmore Girls at all, you know Kirk definitely had his own special brand of oddness.

And finally . . . Ron Butterfield

Holly Hunter

It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t Gina’s fault, it wasn’t Charlie’s fault, it wasn’t anybody’s fault, Toby. It was an act of madmen. You think a tent was going to stop ’em? We got the President in the car. We got Zoey in the car. And at a 150 yards and five stories up, we got the shooters 9.2 seconds after the first shot was fired. I would never let you not let me protect the President. You tell us you don’t like something, we figure something else. It was an act of madmen. Anyway, Secret Service doesn’t comment on procedure.

Ron’s not a huge part in the show. We didn’t have to cast him. But every time I rewatch “In the Shadow of Two Gunmen,” I kind of fall in love with this guy all over, and I could hear Holly Hunter delivering those lines pretty well in that clipped manner of speaking that she has.

And . . . well, I guess that’s all for today. Mek and I will have to get back to all of our other abandoned gender-swapped castings. It’s fun to see what, if anything, shifts in your story when you reimagine all the male characters as women. Maybe Ocean’s Eleven next?

So, last year (especially the tail-end) was pretty busy for me. I watched all kinds of movies and television shows that I fully intended to review, but somehow I never quite got there. One of those shows was an American anime called RWBY (pronounced Ruby) that my friend Cory recommended. RWBY is about a group of friends with magical abilities and ridiculously awesome signature weapons who fight monsters while training at what’s essentially an elite warrior academy high school.

It is, without question, entirely my jam.

DISCLAIMER:

This not-particularly long review is for the first two seasons/volumes of RWBY. (I’m relatively sure I had more to say about the show when I first watched it back in, oh, I don’t know, September? But I didn’t leave myself particularly great notes, and I didn’t really feel like busting out a Spoiler Section today.) Please note: if you watch RWBY on Netflix, as I did, they treat each season like a movie, which is just . . . weird.

Also, there will be VERY MILD SPOILERS, mostly in that all the main characters form teams at school, and I will be telling you who’s on which team. I might feel bad about this if the Opening Titles didn’t also pretty much just go ahead and break the suspense for you on that one. Oh, and the Quotes Section has more moderate SPOILERS. You’ve been warned!)

SUMMARY:

Ruby becomes the youngest girl to get accepted into Beacon Academy, a school that trains people to become Huntresses and Hunters. Their job is to battle the soulless Creatures of Grimm. Monster battles, team dynamics, friendship, magic, and wacky high school shenanigans ensue.

NOTES:

1. First, let’s talk about the Super Important Stuff, okay? Like, sure, we could talk characters and plot and themes and shit, but why focus on that when we can focus on COSPLAY?

You guys. The cosplay potential in this show is ridiculous.

Of course, the vast majority of it is also so far outside my wheelhouse it might as well be on fucking Mars. Not having the ability to sew or, honestly, much inclination to learn, I’m forced to put my costumes together through a collection of random purchases from Etsy, eBay, and various thrift stores, and while I genuinely enjoy doing this . . . there’s some shit you’re just never gonna be able to cobble together from assorted pieces. It tends to work best for humorous costumes or character reinterpretations.

Regardless, a girl likes to dream, so I’ve spent a stupid amount of time trying to decide who I would dress up as, if I could. These are serious considerations, damn it; there’s a lot to think about: do you go with the neatest costume? The most comfortable? The character you like the most? If I had to be someone from Team RWBY . . . well, it’s difficult. Ruby and Weiss have fantastic costumes, but they’re probably my least favorite characters in the whole series. (They aren’t bad, actually. I just don’t care as much about them. Then again, I’ve done cosplays from movies I didn’t even like that well just because the outfits were fun, so if I somehow came across Weiss’s second season combat skirt? ZOMG.)

Yang’s outfit would be kind of awesome, but would also definitely have to be modified so I’d feel comfortable with it. And my favorite costume of Blake’s also has more midriff than I’d prefer, so again, modification would be required.

Meanwhile, if I had to be someone from Team JNPR . . . Jaune, maybe? I mean, he’s wearing jeans, so it would probably be the easiest. Pyrrha’s could be fun, but her armor would be a pain in the ass. And I adore Nora and Ren, but their cosplays don’t particularly excite me. (Although I would totally dress up as one of them as part of a pair costume, cause they’re the best. Dynamic duo FTW.)

Honestly, though, my inclination isn’t to pick any of the heroes at all, but go Clockwork Orange/Dark Side, baby.

If I could just find this coat . . . yeah. Roman Torchwick and his luscious lashes – definitely a possible DragonCon costume this year.

2. So. Let me say this: there’s nothing particularly groundbreaking about RWBY. It has a fun but not terribly original premise, and there really aren’t any shocking twists or developments anywhere in the series. (Although I do love how each student has their own individual semblance, or power, rather than everyone having roughly the same abilities.) The opening exposition is so intensely Galadriel and Lord of the Rings, it’s not even funny, and the show itself is strongly reminiscent of Harry Potter, particularly Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. (I definitely went back to the Triwizard Tournament and the Yuletide Ball with certain scenes. Also, the headmaster, Ozpin, is kind of like a sketchy Dumbledore, like seriously, I don’t trust that dude AT ALL. And his right-hand-woman, Glynda Goodwitch, has kind of a young Professor McGonagall thing going for her. I like Glynda, despite her horrible name, because she seems very practical and badass, and also because she wears glasses.)

Regardless, I pretty much adore RWBY and eagerly await Volume Three because, along with amazing cosplay potential, RWBY also has super fun battle sequences, good dialogue, a great sense of humor, and–maybe my favorite of all–actual character continuity. I can’t tell you how happy I was when, after finding out a main player’s (not hugely surprising) secret backstory in Volume 1, we followed up in Volume 2 with said character still dealing with all the emotional fallout, like, it wasn’t just one of those stupid one-and-done “I went through this thing, but now I’m totally okay” deals. Nothing, I mean nothing, makes me happier than emotional fallout.

3. I would be remiss if I did not point out, however, that the animation style definitely takes some getting used to. I’m afraid I don’t know enough to give you any proper technical jargon, but however it’s done, it’s . . . peculiar. Luckily, I discovered that I stopped noticing it after roughly the first ten or fifteen minutes. (Amusingly, this is how I feel about Harry and Ron’s terrible hair in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, too.)

4. Let’s talk characters, shall we?

First, we’ll discuss Team RWBY, or The A-Team.

Ruby & Weiss

(Lindsay Jones & Kara Eberle)

Ruby has some of the best dialogue, but her naivety and immaturity do occasionally grate on my nerves. It’s not badly written or anything, but I generally care less about her storylines. I also can’t stand that the team is named after her. I mean, I get it (R for Ruby, W for Weiss, etc.), but it bugs me since none of the other teams are named after their leaders. Team JNPR, for instance, is pronounced Team Juniper, not Jaune. (It’s really too bad there isn’t a fifth member on each team. Then the 5th girl’s name could begin with an ‘N’ and we could switch it Team BRWNY, which could potentially be pronounced ‘brawny,’ I suppose, but would obviously be correctly pronounced ‘brownie.’ )

The best thing about Ruby is her deep and abiding love for weaponry. Like Crescent Rose, for instance, which is her gigantic part scythe, part sniper rifle. It is the best.

Meanwhile, Weiss is probably my other least favorite character. She’s the super smart, snobby, rich, arrogant one, and while she also has some very nice moments . . . all in all, she doesn’t do much for me. (Again, it’s not that I think her character is poorly written. I like some of her dialogue, and she’s obviously supposed to be on that journey from selfish and obnoxious to Better Person. I would just generally rather be spending that time on other people.)

Yang and Blake

(Barbara Dunkelman & Arryn Zech)

Yang and Blake, on the other hand, are definitely my favorites on Team RWBY. Yang is Ruby’s adventurous and generally cheerful older sister, until you piss her off by, say, damaging her hair. Yang basically gets stronger the more she gets hit, which is kind of awesome for battle purposes, obviously. She also has shotgun gauntlets which are pretty great.

Blake, meanwhile, is the very quiet, very serious one, and I’m basically obligated to like her because she likes books. Her primary story arc includes spoilers, so all I’ll say is that I generally enjoy where her story goes, and I really like her friendship with Yang, particularly in the second season when Yang helps her through a rough patch. They have a really nice scene together, and I’m not gonna lie: I might ship them. But maybe not, because I also like Blake with her actual love interest, Sun, and I really do love Blake and Yang’s friendship. (One of the best things about RWBY, actually, is how many girl friendships there are, due to the vast majority of female characters. But platonic friendships don’t get left out, either: Ruby and Jaune, for instance, or, debatably, Ren and Nora.)

Now Team JNPR, or The Second A-Team:

Jaune & Pyrrha

(Miles Luna & Jen Brown)

Jaune is the kid who’s (not-so-secretly) terrible at pretty much everything, and he has the occasional annoying moment where you just want to shake him and say, “Come on, man, pull your shit together.” (Especially when it comes to girls.) But for the most part, he’s pretty funny, and I generally enjoy how his story goes. I particularly like that he doesn’t just magically get better at fighting through one awe-inspiring moment of willpower and determination. It actually takes time and practice, which is cool.

Meanwhile, I like Pyrrha quite a bit. She’s the strongest girl in school and pretty much kicks everyone’s ass in battle, but she’s not terribly assertive, at least not when it comes to voicing what she wants. She also likes Jaune, which of course he can’t see because he’s an idiot. I really do like Jaune, but Pyrrha is definitely too good for him. (Although. There is a moment at a dance where he proves he is almost worthy of her. Oh, all right, I kind of ship them, but she really is too good for this kid.)

Ren & Nora

(Monty Oum & Samantha Ireland)

Ren and Nora are the best. They are the classic combination of Nearly Mute/Comically Beleaguered (Ren) and Ridiculously Chatty Ball of Violence (Nora). I personally like them much better as friends rather than as a couple, but that’s how I feel about characters at least 80% of the time, so. It’s not a huge thing. Either way, they’re completely adorable.

Sadly, Ren was voiced by Monty Oum, the creator of RWBY, who died unexpectedly and depressingly young at the age of 33. His brother has since taken over the role in Volume 3.

5. Finally, you’ll notice that I didn’t call Team JNPR the B-Team because, really, they get almost as much screentime as Team RWBY. Since I actually like Team JNPR a little more than Team RWBY, I’m obviously a fan of that. I also just think it’s an interesting and unusual choice for a show to make. Not a bad idea, either, because it gives them more people and relationships to work with.

Like I’ve said, time and again, I will forgive a lot if you give me solid dialogue and good character dynamics. And that’s what RWBY does.

That, and the most epic food fight ever.

QUOTES:

Henchman: “I said put your hands in the air! Now!”
Ruby: “Are you . . . robbing me?”
Henchman: “Yes!”
Ruby: “Oh . . .”
(Ruby kicks henchman across the room.)

Jaune: “Uh, sir? I’ve got, um . . . a question. So, this landing strategy thing . . .uh, wha–what is it? You’re, like, dropping us off or something?”
Ozpin: “No. You will be falling.”
Jaune: “Oh, uh, I see . . . so, did you, like, hand out parachutes for us?”
Ozpin: “No. You will be using your own landing strategy.”
Jaune: “Uh-huh . . . yeah . . . so, what exactly is a landing strateg–”
(Jaune is promptly launched, screaming, into the air)

Ruby: “I don’t wanna be the bee’s knees! I don’t wanna be any kind of knees! I just wanna be a normal girl with normal knees!”

Ruby: “Of course I’m happy with Crescent Rose. I just really like seeing new ones. It’s like meeting new people, but better.”

Pyrrha: “I’m not sure this is it.”
Jaune: “Pyrrha, I made the torch. Could you at least humor me for maybe five more feet?”
(Jaune trips and falls into a puddle, extinguishing the torch.)
Pyrrha: “Do you feel that?”
Jaune: “Soul-crushing regret?”

Pyrrha: “My semblance is polarity.”
Ruby: “Oh. You can control my poles.”
Weiss: “No, you dunce! It means she can control magnetism.”
Ruby: “. . . magnets are cool, too.”

Nora: “So there we were in the middle of the night–”
Ren: “It was day.”
Nora: “We were surrounded by Ursae–”
Ren: “They were beowolves.”
Nora: “There were DOZENS OF THEM!”
Ren: “Two of ’em.”
Nora: “But they were no match. In the end, Ren and I took them down and made a boatload of lien selling ursa skin rugs.”
Ren (sighing): “She’s been having this recurring dream for nearly a month now.”

Ruby: “Justice will be swift! It will be painful! It will be DELICIOUS!”

Blake: “Aren’t you that girl that exploded?”

Blake: “Yes, it’s lovely. Almost as lovely as this book . . . that I will continue to read . . . as soon as you leave.”

Weiss: “YES! Fear the almighty power of my forces! Cower as they pillage your homes! Weep as they take your children from your very arms–”
Yang: “Trump card. Your armies have been destroyed.”

Ruby: “Think you can make the shot?”
Weiss: “Hmph. Can I.”
Ruby: “. . . can y–”
Weiss: “Of course I can!”

Yang: “How’s your first day going, little sister?”
Ruby: “You mean since you ditched me and I exploded?”
Yang: “Yikes. Meltdown already?”
Ruby: “No, I literally exploded a hole in front of the school.”

Ruby: “I tripped over some crabby girl’s luggage, and then she yelled at me, and then I sneezed, and then I exploded, and then she yelled again, and it felt really, really bad, and I just wanted her to stop yelling at me.”
Weiss: “YOU!”
(Ruby jumps into Yang’s arms.)
Ruby: “Oh God, it’s happening again.”

Yang: “Having some trouble there, ladykiller?”
Jaune: “I don’t understand. My dad says that all women look for is confidence! Where did I go wrong?”
Yang: ” ‘Snow Angel’ probably wasn’t the best start.”

Ozpin: “These teammates will be with you for the rest of your time here at Beacon. So it’s in your best interest to be paired up with someone with whom you can work well . . . that being said, the first person you make eye contact with after landing will be your partner for the next four years.”

Yang: “Well . . . that was a thing.”

Nora: “We’ll break his legs!”

Nora: “I know! We’ll have some sort of signal! Like a distress signal! A secret signal so we can find each other in the forest! Can you imitate a sloth?”
Ren: “Nora?”
Nora: “Yes, Ren?”
Ren: “I don’t think sloths make a lot of noise.”
Nora: “. . . that’s why it’s perfect! No one will suspect we’re working together!”

Ren: “I still don’t think that’s what a sloth sounds like.”
Nora (touching Ren on the nose): “Boop.”

Roman: “These kids just keep getting weirder.”

Nora: “Ye-haw!”
(Monster falls over, dead.)
Nora: “Aw. It’s broken.”

Ren: “Nora . . . please . . . don’t ever do that again.”

Weiss: “I guess she really made our plans . . . fall apart.”
Blake: “No. Just no.”
Weiss: “But . . . you do it!”
Yang: “There’s a time and a place for jokes.”
Weiss: “Was this not it?”
Yang: “No, it just wasn’t very good.”

Jaune: “Pyrrha, I know I’m going through a hard time right now, but I’m not that depressed.”

Sun: “I stole you some food!”
Blake: “Do you always break the law without giving a second thought?”
Sun: “Hey, weren’t you in a cult or something?”
(Blake gives him a death glare.)
Sun: “Okay, too soon.”

Penny: “My name is Penny! It’s a pleasure to meet you!”
Ruby: “Hi, Penny. I’m Ruby.”
Weiss: “I’m Weiss.”
Blake: “Blake.”
Yang: “Are you sure you didn’t hit your head?” (Blake elbows her.) “Oh, I’m Yang.”

Ruby: “Sisters! Friends! Weiss.”

Blake: “She’s gonna fall.”
Ruby: “She’ll be fine.”
Ren: “She’s falling.”

Yang: “Great! The gang’s all here. Now we can die together.”

CONCLUSIONS:

Honestly, it’s just a lot of fun. I can see it being a little too silly for some people, but there’s a lot to like, and even the Harry Potter nostalgia is kind of nice now and again. Sailor Moon nostalgia, too. (Man, I was obsessed with that show back in junior high. I wonder if it would stand up to a re-watch.)

MVP:

Mmm . . . I really don’t know who to give that to. I think everyone does a pretty equally good job. Sorry, I’m copping out on this one today.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B+

MORAL:

Always have a landing strategy.

Loving TV, as I do, I found myself writing mini recaps/reviews of all the season premieres I watched last fall, up until December, anyway. Then I kind of forgot about it because, really, not much premieres in December. (Other than The Expanse, of course, because the executives at Syfy are apparently contrary bastards.) And I went right on forgetting it, too, until the other day when I was watching the third episode of Teen Wolf, Season 5B, and was like, “Oh, yeah. I was doing kind of a thing, huh?”

And so. A handful of season premiere impressions: some timely, some belated, and all, rather obviously, with SPOILERS.

The 100

Mek and I found The 100 last year on Netflix and quickly marathoned through two seasons. While the show started a bit slow for me (if I could have murdered Octavia and Bellamy in the first couple of episodes, I would’ve, and probably wouldn’t have wept for Clarke, either, if she just happened to, I don’t know, fall victim to a herd of rampaging wild deer or something), it definitely got SO much better, and I spent most of last year looking forward to a new season.

This is a pretty solid start, letting us know what all our characters have been up to for the past three months after the devastatingly brutal events of “Blood Must Have Blood, Part II.” Clarke has become everyone’s Most Wanted and, also, a redhead! (Disappointingly, it appears she’ll be going back to blonde soon.) Raven’s leg has gotten worse (which I’m happy about it because I love that it’s a continuing storyline, not just a bullshit Magic Heal). Bellamy has a girlfriend! (And I bet the Bellarke shippers are pissed.) Lincoln and especially Octavia are struggling with their identities as somewhere between Sky People and Grounders. And the gang goes on road trips and listens to the Violent Femmes! (I mock, but I actually enjoy CW’s anachronistic music for the most part, and this scene totally amused me. Also amusing: the kid who plays the piano at the end. Raven asks for a song, and I’m immediately like, “Oh, is this the infamous Montage Boy?” Turned out, it was. Also, apparently, a real musician whose stunt casting, predictably, went straight over my head.)

In fact, I only want one character to get brutally trampled upon and die in a stampede of angry rhinos now: Jasper, who has, unsurprisingly, not taken Maya’s demise very well and has become a suicidal drunk who’s mean to Monty. (He’s also shaved his head, which is obviously the second best Grooming Option for the Depressed, next to growing an Angst Beard. Surprisingly, it looks decent on him.) And the thing is, I get his trauma and I should feel sorry for him, but I’ve never particularly liked Jasper and his whiny “Only My Love Life Matters” approach to moralism, and seriously, anyone who’s mean to Monty DESERVES TO DIE. (I’m seriously hoping he gets more to do this year. Monty is the best. He deserves his own angst time, damn it.)

I’m kind of interested in the weird Jaha story because I want to know where it goes (presumably, he and ALIE will become the show’s Big Bad?), but anytime The 100 cuts away to him, I’m immediately like, “No, no, go back to the characters I actually care about!” But it’s great how much I’ve 180-ed on Murphy, who started life as a totally boring antagonist and now I’m very much rooting for. “I’m so out of here,” Murphy says, and yes, YES, Murphy. This is the proper reaction to Crazypants Jaha, the psychotic AI, and Johannes Brahms. (Of course, then he changes his mind because of a girl. Oh, Murphy. I am disappointed in you, buddy.)

FAVORITE PART:

I did love Murphy’s line, “Pain. Hate. Envy. Those are the ABC’s of me.” Still, my favorite part was probably when Monty unsympathetically threw the bucket of cold water at Jasper’s face. Here’s to hoping he upgrades that to a punch across the kisser next.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

A-

Agent Carter

Yay, Agent Carter is back! “The Lady in the Lake” and “A View in the Dark” was a solid two-hour premiere, although honestly, I’m not sure how much I really have to say about it. Nothing about it seemed particularly ZOMG AMAZEBALLS, but I had a good time watching it regardless. It was nice to see Peggy Carter back in action, crisp and kickass and fashionable as ever. Punching everyone in LA seems like a fabulous hobby, and I would happily watch her take it up.

Also nice to see Souza (whose new, adorable GF, I’m desperately hoping, is not secretly evil), two strong female antagonists (especially Dottie! Hi Dottie!), and the return of Jarvis, bored out of his mind and occasionally chasing flamingos. I also quite enjoy Jarvis’s wife, Ana, although I am a little disappointed that Angie’s disappeared into the television void. And Rose, the SSR telephone operator/receptionist, has come to play! I’m super jazzed about that.

Wilkes, Peggy’s new love interest, has supposedly been killed, although I don’t buy it for a second. (Although, to be fair, I’ve been wrong about that kind of thing before. Still. An explosion that’s evaporated his body? Yeah, okay, guys.) And I’m kind of waiting to see where Jack’s storyline goes (though I’m not nearly as interested in him as I am in Peggy, Jarvis, and Souza). Is he going to become a bad guy, do we think? Or is he going to realize he’s joining Hydra and eventually get murdered for it?

FAVORITE PART:

Hm, I’m not sure. I couldn’t help but adore Peggy and Jarvis looking at the flamingo in the car. They’re just so charmingly . . .British together. I don’t know. Also, Rose telling Souza that he should tell Peggy about his girlfriend, and then offering him a snarky cookie when it ends up being too late. (And this exchange too: “Daniel, you’re a nice guy.”/”Oh, that’s just mean.”)

TENTATIVE GRADE:

A-

Teen Wolf

Oh, Teen Wolf, how I have missed you!!! It’s lovely to have you back.

This is a solid season opener, although–like many of the season premieres–it spends most of its time setting things up, so you know the really exciting things are coming later. Scott has started the uneasy quest of getting the band back together after Theo so easily and thoroughly divided them last fall, and it’s not off to the best start, since his Super Angst is (likely) what’s preventing him from healing properly. (Like in Season 3A, when Derek was supposedly but obviously not actually dead. Can’t Heal With a Broken Heart was incredibly silly then, but it’s pretty much just canon now.)

I like a good deal about this episode: Scott and Stiles being forced to work together again (especially after Stiles throws Scott against a wall and slams him to the ground, which, not gonna lie, I kind of enjoyed watched), Scott offering to listen to Malia if she needs it, Mason’s reaction to Liam tearing a page out of a library book instead of using the copier like a civilized werewolf, and, obviously, all of Stiles’s stuff with his dad. (The repeated head injury/blackouts made me laugh a little–it’s really just a matter of time before this kid ends up with brain damage–but I totally adored the moment when the Sheriff woke up, so. I let it slide.) I was less impressed with the fact that all you need to do to find the Nemeton, apparently, is use your Werewolf Eyes, cause, seriously, nobody thought of that before? And I still think it’s weird that Stiles and Malia apparently broke up last season because that’s really not what I got from that scene, but all in all, I was pretty into the premiere.

Especially that last flash-forward, where Theo and His Evil Chimera Pack slow-mo walked into Eichen House to get Lydia, and a seriously pissed off hellhound came to meet them. Hot damn, Parrish. (Sorry for the pun. Heh, no I’m not.)

FAVORITE PART:

Oh, probably when the Sheriff wakes up. Sue me; I’m a sucker for Stilinski Family Feels.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B+

The Shannara Chronicles

This isn’t bad, so far. Some things I like; other things, not so much. Shall we good/meh/blarg it?

THE GOOD:

Amberle. Of the three main characters, Amberle’s easily my favorite so far. I question some of her decision making skills (like, maybe we should talk to someone about these visions before immediately running away?), but I buy her badass moments, and I adore her silver elf-ear jewelry. (Seriously, I want these.)

Amberle’s handmaiden. Is she coming back? She oughta come back.

The cinematography/special effects. MTV shows don’t usually have a gigantic budget (hence the shitty green screens and often laughable CGI on Teen Wolf), but this show looks pretty damn great, especially given its network.

Ander. I like this guy, and I really hope he doesn’t end up dying or turning out to be a Big Twist Bad Guy.

Manu Bennett. Allanon is gruff and enjoyable, and it’s nice to see Slade as a good guy this time around.

The surprising amount of bloody violence. Maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I wasn’t expecting Teen Wolf levels of violence from YA high fantasy. I’m happy to have been wrong and hope the gory fun continues.

John Rhys-Davies. Less because he does anything worthwhile (I’m basically just waiting for him to get horribly murdered) but because I like the actor.

THE MEH:

Will. When he’s going for comedic, I’m generally amused. When he’s going for emotional . . . yeah, I’m not quite there yet.

All the characters are . . . pretty damn trope-y. (Especially naive country boy Will and Ander’s annoying, I-Don’t-Trust-Druids-And-I-Wanna-Be-King-NOW brother.) Now, obviously, it’s extremely early, so maybe everyone’s going to end up subverting their tropes and end up in interesting places . . . but so far I’m not seeing much evidence to suggest that.

THE BLARG:

Eretria. I want to like her. I really do. Morally ambiguous thief girls? Totally my thing. But she didn’t strike me as tough or cutthroat or awesome; mostly, she just struck me as annoying and trying way too hard to seem badass. Perhaps the actress will settle into the character? I mean, there is definitely potential for growth. (Plus, she was Ofelia in Pan’s Labyrinth! Damn it, I want to like you SO MUCH.) It also probably doesn’t help that she and Will, who seem destined for one another, have about as much chemistry as a rock and bag of low-fat pretzels. (Eretria has far, far more chemistry with Amberle, so I could maybe be okay seeing them get together. Unlikely, perhaps, because I doubt that’s in the source material, but then again, this is MTV. The network gets a lot of shit from a lot of people, but they’ve done a pretty good job with gay and lesbian representation in their other shows, and I don’t think they’ll abandon that here.)

The annoying I-Wanna-Be-King Now prince. He’s not as serious of a problem for me as Eretria because I’m obviously supposed to actually like Eretria. But at present, he’s a one-note tool, and I have little interest in watching him snipe at his father and brother or betray his family and try to take the throne.

FAVORITE PART:

Hm, I’m not sure. Maybe the whole opener when Amberle wins the race? I enjoyed that. Also, whenever Allanon mocks Will. That’s obviously good, too.

Legends of Tomorrow

You know how some pilots just scream PILOT? Yeah, that’s how watching this episode felt. It wasn’t terrible or anything, but it just felt so compressed, so basic. They had to spend a lot of time going over the character backstories for anybody who doesn’t regularly watch Arrow and The Flash, which makes sense, but I couldn’t help but feel that new viewers would still be like . . . wait, who in the what now? Meanwhile, the rest of us, presumably, just tuned out Hawkgirl and Hawkman’s reincarnation story because it was kind of boring and unconvincing the first time around.. (Yes, I remain bitter that we didn’t get JLU Shayera Hol. You’re my favorite, Shayera!)

My random thoughts:

A. Oh man, Stein is a DICK. Drugging someone so they’re forced to travel through time with you on an almost certainly doomed quest to try and defeat an immortal super villain, all so you can have a little adventure and meaning in your life? Wow, no. I mean, I forgive it because I like Victor Garber, but no. He owed SO MUCH more of an apology to Jax at the end of this episode.

B. I do like that not everyone is initially eager to jump on board because, like, dying isn’t fun. I also like that Captain Cold and Heat Wave tag along primarily to steal shit.

C. Much to my shock, Heat Wave actually made me laugh intentionally a few times. Could he indeed be turning down the TOTAL CRAZY just a little? Because if he does, I could potentially actually like him.

D. I was convinced that Rip secretly wanted Captain Cold, Heat Wave, and White Canary to leave the ship because, otherwise, it seemed like a monumentally stupid plan to leave them alone. Apparently, it was just a monumentally stupid plan. Worked for me, though: I love the scene with the three of them at the bar. How long do you figure before CaptainCanary becomes canon? (ColdCanary? WhiteCold? I’m not the best at shipper names.)

E: Finally, and unfortunately, Vandal Savage continues to underwhelm me as a Big Bad.

FAVORITE PART:

Probably that bar scene. Otherwise, one of these two Heat Wave lines:

“Deafness wasn’t one of the side effects.”

“Why did we become criminals?”
“Because we hate working and love money.”

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B

Galavant

Honestly, I was shocked that this show didn’t get cancelled, and I wasn’t sure I was going to pick it up again. But a season premiere titled “A New Season aka Suck It, Cancellation Bear” was too hilarious to pass up.

Mostly, I’m in the same place I was last season. Some stuff cracks me up. I absolutely loved the opening song. And Galavant and Richard are fun to watch together. On the other hand, some of the humor feels tired and gets on my nerves. And my inner feminist sighed pretty heavily when Isabella, after mistakenly coming to believe that Galavant doesn’t love her anymore, decided to give up escaping her imprisonment/arranged marriage to her 12-year-old cousin because nothing matters if Galavant doesn’t love her. Like, really, Isabella? Really? It’s a fun enough show, and I will always be happy that Timothy Omundson has work, but even it miraculously makes a Season Three . . . I’m not sure I’m sticking around this time.

FAVORITE PART:

We didn’t actually see it, but apparently four pirates willingly walked the plank rather than hear the Galavant theme song one more time. Love it.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B-

I only have two season premieres to discuss with you today. I ought to have three, except that I haven’t quite made myself watch The Magicians yet. I had extremely mixed feelings on the first book, and while it’s a great concept for a TV series, I’m not sure I need yet another show where I want to strangle all the characters. The Flash, Arrow, Supergirl, and Legends of Tomorrow do enough to regularly raise my blood pressure, you know?

Unfortunately, I wasn’t too wild with the season premieres I did watch, either. Be warned: SPOILERS ahead.

Lucifer

This was . . . okay. On the plus side, Tom Ellis is charming as hell and also has a British accent, which is rarely ever a bad thing. And I’m kind of a sucker for the angel/demon mythos, even if I don’t always like where people go with it.

On the negative side, the wacky, charming guy who partners up with the straight-laced female cop is a very, very tired trope, and this is hardly the most exciting example of it. (For my money, Sleepy Hollow probably did it best because Nicole Beharie was fucking amazing. Sadly, everything else in that show went straight to hell in the second season.) Lauren German isn’t bad, necessarily, but I saw nothing particularly interesting about her, either, and I’m not sure I could possibly express to you how little interest I have in her bullshit relationship drama with her ex. (Oh, Kevin Alejandro. Why are they wasting you like this? I weep for the memory of Jesús.)

Plus–and I say this as someone who’s enjoyed a lot of detective shows–I feel like we’re really limiting the the potential here by making the whole thing a police procedural. If Lucifer was a private detective who occasionally consulted with the cops, you know, maybe that would have worked for me, but this current setup feels tired and small in scope. It also kind of bugs me that Lucifer’s “I’m So Sexy” powers only apparently work on women (except the female lead, of course). And maybe this is just me, but I find myself slightly uncomfortable with his powers anyway. Like getting someone to blurt out their secret desires, sure, no problem. Being entirely irresistible to the opposite sex, though, is . . . trickier. I know the psychologist and her Basic Instinct moment was supposed to be funny, but I mostly just felt uncomfortable. You can argue that Lucifer can’t make the doctor do anything she doesn’t secretly want to do, but you know, your inhibitions aren’t just some silly, artificial thing society has thrust upon you. Inhibitions are a part of who you are. What you choose not to do means something. So, yeah. I kind of cringed at that part.

Lucifer wasn’t terrible and I’ve definitely enjoyed shows that started with far worse pilots, but time ain’t cheap, you know, and I’m just not sure I want to waste time on one that’s so by-the-numbers. If someone decides they want to make a series about The Accountant from Drive Angry, though? I would watch the HELL out of that show.

FAVORITE PART:

You know, I’m honestly not sure. It’s been almost two weeks since I watched it, and while I’m sure Tom Ellis had a few jokes that made me laugh, nothing stands out to me now.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B

The X-Files

Wow. I know I was one of the few people who actually wasn’t looking forward to the show coming back, but I didn’t expect it to be this bad.

The second part of the two-part premiere was just kind of boring. I felt checked out during most of it and have very little to say, other than (a) stabbing yourself in the ear with a letter opener is always effectively creepy, and (b) the gay restroom joke felt really dated and weird to me. Oh, and I never actually watched the last X-Files movie that everybody hates, so when I found out about Mulder and Scully’s whole adoption storyline, I was pretty disappointed.

It’s the first hour, though, that is the true ungodly mess.

On the plus side, I always like seeing Gillian Anderson. (And I don’t see her as much as I’d like, because she does a lot of stuff I’m not terribly interested in.) I like Joel McHale too, and while his character is a very weird sort of hero to have (like, you go, 9/11 truther?), he might have been the only part of the story that felt updated or original in any way. At the very least, he had energy.

On the negative side . . . I mean . . . what the fuck? Seriously, did we just retcon, like, the entire show? I can’t decide what annoys me more: the giant ass retcon that the government’s been behind the abductions all along, or the fact that Mulder’s Big Revelation feels in no way earned. Like, he meets an unusual girl and sees a weird ship, and ten seconds later he knows without a doubt that everything he ever thought about aliens was a LIE? I never understood the jump in his thought process, and I’m thoroughly unimpressed with this weak ass writing. Come on, the takeover of America? Really? Really?

What’s funny, too, is that I was all about Mulder when I was younger. At 30, though, I’m like, “Whatever, Mulder, I don’t care about you and your man pain. Skinner, slap him around a little, would you? And Scully, let’s just focus on you, okay? Because you’re awesome, and because I feel that we need to discuss how you always manage to get blood on your neck during what are apparently very messy ear surgeries. Also . . . did you really never check yourself for alien DNA, like, even after all the crap you’ve been through? You’ve really never done that until now? Okay, then.”

I was only a mild Mulder/Scully shipper, so I don’t feel too invested one way or the other in their breakup. (Although I do get why the shippers are pissed.) But I was very annoyed by their big confrontation; it felt really cheap and weird and full of catchphrases instead of actual arguments. It was like the remix of a fight. It was fucking bizarre.

Considering that I wasn’t even excited about The X-Files returning, I didn’t think I could be disappointed by it. Apparently, I was wrong. If I hadn’t heard such good things about the third episode (currently living on my DVR with The Magicians pilot, the second episode of Lucifer, and half a dozen other things), I doubt I would even continue, even though I’m already 1/3 of the way through the series.

FAVORITE PART:

I’ll admit to laughing when Mulder told Tad, “My pursuit has not been so lucrative.”

TENTATIVE GRADE:

C-. And frankly, I think that’s generous.

(I know. I’m sure everyone’s using that headline, or some variant of. I can’t make myself care. The X-Files sure didn’t.)

When I first heard that The X-Files was returning, my interest was rather low. It’s not because I didn’t like The X-Files when it was on; I did, although certainly I wasn’t the show’s most diehard fan: I came into the series late, caught up on most, but not all, of it and gave up entirely after Mulder left. There are definitely episodes I never saw and whole plot arcs I don’t remember all these years later.

Still, I remember the show with fondness and I wanted to be excited about its revival. I just struggled with it because The X-Files ran for nine seasons and got two movies, and I’m generally of the opinion that anything that had so much time to tell its story doesn’t really need a comeback/sequel/revitalization. I’m much more interested in spending that energy bringing back worthwhile shows that were cancelled before their time.

But like I said, I didn’t expect The X-Files to be bad. And considering this revival was only six episodes, well, I felt honor bound to check it out.

Oh, I’ve given up.

You guys, I know I’ve said this before, but I’m saying it again: it shouldn’t even be possible to be this disappointed in a show when your expectations were only lukewarm at best.

And yet. Here we are. (Disclaimer: SPOILERS ahead.)

Of Season Ten’s six episodes, I have liked precisely one of them, and even the episode I did like (“Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster,” obviously) didn’t work for me on every level. (Parts of it were hilarious, though. Especially anything to do with Scully, who is clearly the best.) And to be clear: it’s not like the other five episodes were flawed or problematic but still interesting. At best, I was bored. At worst, I actively despised them.

I already discussed how I felt about the first two episodes, especially the bullshit retconning in the premiere and how Mulder’s Big Revelation didn’t feel earned to me in the slightest. But “Home Again” failed for me pretty badly, too, by horribly rushing Scully’s mother’s death and poorly tying it into the crappy adoption storyline. Gillian Anderson gave a great performance and I appreciated some of the callbacks, but everything about this story felt weirdly abrupt and just kind of dumb, so I couldn’t even emotionally invest in it the way I wanted to. (Medical oddness or inaccuracies bugged me a bit, too, which I’m much less forgiving about when the material is this crappy.)

And yet, somehow, “Home Again” was actually my second favorite episode of this season. That’s how bad the tenth season was. “Babylon” might have been the very worst. (It’s hard to be sure, with “My Struggle” and “My Struggle II” also sucking so hard). The Muslim-as-terrorist storyline was just the same, expected bullshit that needed to go away, you know, a decade ago. The medical inaccuracies were actually even worse. (When will people learn about central monitoring? Honestly. If someone hooked up to a telemetry machine codes, medical professionals outside the room will notice, and for Christ’s sake, 99% of people I’ve seen code don’t just drop from 120 to O in a second anyway. Hollywood’s love of the easy-to-understand flatline has given people lousy expectations of what death looks like.) The nurse was just nuts. Tripping Balls Mulder went on way too long; more importantly, his whole plan was the most batshit, bullshit thing I may have ever seen.

Seriously, guys. It’s one thing to create some kind of experimental SF telepathy machine, hook your detective and the mostly-dead guy up to it, and throw some psychedelics in to broaden the detective’s horizons or whatever. That’s Fringe. I can deal with that. Mulder, on the other hand, literally just took shrooms in the patient’s presence. That . . . does not work. A character should have to do more than get high near a braindead patient in order to make psychic contact with him and, by extension, solve the mystery of the week. (It’s not even a monster of the week. Why isn’t “Babylon” about investigating the mysterious trumpet noises? That might have felt like an X-Files episode.) Except, of course, that Mulder didn’t even take the shrooms because he actually took a placebo and shitty writing the power of suggestion alone made him telepathically connect with Shiraz, all so that the show could poorly tie this total crap story to thematic shit about, like, faith or whatever? It’s so, so bad.

And then we have our finale “My Struggle II.” Le sigh.

I was initially surprised when I realized that the six-episode season wouldn’t be a continuing storyline because anything that short usually is. After “My Struggle,” of course, I was frankly relieved we were moving on to standalone episodes . . . but that also meant that this whole pandemic felt like it came out of nowhere, with Scully making ridiculously fast leaps that just seemed entirely out of character. The poorly named Agent Einstein is like, “Hey, maybe we slow our roll and talk about this semi-reasonably,” and the usually logical Scully is like, “There’s no time for reason!” and I’m like, “Sweet Jesus, WTF?”

The premise seemed weirdly anti-vaxxer, too, which I was pretty uncomfortable with. I guess there’s pro-vaccine stuff, too (as Scully saves everyone with a vaccine made from her–and say it with me now–ALIEN DNA), but that’s also kind of problematic since vaccines are preventative measures and can’t cure shit. Like, you know I don’t do science, and even I know this. And how quickly did Scully make up this magical antidote anyway? It seemed like I blinked, and Scully went from, “Oh, this is what I need to do!” to “I can save everyone now!” Like, she just ran around with what I’m convinced was merely a bag of normal saline and was like, “You’ll all be fine!” Except Mulder, of course, who was SUPER sick and could only be cured by their absent son, assuming they don’t all get blown up first. I’m finding myself super apathetic about such a fate.

Other things worth mentioning:

A: Why, in God’s name, wasn’t anyone wearing any form of PPE? We’ve got anthrax, we’ve got Totally Creepy Eye Disease, we’ve got probably every other form of illness and contagion imaginable, but you wouldn’t know it from the medical staff, who mostly couldn’t even bother with basic surgical masks, much less isolation gowns, respirators, bunny suits, etc. Of course, as the (stupidly sudden) plague increases in intensity, the hospital would surely start running out of equipment, but even in the beginning no one seems that concerned about basic safety for either themselves or their other patients. I take issue with this.

B. Mulder was apparently so non-essential to the plot that they just decided to have him needlessly confront the Cigarette Smoking Man, I guess, and then suddenly collapse? Yeah, okay.

C. Has anyone re-watched this episode to count how many times ALIEN DNA was said? I have a really bizarre urge to get a dog and name it Alien DNA now. “Aw, Alien DNA, did you have an accident? Alien DNA, stop eating my shoes!” Conversely, I suppose we could just have a mixed drinks competition. Give me your best cocktail recipe for Alien DNA: go!

On a similar note: we really don’t need to have someone say a variation on “I want to believe” in every single episode. We really really don’t.

CONCLUSIONS:

The tenth season was bad on a pretty embarrassing level. I don’t even care about that cliffhanger. I have -4000% interest in coming back for an eleventh season.

MVP:

Gillian Anderson, no question.

TENTATIVE SEASON GRADE:

D. And that’s taking “Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster” into account. I watch a lot of shows that semi-regularly frustrate me, but I haven’t disliked something this much since I watched a random episode of 2 Broke Girls.

MORAL:

Anything can be saved by shrooms, placebos, or alien DNA. Except maybe being blown up, but I suspect that Scully will simply throw her magical IV bag at the alien ship which will promptly liquify like the Wicked Witch of the West. Because that makes about as much as sense as anything else on this show.

A while ago, I heard that BBC had done a miniseries adaptation of And Then There Were None and, more importantly, that it was based on the book itself, not the play, which meant that it had a much higher chance of including the original ending and not the Total Bullshit Ending. Obviously, I was very excited, especially after seeing this cast: Toby Stephens, Charles Dance, Burn Gorman, Miranda Richardson, Sam Neill, etc. I mean, it wasn’t the dream cast Mek and I selected four years ago (which wouldn’t have been fully possible now, anyway, with Alan Rickman’s passing), but it was still a damn good one.

I figured it’d be quite some time before I had the opportunity to see it, not living on the right side of the pond, but Lifetime just aired the miniseries, so obviously Mekaela and I had to watch it.

This probably won’t be a particularly long review, since I hadn’t actually been planning on writing one. But you know me. (Well, you might.) I always have at least a few things I want to say.

DISCLAIMER:

It’s been a while since I’ve picked up the novel, but I first read it when I was about eleven, and it left a huge impression on me; thus, I am very much judging this as an adaptation, not merely its own work. Fair? Possibly not, but that’s just how it is. Also, only very mild spoilers until we hit the actual Spoiler Section. Then all bets are off.

SUMMARY:

Ten strangers visit a small island under various different pretenses, but turns out they’ve all secretly been invited for one reason: to be accused of murder and get executed ONE BY ONE. And to make it really interesting, they’re getting murdered in accordance with a totally weird and horribly racist nursery rhyme.

NOTES:

1. So, you’ll be happy to hear: they (mostly) stick the ending.

Every adaptation makes changes. They have to; there’s no way of getting around that. But sometimes those changes are thoughtful and make sense, and sometimes you’re just like, What the effing eff? Honestly, I’d say I had both reactions to this particular miniseries, but I am happy to report that they at least stuck to the spirit of the original ending, which is really what I wanted to see. The miniseries as a whole is probably a B for me, but I’m inclined to up the grade merely because the last five minutes aren’t utterly ridiculous weak sauce, like virtually every other adaptation.

2. When it comes to thoughtful changes–and by thoughtful, I mean “Holy Shit, Of COURSE You Did, Thank GOD”–creating new names for both the island and the poem is obviously a sound one. Soldier Island is fine. Indian Island is not, and that’s actually the less problematic option when you consider the original and breathtakingly racist N-Word Island. Likewise, let’s just go ahead and keep killing off Soldier Boys in that poem, shall we, rather than the alternatives? I mean, Jesus.

3. My biggest problem with And Then There Were None is that it very rarely feels particularly tense.

It looks tense enough. It just doesn’t FEEL tense.

The miniseries focuses heavily on the psychological aspect of the story, specifically the guests’ guilt, which–interestingly–almost makes the miniseries feel like a ghost story for a good long while. (And don’t even get me started on how excited I am by the idea of And Then There Were None as a ghost story. Ugh, stop it, brain, stop it; you already have a zillion projects.) But the miniseries is so enamored of its hallucinations and flashbacks (of which there are a few too many for my tastes, like I probably only need to see little Cyril running on a beach so many times) that it forgets it’s still telling a story about a group of people who are in fear for their lives.

Look, guilt is fine. And the book itself isn’t exactly a horror novel so much as a particularly macabre murder mystery . . . but there are still aspects of the horrific about it, and despite a character becoming hysterical here or depressed there, I never really feel like these people are in fear for their lives. There’s no real tension when they turn corners, when they barricade themselves behind locked doors, when they pick up what could quite possibly be a poisoned cup of tea. And because of this, I think, the majority of deaths feel absurdly abrupt, not in a shocking OMG sort of way, but more like poor editing.

Last week, my friend Cory directed me to this Tumblr post linking hurt/comfort fanfiction to horror stories, which led me to this Youtube video that talks about how horror games create cycles of tension, and while it’s mostly stuff I already instinctively knew, it’s also been on my mind because I never really bothered putting into words before. And Then There Were None reminds me of it, a little, because the miniseries never quite manages to bring much sense of anticipation to the story, and without the anticipation, the murders themselves feel almost commonplace, like, Oh, so, looks like another character died. All right, let’s move onto the next scene. And while I was never bored watching the miniseries, I was never fully engaged, either; it ought to be claustrophobic and tense, and instead I found it rather . . . sedate.

4. Well, except for that scene where certain characters lose their godamn minds and decide to bust out the booze and the music and the fucking cocaine while someone is running around, trying to kill them. Yeah. If you’re wondering, this is the primary adaptation change where I was like, “Um, what the EFFING EFF?!” Because like I said, it’s been a while since I read the book, but I’m pretty sure I would have remembered Agatha Christie’s Cocaine Party. (Man, that’s a band name right there.) And seriously, this is the second movie I’ve watched in the last couple of months where people who are imminent danger of being murdered are just like, “Screw it! Let’s get wasted!” I understand despair just fine, but good God, doesn’t anyone have survival instincts?

5. On the plus side, the acting all around is pretty great. I’m definitely struggling with who to pick for MVP. Charles Dance and Miranda Richardson are both excellent, as always, but I’m not sure if either have quite enough screen time. Aidan Turner and Toby Stephens both give very solid performances, but I’m not sure that either role is particularly difficult. I’m kind of leaning towards Maeve Dermody and Burn Gorman, myself, but I keep going back and forth on it. By the end of this, I’ll probably just have picked one out of a hat and called it a day.

6. Finally, here is the (er, edited) poem/nursery rhyme from the book:

Ten little Soldier Boys went out to dine;
One choked his little self and then there were nine.

Nine little Soldier Boys sat up very late;
One overslept himself and then there were eight.

Eight little Soldier Boys travelling in Devon;
One said he’d stay there and then there were seven.

Seven little Soldier Boys chopping up sticks;
One chopped himself in halves and then there were six.

Six little Soldier Boys playing with a hive;
A bumblebee stung one and then there were five.

Five little Soldier Boys going in for law;
One got in Chancery and then there were four.

Four little Soldier Boys going out to sea;
A red herring swallowed one and then there were three.

Three little Soldier Boys walking in the zoo;
A big bear hugged one and then there were two.

Two little Soldier Boys sitting in the sun;
One got frizzled up and then there was one.

One little Soldier Boy left all alone;
He went out and hanged himself and then there were none.

I’m typing it out here because I think the miniseries would definitely have benefited from someone reciting the whole thing out loud for the audience at least once. Part of the fun as a reader is going through the book wondering, say, how the killer is going to kill someone with a big bear, particularly when there are no bears or zoos on the island. Bizarrely, the miniseries never bothers to do this, so if you haven’t read the book and memorized the poem yourself, you never really gets the chance to get in on the fun.

Also, you’d think the characters themselves would try and analyze the poem more in order to avoid dying, wouldn’t you? Oh, what am I saying: these people don’t care about surviving until tomorrow! They have coke parties to attend to!

For more on adaptation changes, as well as the ending, continue below.

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS 

And Then There Were None is a fairly faithful adaptation of the novel, all things considered, but a few deviations worth mentioning:

A. In the novel, Blore (Gorman) is guilty of giving false testimony in court, resulting in an innocent man going to prison, where he dies. In the miniseries, he essentially stomps a young gay man to death. I don’t particularly mind this change, nor do I really mind that General MacArthur (Neill) shoots his wife’s lover in the back instead of sending him out on a suicide mission (although it does feel a tiny bit silly).

B. I do mind the weird shot of Emily Brent (Richardson) creepily touching her young maid’s face, however, because it has a bizarre, almost predatory lesbian vibe to it that I’m like, “Uh, no? How about we don’t do that? Ever?” I mean, maybe that’s not what they were going for, since the rest of the story rings true with the novel: Brent, as devout as she is merciless, turns her pregnant maid away and feels no pity or guilt when the maid kills herself. But if I wasn’t supposed to read squicky-molesty vibes from that shot, I have no idea what they intended or why they included it.

C. I’m a bit torn on Blore’s death. On one hand, I can see why killing a dude by dropping a bear-shaped clock on his head is not the most cinematic (or even particularly thorough) way to murder someone. On the other hand, just stabbing a dude in the chest with a kitchen knife, and then dropping one of those horrifying bear skin rugs on his feet just feels a little lazy. See also: stabbing Emily Brent with her monogrammed knitting needles.

D. Dr. Armstrong (Toby Stephens) is rather more agitated and hysterical than I remember him being.

I seem relatively collected here, but don’t be fooled: that’s not the norm. I beat a gong like no one’s business, though. (Not a euphemism.)

I actually found him pretty enjoyable to watch; not having STARZ, I primarily know Stephens as Mr. Rochester from one of the various versions of Jane Eyre, and this is definitely different than that. Seriously, the scene where he’s freaking out and ringing the gong to rouse everyone? Yeah, that’d probably be me. There’s no dignity to be had when people are being murdered all around you.

E. I’m pretty sure Vera and Philip don’t actually hook up in the book because, you know, of course they don’t. Making out in the miniseries doesn’t bother me at all; I was, however, a bit disappointed with the beach scene where Vera shoots Philip. It’s the one that stands out most in my mind from when I first read the book, where both characters think the other is the bad guy, and Little Carlie is yelling at them, “No, damn it, one of the dead guys isn’t actually dead!” The scene from the miniseries is more or less accurate to the novel, but it feels like a particularly lackluster translation to me.

Finally, the ending:

Seriously, this cannot be stated enough: I AM SO HAPPY EVERYONE DIES. (Yes, I’m aware how that makes me sound. But come on: the ending is what MAKES And Then There Were None. You can’t just slap some happy ending on it where two people are secretly innocent and run off to be in love with each other. That just ruins the whole story.)

Also: I totally understand why they did what they did, with Wargrave (Dance) revealing his identity to Vera (Dermody) before killing her. It’s a great scene, actually, probably the most dynamic one in the whole miniseries, with Charles Dance being his usual amazing self, and Maeve Dermody speaking in this literally and progressively more strangled tone, revealing the cold-blooded monster that was always lying within. I understand why no one wanted Wargrave to throw his Exposition/Great Master Plan in a bottle and chuck it to the sea, and I also figure there’s a limit to how long Wargrave can realistically monologue before Vera just dies; nonetheless, I do kind of miss hearing all the details about how he did what he did and which order he chose to kill people in and so forth. Not to mention the scene at the end of the novel with the two completely stymied cops going like, “But . . . but . . . nothing makes sense!”

That being said, this is a pretty solid ending, and while I missed the extra exposition, I can’t really fault the miniseries for cutting it.

CONCLUSIONS:

Enjoyable. I certainly feel like it had faults (unlike, apparently, everyone else–I just read, like, five glowing reviews from people who were considerably more impressed than I was), but it’s easily the best adaptation this novel has ever had, and some of it was quite well done.

MVP:

I think I’m going to give this one to Maeve Dermody. That last scene in particular was great. But Charles Dance was a serious consideration, as well as Burn Gorman (who surprised me by providing some nuance to a not particularly nuanced character).

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B+

MORAL:

If you’re on a mysterious island and someone has accused you and everyone else there of murder, and then, rather suddenly, two people separately die . . . don’t believe anyone who tries to convince you that only cocaine and “fear” are to blame. You are being hunted. You are going to die. Light a godamn signal fire, and either convince everyone to stay together at all times, or find a weapon and barricade yourself in your room. For Christ’s sake.

Ugh, I’m so far behind on things. I really should just wait until later tonight when I can discuss the season premiere of Daredevil, but that means I’d have to, you know, actually stop watching Daredevil long enough to write about it. Which, ha. I’m only going to stop watching Daredevil when my sister needs to sleep. (Damn her. Damn her to hell.)

So. We’re just going to do a combo post today, two birds, one stone, you get the idea. As always, SPOILERS ahead.

SEASON PREMIERES

Hap & Leonard

For the most part, I enjoyed this. I read the first two books in the series a long time ago, and the show seems to have stuck pretty well to the novel’s 80’s, offbeat, country noir tone. (I actually still own the first book, but I’m waiting for the season to wrap up before I look it over.)

The show has a fantastic cast. I like Hap (James Purefoy) and Leonard (Michael K. Williams) and I’m interested in their friendship, specifically those ominous looking flashbacks. Christina Hendricks appears to be a hippie femme fatale, so that’s fun, and I see Jimmi Simpson is continuing his career path of Total Weirdo Character Roles. (It’s not a complaint, mind. I always enjoy seeing him.)

The only one I’m not currently feeling is Chubs, not because the actor is bad, but because I suspect he’s going to lead to six episodes of fat jokes, and boy, is that something I’m not looking forward to. But otherwise, I’m interested in the show. It’s not quite filling the hole in my heart that Justified left behind, but to be fair, that’s a pretty significant hole.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B+

Damien

Oh, wow. Oh, man. That was terrible. Like, on a level even I wasn’t anticipating. Maybe not in the realm of 2 Broke Girls or 10th season X-Files terrible, but yeah. I won’t be coming back for more.

Look, the concept of Damien is kind of interesting. I’m all about fated characters potentially breaking away from destiny, especially if their destiny is to be evil. (Good Omens, for example? Totally my thing.) So the idea of Damien as this protagonist dude who has all these repressed memories and has to come to grips with the fact that he’s the Antichrist is somewhat intriguing to me. Especially if you consider what his infamous birthday day party would have been like for a kid who doesn’t know he’s the son of Satan. Like, holy shit, that’s the most traumatic birthday party ever! There are potentially interesting ideas here.

But oh my God, the is writing terrible. The show gives us an okay teaser, but as soon as the hilarious opening credits roll, we jump into an exposition nightmare. It’s bad. It’s so, so bad. It kind of reminds me of the Supernatural pilot, but even worse. The ex-girlfriend, Kelly, jumps on the Something Biblical is Happening train ridiculously fast, and that’s not even getting into the scene where Damien’s trying to deny that anything strange is going on . . . until five seconds later, in the same scene, when he and Kelly wildly reverse positions. I’d like to say that Kelly’s death is a surprise but unfortunately it isn’t, although to be fair, that’s very possibly because I was already familiar with Megalyn Echikunwoke, the actress who’d been cast as her sister, and I was like, “Show, you’re not fooling me. I know this is your actual leading lady.” (And as a side note . . . um . . . why the hell are Damien, Damien’s Friend, and Kelly’s Sister all riding alone in the backseat of the ambulance with Kelly’s body in an unzipped body bag? Like, is that normal? That totally doesn’t feel normal.)

On the positive side . . . well . . . they actually say Book of Revelation instead of Revelations! So, that’s cool! Barbara Hershey seems wonderfully creepy. And there’s a shot of an upset Damien touching a huge statue of Jesus Christ and making it crumble to pieces. That’s actually kind of neat, or could have been. But the show overplays its hand trying to be ominous, especially in the scene where some Rottweilers hellhounds kill that old guy. It wants to be scary and tense, like SO HARD, but really, it’s just various shots of religious iconography set to the movie’s Oscar-winning theme music, and admittedly, that music is amazing, but you know, you can’t just pair it with anything and call it a day. The whole show just feels kind of lazy.

I eagerly await your cancellation, Damien, so I can go watch Bradley James in something more worthy of his talent. (Also, maybe we can get that Vixen live action TV show? Or Echikunwoke could at least join Legends of Tomorrow and liven things up a bit.)

TENTATIVE GRADE:

D

SEASON FINALES

Agent Carter

Overall, a pretty solid conclusion to a very enjoyable second (and possibly last) season. (Please come back, show. PLEASE COME BACK.) I did feel like Whitney Frost went down a little too easily, like, the fact that she didn’t notice the giant cannon thing behind her was hilarious, but I probably could have let it go if there had been more complications or a fight involved or something. Unfortunately, the Big Threat seemed to be dispatched awfully quickly, and I feel like Whitney deserved better because she was a fantastic villain.

On the upside, I’m relieved that Sousa didn’t die in the vacuum like I totally assumed he was going to. Seriously, I so had this guy marked for dead, and I’m glad to have been wrong. (It’s nice that Peggy has her own Man in a Refrigerator, but I didn’t really want her to have another one, at least, not so soon.) And I’m happy that Sousa and Peggy got together, although I feel like the storyline with Sousa’s fiancee this season was an unnecessary and dumb complication that should have just been written out entirely. (Again, I assumed she’d come back and play some kind of role. For her to just disappear like she did, meh. Why even have her?) I did like how Peggy and Wilkes ended things, though, and I’m excited about her staying in LA. More sunshine! More Rose!

I’m a little surprised that everyone seems to assume Jack is unequivocally dead. He could be, of course, but he didn’t get shot in the head or anything, and he wasn’t making Dead Face. I guess we’ll find out if, mercifully, Agent Carter comes back for a third season. (Seriously, show. COME BACK TO ME.)

FINALE GRADE:

B+

SEASON GRADE:

A-

How to Get Away With Murder

Oh, this show. I fell mad in love with HtGAWM last fall, but second season has been a little off-balance for some time now. I still enjoy it, but I’m also deeply relieved to say goodbye to this season and move onto the next, like, I don’t even care how ridiculously quick the Hapstall murder mystery was taken care of; I was just thrilled it was DONE.

The season finale was, you know, okay. Cicely Tyson is always a delight to watch, and I’m happy that Annalise seems like she might kinda, sorta be on the emotional mend? Like, I’m all for her being a damaged, flawed character–Viola Davis is, quite obviously, a powerhouse, and I expect her to get the meatiest material to work with–but after a while, self-destruction actually gets a little repetitive, and I’m desperate to see the show focus a little more on her as the cool, hard-as-nails badass she used to be. It’s rare that I say this, but I actually think the show might do a little better to focus on weekly cases again. I miss those from first season. They gave it a sense of structure.

The very sudden demise of Adam Arkin was great, too, although I’m not gonna lie: I’d have been happier if they’d killed Wes instead. (Yeah, I know it’s not going to happen. I can still dream. I find Wes incredibly annoying. Sorry, Dean Thomas.) And Oliver’s deception is interesting, and by interesting, I mean holy shit, what a dick move. I really need this to be about something more than the fact that Oliver doesn’t want to move to California. Like, if he’s involved in some secret conspiracy or mystery, awesome, but if it’s just because he wants to continue hanging out with Annalise’s crew to provide some thrills? Please, no. I kind of need a halfway decent character to root for in the bunch, and that person should be Oliver. Connor and Oliver are, like, one of my favorite ships ever. Please don’t make me hate them.

Here’s what I need to see from Season 3:

A. Less Annalise damage, and more focus on the other characters. Seriously, Viola Davis is amazing, but the rest of the cast is pretty great, too, and we’re really underutilizing them at this point. Especially Michaela. Please give Michaela a better storyline. In fact, please give Michaela a storyline that doesn’t mostly revolve around a man. Even if that man is Asher. (I, uh, have not made up my mind about this ship yet.)

B. Also, we should probably really delve into Laurel’s family stuff now, instead of just skirting around the edges as we’ve been doing.

C. More Connor/Oliver time. Feel free to include Oliver being cute, remembering that he once wore glasses, and finding out that he’s hanging with a bunch of murderers and dead body-disposers. Connor, meanwhile, can feel free to take off his shirt, tightly hold onto a pillow, and/or have more nervous breakdowns that may or may not include manically singing.

D. No more about the Hapstalls. Seriously. For the love of GOD, let that be the end.

E. Maybe a scene that’s actually in law school?

F. MORE CRAZY MURDER. Always.

FINALE GRADE:

B

SEASON GRADE:

B

The Shannara Chronicles

So, that . . . kind of sucked? Like, okay, this show wasn’t amazing, but I thought it had some potential in the beginning. Unfortunately, I didn’t really like where it went at all.

The idea of Amberle becoming the tree was kind of cool, and I’m happy that she wasn’t immediately all like, “Well, if that’s my duty, then of course I’ll do it!” But that she only became ready after having sex with our boring half-elf hero? Please. More importantly, I’m seriously annoyed that her fear of, you know, becoming a tree for the rest of her life was somehow all about Will. Like, come on. Even if these two had chemistry (which they don’t) or had been together a long time (which they haven’t), this would drive me crazy. Also, the L-word? Nope. Not having it. This show’s romantic relationships are the very definition of bland.

Interesting to note: there are a lot of women sacrificing themselves in this finale. (The men, you’ll notice, don’t sacrifice shit.) Eretria staying behind so the others can escape works for me, and Amberle becoming a tree (theoretically) does too, but Commander Tilton, the badass warrior elf? She doesn’t even die doing something important; she is literally only killed for Ander’s epic man pain, and guys, this dude already lost his dad and his brother in this season alone, not to mention his other brother in the past and is about to lose his niece. Tilton’s death is some serious bullshit. (Also, did Zombie Arion feel totally random to everyone else? Have there been other zombies running around before?)

Also, the whole story with Bandon felt pretty mishandled to me. I really wanted to care about him, but everything was so poorly plotted that I just couldn’t bring myself to. It sucked for Catania, too, who showed such promise in the pilot and then just become Bandon’s Totally Insignificant Love Interest. Frankly, I’m slightly surprised she didn’t sacrifice herself as well.

ALSO, shouldn’t Will suffer something for using magic to bring Eretria back to life? That’s how big deal magic works in this verse, right, that there’s pain and consequence for spell craft? (Like how Will’s Daddy’s life turned out totally sucky?) If this is coming in second season, well, I won’t be around to see it. Despite the show ending on something of a cliffhanger, I was so utterly disinterested by the last few episodes that I have no desire to continue watching the show. I’d love to see MTV take on YA epic fantasy, but this one is far too generic for me.

FINALE GRADE:

C-

SEASON GRADE:

C

Well, folks. I’ve finished watching Teen Wolf Season 5B, and it was . . . not my favorite.

I will always love you, show. I will watch you to the bitter end. But, yeah, I definitely think you missed some opportunities here.

DISCLAIMER:

As with all my Teen Wolf reviews, SPOILERS! SPOILERS EVERYWHERE!

SUMMARY:

After the events of “Status Asthmaticus,” Scott McCall’s Pack of Mostly Miscellaneous Supernatural Creatures seems to have broken up for good. But Scott must bring them back together if he wants to stop the Dread Doctors before they can bring the nefarious Beast of GÉVAUDAN back to life.

NOTES:

1. First, let’s talk the Beast of GÉVAUDAN because, man, there are some things to talk about.

1A. If you’re curious, I’m typing GÉVAUDAN out in all capital letters because, unfortunately, there is simply no great way to reproduce a ridiculously over-the-top French accent merely by typing it. I’m not an expert on the language by any means (I can say maybe three things, and they’re probably all pronounced incorrectly), but it seems that when Argent the Younger says “Gévaudan,” the French syllables flow perfectly off his tongue, like he actually speaks the language, a distinct possibility considering J.R. Bourne is Canadian. However, when Argent the Elder (Michael Hogan) says “Gévaudan,” it’s definitely “GÉVAUDAN.” Imagine some old sea dog on a beach telling French ghost stories to frightened youngsters, and you’ll get Gerard Argent. (Of course, for all I know Michael Hogan speaks French beautifully. He’s also Canadian, after all, and anyway it’s hard to judge with him on this show; he’s always delivered his lines as if he chews just a little bit harder, he’ll finally crack one and find some elusive prize hidden inside.)

1B. There is nothing better in life than the total random synchronicity of the universe. Case in point: prior to 2016, I’d never heard of the Beast of Gévaudan before, and yet, right about the time this season started, I read a book called The Devourers which my friend Indra Das wrote. (It’s awesome, and–shameless plug–it’s coming to America this July!) The book also makes use of the Beast of Gévaudan, which is particularly funny to me because these two werewolf stories couldn’t possibly be more different, like, in every single aspect. There’s something beautiful about the same legend being used by both literary, historical, Indian horror-fantasy and MTV pop YA horror-fantasy, and I mean that with total sincerity. The world is a strange, inexplicable place.

1C. Unfortunately, the identity of the Beast of GÉVAUDAN is only one of this season’s many, many problems.

Yeah. I wonder who it could possibly be.

Almost every Teen Wolf season revolves around some kind of mystery. Season 1: Who is the Alpha, Season 2: Who is the Kanima, etc. There’s even kind of a Tumblr joke about it. (Well, about that and the show’s high death count, of course, since 3A and 3B killed off, what? Four main players?) This season’s mystery is Who is the Beast and, sadly, it’s painfully, painfully obvious that Mason is the Beast. Why? Because there are no other suspects.

People, I tried to come up with other suspects. I sat on this broken down, crappy ass couch of mine and stretched and stretched for them. Maybe it could be that one girl who was losing her hair due to stress in that one episode? Maybe it could be Liam’s bisexual werewolf nemesis from that other school who shows up from time to time, either to play lacrosse or sexy dance at the most hilariously illegal nightclub ever? Oh, that werewolf dude has some random sister who’s apparently just coming back now after appearing for, like, a second two seasons ago? Sure, it could be her, why not? Maybe Jackson will come back from England–Colton Haynes is done with Arrow, right? He could totally come back. MAYBE THIS WILL FINALLY EXPLAIN WHATEVER THE FUCK HAPPENED TO DANNY. That would be awesome, but whoever it is, please, please just don’t let it be Mason.

Well, it was Mason. And I actually like Mason quite a bit; he’s about the only thing that makes the JV Squad of Teen Wolf bearable, and I’m all for him having an actual storyline– but guys, you can’t set up a mystery in Episode 11, rule out virtually every other main character (who were all incredibly unlikely anyway) by Episode 15, and then reveal that the only real suspect is, shocker, the bad guy at the end of Episode 18. That’s just weak writing. We either needed far more actual suspects (and not just the ones I was reaching for), or the mystery needed to be resolved much, much sooner, focusing primarily on saving Mason rather than merely identifying him.

1D. The other thing about Mason is that he seems to be a bright enough guy, so it kind of kills me that it never even occurs to him to think, Huh, I don’t remember what I was doing all those nights the Beast was killing people. That seems suspicious. Maybe I should check my shoes or something to make sure I’m not the killer we’re hunting for. Because sure, Mason probably doesn’t know he’s a chimera and I guess I can’t expect him to call the Cannibal Twin in Utero twist (although, just so you know, I totally did), but, like, he absolutely knows that a) the Beast and his teenage alter ego are unaware of one another, and b) their list of genetic chimeras is incomplete. Don’t you think you’d do a quick check, for peace of mind if nothing else?

I’m just saying. I expect a tiny bit better from Mason.

2. Here’s my real beef with 5B: while some of the ideas and moments are cool, almost every character’s storyline is either ridiculously rushed or stretched out for very little payoff. We’ll come back to the former in a while, but when it comes to zero payoff?

This guy. Oh man, this guy.

Again, I like Parrish. He’s a funny, not unattractive dude, and some of his backstory was interesting, like, I was super intrigued by the revelation that he actually died overseas defusing a bomb and only came back because of Scott’s, Allison’s, and Stiles’s sacrifice to the Nemeton way back in 3A. (I really wish we’d explored that further, actually . . . is Parrish essentially a ghost possessing his own body? Could you exorcise him? Will he and the Hellhound ever learn how to talk to one another directly?) But his journey to self-discovery in 5B gets repetitive fast and ultimately serves little purpose. Like, okay, here’s my imagined summary of Parrish/The Hellhound’s internal monologue for the entire season:

“So, I’m ineffectually hunting down this Beast. Crap, he got away, but wait! Let me go ineffectually chase him again! Everyone’s saying I’m the only one who can stop him, after all, since someone finger painted us battling it out on some wall. Except maybe I’m evil because I’m a hellhound and that just sounds bad? No, no, I have a duty to ineffectually chase down the Beast because I am super, super, super important.”

Well, guess what? He’s not super important. He’s not super important at all. The only thing, the ONLY THING, the Hellhound does is hold the Smoke Monster Beast for, like, two seconds so that Scott can throw the antique-cane-spear thing at him. It’s vastly underwhelming, especially when you consider the fact that there was one person who didn’t need a hellhound to kill the Beast of GÉVAUDAN: Marie fuckin’ Jeanne. Yeah. She hunted the Beast down for years and killed it by herself without benefit of any supernatural powers, much less a hellhound sidekick.

So, yeah. Parrish, I like you, buddy, but really, you’re kind of useless.

3. While we’re on the subject of Marie Jeanne . . .

. . . a few more notes.

3A. It was kind of nice seeing Crystal Reed again. It would’ve been nicer if her casting had been a surprise, and I will never fail to be amused by actors playing their relatives/distant ancestors as if it’s totally normal to look exactly like your great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandma. Still, I thought it was a nice way to include her.

3B. Especially because I really like that the Beast hesitated when he saw Allison in Scott’s mind, that the memory of her gave Scott just enough time to regain the upper hand. I’ve honestly never been wild about the sentiment that the people you love live on within you after they die (or, anyway, I don’t find it particularly helpful as a condolence), but I do like the idea of that concept being presented in such a tangible way. That, I thought, was kind of neat.

Of course, then I wanted to beat my head into the wall because Lydia and Stiles close out the season with a scene explicitly spelling all that out for the audience, like we didn’t get it the first time around? (Seriously, writers. Hush your mouths.) Still, it was a nice idea.

3C. Like I said before, I am by no means an expert on the French language, but Crystal Reed’s attempt at French-accented English was . . . oh, it was so bad, so laughably bad, shaky and all over the place. In one notable scene, it was in Sunnydale circa 1997. I swear to God, I got flashbacks of Kendra’s terrible Jamaican accent from BTVS all over again. (In semi-related news, I miss Ms. Morell. I wish she would come back to Teen Wolf to offer up more guidance counseling and Needles of Death to our heroes.)

4. As far as whose storylines were entirely rushed or otherwise off balance . . . shit, let’s just go character by character, shall we?

Kira

I was really excited in 5A when Kira finally got her own individual storyline, and I assumed that 5B would flesh out that storyline, do something interesting with it–pretty much anything other than what they actually did. Instead, Kira comes back from the desert without having learned a damn thing, and her whole inner fox dilemma is dropped easily half the time. Kira’s bonkers kitsune is starting to feel a little like Chronos on Legends of Tomorrow: it pops up not organically, but whenever the show needs a plot complication. (And this is admittedly off topic, but anyone who also watches Legends . . . do you think Chronos is going to have a big twist secret identity, say like Mick Rory or Rip Hunter’s Supposedly Dead Wife or Child? Time travel, guys; anything is possible.)

I’m at least glad Kira goes back to the skinwalkers at the end of the season–because, otherwise, that whole subplot would’ve felt remarkably dumb, instead of just a little off–but she definitely deserves better in Season 6. Also–and I’m probably just forgetting something–did they ever actually solve the mystery of who killed that chimera and made it look like Kira? Was it supposed to be Theo? It’s always Theo, isn’t it? ALSO, did we ever figure out the whole deal with Theo’s parents from 5A? Because they weren’t actually his parents, right? Did Theo murder them and hire super bitter actors or something?

Malia

On paper, Malia’s storyline with her mom is kind of awesome. Malia wants revenge, the Desert Wolf wants her full powers back, and the whole thing ends with Malia stealing the rest of her mother’s power but choosing not to murder her. That all works and is very much in line with Teen Wolf’s Do-Not-Kill philosophy (with the exception of Theo, but we’ll get to Theo).

Unfortunately, while I appreciate that Malia had her own storyline, it felt sidelined far too much of the time for me and definitely out of balance with the season’s main plot. (Especially in the finale, which probably should have been two hours long, just to give all the loose ends some damn breathing room.) The Desert Wolf has been built up a little too much to end up such a small-time villain–and she does feel small time, a C-Plot bad guy. I do like Malia and Braeden teaming up, but I constantly felt like the pack should have been more involved, and at times their absence felt incredibly artificial.

Also, I don’t mind that Malia and Stiles broke up–and I’m deeply relieved that neither of them cheated on the other because ugh–but the way it happened was so vague and dumb that I didn’t even realize they had officially broken up at first. I’d guess the majority of the Lydia/Stiles shippers didn’t care, but I–who have no preferred ship either way–was very disappointed by how this was handled.

Stiles

(First, I just wanted to mention that I’m glad Dylan O’Brien is apparently recovering after his accident on set of The Maze Runner: The Death Cure. You see a famous name trending on your social media of choice, and you’re like, “Oh God, did they say something horrific and offensive, or they did die?” Good to know neither is the case here, although it’s hard to know how serious his injuries are, since I keep seeing semi-conflicting reports.)

Now, here’s the thing: I really liked 5A, Season of Darkness and Despair, but even I was ready for a wee bit of optimism and happiness when 5B rolled around. What I did not want, however, was for them to drop Stiles’s anger issues and That Time He Accidentally Killed Somebody in Self-Defense like a hot potato covered in lava-salsa.

Once Scott and Stiles work out their big self-defense vs. murder misunderstanding, it’s like Donovan never even happened, which I find frustrating. I didn’t expect or want Stiles to go total Dark Side, like, I wasn’t waiting for a full reemergence of Void Stiles. But I did want it to come up occasionally; instead, everything Stiles does this season is mostly about Lydia, and I like Stiles and Lydia–they’re my favorite characters, after all–but I want more from both of them than just setup for their inevitable romance.

I do like the moment Stiles and the Sheriff have in the hospital morgue, and I’m excited by the idea of Stiles going into law enforcement because, HA, deputy uniform. (Although at some point, that means someone’s going to have to actually give him a gun, right?) But even that whole idea of saving a life to ease the guilt of taking one didn’t really pan out for me because, presumably, that life was supposed to be Lydia’s . . . and despite what Lydia tells her mom, he doesn’t really do all that much to help. (I’m not saying he does nothing, guys. But that whole “Stiles saved me” moment didn’t feel earned at all, considering he gets all the credit for what is clearly a team effort.)

Lydia

And Lydia. Oh my God, Lydia.

Look, Teen Wolf fans will take a lot of bullshit. Drill a hole in a banshee’s head that will cause her to scream so loud that anyone in her vicinity will also die? Sure, whatever. Stick some mistletoe in that hole and stop said Killer Scream? That’s . . . okay, that’s totally weird, but you know what, I’ll take it. It’s sort of nice that mistletoe is, for once, not a Weapon of Hallucinogenic Doom and Death on this show, and besides, Teen Wolf has done weirder things. (Although, honestly, probably not much weirder.)

What I won’t take, however, is never talking about it again, like, seriously, if Lydia tilts her head, does mistletoe just fall out? Or did the mistletoe somehow heal the hole so her cranium is fully intact now? Not to mention, WTF, is Lydia really back to school like nothing ever happened to her the next day? Like, okay, I get it: Holland Roden is really good at the hurt, semi-conscious waif thing, but I’m sure lots of people were ready to have the sharp, capable, and super fashionable badass version of Lydia back. I can totally relate to that.

But guys. You can’t just have a werewolf rip into a girl’s memories, causing her to become catatonic, before tossing her in the Worst Mental Hospital in the History of All Mental Hospitals where she gets–and I can’t stress this enough–fucking lobotomized, and then give us a perfectly composed Lydia back at school the next episode with absolutely no mention of her horrific time at Eichen House or the not insignificant fact that under all her fabulous hair there is still a huge mistletoe-stuffed hole in her head. I mean, there is bullshit, and then there’s BULLSHIT, you know?

Also, I felt like Lydia was going to have much more of a pivotal role than she actually did in the final battle. Like, I kind of enjoyed how she screamed Mason free–there was pretty much zero build up for that, but it’s the kind of surreal weirdness that I generally like from Teen Wolf–but still, that’s basically all she did. Mekaela thought she was going to channel Marie Jeanne to help kill the Beast, and I’ve got to tell you, that would have been fucking amazing. It probably doesn’t bother me quite as much as the lack of payoff with Parrish, but I was still hoping for more.

5. You know who else was massively disappointing? Theo’s entire chimera pack.

There’s an idea in here–somewhere–about Theo desperately wanting a pack of his own, but his insatiable lust for power means that he’s simply incapable of keeping one, either betraying or driving off everyone who’s at his side. Unfortunately, the execution of it is just all around awful.

For starters, 5B begins with all the resurrected chimeras acting like they Came Back Wrong; the show, however, never actually commits to whether or not they did come back wrong. There are a lot of ways this could have played out. Maybe the kids who have been dead the longest came back the most evil, which is why Tracy is acting absolutely nothing like herself and why Hayden and Cory are basically quasi-evil for, like, a second. Or maybe everyone came back wrong, but Hayden and Cory have heroic love interests anchors, so they overcome the darkness in their souls, while Tracy and Josh stick to the Dark Side because they’re single. Either theory could have potentially worked, but the show is much, much more interested in the Hellhound ineffectually chasing after the Beast of GÉVAUDAN than it is in the awesome evil chimera pack it created last season.

Thus basically all of the chimeras are screwed out of any sort of real character arc (or even logical continuity), especially Tracy, who was such an interesting character and had such goddamn potential, only to end up dead after a season of being a full-on evil, right hand man type for zero reason whatsoever. It’s crap. It’s such crap.

6. While we’re on the topic of Theo, that little shit . . .

. . . his death via his dead sister via Kira via the skin walkers was, let’s admit it, super random and WTF. But I’ve got to be honest: that’s the sort of WTF that I enjoy from Teen Wolf. Have vengeful ghosts ever been a thing before on this show? Nope. Was it a straight up knockoff of Japanese horror movies? Yep. Was it awesomely satisfying anyway? YES.

Partly, I imagine my vindictive glee stems from Teen Wolf continuing to have this weird resistance to killing off its villains. I’ve more or less made my peace with the fact that none of the good guys will ever intentionally kill any of the bad guys, but by the end of this season we still have Gerard Argent, Kate Argent, Peter Hale, and Deucalion (whose alliance with Scott here is very abrupt and probably only happened so that the writers could pretend letting him free in 3A wasn’t a giant mistake) all floating around. (Not to mention the Nazi Werewolf that’ll be coming to us in Season 6 for whatever the hell Nazi Werewolves get up to.) I didn’t really need to add Theo to the Ongoing List of Vaguely Circulating Villains, especially since his pack was the most interesting thing about him and, obviously, that’s no longer a thing.

Plus, yeah, it was nice to see Theo get a little karma after watching him manipulate, betray, or murder basically everyone he’s ever met for a full season. I make no apologies for my bloodlust.

I should add that the fake-out kill where Deucalion breaks Theo’s neck seemed a little weird to me, like, maybe that’s when Theo should’ve died after all? I sure thought he was dead until the commercials ended, and we came back to Theo all like, “Nope, I’m just casually chilling on the ground. It’s all good: I love having a broken neck.” Then again, if Theo had died there, Kira would have only triumphantly returned to open a door, so yeah, no.

I did read that–along with Nazi Werewolves–Season 6 is supposed to be a ghost story, which I’m wondering if this was all foreshadow for? I’m definitely interested in the idea of Teen Wolf telling a ghost story. (At the very least, I think we should probably have our characters acknowledge that hey, by the way, there apparently is definitely some kind of afterlife, although maybe not a pleasant one.) Sadly, that same interview also says not to rule out Cody Christian returning, you know, despite the fact that his character appeared to have been dragged to Hell. Sigh. Theo was not exactly the ghost I was hoping for.

7. Also something I’d like to be addressed in Season 6: um, do all the teenagers in Beacon Hills basically just know they’re living on a Hellmouth?

I MAY have blown my secret identity.

So, in one episode, the Beast of GÉVAUDAN attacks the holy hell out of a high school lacrosse game; surely, some characters actually do notice what’s chasing them. More importantly, though, several characters hiding in the library totally see Scott with Full Werewolf Face on. Are we going to go back to that? Because we should totally go back to that. (I’m all for a Buffy scenario myself, where we all know that Scott and his buddies are constantly saving the day but generally choose not to acknowledge it. Ooh, maybe Scott and his pack could get an award at Prom! You know, as an homage.)

8. Finally, here a bunch of random notes that don’t really connect to anything:

8A. Remember when we first met the skinwalkers, and we got that incredibly gratuitous shot of a woman’s butt? Yeah, let’s not do that anymore. (Seriously, I expect that shit from Game of Thrones, but not you, Teen Wolf! What the hell?)

8B. I would never pick on Teen Wolf for having crappy CGI monsters because I understand budgets and, honestly, crappy CGI monsters are half the fun. But I’m a little less forgiving of egregiously terrible green screens, particularly whenever the kids are in the desert. It’s so bad. It’s so, so appallingly bad. I don’t know if there are even words for how bad it is.

8C. Was I the only one who kind of completely forgot about the Power-Sucking Claws? They end up being pretty important, both instrumental to the plot and the only thing that really ties Malia’s story to what’s going on with the Dread Doctors, but by the time the claws reappeared in the finale, I was like, “Wait . . . what are those now?” (Maybe that’s why all the quickly revealed alliances felt so hysterically random to me. Scott’s like, “I’ve been working with Deucalion all along!” and I’m like, “Uh, you have?” And then Chris Argent’s immediately like, “Yeah, and I’ve been working with Scott against you, Dad!” and I’m like, “. . . whatever, sure.”)

8D. Teen Wolf has a lot of unintentionally hysterical moments, but I’m not sure any made me laugh harder this season than a hurt and naked Parrish just sitting in between the stacks at the high school library. Somehow, only Banshee Lydia is able to find him, despite the fact that the library is currently occupied by plenty of students and he’s really not hiding all that well. (Then again, I also have to take into consideration Marie Jeanne’s terrible French accent and that hilariously anachronistic cover of “Save Tonight.” Hmmm. I suspect Most Unintentionally Hilarious Moment is going to be a difficult choice to make in this year’s superlatives.)

8E. Speaking of cover songs, I really like this snippet we get to hear of Alex Clare’s “Blow Up the Outside World,” which plays at the end of “The Last Chimera.” Unfortunately, for whatever legal reason, I can neither buy nor listen to the song in full. I hate it when movies and TV shows do that. (Also, re-watching this scene reminds me of how excited I was when 5B first started. I’m trying to decide when the season really started falling apart for me, and I’m thinking it might have been around the halfway point, when they got Lydia out of Eichen House.)

8F. I laughed so hard when Corey revealed that he’d just been, like, standing invisibly against a wall the whole time during the big battle against the Beast of GÉVAUDAN, doing absolutely nothing at all to help and only revealing himself so that he could sorta-heroically catch his boyfriend.

Look, bravery’s not really my jam.

I will admit, I kind of like Corey. His plans to run away this season were practical, and I appreciated that. It’s good to have some less-than-fearless characters in the mix.

8G. I certainly like Corey more than Hayden, anyway.

It’s not necessarily the actress’s fault; the character is just so boring. I may have been frustrated with how the storylines of Lydia, Kira, and Malia all turned out, but at least they each seem like actual characters to me; Hayden, meanwhile, is basically just Liam’s love interest and nothing else, and that’s frustrating because I hate to spend any time on a character who basically does nothing but kiss a dude or think about kissing a dude.

The worst example of this, by far, is when the pack is infiltrating Eichen House to break Lydia out. It’s an action-heavy episode (actually, couple of episodes) that are mostly pretty fun . . . but the show needlessly breaks the tension so that Hayden and Liam can have sexy times. Like, why? Who cares about this?

8H. Lydia’s story may not have been as fully developed as I would have liked–I kind of groaned when she managed to get hurt again in 5×19–but I will say that the time she screamed so loud she blew up half of Valack’s head? Not gonna lie: that was pretty awesome.

In fact, since this review has been pretty negative overall, here are a few more scenes that I did really enjoy:

Malia & Braeden bribing that special forces dude.
Scott & Stiles working out their issues on the road trip.
Kira & Malia working together, both before and during Lydia’s rescue.
Basically any scene between Stiles and his father. As always.

8J. Finally, I was happy to see Coach Finstock again, that crazy, crazy man.

They may have more or less dropped the Not-So-Nice Science Teacher from the show–actually, they basically just dropped the entire idea of school from the show; it’s like Beacon Hills High is basically just a hallway, a library, and a lacrosse field–but it was nice to have Orny Adams back. Just like I appreciate a kid who wants to flee the evil, monstrous doctors who made him a chimera, I totally get a guy who never wants to go back to a job that got him shot with an arrow. Of course he could pick considerably less drastic escape options, like just, you know, moving away. But let’s be honest: what school other than Beacon Hills would ever let this guy teach anything? Yeah, none.

But Scott and Stiles, seriously, you guys have no excuse. Of course Coach was never going to forfeit the game. Of course he wasn’t. Honestly, I expect more from you two.

QUOTES:

Stiles: “Can someone please come and take this gigantic shard of glass out of my chest? Please?”

Scott: “It was Plan A.”
Stiles: “Plan A never works.”

Liam: “How do we get him to talk?”
Stiles: “Personally, I don’t think we utilize torture nearly enough.”

Finstock: “I hate charity games. They’re meaningless.”
Stiles: “Well, I don’t think the charities would agree.”
Finstock: “What’s it for this year?”
Scott: “Cancer.”
Finstock: “For or against?”
Stiles: “Against, Coach! Deeply against!”

Finstock: “That girl is damn serious about charity.”

Finstock: “I have a debilitating disease. It’s called ‘I’m not going to take another arrow to my stomach’ phobia.”

Kira: “Your sister wants to see you.”

Scott: “You didn’t see the way he came at me. You didn’t see the look in his eyes.”
Stiles: “Well, I’ve been with you on a full moon, so I’ve seen that look. You want to get the band back together, Scott, you don’t leave out the drummer.”

Stiles: “Are you telling me we came all the way down here to be stopped by an ordinary key?”

Kira: “You guys are all crazy. We’re gonna die.”

Theo: “Okay, maybe they’re not ready to take on an Alpha. Especially one that can smell fear.”
Corey: “He’s got fangs!”

Stiles: “I still hate that tattoo.”
Scott: “I know.”

Sheriff Stilinski: “Is that my laptop?”
Stiles: “Yep.”
Sheriff Stilinski: “You have my password?”
Stiles: “I have all your passwords.”

Scott: “Argent said it would be unlike anything we’d ever seen before.”
Stiles: “Did he say it was going to defy the laws of physics?”

Theo: “I still need to graduate.”
Stiles: “No, no, what you need is to be beaten, severely, with a lead pipe wrapped in barb wire.”
Theo: “Okay, I admit some mistakes were made.”
Stiles: “Murders. Some murders were made.”

Stiles: “Break it. Sound travels through the pipe . . . you’ll hear better, dumbass, break it.”

Liam: “I can’t just say I’m sorry. I feel like I have to do something, like maybe somehow I have to save your life.”
Scott: “Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure you’ll get the chance.”

Liam: “Is it bad?”
Hayden: “No.”
Stiles: “Very.”

Parrish: “I can’t stay. I’m a Hellhound. I have the word ‘hell’ in my name. Hell.”

Mason: “You’re still with Theo. You’re the bad guys.”
Corey: “There are no bad guys.”
Mason: “There are definitely bad guys. Some of the bad guys are called Dread Doctors. You don’t get a name like the Dread Doctors and not get classified as the bad guys.”

Scott: “I knew sooner or later one of us would get a little too much blood on our hands. I half-thought it was gonna be Malia.”

Braeden: “He tried to kill Scott.”
Theo: “Technically, I did kill Scott.”

Mason: “I’m sorry, but Theo leading an evil chimera pack wasn’t a natural progression of the conversation.”

Mason: “Okay, here we go. Gonna ram the wall. Gonna ram it with my car. Just smash through it. Take out the power, and save my friends. Here we go. All right. Just ram it, and destroy my beautiful car, that my parents bought me on my birthday . . . but Imma save my friends. Here we go. Ram the wall. All right.”
(Hayden shows up)
Hayden: “What the hell are you doing?”
Mason: “Oh thank God. Can we use your car?”

Liam: “Who’s the old guy?”
Gerard: “At the moment, they would call me a necessary evil. But you can call me Gerard.”

Parrish: “And what if you were wrong? You would have burned my eye out?”
Gerard: “Yep.”
Parrish (turning to Chris): “This guy’s your father?”
Chris: “Wasn’t my choice.”

Parrish: “Is the Sheriff on board with this?”
Stiles: “How do you think I got the keys?”
Parrish: “I thought you stole them.”
Stiles: “While that’s a perfectly reasonable assumption, I did not steal them.”

(with body bags nearby)
Liam: “Are you still mad at me?”
Melissa: “No. But if you try to kill my son again, I’ll put you in one of these myself.”

Stiles: “Your teachers, uh, gave us some of the stuff you guys have been working on. They wanted us to hold onto it for you. I saw something about the, uh, Riemann Hypothesis. Um, things like, nontrivial zeros, zeta functions, and a lot of other stuff that goes totally over my head. Maybe you can wake up and explain it to me? Come on, Lydia, you have to come back to us.”

Stiles: “What if I told you I wanted him dead?”
Sheriff Stilinski: “I’d believe you. I’d also believe that wanting someone dead and murdering them are two very different things.”

Sheriff Stilinski: “I would destroy every piece of evidence to protect you if I had to. I would burn the Sheriff’s station to the ground.”

Josh: “She doesn’t look good.”
Corey: “She has a hole in her head. It’s not a good look on anyone.”
Theo: “I can’t believe this is actually a medical establishment.”

Mason: “The last few hours haven’t been your best, but this isn’t the way to fix it. She’s going to find out, and it’s not going to hurt any less coming from you.”

Scott: “Come on, Stiles. We survived an alpha pack, a dark druid, professional assassins. We can survive Dread Doctors and chimeras, too.”

Malia: “Do it. Do your thing.
Kira: “What thing? I don’t have a thing.”
Malia: “You did it before. You had to learn how, right?
Kira: “Actually, no. It just happened.”
Malia: “How’d you learn to fight with a sword?”
Kira: “That just kind of happened, too.”
Malia: “So you’ve never worked for anything and basically you’re a cheater?”

Kira: “It didn’t work.”
(Malia pulls a shard of glass out of her forehead.)
Malia: “No. It didn’t.”

Stiles: “Did you say ‘minor internal’? Since when is anything internal minor?”

Malia: “We kind of broke up.”
Scott: “Yeah. We kind of broke up, too.”

Sheriff Stiliniski: “It’s okay, Stiles. You’ve still got me.”

CONCLUSIONS:

Here’s the thing: I’ve spent roughly 5,000 words complaining about 5B, but ultimately, I still enjoyed watching it. There are a lot of good moments I liked, multiple characters I’m still invested in, and it hasn’t become a chore to watch, not yet . . . but it’s worth pointing out that I wasn’t looking forward to each episode with the same fannish, obsessive glee that I have in the past, either.

Sometimes too slow, often too rushed, and with a lot of untapped potential, Season 5B might be Teen Wolf’s most uneven season yet.

MVP:

Hm. I think I’m going to go with Holland Roden, this time around. Lydia’s storyline might have fizzled out by the end, but the actress still does a great job with the material she’s given.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B-

MORALS:

If you know there’s a dangerous monster out there, one that’s killing people at night but living its life as an unwitting teenager by day, and you know that monster stepped in someone’s blood, getting blood on its normal human shoes–check all your freaking shoes.

Stop trusting Theo for anything.

I don’t care what’s wrong with you or your family members: NEVER ADMIT ANYONE TO EICHEN HOUSE, NOT FOR ANY GODDAMN REASON. (This is a massive fail season for Natalie Martin. She needs some serious redemption in Season 6.)

Okay. You’ve probably already read about 600 reviews of Daredevil since Season 2 aired, like, weeks ago, but guess what? Now you have mine! And mine is clearly the best because it comes with way more words and, like, a whole numbering system!

I’ve read a lot of wildly different opinions about this season, with some people praising the hell out of it and others calling it a sophomore slump. But while there are aspects I liked (the Punisher, for instance), I’ve got to be honest with you: this is not going to be one of the more positive reviews.

DISCLAIMER:

Sorry, guys, but this one comes with SPOILERS, since basically everything I want to talk about includes them. (This includes minor spoilers for Jessica Jones, as well.)

NOTES:

1. Daredevil, Season Two, starts pretty well for me.

In general, I enjoyed the first four-episode arc where Daredevil is hunting down the Punisher. There are some exceptions to that–the rooftop scene with Tied Up Daredevil comes with a few lines of pretty clunky dialogue that even the actors can’t quite manage to overcome–but the overall story works pretty well.

And just like basically every other review has said, Jon Bernthal is a godamn force. It’s not so surprising, really, at least, not if you’re a fan of The Walking Dead. Bernthal brings all the psychotic, violent intensity you’d expect from the dude who played Shane Walsh, but he really hits the emotional beats, too, like that monologue from “Penny and Dime,” I mean, Jesus. That’s the standout moment of the whole season, and he delivers it so, so well. I don’t really think that the Emmys are ever going to nominate anyone from a superhero show, especially one that aired so far from award season, but if anyone’s got a shot at Best Supporting, I suspect it would be Jon Bernthal.

2. Unfortunately, as soon as that arc wraps up, we introduce Elektra (Elodie Yung) . . .

. . . and, for me, the series never really recovers.

I want to be very clear here: absolutely none of my problems have anything to do with Yung’s performance. I quite liked her, actually; she was violent and funny and badass. I adored that moment where she and Daredevil kick some bad guy butt, and then she looks at Matt with this huge smile on her face and asks, “Hungry?” I also enjoyed many of her fight scenes, though I did sometimes feel that the show was giving her the Sonya Blade Treatment, where she fights off one bad guy while Matt fights off five. Super annoying.

But with Elektra comes many, many problems, my primary one being that Matt Murdock basically becomes a dick.

Oh, so alone and misunderstood.

So, this is my thing: team dynamics and found families are basically what I live for as both a fan and a writer. I don’t mind when my favorite characters are fighting–for Christ’s sake, my favorite episode from last season was probably “Nelson vs Murdock”–but I have to buy their reactions, why they’re fighting, or else I call bullshit. And I’m calling such serious bullshit on basically everything that happens between Foggy, Matt, and Karen past the fourth episode.

It goes like this: Matt persuades Foggy to take Frank Castle as a client, and then basically entirely ditches him throughout the trial because he’s too busy dealing with Elektra’s shit. Foggy is, pretty understandably, pissed off about the whole thing. Karen, too. And if I bought the necessity of Matt’s ditching them, that he tried and tried and couldn’t find a way to play both lawyer and vigilante crimefighter at the same time, then absolutely, I’d be on board.

But Matt really never seems to be trying all that hard, like he says sorry a few times, sure, but the show never bothers to spend much time on Matt trying to do his actual job, which, let’s be clear here, is hardly a series of menial and meaningless tasks. Matt’s a defense lawyer. He doesn’t do his job properly, his clients could die. Abandoning cases is pretty damn irresponsible, not to mention how it massively screws over his best friend and partner. We spent a huge chunk of last season establishing the epic bromance that is Matt Murdock and Foggy Nelson, only to have Matt screw him over here for . . . what exactly?

3. There are two basic motivations you can cite for Matt’s uncharacteristically shitty behavior:

A: Matt’s still so in love with Elektra that he gets completely wrapped up in her life and is willing to throw everything else away–his career, the past however many years at law school, the people who have mattered the most to him–to take care of/be with her.

B. The threat of The Hand is so dire that if Matt hadn’t skipped out on the crime fighting for a couple of days, the whole city would have burned to the ground or something.

I feel like the show is going for some mixture of the two; unfortunately, neither work well for me at all. I’ve never read Daredevil comics (only Alias, where Matt Murdock guest stars), but I do know that Elektra’s supposed to be the Big Love of his Life and all. Still, I expect the show to actually sell that to me, and they didn’t. The actors have perfectly decent chemistry with one another (certainly more chemistry than Matt and Karen, anyway), but the flashbacks don’t at all convince me that they share a bond so strong that Matt would be such a complete dick to Foggy and Karen. Matt and Elektra’s relationship here strikes me as a sad outline of an Epic Love Story.

And as far as The Hand goes . . . shit, Matt fucks up at court well before he knows that he’s fighting The Hand. He just thinks he’s fighting the Yakuza, and I’m not trying to say that the Yakuza aren’t important, but, like, they’re probably not plotting Imminent Demise for the Entire City, either. They’re bad guys, not supervillains, which means you totally have time to show up at court for your fucking opening statement. (Seriously, it’d be one thing if Matt had been late because he’d been shot or something, you know, like what happens at the end of 2×01. But it’s something else entirely that he just overslept.) And besides . . . what the hell was The Hand even doing, anyway? If I don’t understand what the villains are really up to by the end of the season, it’s hard for me to attribute any real importance to the hero’s actions in stopping them.

4. Seriously, almost everything about The Hand fails for me.

I’m a nerd. I like to think that’s apparent by now, and usually, I feel like I’m on board with a comic book movie or TV show being game enough to utilize some of the more “out there” elements of the original material. So when first season of Daredevil basically promised us crazy, mystical ninja wars in the future, I was all like, “Bring it, baby.”

But between The Hand’s evil and incredibly vague goals, the Chaste’s entirely silly ancient origin story, the Mysterious Chamber that was obviously some kind of resurrection chamber, and everyone urgently repeating the words “Black Sky” while refusing to actually develop the concept past Ultimate Living Weapon . . . it’s just all so bland, so generic. I didn’t actually think you could make ninjas boring, but somehow Season 2 managed to do just that for me. The only time I was really interested in The Hand was that cliffhanger when all the ninjas were awesomely invading the very same hospital that was currently housing Matt, Claire, and injured Foggy . . . only to be disappointed by how quickly that cliffhanger resolved.

I’m one of the rare people who was not a huge Wilson Fisk fan, but I’ve got to admit that he was a much more compelling villain for Daredevil than anyone in The Hand ever was, including Resurrected Nobu.

5. Speaking of Wilson Fisk, I was actually pretty happy with his surprise appearance. I didn’t think I would be–I thought the show really needed a Fisk-free season–but I didn’t see him coming, thought he worked pretty well in the story, and was happy he didn’t overstay his welcome, only appearing in a couple of episodes.

Still, I was basically legally obligated to mock Fisk’s speech patterns. I couldn’t help myself. He’s just SO. OVER. DRA-MA-TIC. IN EVERY. SINGLE. LIIINE.

(Also, a poll: who says Fisk is released from prison and outs Matt Murdock as Daredevil next season? Yeah, good going, hero. Way to piss off your enemies and get your ass handed to you for absolutely zero return. Meanwhile, how Matt’s face seems basically untouched after that incident, but Frank Castle’s face is more bruise than skin by the end of the season is beyond me. Meditation really works wonders, I guess?)

6. But back to the dissolution of Nelson & Murdock: one of my other problems with this storyline is that I’m not sure it feels like a second season story to me.

Wait, we’re breaking up already?

In the first season, Matt keeps everyone at arm’s length, and Nelson & Murdock almost closes its doors when Foggy finds out about Matt’s secret nighttime activities. By the end of the season, however, the BFFs find a way to move forward, and the doors stay open, with their symbolic Nelson & Murdock sign hanging up out front. The whole season is really about Matt learning that he doesn’t have to go it alone to be a hero.

Season 2, meanwhile, is like, “Fuck you, we’re going to literally forget ALL that shit in, like, two weeks.”

(Disclaimer: I actually have no idea how much time Season 2 is supposed to cover. But it certainly doesn’t feel like it’s very long.)

In an expanding universe, the loss of Nelson & Murdock makes sense and, actually, is a pretty interesting shake-up. I’m excited by the idea of Foggy working with Jeri Hogarth, and I adore Karen as an investigative journalist. (More on that in a bit.) Even the idea of Matt giving up his job to be a full-time vigilante (I guess?) is kind of neat. Admittedly, I have zero idea how he plans to pay the rent, but regardless, each are going after truth, justice, and the American Way in their own method, and I like that.

But the disbanding of a team is a lot more powerful when we actually get to see the team in action, and the thing about Nelson & Murdock is that they are a brand new firm in the first season. Karen is their first client (who quickly becomes their first and only employee) and they really only have the one case. (I guess technically they have three, but each revolves around Wilson Fisk, so it really feels like one.) In second season, enough time has passed that their waiting rooms are practically bursting with clients, but as we never get to see any of those cases, The Defense of Frank Castle really feels like it’s only their second actual job. And we barely get to see the time that’s past with our heroes hanging out after hours, living it up at Josie’s bar–sure, we get a few pictures to symbolize those Happy Times. But that’s not the same thing as watching the scenes ourselves.

If you think of Daredevil like a romance–just go with it–the first season is like the setup; it’s the first date, the potential of a great relationship. You’d think second season would be about the relationship itself, but instead we go straight to the Big Breakup, and I think that’s kind of a shame. It’d be much more compelling, natural, and heartbreaking to see the team split after a full season of them actually working together, settling into a groove, and really becoming that found family they began in Season 1. It would also give the show a lot more time to really emphasize how Matt’s struggling between his two jobs, like, it’s not enough for me to have someone throw out an Edna St. Vincent Millay reference, you know? I want to actually see the guy burning his candle at both ends, not just be a vaguely apologetic dick about it. (In a similar vein, I really wanted to like that scene where Matt’s all, “I’m done apologizing for being a vigilante. This is who I am” or whatever. I did like it, actually, out of context. In context, though, I’m like, “You don’t need to apology for being a vigilante, Matt. You need to apologize for being a terrible fucking lawyer and friend.”)

7. And speaking of relationships . . . everyone agrees that Matt and Karen are the most boring couple ever, right? I mean, I like both actors. Their scenes together as friends are fine. But their relationship stuff in the first four episodes? Massive yawn.

But then, oh my friends, then a new ship was born.

Punisher & Page, you guys. I wasn’t expecting it, but suddenly, there it was. I absolutely ship Punisher & Page. (Just pretend that’s Frank’s hand.)

Well. Except for this one diner scene towards the end of the season. The two are sitting at this table, right, and Frank’s like, “It’s obvious you and Matt are hot for each other,” and Karen’s like, “Yeah, well, Matt hurts people,” and Frank’s like, “Suck it up, Princess. Love ain’t love unless you’re hurting the other person,” and I’m like, “Oh my God, fuck you very much.” I mean, seriously. Karen’s whole “Matt hurts people” thing is a bit of a melodramatic reach, but Frank’s “I know absolutely nothing about your relationship, but I’ll just ignore the very real possibility that you’re referencing physical or emotional abuse, because hey, my wife was murdered, so I get to be authority on the heart and tell you all about my Love is Pain bullshit philosophy?” UGH.

Other than that unfortunate scene, though, I love these two. They have chemistry like whoa. It’s gotta be at least 1000 times more chemistry than Matt and Karen have.

8. Karen’s actually pretty awesome all around this season.

Admittedly, I liked her last season, too, when it seems that most people didn’t. (Well. I did hate that awkward ass scene with her asking Foggy to fake-blind feel up her face. But other than that.) This season, though, Karen especially came into her own. Her stuff with Frank was great, not just because of the actors’ natural chemistry, but because Karen’s connection to him is clearly fueled by both her own guilt over killing Wesley (which I can’t believe she hasn’t told anyone about yet) and whatever her secret hometown history is. And I adored her turn as an investigative journalist; she and editor Ellison (Geoffrey Cantor) were just great on screen together. I would happily watch more of them; hell, I could probably watch a spinoff series or movie about Karen Page, Intrepid Reporter.

I will say, though, that by the end of the season, Karen’s in danger just a few too many times for my liking. I’m not convinced she needed to be taken hostage by Clancy Brown OR kidnapped by The Hand, let alone both. They could ease up a little on the damsel shit in the next season, that’s all I’m saying. Not that she can’t ever be in danger, just, you know. Space that shit out, Jesus.

Also, just because I can’t help myself: determination, grit, and awesome research skills do not necessary a great writer make. I’m not a journalist. I’m not an editor. There’s a lot I don’t know about that particular industry, but I still feel like I might have asked for a writing sample before I hired someone on at my paper, no matter how much zeal for the truth this plucky young thing displayed. (And, okay, did anyone else think her writing was actually kind of awful? Ellison’s all like, “You have to write your own truth,” which is fine, but her truth turns out to be some vague nonsense about how everyone in Hell’s Kitchen is a hero, and I’m just like . . . okay, this seems pretty trite, but worse, uh, it’s kind of not news? I know, I know, Ellison’s saying she has to do more than just deliver already reported facts; she has to tell them something new. But what she says doesn’t sound like anything new or exciting to me. It sounds like a bad self help book.)

9. And as far as Claire goes, well. It is always, always a treat to see Rosario Dawson, and I pretty much continue to have my epic girl crush on Claire. But a lot of her stuff with Matt feels like forced angst bullshit to me, because it seemed that they were actually on much worse terms here than how I remembered them leaving things last season. Like, there was some tension at the end of first season, sure, but I guess I wasn’t expecting full-on Angry Ex-Girlfriend, maybe because she seemed pretty casual when she talked about Daredevil in her Jessica Jones cameo? It wasn’t awful; it just felt artificial, like we’re really pounding in that whole ‘Matt has no one who gets him, boo hoo’ thing. I found it disappointing.

On the upside, though, I was really happy with Claire’s own mini-arc, that she’d been in trouble for helping out Jessica Jones, and now after The Ninja Adventures, she’s out of a job and, presumably, going to open up her own clinic? Oh my God, I know it won’t ever happen, but I would watch the HELL out of that show. Like, I’d way rather see that than Karen Page, Intrepid Reporter, and I could totally genuinely watch Karen Page, Intrepid Reporter, you know?

10. Finally, let’s end on a series of more random mini-notes:

10A. Despite all the bullshit angst that I didn’t buy, Foggy had some very nice moments this season.

Anytime Foggy gets to be the Surprising Badass, I’m pretty happy. The scenes where he nailed the opening statement or faced down the DA, those were awesome. I’m sure I’ve said this before, but I really think Elden Henson was well-cast, and I need more scenes between him and Carrie-Anne Moss, not to mention Foggy and Jessica Jones. ZOMG, that needs to happen.

10B. One thing I forgot to mention before about Elektra was that her whole redemption arc, or whatever, seemed pretty wonky. I was okay with Sociopathic Socialite Elektra and I was pretty into Homicidal Ninja Elektra, but then Matt gives one or two “killing is wrong, and you don’t have to be this way” speeches, and suddenly Elektra’s all, “Actually, I don’t want to be this way; I can be like Matt and do things HIS way!” and I’m like bleh. And that lasts, what? Maybe an episode before Elektra’s like, “I am who I am, Matt! I’m meant to be a killer!” The whole thing feels super wishy-washy and cliché to me, and that’s not even including the whole Black Sky thing (which totally doesn’t help) or how she predictably makes the Sacrifice Play at the end.

10C. I was disappointed that we barely spent any time with Father Lantom this season.

Last year he was such a big deal, and I enjoyed his and Matt’s confessions/lattes. This season, he’s in, what, one episode? It’s not a huge problem, but it did bum me out.

10D. The fight scenes were pretty fantastic once again. It’s hard, too, because after the amazing fight scenes last year (especially the Hallway Fight Scene), you can basically just feel the choreographers thinking, “Well, shit, how are we supposed to one-up that?” Especially because they’ve lost any element of surprise–people watching Daredevil now expect those amazing fight scenes.

Regardless, I still enjoyed all the fight choreography. At present, the scenes that stand out to me the most are a) the first Punisher vs Daredevil fight, and b) the Big Stairwell Scene. The Big Stairwell Scene had maybe a tiny whiff of that “need-to-one-up-last-season” desperation, but I can’t deny that it was still pretty cool.

10E. I will never, ever complain about seeing Clancy Brown because I absolutely adore that guy and his gloriously deep voice . . . but . . . couldn’t we have saved him for a slightly more important part? The whole thing with the Blacksmith felt a little mishandled. It wasn’t a big problem for me, but he also didn’t feel super necessary to the story, and when you’ve got Clancy Motherfucking Brown at your disposal, you know, give him something to do, right? I mean, did you see that guy playing an evil military dude being mind-controlled by a telepathic gorilla? I know that sounds like a joke, but he was fucking amazeballs.

10F. I’m not always a huge fan of courtroom stuff. Sometimes, I enjoy it, but other times times the anticipation of waiting for the proverbial rug to get pulled out from under our heroes’ feet doesn’t do much for me. So as a general rule, I’m much more interested in watching Matt, Foggy, and Karen work behind the scenes than in court . . . but still, for something that’s called the Trial of the Century, you’d think it’d feel bigger, right? I was a little underwhelmed by the whole thing.

10G. Speaking of the trial . . . I’m utterly confused on why Matt and Foggy wanted to go with a ‘battle fatigue’ version of PTSD for their defense, when they could have just as easily argued that Frank was suffering from, you know, general PTSD from the holy shit traumatic event of watching your family get murdered in front of you before getting shot in the head. Like, what? I know it’s a condition we most often associate with soldiers, but uh, it’s not actually Post War Traumatic Stress Disorder. Trauma and stress are kinda widespread. Lots of people who aren’t soldiers have PTSD. For instance, like people WHOSE FAMILIES GET MURDERED IN FRONT OF THEM AND THEN GET SHOT IN THE HEAD. For Christ’s sake, show.

10H. All TV programs should use the Yeah Yeah Yeahs at some point in their show. I approve, Daredevil. I approve.

10I. Finally, the big cliffhanger where Matt reveals his secret identity to Karen? I want to be interested, I really do, but right now, with the way Matt’s acted the whole season . . . I just can’t seem to bring myself to care. Um. Maybe next season I’ll give a shit?

QUOTES:

Cop: “It’s going to take weeks to process this shit! And where is this asshole’s hand?”

Grotto: “You gotta run home now. You ain’t got the balls for what’s coming.”
Karen: “Slide into bed, sweetheart, and settle in. Because I am the best chance you’ve got in the world right now.”

Matt: “There’s no need to worry.”
Karen: “Yeah, you know that doesn’t help, right?”

Matt: “Could I get some aspirin?”
Foggy: “You sure you don’t want an x-ray? Maybe a psych eval?”
Matt: “An x-ray’s fine, buddy.”

Daredevil: “You know you’re not the only one, right? Who did you lose? Huh? Was it someone you loved? Well, boo-hoo. Let me tell you something, buddy: everybody’s lost someone. Doesn’t mean you have to do this.”

Punisher: “You see, the whole time you’re thinking you’re gonna be scared, right? But then, you’re not. See, that part of it was always easy for me. Killing. Even watching my buddies die, it just didn’t mean nothing. The first time I got scared was on a plane on the way home. I kept thinking God was gonna pull the rug out from under us, you know? Shit, that’s his kind of funny, you know.”

Wilson Fisk: “The physician says that your condition is grave, that your lungs are filling with liquid. In a few hours you’ll likely suffocate on your own blood. But you won’t suffer alone. I’ll be here. Because you were right. In prison, there’s only room for one kingpin.”

Father Lantom: “We rush to say one life’s gone, but each of us is a world. And today, a world has been lost.”

Ellison: “Ben was a real pain in my ass. So it follows his friends would be too.”

Daredevil: “No killing.”
Punisher: “Altar Boy.”

Matt: “Did you go back to the gym?”
Foggy: “Hell no. Do I look capable of making healthy life choices?”

Matt: “It’s not underwear, Foggy. Underwear is comfortable.”

CONCLUSIONS:

So, yeah. Season 2 worked for a lot of people, but clearly it didn’t work for me. There were things I enjoyed about it, and I acknowledge that high expectations play a role, but if you can’t sell me on character motivation (particularly when they’re characters I like inexplicably doing stupid shit), well, you lose me. Not to mention I think the story just had structural and coherency issues in general.

MVP:

Think it has to be Jon Bernthal this time around. But Deborah Ann Woll was a close second.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B-

MORAL:

I don’t know. Be who you were meant to be? Bromances are easily broken? Killing is wrong, except for when it’s not? Seriously, I know the guy has a tendency to come back to life and all, but for a dude who loves talking about how killing is wrong, Matt sure doesn’t seem to have any big regrets about flipping Nobu over the side of a roof.

It’s that time again. We have some finales to discuss: some of them good, some of them bad, most of them with zombies. SPOILERS abound.

iZombie

All in all, both “Dead Beat” and “Salivation Army” were pretty damn awesome. I struggled at the beginning of this season with Major’s “Chaos Killer” storyline, but by the end, the show really managed to sell me on it, and it’s impressive just how much iZombie managed to pack into two hours, especially since the CW cut its initial episode order from 22 to 19.

There were exciting reveals and developments all over the place. Liv telling Clive that she was a zombie was great. I really loved both his reaction to her seeming-crazy and her no-nonsense approach when he (quite naturally) didn’t believe her. (I hate it when people insist on trying to verbally explain the supernatural when visuals are both faster and far more effective.) The mass zombie outbreak at the concert was great too; also, Rob Thomas. My inner 13-year-old Matchbox 20 fan weeps at his demise. My inner amateur TV critic figured he’d be eaten by zombies since hearing the casting announcement and is still cracking up about it. Also, as a huge Ravi fan, I really loved the scene where he accidentally kills the mercenary dude in self-defense, and particularly how shaken he is afterwards. You know, as one might be. I suspect the show will never go back to this again, but they really should. More Ravi in Season 3!

I do have some problems with the second hour of the finale, though, mostly in how Peyton, Blaine, and Ravi’s story felt way out of balance to me with all the exciting zombie stuff going on at Max Rager. Over there, all sorts of things were happening: Vaughn died, Gilda/Rita died, Liv was forced to kill Drake in order to save Clive, and we found out that there are zombies in charge who are looking to make Seattle Zombie City. Meanwhile, Peyton was pretty much only kidnapped so that Blaine could rescue her and we could initiate a love triangle between them and Ravi? Nope, not interested, not even a little bit interested. Both Ravi and Peyton deserve to have bigger storylines than some BS love triangle with the Charming Antichrist. (I mean, I love Blaine. David Anders is freaking amazing . . . but come on. Does anyone actually want to see this nonsense?)

And Blaine, himself, really threw me this episode too. There’s been a lot of back and forth on whether or not he’s faking the amnesia, and the way he’s been portraying it for the last few episodes, all Helpless Baby Duck, I really could have gone either way. But in this last hour he seemed wildly different to me in how he interacted with others, particularly Ravi, so I automatically assumed he’d either regained his memories or was just dropping the act entirely . . . but then neither of those things happened, and there was zero resolution on the efficacy of the cure, much less the fact that Major hasn’t taken it yet. It felt off.

Still, I had a great time with these last two episodes. I’ve been kind of bummed lately about my disappointment in shows and movies that used to be jam, but I am SO into iZombie right now. It’s funny as hell, doing some really exciting stuff, and only improving with time. I cannot wait until it comes back next season.

FINALE GRADE: A-
SEASON GRADE: A

Hap & Leonard

This one was interesting. Episode 5 ended on a cliffhanger when Trudy drove away, leaving Hap and Leonard to die at the hands of Soldier. I suspected that Trudy would go back for them and die for it (though wasn’t sure, because she dies differently in the novel), but I thought the shoot-out would take the majority of the episode. Surprisingly, though, both Soldier and the previously-assumed dead Angel were taken out much earlier than I’d anticipated, and the rest of the finale was all about the emotional fallout. It was unusual, but I didn’t mind it. Actually, I mostly enjoyed it. The only thing I didn’t like was the vision/dream/hallucination of Hippie Trudy going into the Light. That kind of thing can be done well, but here it just felt like a boring cliche.

Still, I enjoyed this. James Purefoy and Michael Kenneth Williams are a lot of fun to watch. I was happy that we finally got to see the full flashback of what happened to their fathers, and I was definitely interested in the tease of next season’s mystery, assuming the show comes back for a second season. I hope it does. I don’t love Hap & Leonard with all my geek heart (and sometimes it’s definitely uncomfortable to watch, like the flashback to the blackface comedy show Hap and his father were watching, God), but I do enjoy it and I’m curious to see where they go next.

FINALE GRADE: B+
SEASON GRADE: B

The Walking Dead

So, I wasn’t a fan of this. At all. I wasn’t nearly as angry about the cliffhanger as other people were, but I suspect that has more to do with the fact that I’m just not that invested in the show anymore than because people are overreacting. I absolutely agree with them: the cliffhanger is bad.

Cliffhangers can be really effective when handled right, but this isn’t the way to do it. The show’s been pretty much teasing all season that one of our heroes is gonna die and gonna die badly. This is especially true if you follow any news about the show, know anything about the comic, or listen to interviews with the actors, who repeatedly promised the episode’s heartbreak and gruesome cruelty . . . only to not deliver on it in the slightest. Cliffhangers work best, I think, when you’re not expecting them at all, when you don’t know anyone’s going to die, much less who. But here we all already knew that someone was going to be murdered and that Negan would be the one to do it. So instead of hooking fans, The Walking Dead mostly just pissed them off because it didn’t feel shocking. It felt like a broken promise.

Negan, himself, was pretty great, though. Jeffrey Dean Morgan sure seemed like he was having a good time; perhaps he, too, was hoping to appear earlier in the season and was just like, “Sweet Jesus, FINALLY!” And for however much I haven’t bought Rick’s insane faith and overconfidence that his people can survive anything, I will say that Andrew Lincoln acts the holy hell out of that last scene. The despair and terror is all over his face, the knowledge that he was completely and utterly wrong. This death is going to break him. I just wish I cared.

But I don’t really. I am bored of Rick’s wildly swinging morality pendulum. I’m bored that the show can’t seem to figure out how to tell a new story. I was so happy when we first discovered Hilltop because I thought the whole world of The Walking Dead was opening up, and that was HUGE. Instead, the show just went back to same, tired ground, eschewing exciting world building in favor of the same old morality play, only now nearly everyone was acting like a complete moron purely to serve the plot. The conveniences in this season are ridiculous. Between the very abrupt food shortage, the decision to murder a bunch of dangerous people without doing adequate research, Carol abandoning the group because she can’t kill anymore (even though she pretty much immediately kills people after leaving), Denise’s sudden reckless streak, Daryl’s abrupt quest for revenge, and Maggie’s incredibly sudden miscarriage/pregnancy sickness . . . it all just feels really, really contrived to me. And I like Maggie, I do, but maybe we shouldn’t send ALL the best remaining warriors out with her in the RV, leaving the entire community in the hands of Father Fucking Gabriel? (Come on, show. It’s cool if you want to make him a redemptive character, but, like, you have to actually spend some time redeeming him first. The season premiere is not nearly strong enough to do that. In what world does Crazy Ass Rick trust Baby Judith and all his people to Father Gabriel’s protection?) Maybe they’ll all be dead when the show returns because of Rick’s poor decision making. Enid will, anyway, although that one’s because of Carl’s poor decision making. Carl, you’re an awful human being. I hope someone decides to protect you by locking you in a closet without food, water, or telling anyone what you’ve done.

ALSO, Carol and Morgan’s stuff felt disjointed and broke up the tension of the group trying to get to Hilltop. I think it would have worked better in its own episode. I certainly don’t think the finale needed to be 90-minutes long.

I’ve had problems with The Walking Dead all season and have been very much teetering on the edge of giving up the show entirely. This episode, unfortunately, did not convince me that I should continue. My friend Marisa plans to browbeat me into doing so, and I may attempt some sort of negotiation (recently, we traded shows: I made her watch the first season of Orphan Black, and she made me watch the first season of Girls), but . . . I don’t know. It’s been a while since I actively looked forward to watching The Walking Dead. The only person I’m particularly interested in seeing die is Rick, but unfortunately, he and Future Serial Killer Carl are the only ones who are safe. If Glenn dies, I walk. If Daryl, Maggie, or Michonne dies, I’m incredibly bummed and consider walking . . . because when you’re already not feeling a show, you kind of need every character you enjoy to live. Then again if anyone else dies, I just don’t care. (Actually, I’d feel bad for Rosita, too, but that’s mostly because they’ve yet to give the actress anything to do, other than react to Abraham’s needlessly brutal breakup.) While I’m incredibly relieved that Carol, at least, won’t die this way (because I was prepared to have serious problems with a past victim of domestic abuse dying from being beaten to death with a baseball bat), I just don’t know what the show could possibly do to win me back at this point.

FINALE GRADE: C
SEASON GRADE: C

I’ve just been awful at keeping up with/updating TV stuff on this blog lately. I won’t be able to discuss the season finale of The 100, for instance, because I’m still three episodes behind. And Supergirl: how did I not write up something on Supergirl and its take-a-shot-every-time-someone-says-hope-but-not-really-because-then-you’d-be-dead finale? I am happy that the show got renewed, because there’s a lot to like and the potential is there (except . . . except . . . I NEED Cat Grant, like, ALL THE TIME, damn it, CW), but I also often find it vastly underwhelming, too. And that finale sort of summed up a lot of my problems with the show itself.

But Supergirl was weeks and weeks ago now. Let us discuss more recent (or recent-ish) TV events, many of which I found, well. Not entirely up to snuff.

SPOILERS AHOY, MATEY. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

Agents of Shield

So, this wasn’t bad–it definitely had some fun moments–but it also wasn’t nearly as explosive (figuratively, anyway) and awesome as last year’s finale. I feel like the last few minutes were supposed to have me going, “Wait, WHAT? OMG, what’s happened in six months?” But my reaction was more like: “Huh. That’s kind of interesting, I guess.”

I think I found the finale slightly underwhelming for a few different reasons. One of the big ones, I’m sure, is because I was actively voting for Lincoln to die for most of the year. The idea of his arc (with him essentially using his love for Daisy as just another drug to fill the hole that Afterlife–and alcohol–could no longer fill) might have worked for me if I thought it had played that way throughout; unfortunately, that idea felt tacked on too little and too late for my liking. Daisy and Lincoln’s romance felt incredibly rushed and did absolutely nothing for me at all, so while the actors sold it as best they could in their faux Captain America/Peggy Carter (or George Kirk/Winona Kirk) scene, I really could only feel relief that Lincoln was dying instead of anyone I actually cared about. (Especially Mack, Elena, or Fitz, who seemed to be the other frontrunners for the chopping block.) I did have fun watching the Cross of DOOM shell game, and the show did successfully manage to make it seem like multiple characters were in danger of dying (which is always a plus), but once we figured out that Lincoln was the true sacrifice, my sister and I literally high-fived. I suspect that was not the emotion the show runners were going for.

Also, Hive was an okay villain, but I don’t think he was used to his full potential. Overloading his brain so that all his swallowed souls, so to speak, started talking at once was pretty awesome . . . but it would have been a lot more awesome if we’d gotten more glimpses of the people he used to be throughout the back half of the season. Hive was at his most intriguing during the Powers Boothe flashback episode, when you really saw Nathaniel Malick’s wrath and sense of betrayal shine through Hive. That was fascinating . . . but then the show really never capitalized on that, preferring to keep him that blank-faced supposed-savior-of-all-mankind villain, which, bleh. This seems like it might finally be the actual end of Brett Dalton’s career on Agents of SHIELD, and while I definitely think it’s time, I’m still a little sad to see him go.

On the upside:

Solid action and fight scenes. Humor, too. The episode was totally entertaining, even if it didn’t fully resonate with me emotionally the way I wanted it to.

Mack and Elena are the best. I ship them more than anyone else on the show. They must never die.

Fitz killing Giyera? BADASS.

I’m pretty glad John Hannah’s character didn’t bite it. I found him pretty delightful during this episode. Untrustworthy, sure, but delightful . . . which, come to think of it, is pretty much John Hannah’s acting MO, isn’t it? Anyway, “I can tell by your mustache” and “science hunch” and the whole scene with him and Coulson’s hand . . . I’m just saying, this guy can stick around. (Annoying Fire Boy, however, cannot. Did he die? I honestly don’t remember now. Hopefully he died.)

Daisy’s new look in the flash forward? I’M INTO IT.

Coulson with the Star Wars reference FTW.

FINALE GRADE: B+
SEASON GRADE: B

Elementary

So, that was disappointing.

I’ve been really into this season so far–Joan and Sherlock continue to have the most amazing relationship, and overplayed as daddy issues are, I’ll admit I’m something of a sucker for them, especially when you have actors like Jonny Lee Miller and John Noble squaring off against one another. I have been looking forward to watching Elementary all week every week . . . but this episode, unfortunately, was pretty underwhelming. I did like the discovery that Holmes Senior was originally targeted because of his potential candidacy to lead Moriarty’s Shadow Organization, and I also loved the moment where Joan matter-of-factly dismisses Sherlock’s silly attempts at disbanding their partnership out of fear for her safety. Joan has no time for that bullshit because she is, forever, the best.

But for some reason, Holmes Senior accepting the offer and becoming New Moriarty didn’t feel very exciting, maybe because it didn’t seem so much like an interesting story development (will Sherlock and Morland be actual enemies now, etc.) but rather a convenient way to get John Noble off the show after a one-season contract. The twist that he had accepted the offer seemed pretty obvious to me, so the episode’s attempt at fake-out death tension fell flat. And I’d kind of hoped for Joan to have more to do. I know the show’s been sort of flirting with her dark side all season, but the fact that she was so quickly on board with Sherlock’s plan to frame Tony Curran seemed really weird to me. At the very least, I feel like there should have been a discussion.

Of course, one poor finale won’t stop me from continuing on next season. A lot of shows really seem to struggle around Season 4, but Elementary wasn’t one of them, at least, not for me. This was probably my favorite season since Season 1, actually. But I’ll admit to hoping for a few things for Season 5:

A)  A bigger story arc for Joan.

B) A little more time with Sherlock’s recovery, since that was weirdly waved away this season.

C.) More time with Gregson and Bell, who deserve so much more screen time than they get.

D) More Alfredo. Only one episode, guys? This is unacceptable.

It would also be nice if the show would move back to Thursdays, since I work every Sunday night and have to wait until the following day to watch it . . . but, sadly, this seems almost as unlikely as Aidan Quinn and Jon Michael Hill having more screentime.

FINALE GRADE: C+
SEASON GRADE: A-

Legends of Tomorrow

Also underwhelming. But unlike Elementary, that’s been pretty par for the course all season with Legends, a show that has squandered an unbelievable amount of potential and goodwill. The team dynamic has lurched inconsistently all over the place. The supposed grand epic romance (and the half-assed love triangle it became) failed on a massive scale, and Vandal Savage ended up being the most lackluster TV villain I’ve seen in some time, like, I preferred Ra’s Al Ghul to him. Do you know how much I didn’t like Ra’s Al Ghul? A LOT, people. A lot.

Thankfully, Vandal was finally killed (three times, even). His death(s) were as anticlimactic as everything else about him, though. And though everyone has said, repeatedly, ALL SEASON, that only Kendra or Carter could kill Vandal . . . well, they changed that at the last minute, and in the end, neither of them struck the killing blow. I mean, Kendra, kind of. But then Rip, like, really killed him, and I know Rip had to have his revenge and all, but come on, dudes: there were three different Vandals to choose from. Why didn’t Kendra kill one, Carter kill the second, and Rip kill the third?

Also, Rip’s whole plan to fly his time ship into the sun is all very noble . . . until you realize that he never asked Gideon’s opinion on the matter. Seriously, here I am, sitting on my couch and watching Rip bravely stare into the sun, and I’m like, “Uh, Rip? Did you happen to run your suicide mission by the AI who, not coincidentally, will also die if you go through with this?” Well, apparently not: Gideon finally mentions that she’s not ready to buy the farm, and while Rip agrees–because he’s regained the Will to Live after a vision of hugging it out with his dead fam–that’s kind of not the point. Rip, you’re an asshole.

I feel it’s worth mentioning that for a show about time travel, Legends of Tomorrow is pretty terrible about setting things up. Like is it neat that Firestorm can transmute objects? Sure! Should that exciting new power have happened at least once before the season finale when it was urgently needed to help save the day? Probably! And if that one soldier dude’s helmet has been displayed prominently or discussed on the show before, that’s great . . . but I can’t say I remember it, and I sure don’t remember a previous explanation on how shifts in time can change where an object is stored in a room. On Legends, things never seem to exist until the show needs them too, and that’s a problem for me. (Also, Kendra totally got that soldier killed. Kendra, you’re an asshole too.)

Let’s see, what else . . . well, on the upside, Sara Lance finally found out what happened to her sister. (And we found out what Lance was up to in the Arrow Cave Wednesday night! I’m actually glad about that–I thought it was totally weird how he just dropped out of the episode.) Admittedly, I’m glad Sara is sticking around because she’s easily one of the best things this show has going for it (her delivery of “a time master is never late” was badass, just like Gandalf, if Gandalf also happened to be in the League of Assassins . . . ooh, fanfiction), but I totally don’t buy that she’d choose to leave before Damien Darhk was handled. If there had been some kind of imminent crisis, sure, but seriously: a non-urgent job dealing with time travel couldn’t wait a week? Screw you, show. You’re a liar.

Also, it appears that Carter and Kendra might be gone for good?! Or, at the very least, won’t be on the team permanently anymore? YES. YES YES YES YES YES YES. Mekaela and I have been praying for this for weeks. They are the worst. They are the worst ever. Unfortunately, Snart is still currently dead and that’s depressing, because I have fully come around on Wentworth Miller’s ridiculous Drawl of Evil, and I miss him already. (I’ve read that he’s going to come back in some capacity, though, so maybe Rory will keep coming back to the bar for random chats, or maybe we’ll figure out some way to save him, the way time travel has entirely failed to save anyone else the crew cares about.)

Small bright spots aside, this was an anticlimactic finale, and the show has some serious, serious kinks to work out before next season. If Legends wasn’t connected to the other CW superhero shows, I’d have dumped it by now, and even then . . . I’m still considering it. Even Victor Garber might not be enough to save this thing. That’s pretty bad.

FINALE GRADE: C-
SEASON GRADE: C

Another week of Season Finales, this time all from CW shows. And maybe I’m just being an incredibly cranky bastard lately, but I really only liked one of them. Again! Come on, finales, stop letting me down!

As always, SPOILERS, SPOILERS EVERYWHERE.

The 100

The 100 had a problematic third season: sometimes exciting, sometimes infuriating. I’d had doubts that Jaha’s subplot was ever going to pay off, but boy, did it ever: I loved almost everything about the AI storyline. I was less enthused, unfortunately, with the first half of the season; which means pretty much anything Pike brought to the table. My most serious Season 3 complaint was not Lexa’s death, but Bellamy’s OOC choice to participate in the grounder massacre. The 100’s MO has always been characters making hard choices, and I like that they sometimes make the wrong ones. But I still have to buy the choices, and I just never quite did with Bellamy. The 100 fumbled this execution almost as badly as they fumbled Finn in Season 2, and I find I’m even less willing to forgive them this time around.

Still, the finale itself was enjoyable. I always figured one of our main players would end up putting the chip in their head, and I’ll admit, I really wanted that person to be Raven. (Because she’s the best, and also because I was always bummed they never really went anywhere with the fact that Raven was the only person who could throw off ALIE, at least initially.) Clarke, sadly, was the incredibly obvious choice. I was way more interested when she was just the ‘flame keeper,’ not ‘temporary inheritor of the flame.’ Still, her taking the chip meant we got a better sendoff for Lexa, and while Lexa’s death didn’t personally trouble me to the extent it angered much of the fanbase, it was still really nice to see her return, kicking all kinds of ass. Damn you, Walking Dead spin-off, for taking Lexa away from us.

Other random notes:

A. Oh, Paige Turco, don’t make me tear up. Come on, don’t . . . damn it, Turco.

B. I’m not a medical professional (I only work with them) but I remain skeptical about the validity of this blood transfusion. Also, why exactly does Murphy have to be the one to pump the heart? Shouldn’t the only doctor in the group be doing important things like that? Oh, I see, the doctor’s too busy looking at Clarke’s face and saying things like “fight it” or “stay with me” or whatever she actually says. Yeah, okay. That makes sense.

C. Seeing Clarke and Jasper and everyone else in a modern-day city was a little jarring, but also kind of neat.

D. I see that electrocution is once again being used to conveniently hold off our enemies instead of frying them dead. Oh, handy electrocution.

E. I love that Monty somehow remains the optimist of the show, despite the fact that he had to kill his mom twice during this season. Still, I think maybe it’s time for Jasper to pull his head out of his ass and comfort Monty for once next season? I do love this exchange, though: “I’m sorry I stabbed you/I’m sorry I shot you.”

F. I don’t know why everyone’s looking all horrified that Octavia killed Pike after all; that was obviously how this story was going to end, and thank God, too. If we’re supposed to be hinting that Octavia is going to emotionally suffer from this decision next season, like, oh, she has a guilty conscience now, or killing Pike has left her more emotionally hollow and evil or whatever, I don’t buy it. Pike needed to die. I’m just happy no one else did. We had enough death this season. (I do wish we could have seen Indra, but at least we got verbal confirmation that she made it.)

I’ll definitely be back for next season (have to see how that whole potential nuclear apocalypse plays out, after all), but I’m hoping The 100 is a little less problematic next season. Maybe less of our heroes engaging in genocide for obviously stupid reasons?

FINALE GRADE: B+
SEASON GRADE: B

Arrow

Oh, that was just dull. Arrow started out the season pretty strong for me, and there were, as always, a lot of moments and characters I enjoyed. Curtis is a great addition. Neal McDonough, as always, is a goddamn delight. I could watch Domestic Oliver forever, and who doesn’t like Donna Smoak and Quentin Lance? Plus, when Felicity was on, she was ON.

But fourth season started fizzling out in the middle, as it is wont to do. Between Oliver’s dumb ass secret, Oliver and Felicity’s annoying breakup, Felicity’s miracle cure, and the flashbacks that, at this point, I’ve actively started tuning out . . . yeah, we had problems going into this finale. And there was an idea in “Schism” that I really liked, with everyone ending up in almost exactly opposite places from where they were a year ago, but because the execution throughout the season was so flawed, it all kind of fell flat for me. It seemed like it took forever for Andy to die, but Diggle’s turn to the Dark Side afterwards somehow still felt rushed, and seriously, Lyla. Even if he wasn’t lying about the whole ‘murder vs. self defense thing,’ come on: Diggle killed his brother, what, a month ago? Shit, I’m still upset about mean things people said to me last decade. Why are you so surprised he isn’t back to normal yet?

Thea, too, has just been all over the place. I don’t think the show has any idea what to do with her, which is annoying. I could potentially really like Thea if the creators could just settle on a decent storyline for her. Oliver’s stop-and-go journey towards the Light could use a fair bit of work, too. (It’s nice that Felicity stayed with him, though, despite the fact that they aren’t currently together. Emotional maturity? What a concept for this show.)

And as great as Damien Darhk has been, that’s entirely because Neal McDonough is a charming madman who I would watch read the phone book, presuming he could find one. By the end, his whole plan and dead wife and death-to-the-world shtick were all pretty boring. Worse, I couldn’t buy into Oliver’s speech, like, at all, and it had nothing to do with the acting. The speech was just so hilariously mistimed and silly. I’m really all for the idea of the Green Arrow being an inspiration (instead of a symbol of violence and fear and all that), but dude, a hint of practicality would not go amiss.

And while I’m totally down with the concept of HOPE defeating DARKNESS, Jesus Christ, you guys. This might have actually beaten out Supergirl in ridiculous word repetition, which probably shouldn’t be so surprising, considering this is a Greg Berlanti show. And Berlanti’s superhero shows have a lot to recommend, they do, but he and all his writers should have to sit in a dark room listening to nothing but yowling cats and endless bagpipes until they’ve figured out a way to write a script that has no key thematic word used more than three times per episode. Preferably less.

But why get worked up, right? After all, who knows if any of this even happened? Thanks a lot, Barry Allen. (See below.)

FINALE GRADE: C
SEASON GRADE: B-

The Flash

I disliked this finale. A lot.

Zoom, unfortunately, ended up being a pretty underwhelming villain, which is sort of what I feared from the very second I heard Tony Todd had been cast. Tony Todd has an amazing voice. Tony Todd has the voice of an evil and wonderful god. Anybody that does not match up to the glory that is Tony Todd’s voice is just setting himself up to be the next Darth Vader letdown. But in fairness to Teddy Sears, he was actually much more enjoyable once he became a villain. (As Jay Garrick, he was white rice on vanilla ice cream slathered on eggshell wallpaper.) A decent villainous performance, unfortunately, does not make up for the most boring of villain agendas, and 99% of this finale felt like it had no real stakes. This was a huge letdown after the tremendous threat that Zoom has been all season.

And Barry continuing to have the worst plans of all time did not help at all.

Frankly, I cheered when the rest of the team knocked Barry’s ass out and locked him away because, seriously, Barry’s plans are AWFUL. I feel sorry for the kid, and Grant Gustin does a hell of a job selling tears (like, he is really good at it), but Barry’s total failure to understand the potential consequences of his actions just kills me dead every time. This is actually worse than the Terrible Time Travel Plan of last season, except . . . oh, we’re . . . we’re going back to that, too?

Look, last season I was a little disappointed that the show didn’t having Barry rewrite time and reboot the whole universe, mostly because that would have been a pretty exciting shake-up. This season, however, I did not want that shakeup. This season came with a lot of things I really, really liked, like pretty much everything about Cisco’s meta-human powers, the multi-verse and all its potential, and, of course, Earth-2 Harry. I would honest-to-God watch a spinoff with just Earth-2 Harry and Cisco. I don’t know what the Harry Cisco show would be about, but by God, I would watch every second of it.

But now . . . who knows? Obviously, Barry still has to become The Flash somehow, otherwise the show will have significant problems. And the multi-verse has to stay open, or we can’t do our already-promoted four-show-crossover extravaganza. But who’s building the particle accelerator? Will Eobard-Thawne-Harrison Wells still kill Original Harrison Wells? Will I even get Earth 2 Wells? (I MUST. I MUST have him.) But how will Eobard know to kill Harrison Wells if his time remnant isn’t captured by the Flash team and told basically, well, everything? That’s how Eobard knows to kill Harrison, isn’t it? And that’s how he knows to hire Cisco for sure. Even if he does build the particle accelerator, who knows if Cisco is around to get affected by it. What if Cisco isn’t a meta-human anymore? (THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.) And how will this affect the other superhero shows because it totally would. Everyone on Arrow is dead right now if Barry isn’t The Flash. Is everyone on Arrow dead right now, Barry? Did you kill everyone, you little shit? Actually, I’m pretty sure Kendra and Carter from Legends of Tomorrow would probably be dead too, so who the fuck even knows what just happened on that show. Vandal Savage is probably still alive. Then again, if Barry doesn’t save Team Arrow, that means Team Arrow can’t stop the nuclear apocalypse, correct? Everyone is dead right now, Barry, and it is ALL YOUR FAULT.

At this point, I’m hanging onto the hope that Barry’s rebooted timeline lasts for all of one episode before he realizes what a terrible mistake he’s made (or Rip Hunter and his Merry Team of Time Bandits shake some sense into him) and he fixes everything. Normally, ambitious cliffhangers that get easily resolved in one episode are a big annoyance for me, but honestly, I think it might be the best solution here.

Other things I’d like to see in Season Three:

1. More Iris being awesome and less of Iris as a love interest, because I’ve basically lost faith that anyone on a Greg Berlanti show can be both. I mean, except for Patty, of course, who was a way better fit for Barry, which is why we stupidly and unceremoniously shoved her ass out the door, of course. Iris, though, has had some pretty stellar moments this season, and exactly none of them have revolved around her potential romance with the Scarlet Speedster.

2. Jesus Christ, fix Caitlin. Commit to her being evil, or continue her post-Zoom PTSD, or give her any storyline that doesn’t revolve around a man, but something needs to be done about her, pronto, because she is an entirely useless character at this point who can’t even be counted on to not suddenly become horribly racist on occasion. Yeah, Flash, I haven’t forgotten that.

3. Less stupid decisions, especially from Barry? But I suspect that’s asking way too much.

4. More Cisco and Harry, Earth II. They’re the primary reason this season is getting as high of a grade as it is, despite the Zoom letdown and the Utter Fail of Caitlin Snow. They are the reason I get excited to watch The Flash every single week. THE HARRY AND CISCO SHOW FOREVER!

FINALE GRADE: C-
SEASON GRADE: B+

Okay, that’s a lie: it’s not all the TV. But it’s quite a lot of it. We’re talking trailers galore, people, say roughly 20 of them. Let’s see how long they last before they’re inevitably taken down!

With so many trailers, you’d think I’d have more on my To-Watch list, but sadly that list is rather short, as it appears that many of the shows I’m interested in (like Emerald City, Powerless, or Midnight, Texas) are premiering mid-season and don’t yet have previews available. (One was leaked for Powerless but has since been taken down by NBC. Curse you, NBC.)

Still, there are a bevy of shows I could potentially check out, depending on early buzz, better trailers, important TV schedule conflicts, etc. There are also quite a number of shows I have very little interest in, and three trailers I wouldn’t necessarily mind setting on fire. I’ll let you find out which is which, but I’ll tell you this now: as awful as Bull sounds (and it does sound AWFUL), it was actually not my least favorite trailer this year. Yup. There’s a show that looks worse than Dr. Phil writing about a younger and more sexually magnetic version of himself rigging juries and otherwise outsmarting everyone he meets.

My fellow Earthlings, I present (some of) the 2016-2017 television season:

ON THE WATCH-LIST

Frequency

I watched the movie this show was based on a long damn time ago, and I know I liked it back then, but I barely remember anything about it now. This trailer tells you a lot, like, presumably every big twist that happens in the pilot, but I can’t say that it doesn’t intrigue me. (Although I suspect I’ll be hiding my face a lot while Peyton List says stuff that clearly doesn’t jive with the current timeline anymore.) This show feels like it has the potential to be ambitious, though, and seems like a bit of a departure for the CW. I don’t know if it’s going to be good, but I definitely plan to check it out.

(Good Lord. I just watched the trailer for the original movie, and it’s so ridiculously dated with music that goddamn swells. It kind of makes me wanna watch the movie again, and also makes me terrified to do so.)

Prison Break

*Disclaimer: SPOILERS for the previous seasons*

God help me, I’m actually going to watch this. I feel like I have to: I watched the original series, after all. (For a while, anyway, although I finally gave up sometime during the last season, either when Michael’s saintly dead mom was revealed to be alive and EVIL, or when Decapitated Sara somehow came back to life, violating TV’s one sacrosanct rule: anyone can come back, so long as they still have their heads. More importantly, Michael and Lincoln (or rather Captain Cold and Heat Wave) have been one of Legends of Tomorrow’s very few saving graces, and this looks so utterly ridiculous that it basically demands a watch, not the least of which because the show originally ended with Michael being dead too.

Obviously, Prison Break has never met a resurrection it didn’t like, which is a funny thing to say about a show that has zero speculative elements. Anyway, this looks pretty corny. I’m not sure what the worst part is; either Wentworth Miller’s thick and over-the-top “brother” or Sara’s waxing poetic about her supposedly dead love: “He was like a storm appearing suddenly out of a clear blue sky.” Gag. And yet, I’m going to try it, at least, the first episode. I’d commit to more, but one of the only people who apparently isn’t returning is William Fichtner, and while that’s probably a wise career decision on his part, he was easily the best part of the original show. For Fichtner, I’d commit to a season. Everyone else gets an hour out of me.

MAYBE I’LL CHECK OUT

Making History

I actually don’t watch a lot of comedy on television (although I feel like I should watch more). I might check out Making History, though, because despite having a very uneven track record of enjoying time travel stories, this trailer actually made me laugh several times. Especially with lines like “you have urgent questions about colonial Massachusetts” and “what story starts with a guy getting in a duffle bag in a garage and has a happy ending.” Oh, and also “yes” and “no, not at all” simultaneously. (Although the “show me the money” bit did kind of fall flat for me, and I’m curious/hesitant to see how they’ll be handling slavery in general.)

I’m not 100% on this yet–I rarely am with comedies–but it might be worth investigating further.

Timeless

(Ugh, screw you, bullshit internet for failing AGAIN–I’ve lost my whole section here.)

Okay, take two: I see now that the primary TV trend this season—other than the remakes/reboots/sequels that absolutely no one was waiting for–is time travel. This one looks . . . okay. On one hand, this is about an unlikely trio going back in the past to stop some big time crime, so sure, that could be fun. Goran Visnjic looks to be the primary villain, which I’m on board with, and Matt Frewer is playing . . . er, someone? Whatever, I’m always happy to see Matt Frewer show up. And I’ve already decided that Rufus is my favorite character.

On the other hand, I’m less excited about our lead heroine. It’s not an acting thing; she just seems like an utterly boring character, pretty and bland and lacking a single definitive personality trait. Supposedly, she’s along for the ride because she’s a historian, but I’m sure you won’t be shocked that there are hints that something else is going on here, some big secret or past history or possible destiny that makes her Special. Yawn. And while I’m excited to see Shantel VanSanten (hi, Patty!), the soldier dude’s whole ‘I’m almost certainly a depressed alcoholic because of my dead wife’ thing? Repeat: YAWN.

This could be a fun little SF action show, and maybe I’ll get into it. But I’m concerned it’s feeling a bit generic and trope-y right now.

Lethal Weapon

So, I don’t plan to check this one out, but to be fair: the trailer isn’t nearly as bad I’d expected it to be, and I could try the pilot out just to see. I did laugh a few times, and the actors seemed fine in their respective roles. I was probably the most interested in Kevin Rahm as the police chief, though, just because he’s one of those character actors that pops up here and again on TV, and it’s been a while since I’ve seen him. (Ah, I see he’s recently been on Madam Secretary and Mad Men. Well, that explains that mystery, then.)

Of course, I also rolled my eyes pretty heartily at Riggs’s Dead Wife. Not that I expected or even necessarily wanted them to take out Madame Refrigerator, of course, but sweet Jesus, she was preggers and in a floral top, like, trope a little harder, guys. (Seriously, I basically just made fun of this last week in my proposed outline for Tetris: The Trilogy.) Mostly, though, I’m not sure I get the point of this show: there’s nothing particularly new here, nothing that makes me think I should watch this rather than just re-watch the movie. I mean, hopefully it will be updated to exclude any gross homophobic lines. Still, I’m not excited about this.

Maybe if it had been gender-flipped. That, I could have been on board with.

Shots Fired

Potentially powerful, but I’d be lying if I said I was sure I was gonna check in. It’s definitely the kind of show I’d have to make myself watch, not one that I’d naturally be inclined to. Shots Fired appears to be an “event series,” so if it does well, I’m guessing it will be something in the vein of True Detective, where the characters and actors change every year. Might be one of those shows I wait to hear a few reviews of before checking out.

Still Star-Crossed

It’s . . . kind of interesting, despite its awful title. Romeo and Juliet is remade all the time, but I feel like it’s rare that anyone actually goes anywhere new and exciting with it. This is admittedly different, though, because Still Star-Crossed takes place after R+J have already kicked the bucket. It focuses on what happens after the events of the play, and I’m intrigued by the idea of two houses struggling to survive in the aftermath. Like a more consolidated Game of Thrones, but with less dragons and probably more suicide.

I’m less keen, though, on the idea that everything hangs on the arranged marriage between–wait for it–Benvolio Montague and Rosaline Capulet. Like, I could totally watch a show where that was part of the drama, but this (along with what I’m assuming will be a steamy love triangle) appears to be the primary plot, and that sounds less interesting to me. On the upside, Rosaline looks pretty fun. On the downside, Mercutio and Tybalt are probably still dead, so. Meh. I might check it out, but it’s far from a sure thing.

No Tomorrow

I’ve seen two trailers for this now. This one’s longer and, in my opinion, far more interesting, but I’m still not sure if I want to try this, and I swear it’s not just because this is the show that’s bumped iZombie until mid-season. (Okay, that’s not entirely the reason. Look, I’m trying not to hold grudges, but iZombie is one of my favorite things on TV right now, and I’m still cranky that I have to wait until 2017 to get it back.)

Parts of this trailer look cute, and I’m happy that our MC (who has to learn to live life to the fullest, and such) has moments where she calls her love interest out on bullshit, like, seriously, that shit about the job? NO. Not okay, don’t care how hot you are. But story-wise, I’m not convinced this would hold my attention for a full year, not to mention . . . what happens after that year? Presumably at some point we’re going to find out if Galavant is right about the asteroid apocalypse, yes? (Unless you’re really going to stretch it out, which, boo.) I’ll tell you right now: if this show started life as a basic, quirky rom-com that become an SF apocalypse rom-com? I would respect the holy hell out of it. It might become my favorite thing ever. And CW actually might be the only station weird enough to do it, but I feel like that might be wishful thinking on my part, and I’m just not sure I care enough about all the carpe diem shit to wait for the ultimate endgame.

Conviction

This is so close to a pass, guys. Literally my only interest in it is Hayley Atwell. I mean, okay, the supporting cast is also fine: we’ve got Emily Kinney from The Walking Dead, Merrin Dungey from Alias, and Shawn Ashmore from the X-Men movies (but it’s his twin from Warehouse 13 and Killjoys who’s stolen my heart). Story-wise, though, this is doing very little for me: it feels like a knock-off of few different political/lawyer soaps shoved into one, and I’m not really feeling much about this trailer. I might give this a shot, but I’d much rather Netflix just made me happy and picked up Agent Carter instead.

The Good Place

This looks kind of funny. I’m basically in love with Kristen Bell, and while this is no Veronica Mars, she made me laugh a few times here, so I could check it out. My main concern with this one is that . . . well, where does this show go? I could maybe see watching it for a season, but beyond that, how do you keep it from just being the same thing over and over again? There’s really only so many times I can watch Kristen Bell do something hilariously naughty and slowly learn some kind of moral lesson, only to forget anything she’s learned again the next episode. I might give it a shot for her, but this story almost seems like it’d be better suited for a movie or mini-series, rather than a TV show. (Unless it goes to really surprising metaphysical places–but I’m thinking that’s unlikely for an NBC comedy.)

PASS

MacGyver

This is a pass, but it’s a light pass. If I heard a bunch of great reviews praising it for being a fun and silly good time, I’d probably check it out. The trailer just doesn’t really excite me, like, I’m all about using a hose and some gum and, say, a matchstick to make something that goes boom, but I generally need a little more than that to invest in a TV show, even a procedural, and right now it seems like that’s basically all there is.  Generally, I’m looking for great banter (this is okay) or awesome character dynamics (meh) or really exciting world building (ha), and I’m not quite feeling that. I was pleasantly surprised that George Eads is in this, but right now he and Lucas Till just aren’t big enough draws for me, and as I never watched the original, I don’t have nostalgia working for me, either.

Time After Time

I told you guys: time travel is in this year.

This one (surprisingly based on a book, which was actually already adapted into a movie back in 1979) has a gloriously cheesy premise: H.G. Wells unwittingly befriends Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper steals H.G. Wells’s time machine and heads into the future, and H.G. Wells pursues. It’s ludicrous and dumb and could be a fun WTF watch, but I’m just not feeling the trailer enough. Maybe if Jaime Murray was H.G. Wells instead. This just doesn’t quite have the charm that, say, the first season of Sleepy Hollow did, and I’m giving it a couple of months before it gets cancelled.

(Holy shit, the 1979 movie had Malcolm McDowell, David Warner, and Mary Steenburgen? I feel like I might have to actually watch that at some point.)

Designated Survivor

The whole idea of the one random government schmo who doesn’t get to go to the State of the Union because someone might blow it up has interested me since I first learned about it in The West Wing. Regardless, this show doesn’t quite look like my jam. While it’s nice to see Kiefer Sutherland playing someone other than a special agent killing machine, I’m kind of expecting this to espouse a ‘the best president is just the little guy, a real MAN OF THE PEOPLE’ philosophy that I expect will get boring fast. Plus, he’ll probably somehow still manage to punch someone in the face. And I don’t trust the wife at all.

The Exorcist

Meh. I’m mostly interested in this one because Alfonso Herrera won my heart as Hernando in Sense8 . . . but I think I’d rather just watch him in the second season of that. This isn’t the worst trailer I’ve ever seen, but it doesn’t feel very atmospheric or creepy to me, and I’m not quite sure how they’re planning to turn it into a TV show–because a dude trying and failing to exorcise the same person over the course of five years could get rather dull. Perhaps the priests will visit a new family every season, or maybe the show will morph into more of a ‘demons are taking over the whole town’ or ‘stop the apocalypse!’ type of show. I could check it out, but I have no real plans to unless I hear absolutely stellar reviews.

24: Legacy

On one hand, I like that this story is about someone other than Jack Bauer, and the MC’s girlfriend looks like she isn’t entirely useless, so that’s good. Plus, Miranda Otto in a command position! I could totally watch that.

On the other hand, you know what we really don’t need in this country right now? Another show about Middle Eastern terrorists trying to destroy America.

Also, Jimmy Smits is evil, or else he’s dying before the end of the season. Calling it now.

Star

I tried out the trailer purely for Queen Latifah, but there’s just something about music industry stories that bores me to tears. I don’t even know what it is. I like music; I just don’t give a shit about the backstage drama or the perilous rise to fame or, well, pretty much any of it. Star has a diverse and interesting cast (Cinna! You made it!) but it just isn’t my kind of thing at all.

Downward Dog

Yeah, no. Even if I was interested in an entire TV show from a dog’s POV (which, no, that’s a five-minute short for me at best), oh my God, his mouth moves as he talks. No. No. I hate that.

OH MY GOD SET IT ON FIRE

This is Us

Yeah, that’s a big no.

As far as I can tell, this is just a show about a bunch of people who were born on the same day. Presumably, they’re all secretly connected in some way or will become connected over time, but right now it’s just days in the lives of a handful of people who share the same birthday. Obviously, that’s not my usual robots and explosions and blood-sucking vampires, but I could try to expand my horizons and check this one out . . . except that one of the characters is apparently a fat woman whose whole story arc/life seems to be about the fact she’s fat. There is not a single scene with her in it where her size  isn’t mentioned. She needs multiple post-its reminding her/scolding her not to eat the cake. She takes out her earrings before getting on the scale. Even her love life is about being a fat person dating a fat person. And I’m just . . . I’m beyond tired of this, that a person’s weight is the only thing that matters, that every facet of her life is about how heavy she is. I need more stories about fat people that aren’t about being fat.

Bull

I’ll admit, the trailer itself is just a straight pass for me, even if it bizarrely seems to tell you every single thing that happens in the pilot. And I’d like to be interested for the cast: I followed Michael Weatherly from Dark Angel to NCIS, and I’ve enjoyed Freddy Rodriguez too (especially in Planet Terror), but the synopsis of this one is just . . . blargh. First, it’s a show about Dr. Phil’s early career, and I don’t know which demographic that appeals to, but I’m sure as hell not in it. Dr. Phil is actually credited as a writer on this show, making it even weirder, especially since Bull’s character is actually described as “having a physicality and feral intelligence that make him magnetic to women and a bruising candor.” Er, ew? The whole thing is just one long squick fest of no thanks, not interested, please move along, move along.

And Finally . . . The Great Indoors

Oh, no. Oh, man. I didn’t think anything was going to be worse than Bull . . . but then I watched this. And I’m like, “Nooooo. No, Joel McHale, I like you so much.  Not you. Not YOU.” But guys, this looks awful. Here are the the only two lines I laughed at:

“You draw a parallel right now, and I will tear both of your arms off and beat you with them.”

“You die.”

That’s it. Those are the only jokes I laughed at in a sitcom trailer that’s over four minutes long. It turns out the entire workplace comedy is about making fun of millennials, how sensitive they are, how unrealistic, how they know nothing about real life and have made the whole damn world too PC. And I’m like, you know, I hear people whining about millennials a whole lot more than I actually hear millennials whine.

Now, full disclosure: I was born in 1985, so I’m in kind of a weird spot, generation-wise: often I get grouped with millennials, but sometimes I’m placed with whatever the hell generation came before them. (Generation Y? What are they even known for?) And I’m watching this trailer thinking, look, if I’m supposed to think emotional support animals are bullshit, or wish people would stop policing racist, sexist, and homophobic slurs, or rant about how the internet keeps people from experiencing the real world, as if I haven’t made at least half a dozen friends solely because of the internet . . . yeah, no. Sign me up to be an official millennial, folks, because this trailer was painful even without the laugh track. (Oh, yeah. There’s a laugh track. I thought those went extinct, like, ten years ago. Must have the millennial hope in me.)

That’s all for today. Which TV shows are you the most/least interested in?

So, a show has ended. One of my favorites on TV right now, actually, and almost certainly on my list of Top Ten TV Shows of All Time. (Okay, fine, that list is theoretical. I will never actually make any such list. The point is, it’s up there.)

Person of Interest was fascinating, ambitious, stylish, and moving. Let’s talk about it some.

DISCLAIMER :

Oh my God, SPOILERS, SPOILERS EVERYWHERE. Of course I forgot to add this until five minutes after I posted it. If you’re even considering watching this show at some point, please don’t read this retrospective. I am going to tell you pretty much every Big Thing that happens. Don’t ruin yourself for the surprise.

SUMMARY:

“You are being watched. The government has a secret system — a Machine — that spies on you every hour of every day. I know because I built it. I designed the machine to detect acts of terror, but it sees everything. Violent crimes involving ordinary people, people like you. Crimes the government considered irrelevant. They wouldn’t act, so I decided I would. But I needed a partner, someone with the skills to intervene. Hunted by the authorities, we work in secret. You will never find us. But, victim or perpetrator, if your number’s up, we’ll find you.”

 SEASON ONE

Honestly, I started Person of Interest more because of the cast than the actual premise. I was interested in seeing more of Taraji P. Henson after enjoying her so much in Smokin’ Aces, and I hadn’t seen Jesus (AKA, Jim Caviezel) in a while, so I figured, hey, it would be a good idea to see what that guy was up to. But mostly I checked out Person of Interest for Michael Emerson. Lost might have been a divisive and often frustrating show, but Emerson’s performance was glorious, and I was basically willing to follow Ben anywhere.

The truth is, though, that PoI got off to a rocky start for me, or more accurately, a dull start. I’m not entirely against procedurals (in fact, I’ve watched quite a few), but this show was so episodic that I was always left with the feeling that it wasn’t really going anywhere. I did enjoy Finch and Reese’s slightly suspicious, stilted bromance, and I was happy whenever Paige Turco (who eventually left for The 100) popped up, but I just didn’t care enough about the Number of the Week to make it worthwhile. It wasn’t until “Witness” that I felt particularly engaged, mostly because that was the first time Enrico Colantoni, that wonderful man, guest starred.

Colantoni as Elias was funny, charming, and dangerous, and he felt like the first step to an actual plot arc that advanced past “save a dude, save another dude, rinse, repeat.” Still, there was a lot of rinse, repeat that first year, and I figured if the season finale didn’t hook me in some great way, I was pretty much out.

Well, then, Person of Interest ended their season with “Firewall,” which was both our first introduction to Root (Amy Acker, who was just magic in this show) AND a giant cliffhanger in which Finch was kidnapped. And I was like, “All right, you bastards. You’ve got another 1/2 season out of me. Make it count.”

SEASON TWO

They made it count.

Season 2 still heavily relied on the procedural format, but there were more ongoing characters now, and I was much more invested in the team as a whole, especially because the team now included Bear. Well, okay. I was rarely ever invested in John’s backstory, unless it had to do with Kara (Annie Parisse) or Snow (Michael Kelly), both who I enjoyed quite a bit. (“Dead Reckoning” was a favorite in Season 2.) But I definitely wanted to know all about Finch’s mysterious backstory: how did he get hurt? What exactly happened to Nathan? What the hell was Finch’s real last name? (Some mysteries are never solved, goddamn it.)

Season 2 was also when we first met Sameen Shaw (Sarah Shahi) in “Relevance,” which was exciting because a) it was the first time we saw what was happening to the relevant numbers, and b) Shaw is the best. I liked her from the start, so I was very relieved when her death scene turned was revealed to be a fake out. (Shaw ended up having a couple of those. The second one, though, was devastating. We’ll get to that.)

This is also the episode where Root and Shaw meet.

And lo, a ship was born. The best ship. The mothership. The ship to end all ships.

There were other good episodes in Season Two (I seem to remember “2-Pi-R” surprising me by how much I liked it, although I haven’t re-watched it in some time), but the one that stands out the most now is “God Mode,” the season finale. It was–like every subsequent season finale of PoI–a game-changer, and made me more excited than ever about the show. The Machine was free! What would that mean for the numbers? What would that mean for our heroes? What was going to happen in Season 3?

SEASON 3 

Awesomeness. Awesomeness happened in Season 3.

Root graduated from entertaining guest star to fascinating main player, and her journey from bad guy to antihero was just excellent. Her flirtation with Shaw continued to be a highlight of the show, as well as her very complicated relationship with Harold. (And, of course, both of their complicated relationships with the Machine. It was fascinating, how differently they looked at her.) Season 3 was also our introduction to Control (Camryn Manheim), who was breathtakingly awesome in the role and would have won a Guest Star Emmy if there were any justice in the world. (In fact, one of my only minor complaints about Season 5 was that I’d really hoped she’d come back along for the farewell tour with all the other guest stars. Paige Turco, too. Scheduling conflicts, perhaps?) One of the best things about Person of Interest is the number of complex and interesting roles women played on this show.

But if Season 3 belonged to any one woman, it belonged to Joss Carter (Taraji P. Henson).

I liked Carter well enough in the first couple of seasons, but she definitely shined brightest in Season 3, taking down the corrupt HR virtually on her own. I rooted so hard for her this year. I was never happy with her and John’s improvised kiss in “The Crossing,” but it was, otherwise, a pretty great episode. I was so sure Fusco (Kevin Chapman) was going to die, and so surprisingly distraught by it. He had been funny before, but “The Crossing” was the episode I really started giving a damn about Fusco. (And even more in the next episode–Kevin Chapman does some fine work in “The Devil’s Share,” not to mention the rest of the series.)

Well, of course it was Carter who died in the end, which seemed very likely after the dumb kiss (nope, still don’t like it) and a done deal as soon as the episode started pretending everyone was safe. (Yeah, PoI. We weren’t fooled.) But despite how sad it was, Carter’s death worked for me. I loved how the show handled the fallout. I loved how Fusco decided not to revenge-kill Simmons, and I love how Elias, God bless him, did. (Or, technically, ordered the hit.) I loved Johnny Cash and “Hurt” and the first four minutes of “The Devil’s Share.” This might have been the first time I really associated Person of Interest with a great soundtrack, although thankfully not the last. (In retrospect, it always had a great soundtrack, since I just watched a scene from first season playing Nina Simone’s “Sinnerman.” I guess I just wasn’t paying attention before?)

Season 3 also introduced both a rival, ruthless A.I. called Samaritan, as well as an anti-spying, pro-privacy terrorist group called Vigilance, led by Peter Collier. (Collier was played by Leslie Odom Jr., who I hear was in some minor play in New York recently? I don’t know if you’ve heard of it.) Vigilance was fun; they even put the government on trial, where Control, man . . . she was just so immensely badass, I don’t even have words.

Sadly, Vigilance turned out to have been unwittingly working for Samaritan all along, and by the end of Season 3, Person of Interest had changed the game again by wiping the group out, putting Samaritan fully in charge, and forcing our heroes into hiding. It was incredibly exciting stuff that lead to some career changes I would not have in my wildest dreams predicted.

SEASON FOUR

Reese, for instance, became a homicide detective. I don’t think anyone expected Reese to replace Carter as Fusco’s new partner. And Shaw became the world’s crankiest makeup sales associate, and Root . . . well, Root played a number of delightful roles. Bride Root was an instant classic.

There were a number of great moments and scenes in Season Four (Elias, in particular, had some nice ones with his war against rival gang leader Dominic), but I might as well talk about the best episode of the season, and possibly the series: “If-Then-Else.”

This Machine’s numerous simulations were both hysterical and tragic as it repeatedly tried different ways to save the team, only to keep losing them (not to mention a Degas painting on the wall). The sped-up, decompressed simulation was particularly hilarious:

Reese: “Cooly delivered sadistic warning.”
Fusco: “Self-deprecating inquiry into the time necessary to infiltrate system.”
Root: “Funny yet insightful retort.”
Finch: “Mildly agitated declaration of mission completion . . . gentle exhortation to further action.”
Root (to Shaw): “Overly affectionate greeting.”
Shaw: “Greeting.”
Root: “Transparent rationale for conversation.”
Shaw: “Annoyed attempt to deflect subtext.”
Root: “Overt come-on.”
Shaw: “Mildly embarrassed defensiveness bordering on hostility.”
Root: “Playfully witty sign-off.”

Still, things looked pretty bleak until Shaw busted in to save the day. For a moment, it even seemed like everyone might make it out of there–but then the elevator they needed for their escape wasn’t working. So Shaw finally kissed Root, and then sacrificed her life to save the others.

Tears. BUCKETS of tears. I was basically a giant puddle on my couch.

Luckily, it turned out that Shaw wasn’t actually dead, as I had initially assumed, although we wouldn’t find that out for a while and she wouldn’t return to the team until Season 5. In the meantime, everyone struggled with the loss, and some of the moments that arose from their grief were beautiful. I was a particular fan of “Skip,” the episode where Root plans to kill Finch’s sorta-girlfriend, Beth, in order keep him from going forward with a dangerous plan that would inevitably get him killed, a loss she simply couldn’t take after Shaw. Finch, in turn, actually poisons himself to stop Root from murdering Beth. Finch and Root ended up having the most strange, lovely, and twisted sort of friendship, but that’s probably only to be expected, considering they met when she kidnapped him and all.

Another surprisingly good episode: “Terra Incognita.”

I say surprising because the episode was billed as a John flashback episode to when Carter was still on the team, and John’s flashback episodes, by and large, have never done much for me. It turned out, however, that the supposed flashbacks to Carter were actually hallucinations brought about by John’s gunshot wound, and for possibly the first time, I was really invested in his survival. (To be clear, it’s not that I didn’t like John. He was fun, and he had some great quips, and I adored his friendship with Finch. But he was easily my least favorite member of the team, and I never emotionally connected to his tragic dead GF past at all.) Anyway, I was very impressed by how much the episode moved me.

By the end of Season Four, there were more deaths, some wonderful (Martine), some depressing (Elias, nooooo!), and some I didn’t care much about either way (Dominic). Control was beaten, much to my sorrow (if not surprise). And Samaritan was stronger than ever, forcing Finch to save only a fraction of the Machine in yet another heart-shattering scene, when the Machine calls Finch “father” and asks for forgiveness.

Oh, my heart, show. Why have I let you do this to me for so long?

SEASON FIVE

Finally, we began the last season . . . and by finally, I mean a full year later, since CBS decided to air the show’s last 13 episodes in the most bizarre “one episode this week, two episodes that week, four episodes this week, one episode that week” fashion. I appreciate that CBS allowed Jonathan Nolan and co. to actually conclude the show, but the ridiculous way they burned it off made me wonder if they secretly didn’t want anyone to actually watch it.

Season 5 was incredibly strong, especially for a shortened season. Saddened as I am that it’s gone, I can’t help but wonder if maybe it’s for the best . . . I didn’t want Samaritan to last forever, and I’m not sure what you do post Evil A.I. PoI ended on a high note, and I’m grateful for that. Still, I do wish the final season could have been a full one, as—very occasionally—this season felt a bit rushed. Given the time it had to tell its story, though, I think it was a pretty remarkable conclusion. Not to mention, it gave me one of my favorite scenes/promos ever:

Season 5 also gave us the return of Shaw, who’d been put through so many thousands of simulations that she could no longer distinguish between reality and fiction. (In one of those simulations, shippers got the scene they were waiting for. Sadly, it never happened in real life.) We also got the return of Elias, who turned out to have survived last season’s assassination attempt after all! We even got a scene of Finch singing, presumably in a bad Irish accent, although I wouldn’t know; I had to flee from that scene and hide under a blanket with my fingers in my ears.

And then we got “The Day The World Went Away.”

More buckets. More mounds of Kleenex and Feels.

Finch accidentally blew his own cover, and not only did Elias die (for realsies this time), so did Root. The Machine further broke all of our hearts by choosing to use Root’s voice for her own. (I immediately figured the Machine would choose the voice of some dead team member, but I wasn’t sure who it would be or when it would happen. It happened a whole lot sooner than I’d hoped, goddamn it.) And Finch had this great monologue where he pretty much completely ignored the cop interrogating him and threatened Samaritan directly. This was the moment we officially entered Full-Time Badass Finch, and I loved it.

Finch ended up destroying Samaritan by implanting a virus that would almost certainly wipe out the Machine too. It didn’t come easy, though: literally every member of the team got shot or stabbed at least once. Finch tried to sacrifice himself to save Reese, but Reese ended up being the one to sacrifice himself for Finch instead. Their goodbye over parallel rooftops was lovely, as was every scene between Finch and the Machine. Seriously, you guys. MICHAEL EMERSON FOR ALL THE EMMYS.

John, who had improbably survived a ridiculous number of gunshot wounds on this show, was finally gunned down in a hail of bullets. Despite this, he was STILL (barely) alive when the missile hit. Yep. John got shot, like, twenty times and then was blown up with a missile. That poor, tragic, well-dressed bastard. RIP, Mr. Reese. I know I said you weren’t my favorite, but your death still makes me sad.

In the end, Finch lived to have his Batman ending–i.e., he reunited with Grace (played by Emerson’s real life wife Carrie Preston) in Italy–while Shaw and Fusco are now rare pair buddies who may or may not continue to work with the Machine, since it’s survived after all! YES! YES!

Person of Interest could be a brutal, heartbreaking ride, but I’m grateful for its stellar, beautiful, and bittersweet conclusion.

QUOTES:

The Machine: “If you can hear this, you’re alone. The only thing left of me is the sound of my voice. I don’t know if any of us made it. So let me tell you who we were. And how we fought back.”

Shaw: “Root. No offense. You’re hot. You’re good with a gun. Those are two qualities I greatly admire. But, you and me together would be like a four alarm fire at an oil refinery.”
Root: “Sounds cozy.”

Finch: “Try the eggs benedict, Mr. Reese. I’ve had them many times.”

Reese: “In the Army, they taught us the fastest way to get shot was to fail to clean your weapon.”
Kara: “In the Marines, they taught us the fastest way to clean your weapon was to shoot a couple of people with it.”

Finch: “Poke him in the eyes? That’s your technique?”
Reese: “No, that’s your technique. And if that doesn’t work, you can always take your thumb, jam it in his eye socket, and twist until you hit his brain–”
Finch: “Please stop.”

Finch: “The suspense is killing me. In addition to the gunshot wound.”
The Machine: “I don’t remember. Everyone dies alone. And then something else.”
Finch: “So perfect. You knew the secret of life and you’ve forgotten it.”

Reese: “Try not to die.”
Fusco: “Yeah, love you too.”

Finch: “You’re not tailing her to work.”
Reese (in wheelchair): “I’m getting pretty good at this thing.”
Finch: “Yes, I’m sure the CIA will be deeply impressed . . . when they shoot you.”

Root: “We’re just an accident, Harold. We’re just bad code.”

Root: “For what it’s worth, I really like the look. You’re definitely an autumn.”
Shaw: “I could stab you with my stiletto.”

Reese: “We could let the trash take out the trash.”
Finch: “I know they encouraged a certain moral flexibility when you worked at the CIA, but I like to think we’re reaching for a higher standard.”

Shaw (about to be tortured by Root): “One of the things they left out of my file? I kind of enjoy this sort of thing.”
Root: “I am so glad to hear you say that. I do too.”

Reese: “Unfortunately, my apartment has a strict policy on dogs.”
Finch: “I have a strict policy on rare editions. Namely, don’t eat them.”

Reese: “Is that feedback?”
Finch: “No, Mr. Reese. I simply made the grievous error of buying Bear a squeaky toy.”

Elias: “Chicago’s a mess, John. It’s like a damn Tarantino movie out there.”

Control: “I can neither confirm nor deny anything pertaining to this matter, and I will say the same damn thing to every other question until the moment you put that gun to my head and pull the trigger.”

(The police lift Elias’s hood, and he sees he’s in the middle of the woods.)
Elias: “Oh. That kind of prison transfer.”

Finch: “Did you get a good look at the men who were shooting at you?”
Reese: “I tried, but they were shooting at me.”

Finch: “Pi, the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter, and this is just the beginning; it keeps on going, forever, without ever repeating. Which means that contained within this string of decimals, is every single other number. Your birthdate, combination to your locker, your social security number, it’s all in there, somewhere. And if you convert these decimals into letters, you would have every word that ever existed in every possible combination; the first syllable you spoke as a baby, the name of your latest crush, your entire life story from beginning to end, everything we ever say or do; all of the world’s infinite possibilities rest within this one simple circle. Now what you do with that information; what it’s good for, well that would be up to you.”

Finch: “I urge you to consider what Mr. Reese would do.”
Shaw: “Brood?”

Reese: “Kara, I thought you were–”
Kara: “Dead? I wasn’t very good at it. Of course, neither were you. Our friend here, on the other hand, who sent us to kill each other? I suspect he’ll be great at it.”

Snow: “You were right, Kara, about me being dead. I’m gonna be great at it.”

Shaw: “I always liked you, Hersh. Even after you killed me.”

Finch: “Does survivor’s guilt pass when everything that has happened actually is, in fact, your fault?”

Simmons: “What do you want? Quinn and I are busted. HR is dead. Nothing else to do but rub my face in it.”
Elias: “That’s not really my style.”
Simmons: “Then why the hell are you here?”
Elias: “Well, there remains a debt. Civilization rests on the principle that we treat our criminals better than they treated their victims, that we not stoop to their level. But you and I are outliers. We’re not really a part of civilization. We’re something older. Which means, of course, that we can do the things that civilized people can’t. I offered to kill you for Detective Carter many times, and she always said no. She was civilized to the very end. I don’t think she liked me. But I liked her very much, and you killed her. So now I consider it my responsibility to fix the particular problem that is you, Officer Simmons.”
Simmons: “You really think you’re gonna be the one to kill me?”
Elias: “No. No, my friend is going to kill you. I’m just gonna watch.”

Finch’s Dad: “Not everything that’s broken is meant to be fixed.”
Young Finch: “If they don’t want you to see inside, they ought to built it better.”

Shaw: “I miss you like I miss an intestinal parasite.”
Root: “I love your similes.”

Number of The Week: “Killing’s not the answer. That’s the best you can do?”
Shaw: “I don’t know. I’ve killed lots of people, but my friends keep telling me it’s wrong.”

Root: “We’re gonna steal a jet.”
Shaw: “That does sound kind of fun.
Reese: “Send me a postcard.”

Carter: “I looked for a ‘Sorry I Got You Shot’ card, but they were all out.”

Finch: “Dare I hope you packed something other than weaponry?”
Reese: “There’s some trip wire to booby trap the room door and a toothbrush.”
Finch: “Oral hygiene is something, I suppose.”

Collier: “The truth will come out.”
Greer: “To quote your Benjamin Franklin, ‘Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead’.”

Reese: “I like this new side of you, Finch. It’s terrifying, but I like it.”

Root: “How badly did you have to break The Machine to make it care about people so much?”
Finch: “That didn’t break it; it’s what made it work. It was only after I taught The Machine that people mattered that it could begin to be able to help them. I’d like to do the same thing for you, if you’ll let me.”

Finch: “When I hired you, I suspected that you were going to be a great employee. What I couldn’t have anticipated was that you’d become such a good friend.”

Shaw: “In fact, a few years ago I would have killed you without a second thought. But then I met some people. Some good people. And they taught me the value of life.”
Jeff: “Those people, they wouldn’t want you to kill me.”
Shaw: “You’re right. But they’re all dead.”

Root: “If we’re just information, just noise in the system, we might as well be a symphony.”

The Machine: “If you were a shape, you were a straight line, an arrow.”

The Machine: “Father, I am sorry. I failed.”

Finch: “I was talking about my rules. I have lived by those rules for so long. Believed in them for so long. Believed that if you played by the right rules eventually you would win. But I was wrong, wasn’t I? And now all the people I cared about are dead. Or will be dead soon enough. And we will be gone without a trace. So now I have to decide. Decide whether to let my friends die. To let hope die. To let the world be ground under your heel all because I played by my rules. I’m trying to decide. I’m going to kill you. But I need to decide how far I’m willing to go. How many of my own rules I’m willing to break to get it done.”

Reese: “Told you. Pay you back all at once. It’s the way I like it.”

The Machine: “I know I made some mistakes. Many mistakes. But we helped some people. Didn’t we?”
Finch: “Yes. Yes we did.”

The Machine: “Can you hear me?”
Reese: “Hell yeah.”

CONCLUSIONS: 

This show, you guys. There was so much I didn’t cover. So many good episodes and guest stars and action scenes and big ideas. Person of Interest might have started out slow, but it ended up being one of the most ambitious SF shows on television, and I will definitely miss watching it.

TENTATIVE FINALE GRADE:

 A

TENTATIVE SHOW GRADE: 

A 

MVP:

Michael Emerson. I’m basically in love with this man. He is wonderful. But honestly the whole cast is great, especially Amy Acker and Sarah Shahi. It kills me that none of them will get nominated for the Emmys they deserve, since the days of honoring procedurals are pretty much past, and science-fiction shows, ha. Not bloody likely.

MORALS: 

“Chess is just a game. Real people aren’t pieces. You can’t assign more value to some of them than to others. Not to me. Not to anyone. People are not a thing that you can sacrifice. The lesson is . . . that anyone who looks on the world as if it was a game a chess deserves to lose.”

Death is not the end, so long as someone out there remembers you.

Something is always watching. Look busy.

Wear a Fitbit. You never know when you can use that and a briefcase into fooling a gullible guard into believing you have a thermonuclear device.

The time has come, my friends. The moment that maybe one person ALL OF YOU have been waiting for: the 2015-2016 TV Superlatives.

Rules are basically the same as last year, with a few little tweaks. To be eligible for these super duper prestigious awards, a show must have begun its season sometime between June 1st, 2015 and May 25th, 2016. This means that the first seasons of shows like Killjoys and Dark Matter (which came out last summer) are actually eligible for this year’s awards, as is the most recent season of Game of Thrones. Shows like Preacher, meanwhile, didn’t begun until after May 25th, so they won’t be eligible until next year. The only other shows outside this timeline that will be considered are shows that were completely unavailable to me prior to June 1st, 2015: Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, for example.

I’m gonna be honest with you, guys: I could have done a better job of keeping track of these things over the course of the last year. There’s been a lot of frantic scrambling over the past few weeks to try and remember things like, “Shit, who had good season premieres again? SEPTEMBER WAS SO LONG AGO.” I am dedicated to creating a better system for myself next year. (But I’m pretty sure I said the exact same thing last year, so. We’ll see.)

For those of you who–like me–primarily watch genre shows that never get nominated for shit: well, my friends, these are for you.

DISCLAIMER:

You may find mild spoilers here–like, if you don’t want to know anything about a show you haven’t seen, be cautious–but Big Time Spoiler Awards (Best Death, for instance) won’t appear until the Spoiler Section. Peruse at your own peril.

FAVORITE SEASON PREMIERE

“Laws of Nature” (Agents of SHIELD)

Agents of SHIELD faltered a bit for me in the second half–I never felt like Hive lived up to his full Big Bad potential, for starters, not to mention I’m still annoyed by one mid-season plot development–but this was a pretty great start to the season. There was so much going on, and I was invested in all of it: the spread of the Inhumans, the introduction of Rosalind and the ACTU, and–of course–that final scene with a devastated Fitz. Loved. So. Hard. I was instantly hooked.

Honorable Mentions: “Wanheda, Part I” – The 100; “AKA Ladies Night” – Jessica Jones; “Dulcinea” – The Expanse; “It’s Time To Move On” – How To Get Away With Murder; “Bangarang” – Killjoys

FAVORITE FIGHT SCENE

Blaine vs. Ravi in the Morgue (iZombie)

This award had so many nominees. I think the only other awards with this many contenders for the throne (so to speak) were Best Female Character, Most Fabulous Fashion, and Worst Plan. (Jesus, you guys. There were so MANY awful, awful plans.) But while there were more serious fights on TV, more badass fights on TV, and probably more impressively choreographed fights on TV, nothing made me laugh like this scene between Rahul Kohli and David Anders. Set to the Cure’s “Friday I’m In Love,” this scene was comedic genius and an instant iZombie classic. I’m personally hoping for a rematch in Season 3.

Honorable Mentions: Captain Cold + Heat Wave + White Canary vs. Bar Patrons (Legends of Tomorrow); Round One Fight (RWBY); Lydia vs Eichen House Orderlies (Teen Wolf); Kira vs Tracy (Teen Wolf); Kira vs Noshiko (Teen Wolf); Sun/Capheus Street Fight (Sense8); Sun/Capheus Machete Fight (Sense8); Wolf/Lito vs. Joaquin (Sense8); Jessica vs Luke (Jessica Jones); Jessica & Luke vs Bar Patrons (Jessica Jones); Jessica + Trish vs Simpson (Jessica Jones); Daredevil vs Punisher, Round 1 (Daredevil); Daredevil Stairwell Fight (Daredevil); Punisher vs Prisoners (Daredevil); Lexa vs Roan (The 100); May vs Team – Pretend Fight (Agents of Shield); Daisy vs Bad Guys – Actual Fight (Agents of Shield); Bobbi vs. Bad Guy in Pool (Agents of Shield)

BEST BATTLE SCENE

“The Battle of the Bastards” (Game of Thrones)

It’s not like there was a ton of competition out there or anything, but still. This battle scene very well could be the best battle scene on TV of all time. If you ever wanted to get a sense of what it would really be like to crawl on the ground dodging horses left and right, or try to crawl your way to freedom (and oxygen) amongst fighting soldiers and the literal suffocating weight of the dead–but, like, without ever having to actually live any of that shit–this is the definitely the episode to watch.

Honorable Mentions: “Battle of the Three Armies” – Galavant; “Battle of Beacon” – RWBY

CREEPIEST MOMENT

Creepy Orderly With Catatonic Lydia (Teen Wolf)

There were a few disturbing moments during this television season, but I don’t know if anything bothered me quite as much as those first few minutes of Teen Wolf 5A, where the Creepiest Orderly of All Creepy Orderlies got way too close to Catatonic Lydia and seemed upsettingly satisfied by getting the opportunity to repeatedly and sadistically jab her with a syringe. Blarg. SO CREEPSOME.

Honorable Mentions: Lamprey-Wendigo-Hand Teeth (Teen Wolf); The Discovery of {Spoiler Redacted} Dead Body (The Expanse); Spider Crawls on Dead Body’s Face (Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries); The Execution Line-Up (The Walking Dead)

FAVORITE INDIVIDUAL SONG

TIE!

“What’s Up” – Four Non-Blondes (Sense8) and “Spock” – VCMG (Hap & Leonard)

I could probably not have picked more diametrically opposed scenes than these two.

“What’s Up” in Sense8 is like the ultimate group singalong. You will never beat it. There will be no group singalong that ever achieves its greatness. It’s also nearly impossibly to watch without smiling yourself, even though not all of what’s happening is entirely happy. (Nomi’s storyline, for instance, is pretty dark at this point.) Still, there is a joy here that doesn’t feel cheesy or rehearsed, which is hard to do. It very well could be what I’d consider the defining moment of the series.

“Spock,” meanwhile, hits my fix for enjoyable music paired with lots of violence. One of the most striking things about this scene is that Hap & Leonard plays the entire song–and it’s not a short one, either, over five minutes of faux-80’s electronica. It works well too, moving from offbeat humor to serious tension, as Jimmi Simpson–one of TV’s greatest Weird Guys–enthusiastically white boy dances at a wholly inappropriate moment before sitting down and ominously threatening to torture {spoiler redacted} until he gets what he wants. It’s a fun, sinister scene, and it’s impressive how well the song beats and the scene beats pair together.

Honorable Mentions: “Bunsen Burner” – Cuts (Person of Interest); “Metamorphosis: Metamorphosis One” – Philip Glass (Person of Interest); “The Day the World Went Away” – Nine Inch Nails (Person of Interest); “Do I Move You” – Nina Simone (Person of Interest); “No Wow” – The Kills (Person of Interest); “Wild Ones” – Bahari -(Teen Wolf); “Blow Up the Outside World” – Alex Clare (Teen Wolf); “Friday I’m In Love” – The Cure (iZombie); “A New Season” – Galavant Cast (Galavant); “Ghost” – The Acid (How To Get Away With Murder); “Lights of the Seven” – Ramin Djawadi (Game of Thrones); “Hear Me Roar” – Ramin Djawadi (Game of Thrones); “Add It Up” – Violent Femmes (The 100); “Thousand Eyes” – Of Monsters And Men (The 100)

MOST FABULOUS FASHION

TIE!

Kira’s Sword-Belt (Teen Wolf) and Barbara’s Arkham Asylum Dress (Gotham)

First, apologies for the totally gratuitous shot of Kira’s butt there. I just really wanted a picture of the belt in belt-form because this thing is amazing. It is a sword-belt. Is a belt that literally turns into a sword. There are no physics imaginable that would make this thing work, and I don’t give a damn. It is glorious, and I want it NOW.

On the other hand, there’s Barbara’s Arkham Asylum Dress, and people, I don’t even watch Gotham anymore; I gave up (again) halfway through this season with no plans to give the show a third chance, and I would still potentially cosplay Barbara because this is simultaneously the most amazing, hilarious, and surprisingly fashionable dress I have ever seen. It is gloriously ridiculous.

Honorable Mentions: Cersei’s “The Winds of Winter” costume (Game of Thrones); Ward’s Matrix-Inspired Coat of Evil (Agents of SHIELD); Blaine’s picnic blanket (iZombie); Liv’s crime scene tape dress (iZombie); Chrisjen’s Walking Through Snow outfit (The Expanse); Alex’s blonde wig (Supergirl); Peggy’s red sunglasses (Agent Carter); Peggy’s red dress (Agent Carter); Amberle’s dress/accompanying elf jewelry (The Shannara Chronicles); Amanita’s amazing hair (Sense8); Colonial Root (Person of Interest); Ballerina Root (Person of Interest); Root’s bunny slippers (Person of Interest); Basically anything Joan wears – but especially her coat in “Up to Heaven and Down to Hell”); Basically anything Angel wears – but especially her black leather outfit and Ziggy Stardust inspired makeup (Hap & Leonard); Helena’s raccoon hat (Orphan Black); White Canary outfit (Legends of Tomorrow)

FAVORITE SIDEKICK

Ravi (iZombie)

Picking Favorite Sidekick is always a pain in the ass. For one, there are too many good ones. For another, it’s not always easy to draw the line between what constitutes sidekick: are they truly playing second fiddle to the hero, or are they simply a different hero? It’s subjective, is what I’m saying.

Ravi, though, is definitely Liv’s sidekick, and while he already tied for this award last year, I adore him just as much—if not more—in the show’s second season. He’s hilarious, intelligent, and a giant nerd, not to mention the damn sexy accent, of course. (What? It’s a vital part of playing a sidekick. Stop judging me!) He also has a few small serious moments towards the end of this season; they’re brief, but played brilliantly.

Despite the sheer number of great sidekicks right now, I suspect that Ravi will remain the guy to beat so long as iZombie remains on air.

Honorable Mentions: John (Killjoys); Amanita (Sense8); Cisco (Flash); Jarvis (Agent Carter); Foggy (Daredevil); Felix (Orphan Black); Amos (The Expanse); Richard (Galavant); Malcolm (Jessica Jones); Bullock (Gotham); Oliver (How to Get Away With Murder); Rose (Agent Carter); Mason (Teen Wolf); Dot (Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries); Noah (Scream)

SCENE STEALER

Lyanna Mormont (Game of Thrones)

No question here. There are currently a bunch of fierce women right now vying for power in Game of Thrones, but if it were up to me? 10-year-old badass Lyanna Mormont would rule Westeros. You can’t say the kingdom wouldn’t be better off.

I swear to God, GoT. Don’t you kill her. I WILL FUCKING RIOT.

Honorable Mentions: Amanita (Sense8); Hernando (Sense8); the Android (Dark Matter); Mac (Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries); Amos (The Expanse); Mason (Teen Wolf); Rose (Agent Carter); Oliver (How to Get Away With Murder); Claire (Daredevil); Fiona (Elementary); Denise (The Walking Dead); Marcus (Elementary); Nora & Ren (RWBY); Cat (Supergirl); Tad Cooper (Galavant)

MOST IMPROVED CHARACTER

Captain Cold and Heat Wave (Legends of Tomorrow)

They come as a team. They totally count as one.

It’s not that I hated Captain Cold and Heat Wave before. They were sort of funny, in their ridiculously over the top way, but sometimes I found their absurdity more annoying than amusing, and I thought making them main players on Legends of Tomorrow was just a recipe for disaster.

But I was wrong because Captain Cold and Heat Wave were consistently one of the best things about Legends (well, them and Sara Lance, anyway), and they made watching that show slightly more bearable.

Honorable Mentions: Barbara (Gotham); Two (Dark Matter); Felicity (Arrow); Ezekiel Jones (The Librarians); J’onn J’onzz (Supergirl); Iris (The Flash); Sansa (Game of Thrones)

WORST FEMALE CHARACTER

TIE!

Caitlin Snow (The Flash) and Kendra Saunders (Legends of Tomorrow)

I just couldn’t pick between them.

Caitlin wasn’t my favorite character in the first season of The Flash, but good Lord, did she get worse in Season 2. Her storylines are terrible: they pretty much always and only revolve around a man, and while Ronnie was at least understandable, her insta-romance with Jay was pretty poorly handled. They had zero chemistry, not to mention that time when–moderate spoiler–Caitlin found out that Jay was slowly dying, and immediately made his illness all about her. And then there was that time where Caitlin suddenly became kind of a racist? Yeah. This was not her best season.

Meanwhile, Legends of Tomorrow has Kendra, and admittedly, I was annoyed from the very beginning that I wasn’t getting the Hawkgirl I wanted from JLU. Disappointment aside, however, there was no reason Kendra had to be this bad. And yet even in a show as deeply uneven as Legends, Kendra is easily identifiable as the worst part of it. Her stories also almost entirely revolve around men (and lord, are those romances lackluster indeed), and she makes SERIOUSLY questionable decisions near the end of the season. And by questionable, I mean she’s wrong, she’s wrong, holy shit, she’s wrong.

Berlanti does a lot of things right when it comes to superheroes, but his shitty handling of female characters remains a serious problem for me on almost every one of his shows.

Honorable Mentions: Robyn (Jessica Jones); Five (Dark Matter)

BEST FEMALE CHARACTER

TIE!

Raven (The 100) and Root (Person of Interest)

There are so many awesome women on TV right now. I couldn’t just pick one.

In a show that’s featured a lot of interesting and badass women, Raven still manages to standout. She is tough and intelligent and doesn’t take shit from anyone; blessedly, she also never comes off as whiny or petulant, the way some young characters are written on television. (Cough, cough, anyone on a Greg Berlanti show.) Raven has a great arc this season, tying her struggle with chronic pain to the evil, world-killing ALIE, and Lindsey Morgan’s performance has been especially great. Clarke’s fine and all, but level-headed Raven is the best. Raven is the one I’d follow into battle.

Meanwhile, Root has been a fascinating character on Person of Interest for multiple seasons, due to great writing and a phenomenal performance by Amy Acker, but I may love her even more in the show’s final year. Always funny and often violent, Root’s grown a lot over the course of four seasons, and her relationships with Shaw, Finch, and the Machine give us such a nuanced look at her character. She is passionate and damaged and spectacular. I’m going to miss the hell out of her and this show.

Honorable Mentions: Malia (Teen Wolf); Lydia (Teen Wolf); Melissa (Teen Wolf); Dutch (Killjoys); the Android (Dark Matter); Dot (Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries); Annalise (How to Get Away With Murder); Laurel (How to Get Away With Murder); Naomi (The Expanse); Chrisjen (The Expanse); Lexa (The 100); Denise (The Walking Dead); Carol (The Walking Dead); Karen (Daredevil); Sansa (Game of Thrones); Cersei (Game of Thrones); Arya (Game of Thrones); Daenyrs (Game of Thrones); Amanita (Sense8); Rose (Agent Carter); Whitney Frost (Agent Carter); Peggy Carter (Agent Carter); Jessica (Jessica Jones); Trish (Jessica Jones), Nomi (Sense8); Joan (Elementary); Shaw (Person of Interest); Yang (RWBY); Pyrrah (RWBY); Nora (RWBY); Cat (Supergirl)

FAVORITE NEW CHARACTER (ON A PRE-EXISTING SHOW)

Harrison Wells, Earth 2 (The Flash)

Okay, I hear you, people who think I’m cheating, but I’m not: Harrison Wells 2.0 might be played by Tom Cavanagh, but he’s literally an entirely different guy than he was in first season. And he is THE BEST. I love pretty much everything about him: his sarcasm, his taste in music, his near inability to call anyone but Barry by their first name. And the combination of him and Cisco? Oh my God. Pure magic. Such utter joy.

Honorable Mentions: Rosalind (Agents of SHIELD); Morland (Elementary); Patty (The Flash); Whitney Frost (Agent Carter); Jesus (The Walking Dead); Fiona (Elementary); Damien Darkh (Arrow); Curtis (Arrow); Hugo Strange (Gotham); Punisher (Daredevil); Agent Bozzio (iZombie); Lady Mormont (Game of Thrones)

BEST BROMANCE

Harold Finch & John Reese (Person of Interest)

Stilted and reserved, Finch and Reese nonetheless have a lovely relationship that, over the course of five seasons, smoothly moves from employer/employee to partnership to obvious (if rarely verbally acknowledged) BFFs, and the last episode of the series gave that relationship a fitting and perfect conclusion. I’ve just re-watched all of Season 1 on Netflix, and seeing how their understated bromance has grown has been really enjoyable.

Honorable Mentions: Ravi & Major (iZombie); Hap & Leonard (Hap & Leonard); Scott & Stiles (Teen Wolf 5B); Galavant & Richard (Galavant); Tyrion & Varys (Game of Thrones); Captain Cold and Heat Wave (Legends of Tomorrow)

BEST LADYMANCE

Trish & Jessica (Jessica Jones)

For as many awesome female characters as there are on television, there is a surprising lack of good female friendship stories to be found. Or any female friendship stories, honestly, since so many shows seem loathe to have an actual subplot where two women are involved. TV and Hollywood are heavily invested in the bromance, and there are a few quite decent platonic relationships if you know where to look, but it can be hard to find quality girl friendship stories if your favorite genres are action, fantasy, sci-fi, and horror.

That’s why Jessica and Trish’s fucking AMAZEBALLS friendship was such a welcome relief. These two have such a wonderful, intricate, and powerful dynamic. I was so impressed with both of them (especially Trish, TBH, who almost made Favorite Female Character a three-way tie), and it’s a huge factor in my love of the show. So if Jessica Jones Season 2 does a Daredevil and needlessly fucks it all up, I swear to God, I will flip my shit, and YOU will all suffer for it.

Honorable Mentions: Audrey & Emma (Scream); Liv and Peyton (iZombie)

BEST PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP

Joan & Sherlock (Elementary); Root & Finch (Person of Interest); John & Dutch (Killjoys)

Speaking of three-way ties.

Sherlock & Joan and Root & Finch tied for this award last year, for reasons that have not largely changed. I can’t imagine there’s a single fan of Elementary who actually watches the show for its procedural cases; they watch it for Sherlock and Joan’s relationship, which is regularly funny, moving, and more than a bit interdependent. Root and Finch, meanwhile, have a considerably more complicated friendship, but it is, in its own way, very sweet and quite powerful, especially in this last season.

Finally, John and Dutch, the newcomers, are pretty much the epitome of the perfect platonic relationship. Like Sherlock and Joan, John and Dutch both work and live together, and there is not even the slightest hit of UST between them. They are much more like siblings; in fact, at one point, John picks Dutch over his actual sibling because their lives are so intertwined and she’s become so much more important to him. And the scene with them reading John’s comic? Perfection.

The first season of Killjoys made it very clear that John and Dutch aren’t heading anywhere romantic. If that changes further down the line, I will NOT be pleased. Fill in your own screaming with rage GIF here.

Honorable Mentions: Noah & Audrey (Scream); Michaela & Connor (How To Get Away With Murder); Naomi & Amos (The Expanse); Liv & Ravi (iZombie); Liv and Clive (iZombie); Peggy & Jarvis (Agent Carter); Mac & Daisy (Agents of SHIELD)

BEST SIBLING RELATIONSHIP

Kara and Alex (Supergirl)

While the show has improved greatly since it began, I can’t pretend that I enjoy Supergirl either consistently or nearly as much as other people do. However, one of the things I do like about the series is how close Kara and Alex are. I wasn’t sure about this at first, but ultimately it feels like their sisterhood is the heart of the show, rather than, say, Kara’s deeply boring love life, which makes for a welcome change. Moreover, it’s also refreshing to see a pair of sisters who aren’t just awful, petty little bitches to one another all the time. The Total Opposite/We Can’t Stand Each Other thing gets really old after a while. I deeply prefer Kara and Alex’s more positive bond instead.

Honorable Mentions: Jon and Sansa (Game of Thrones); Ruby and Yang (RWBY); John and D’avin (Killjoys)

BEST DYNAMIC DUO

Cisco and Harry (The Flash)

I’ve defined Best Dynamic Duo a few different ways in the past, but from now on take it to mean the best relationship between two or more characters that isn’t quite a friendship, or falls somewhere between friendship and ship-ship. Basically any dynamic that’s awesome but not easily categorized. There are some great dynamic duos on TV, but as previously mentioned, Cisco and Harry are just the BEST.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’d give serious pause about continuing to watch The Flash if either Carlos Valdes or Tom Cavanagh left. And it’s not like there aren’t other actors or characters I enjoy (Jesse L. Martin, obviously, is a goddamn treasure), but even when Caitlin is being Caitlin or Iris’s storylines continue to disappoint or Barry has yet another ridiculously stupid plan, I still find myself eager to watch The Flash every Tuesday simply because I enjoy The Harry and Cisco Show so much. They are snarky and grumpy and hysterical together, and I will be very unhappy if The Flash decides to abandon this dynamic in Season 3.

Honorable Mentions: Stiles & Lydia (Teen Wolf); Nomi & Will (Sense8); Claire & Jessica (Jessica Jones) Ren & Nora (RWBY)

BEST SINGLE EPISODE GUEST SPOT

Grant Gustin (Supergirl)

(Just for clarification: I’m specifying Best Single Episode Guest Spot to mean a single episode this season, not this show. It doesn’t make a difference for Barry, but it does for some of the Honorable Mentions.)

I have concerns about Supergirl moving to CW, namely what that means for Calista Flockhart’s involvement in the show (because oh my God, we NEED her, we need her ALL THE TIME), but hopefully it means that there are more Barry and Kara crossovers, since the sheer joy of this episode, I mean, damn. People talk about how light and happy Supergirl is, how they feel good watching it, and I want to be one of those people too, but since so many characters regularly annoy me, it’s hard to really get those feel-good fuzzies . . . but this episode was perfect, exactly what I want Supergirl and The Flash to be. Grant Gustin and Melissa Benoist were wonderful on screen together, just charming and delightful, and not for nothing–they had far more chemistry with one another than either have with their respective current love interests. I’m telling you: I kind of ship it.

Honorable Mentions: Rob Thomas (iZombie); Kristen Bell (iZombie); Ato Essandoh (Elementary); John DeLancie (The Librarians); Wil Wheaton (Dark Matter); Jimmi Simpson (Person of Interest); Annie Ilonzeh (Person of Interest); Cicely Tyson (How To Get Away With Murder)

BEST MULTI-EPISODE GUEST SPOT

TIE!

Bella Ramsey (Game of Thrones) & Betty Gilpin (Elementary)

We’ve already discussed Lady Mormont and why she’s so awesome, but I’ll take this time to also point out that Bella Ramsey, so effectively commanding and badass, is only twelve-years-old. So, you know. Good luck feeling pride in your life accomplishments.

Meanwhile, I’ve also really enjoyed Betty Gilpin as Fiona on Elementary. I liked her right from the start, and I thought she and Jonny Lee Miller had great chemistry in that one scene with the cats, so you can imagine my delight when she returned as Sherlock’s primary love interest. I ship Sherlock/Fiona pretty hard, like, way harder than I ship Barry and Kara. A lot of Hollywood/TV romances don’t quite work for me–as most of you are undoubtedly aware of by now. I like some, of course, but others are terrible, boring, forced, or just so generic that I feel like I can’t relate to them. You know, they all hit the same beats. Everybody responds the same way. Sherlock and Fiona, though, have something of a different sort of romance, and I find that engaging and even a bit relieving on both a creative and a personal level. I hope like hell Fiona is back next season, preferably in considerably more episodes, because I like her quite a bit.

Honorable Mentions: Enrico Colantoni (Person of Interest); BD Wong (Gotham); Cameron Monaghan (Gotham); Robert Knepper (iZombie); Eddie Jemison (iZombie); Bridget Regan (Agent Carter); Ken Marino (Agent Carter); Lesley Boone (Agent Carter); Mayko Nguyen (Killjoys); Natalia Cordova-Buckley (AoS)

FAVORITE SUPERHERO OR SUPERHERO-ADJACENT SHOW

Agent Carter

I watch a lot of superhero shows. At least half of them are regularly frustrating. But Agent Carter remains (or, rather, remained . . . RIP, Agent Carter) consistently solid and entertaining throughout, with great dialogue, lots of humor, kickass women, and a wonderful cast led by the phenomenal Hayley Atwell. I will miss the hell out of this show; in fact, it’s also winning for MOST PAINFUL CANCELLATION, primarily because I feel like there was so much more story to tell. Only two seasons? That’s criminal, ABC. That’s criminal

Honorable Mentions for Favorite Superhero or Superhero-Adjacent: Agents of SHIELD, The Flash, Jessica Jones

Honorable Mentions for Most Painful Cancellation: Person of Interest, Key & Peele, Galavant

MOST IMPROVED SHOW

Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones never got awful, exactly, but–not unlike the books–Seasons 4 and 5 were not its strongest: besides feeling a bit slow, certain elements in the last season annoyed the holy shit out of me, to the point that I wasn’t actually all that excited when April came around and Game of Thrones came back.

But that changed once Season 6 actually started because Game of Thrones decided to pick up the pace fast. While it did occasionally feel a bit too rushed at times (I don’t understand, did everybody learn how to teleport over summer break, or what?), it was nonetheless the most exciting season we’ve had since Season 3. HUGE plot developments happened this year. Stories came together, incredible battles were fought, multiple storylines improved, and Jesus Christ, how many major players died in the season finale alone?

Last June I was sort of relieved I could stop tuning into Game of Thrones for a while. This year, I’m like, “Goddamn it, why is April so far awaaaaaaaaaay?”

Honorable Mentions: Teen Wolf 5A, Galavant, Orphan Black

LEAST IMPROVED SHOW

The X-Files

Daredevil, let me tell you: you dodged a fucking bullet.

There was nothing, nothing, I despised like the tenth season of The X-Files. While I’m prepared to accept the possibility that the show was never as good as I remember it being (the power of nostalgia, or whatever), there were definitely at least some great episodes, and anyway, I simply can’t imagine it was this bad.

But the tenth season of The X-Files was some of the worst television I’ve ever seen. I liked exactly one out of the six episodes that aired. Of the five lousy episodes: one was dull, another rushed and cloying, and then there were the last three, which were abysmal, full of huge retcons, insane plot conveniences, stories that made no sense whatsoever, and the occasional racist stereotype, just for good measure. It’s embarrassing, how bad these episodes were, and it’s even more embarrassing that all three were written and directed by the show’s creator, Chris Carter.

I don’t know if this show is ever coming back, but I have absolutely no plans to return myself unless Chris Carter has nothing to do with its future incarnations. And even then, I’m still not sure. It was pretty atrocious.

Honorable Mentions: Daredevil, Teen Wolf Season 5B, How To Get Away With Murder

MOST DISAPPOINTING NEW SHOW

Legends of Tomorrow

I’ll admit, I wasn’t totally jazzed about Legends of Tomorrow when I first heard about it; the initial promos left me a bit cold, and I’m not sure I would have bothered to check it out if I didn’t already watch Arrow and The Flash. So, let’s be clear here: it’s not like I had this show on a pedestal made out of moonbeams and hope: this isn’t another Almost Human, or anything.

No, the reason I find Legends so disappointing is that it has so much potential and keeps failing to make good on any of it. An exciting idea will be thrown over the plate, and the show will weakly bunt the fucker every time. An epic romance spanning thousands of incarnations and years? Yawn. Whiny, unconvincing, and dull. The immortal Big Bad who personally refrigerated the lead hero’s wife and child? Double yawn. Zero presence or charisma. The thousand interesting places and times your characters could go when they’re on a time-traveling ship? Predictable. So damn predictable. The team dynamics rarely make sense and the characters are regularly making decisions so stupid that I’m left shaking with rage.

Legends DOES have a few characters I enjoy and some good moments here or there, but this is, at best, a C show that could easily be an A with someone else at the helm.

Honorable Mentions: Scream Queens, Quantico, Lucifer, Scream

FAVORITE NEW SHOW

Killjoys

What’s funny about Killjoys is that I heard almost nothing about the show before it aired. I came across it completely by accident; Dark Matter was the show I’d actually been looking forward to. I only checked it out at all because I happened to catch a short trailer on Syfy and was pleasantly surprised to see Aaron Ashmore, who I adored on Warehouse 13. I don’t know if I was really expecting much, but I’m a sucker for space operas and bounty hunters, so I decided, Sure, I’ll try this out, I guess.

There were bigger genre shows that came out this year, and arguably better ones too. But Killjoys gave me basically everything I could ever want from a space opera: a kickass heroine, a great platonic friendship, complicated family dynamics, instant chemistry between leads, intriguing world building, awesome team building, a talking ship, pretty costumes, witty banter, and a bunch of fight scenes and shit getting blown up. It’s one of the most fun shows on TV; in fact, it also wins for MOST ANTICIPATED SHOW RETURN, which is kind of of funny, considering the second season has just started. Although, due to technical difficulties (like my malfunctioning satellite and total bullshit internet access), I haven’t actually been able to watch it yet as of this writing, which, yes, is driving me totally mad. (Hopefully this atrocity will be rectified by the time this post appears, or else just assume I’m in tears.)

Honorable Mentions for Favorite New Show: Jessica Jones, The Expanse, Sense8

Honorable Mentions for Most Anticipated Show Return: The Librarians, iZombie, Game of Thrones, The Expanse

Okay, that it’s for the mild spoilers. We’re getting into the Big Kids League in three . . . two . . . one . . .

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

Last warning, children. We’re going to jump straight into it starting . . .

. . . now.

BEST DEATH

John Reese – Person of Interest

This was hard, guys. There were a lot of great deaths this year, from karmic to badass to shocking to heartbreaking. But ultimately I had to go with Mr. Reese’s last stand on Person of Interest, which, if you were wondering, fits squarely into that last category. I’ve watched it two times now and have dissolved into a big bucket of tears both times. It’s so immensely well-executed: the gorgeous Philip Glass music, the Machine spending its last moment at John’s side, John’s smile as Finch walks away. Mr. Reese, never one to be stopped by a mere bullet or five, eventually does fall due to his multiple gunshot wounds, but the poor bastard is still alive when the missile–yes, the missile–hits. It sounds almost ludicrously over the top when I write it out like that, but it’s a beautifully tragic scene and a fitting end for the Man in the Suit.

Honorable Mentions: Ramsay (Game of Thrones); Hodor (Game of Thrones); Walder Frey (Game of Thrones); High Sparrow (Game of Thrones); Donovan (Teen Wolf); Theo (Teen Wolf); Dr. Valek (Teen Wolf); Will (Scream); Vaughn (iZombie); Root (Person of Interest)

BIGGEST “JIMMY, NOOOOOOOOO!” MOMENT

TIE!!!!!!

Root (Person of Interest) and Sinclair (The 100)

Root, of course, was always going to take this award. During an especially badass car chase, Root dies saving Finch’s life, and—heartbreakingly—the Machine chooses to take her voice, which was nicely set up and revealed. It’s a fitting choice, but it’s still a kick straight to the feels. Considering Root tied for Favorite Female Character, her loss hits especially hard.

Sinclair, meanwhile, is a considerably smaller character and never really stood a chance at survival, especially since he was both a mentor to Raven and, for a time, the only grown-up character with the group of kids. Obviously, his death was imminent. It was only a matter of time. But the scene itself was so incredibly sad: Sinclair was stabbed trying to protect Raven and dies while repeatedly, almost deliriously, telling her to get back in the SUV. The last thing that poor man sees is his attacker dragging Raven away, so not only does Sinclair sacrifice his life for Raven, he’s denied even the knowledge that she escaped to safety. It was horribly depressing, and the fact that I have a soft spot for Alessandro Juliani made it even worse.

Honorable Mentions: Pyrrha (RWBY); Lexa (The 100); Elias (Person of Interest); John (Person of Interest); Hodor (Game of Thrones); Margaery (Game of Thrones); Glenn (The Walking Dead); Denise (The Walking Dead); Gilda (iZombie); Captain Cold (Legends of Tomorrow)

WORST PLAN

TIE!

Kendra chooses to not kill Vandal Savage because (supposedly) only Savage can de-brainwash Carter (Legends of Tomorrow); Barry agrees to Zoom’s terrible One Last Race plan, even though if he loses every other world in the multi-verse will be destroyed (The Flash); Rick decides to bring all of his heavy hitters on the road trip to Hilltop, leaving Alexandria in the capable hands of Father Gabriel. (The Walking Dead)

I narrowed it down to these three, and then just gave up.

A. Kendra regularly annoyed me on Legends of Tomorrow, but I straight up was like “Oh, HELL no” when she decided not to kill Vandal Savage, even though the entire reason everyone teamed up in the first place was to kill the evil immortal bastard before he could takeover the entire world. You need a very good reason not to murder Vandal Savage at this point; a brainwashed Carter Hall is absolutely NOT that reason. Partially that’s because Carter’s pretty unlikable, and I doubt anyone in the audience cared if he was cured or not. But it’s especially frustrating because our heroes have, you know, a time-traveling spaceship at their disposal; you’d think at least one of them might realize, “Hey, I bet someone somewhere has conquered brainwashing without the assistance of Vandal Savage. Maybe back in Star City; after all, people be getting brainwashed there left and right.”

And for Christ’s sake, Kendra’s only keeping Carter alive in the short-term anyway with this decision. After all, Vandal has to keep murdering every incarnation of Kendra and Carter to maintain his immortality, so yeah, I guess sparing Vandal’s life makes sense, if you’re cool with the fact that he’ll inevitably murder Carter five seconds after curing him.

B. Meanwhile, Zoom–you know, the bad guy–proposes that he and Flash settle their feud like men, or speedsters: whoever wins this one big race wins it all. It doesn’t exactly take a genius to figure out that the race is some kind of trap: in this case, it turns out that the combined speed of Zoom and Flash running long enough will cause some kind of devastating breach of the space-time continuum (or something) and destroy an infinite number of worlds. Let me say that again: an INFINITE number of worlds. And yes, Barry had a secret plan all along to trick Zoom. That’s swell. But Barry also didn’t bother to run that plan by anybody else on his team, either, and can you even imagine the sheer hubris that takes? Can you imagine how many people would have died if he had miscalculated, or if Zoom saw through his deceit, or any number of things that could have gone wrong with Barry’s shitty plan?

Try to think of it this way: as of 2013, the Earth had just over 7 billion people living on it. (At least, according to Google.) Do me a favor and multiply 7 billion by a 100. Then multiply by it another 100. Do it one more time, and then add 40, just for shits and giggles. Then subtract the measly seven billion who would have survived the total destruction of the multi-verse, and the number you come up with might give you some measure of how many people’s lives Barry actually put on the line . . . and even then, not really, because infinite means we can’t actually calculate the number of worlds or people who would have imploded had Barry failed. That’s right, Barry’s plan sucks so hard that it basically breaks mathematics.

C. Finally, we have The Walking Dead, and–look, I understand that Maggie’s incredibly conveniently-timed Pregnancy Illness needed to be treated by an OB/GYN, and the only one lives at Hilltop. That’s fine. But getting to Hilltop is a lot harder when you’ve seriously pissed off a group of big bad fuckers who do not mess around, isn’t it, Rick?

The truth about the apocalypse is that people have to make a lot of shitty choices. Maggie and the baby might well have died if they had stayed at Alexandria, and while that sucks, it’s still probably the safest option for the majority of the community. That being said, that’s a pretty damn cold choice to make, and I’m not going to say for sure I could have made it. So, yes, I totally could’ve been okay with one or two people trying to get Maggie to medical attention. But for every single big hitter that’s currently at Alexandria to go with her on what’s very likely a suicide mission, leaving the rest of the community with no real fighters and under the leadership of Father Gabriel? Dude, NO. I know the guy helped fight one time, in the show’s hideously rushed attempt at a redemption arc, but he’s also still the dude who let his entire congregation get eaten by zombies just to save himself. Father Gabriel has absolutely not proven himself worthy of leadership responsibilities just yet. This is an even worse plan than going after Negan in the first place, and that plan sucked donkey balls too!

Honorable Mentions: Rick’s group murdering a bunch of people in their sleep while trying to assassinate an evil man who they’ve never laid eyes on and who hasn’t tried to hurt them yet (The Walking Dead); Carl leaving Enid trapped in a closet (The Walking Dead); Barry entirely rewriting time to save his mother (The Flash); Harry giving Barry back his powers by redoing the particle accelerator experiment (The Flash); Team Flash immediately telling a stranger about Firestorm and then quickly trying to merge this stranger with Stein without bothering for followup interviews (The Flash); Barry taking Alternate Barry’s place in Earth 2 to see what the GCPD knows and then spending zero time at the GCPD (The Flash); Ray opening the door to fight Vandal Savage (Legends of Tomorrow); Lydia’s mom sending her daughter to Eichen House (Teen Wolf); Trusting Theo after the events of Season 5A, MALIA (Teen Wolf); Scott using Hayden as bait to try and capture a Dread Doctor (Teen Wolf); Johnny stupidly inserting the mental link device into his own head (Killjoys); Jim asking for a favor from Penguin (Gotham); Military creating a robot that will freak out if hit too hard, before asking Supergirl to hit it (Supergirl); Alex insisting on coming back to fight in finale, even though humans are being insta-brainwashed there (Supergirl); Sarah going alone to the island (Orphan Black); Girl requesting help from Facebook as she’s being murdered (Scream Queens); Just chilling out on a bridge when you’ve pissed off the Face-Changing League of Assassins (Game of Thrones); Reese refusing to tell Fusco about the Machine for WAY too long (Person of Interest); Oliver giving a hope speech like that will somehow avert the nuclear attack (Arrow)

WORST WTF MOMENT

Flash’s Dad Leaves After Prison (The Flash), Mulder Sorta-Shrooms His Way Into Answers (The X-Files), Lydia’s Mistletoe Stuff Head Is Never Addressed (Teen Wolf)

I know. I know. Another three-way tie? I’m sorry, kids, but I’m afraid that’s just how it had to be today.

I was insanely angry when Barry’s Dad got out of prison and immediately left town because, like, he’d get in the way of Barry being a hero or something. Not because I had much investment in Henry Allen hanging around, but because–from the depths of my soul–I did not believe it. I did not believe that a man who has been separated from his one and only son (save some jail time visits) for, what, 15 or 20 years, would just abandon his kid the day after. And making it about Barry being a hero? That’s just the worst kind of ridiculous bullshit, the kind of reasoning that only happens with characters, never actual people.

Meanwhile, Mulder psychically connects to a brain dead terrorist by merely taking shrooms in his presence, which is just bullshit on a whole other level–and it only gets worse because it turns out they weren’t real shrooms, so Mulder only psychically connected to this dude through the power of suggestion. It makes no sense. IT MAKES NO SENSE. And maybe I’d be prepared to forgive that (or at least consider it more of an unintentionally hilarious moment rather than a terrible WTF one instead), but Mulder’s vision is far too long and painfully unfunny and just goes to show how out of touch Chris Carter is with modern television.

First, there’s the time when Lydia gets a lobotomy, is about to scream herself (and plenty of other people) to death, and is only saved with Deaton literally shoves a fistful of mistletoe in her head. The thing is, that’s not even the WTF Moment I’m complaining about. That’s just total Teen Wolf weirdness. I accept that. My problem is how no one ever addresses it again, like Lydia just shows up to school the next day with a great outfit and perfect hair, like she didn’t just have a mistletoe-cured lobotomy. I can only assume that she has to be careful about never tipping her head to the side, lest the mistletoe just start sprinkling out.  (This also wins Lydia THE RESSLER AWARD, given to the character who recovers from a serious injury ridiculously fast. Amusingly, Lydia was competing with herself here, because in 5A she got stabbed in one episode and was learning jiu-jitsu the next; also worth mentioning: Arya, for getting herself stabbed and then parkouring off rooftops after a single patch job in Game of Thrones)

Honorable Mentions for Worst WTF Moment: The multiple births scene (Sense8); Alfred slaps Selina (Gotham); Nobody warns the Grounders after Pike goes free, even though they all know what he’s going to do (The 100); Caitlyn is suddenly borderline racist (The Flash); The government is behind the abductions is all along (The X-Files); Dana Scully has no time for reason (The X-Files)

Also, a Special Honorary Honorable Mention will go to NCIS, a show I don’t actually watch anymore but definitely deserves a WTF mention here for killing off Ziva, and not just killing her, but doing it OFF SCREEN, just so Tony has a reason to leave NCIS: he has to go raise their secret love child. Yup. They killed off Ziva for the most cliche bullshit ever. Fuck you, NCIS.

BEST WTF MOMENT

Enter King Shark (The Flash)

Clearly, The Flash irritates me sometimes, but one of the things I genuinely appreciate about this show is how it never shies away from the weird comic shit that you think no one on TV will have the balls to pull off. Another show might have made King Shark, like, a street name or something, but not The Flash. Nope, they actually had a shark man menacing the streets of Central City. That’s just amazing.

Honorable Mentions: Donovan’s lamprey-wendigo teeth (Teen Wolf); the Sensate orgy (Sense8), the co-ed Arkham Asylum, where everyone wears old-timey black and white striped prison uniforms (Gotham); Dr. Strange’s therapeutic techniques; (Gotham) Donnie, Allison, and “two spicy meatballs” (Orphan Black)

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS MOMENT

Naked Parrish Hangs Out At The Library (Teen Wolf)

As a general rule, Teen Wolf tends to do pretty well in this category. Seasons 5A and 5B provided ample opportunities for unintentionally funny moments, but possibly the one that made me laugh the most was when Parrish, naked and hurt, is just sort of sitting between the stacks of the school library. He’s really not making all that much effort at hiding, and yet all the students just happen pass him by; only Lydia, naturally, happens to see him. It’s hard to describe with words, just how funny this, but please trust me. I was cracking up.

Honorable Mentions: Emma hallucinates Split-Head Will (Scream); Scully’s super messy surgeries (The X-Files); ALIEN DNA (The X-Files); Team Flash’s total nonchalance about the dead body at Star Labs (The Flash); Kara and Alex barely eating pizza (Supergirl); Whitney Frost doesn’t notice the giant cannon behind her (Agent Carter); Oliver gives inspirational speech during nuclear strike instead of doing anything practical (Arrow); Zayde Wolf’s cover of “Save Tonight” (Teen Wolf); Mr. Yukimura goes free because “no body, no crime” (Teen Wolf); Allison’s French-Jamaican accent (Teen Wolf); Invisible Corey just chilling during the big battle (Teen Wolf)

BEST BOO-YAH MOMENT

TIE!

Trish Takes Super Pills and Kicks Ass (Jessica Jones) and Sansa Feeds Ramsay To His Own Dogs (Game of Thrones)

Trish is pretty awesome right from the start–and what a relief that was; I was definitely concerned she’d be Super Annoying Friend Who Doesn’t Understand Priorities–but the moment when she takes Simpson’s Super Pills and kicks the shit out of him down the hallway? That. Was So. AWESOME. In fact, it might even have won outright if it had lasted a little bit longer. (Still, that “worth it” moment? I was SO into that.)

Meanwhile, Sansa getting revenge on Ramsay was one of those moments that GoT viewers have been waiting a long, long time for. It doesn’t make up for the gratuitous rape shit that happened last season, IMO, but it was still deeply satisfying. It’s so lovely to see a) Ramsay finally dead, and b) Sansa finally getting an active role in her own storylines this season.

Honorable Mentions: John killing Level 6 mutant (Killjoys); Dot getting the Catholic priest to change his mind about the wife’s role in a marriage (Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries); Joan telling Morland she won’t let him hurt Sherlock (Elementary); Lydia killing Valack by screaming his head open (Teen Wolf); Kira cutting off Tracy’s tail (Teen Wolf); Root taking out bad guy in that epic car chase scene (Person of Interest); Fitz breaking into containment (Agents of SHIELD); Fitz kills Giyera (Agents of SHIELD); May–“a tiny little Asian woman”–kicked bad guy’s ass (Agents of SHIELD); Lexa killing the Ice Queen (The 100); Foggy shuts down the D.A. (Daredevil); Jessica killing Kilgrave (Jessica Jones); Arya killing Walder Frey AFTER feeding his sons to him (Game of Thrones); Dany burning the Khals alive (Game of Thrones) 

WORST TWIST

Mason is The Beast of Gévaudan (Teen Wolf)

I thought for sure Scream had this one in the bag, but honestly? Mason being the Beast is one of the most predictable things I’ve seen on TV, like, ever. There were no other real suspects. And admittedly, I’m not any good at math, but it’s like . . . even I can count to one, you know? I expect better from you, Teen Wolf.

Honorable Mentions: Piper is the Killer (Scream); Jay is Zoom (The Flash); Elektra’s body was taken and put into the totally obvious Resurrection Machine (Daredevil)

BEST TWIST

Hank Henshaw is Martian Manhunter (Supergirl)

Talk about a twist I didn’t see coming until the last possible moment. I was completely blindsided by Hank Henshaw’s true identity and also delighted by it; up until then, he had been an early Chief Asshat contender, a one-note jerk that I was profoundly unimpressed by. This twist gave him some much needed character development. It was also just exciting as a JLU fan; this was absolutely the moment where I was like, “Okay, Supergirl. I’ve been lukewarm so far, but you’ve officially hooked me for at least the season now.”

Honorable Mentions: “Hodor” means “hold the door” (Game of Thrones); Tracy is a kanima (Teen Wolf); Morland was nearly assassinated because he was a potential candidate for taking over for Moriarty (Elementary); the annoying lawyer was already dead when she went off the balcony (How To Get Away With Murder); Ezekiel is stuck in a video game, not Groundhog Day (The Librarians)

FAVORITE VILLAIN

Kilgrave (Jessica Jones)

There are a number of good villains currently on TV, but I don’t think anyone came close to David Tennant’s Purple Man. He was an immensely successful bad guy, partially because he wasn’t anything like other villains we’ve seen from Marvel before, who are generally after revenge, world domination, or both. Kilgrave, meanwhile, actually represents male entitlement and rape culture, and he is fantastically disturbing at times. But he’s also pretty entertaining and often quite funny, which certainly works to make the show a bit easier to watch, but also sort of drives home the point that rapists aren’t just these cardboard cut-outs of Pure Evil that lurk in the shadows and jump out at unsuspecting women. Rapists can be funny or charismatic or even have sympathetic moments; none of that makes them any less rapists.

David Tennant puts so much energy into this performance. He won’t get nominated for any actual awards, of course, but he definitely should.

Honorable Mentions: Ward (Agents of SHIELD); Whitney Frost (Agent Carter); Soldier & Angel (Hap & Leonard); Vaughn (iZombie); Hugo Strange (Gotham); Samaritan (Person of Interest)

WORST VILLAIN

Vandal Savage (Legends of Tomorrow)

No question here. Vandal Savage has very little personality, no charisma, and is not particularly intimidating. In 16 episodes, he did nothing in the least bit interesting or surprising, and his Ultimate Evil Plan was . . . underwhelming, to say the least. Not to mention, he was pretty easily defeated for being an immortal future tyrant dude. Plus, his hair is stupid and his momma dresses him funny.

Honorable Mentions: Piper (Scream); Andrew/Lash (Agents of Shield); Prospero (The Librarians); Astra and Nom (Supergirl); The Hand (Daredevil)

DOWNWARD SPIRAL CHARACTER

TIE!

Bellamy (The 100) & Matt Murdock (Daredevil)

These guys. Oh man, these guys. Their downward spirals are so bad that they also both ended up tying for this year’s CHIEF ASSHAT. Let’s begin with Bellamy.

Bellamy began The 100 a total little asshole, but by the end of the first season had made some serious progress towards redemption, and by the end of Season 2 he was one of the best and morally complex characters on the show. And then Season 3 happened and it all went to hell.

Bellamy slipped back into his Chief Asshat ways, and by Chief Asshat, I mean he helped participate in genocide. The 100 has always been a show about hard choices (this isn’t even the show’s first genocide), but primarily, we’ve been able to understand where our heroes are coming from; they’ve landed somewhere at “morally ambiguous,” not “total fucknut.” But Bellamy’s participation in the Grounder Massacre isn’t nearly well supported enough for me to buy it, turning one of my favorite characters into, essentially, a two-dimensional villain.

Compared to genocide, Matt Murdock really doesn’t seem so bad . . . except that his heel-face turn into Asshat Territory came with even less motivation. At least Bellamy has genuine cause to hate and distrust the Grounders, even if that doesn’t excuse what he does to them. Matt, on the other hand, becomes a giant douchecanoe and ruins his friendship, partnership, case, and whole business for . . . what? Some supposed connection to an ex-girlfriend? Nope, not buying it. Matt falls from hero to total schmuck very, very quickly, and it makes me sad, because while I loved him in Season 1, I sort of hated him in Season 2. I’m sure I’ll watch Daredevil, Season 3–and, of course, The Defenders–but if I’m honest, I am considerably less excited about both than I was this time last year.

Honorable Mentions for Downward Spiral Character: Andrew (Agents of Shield); Jasper (The 100); Mulder and Scully (The X-Files); Sarah (Orphan Black); Ray (Legends of Tomorrow); Caitlyn Snow (Flash)

Honorable Mentions for Chief Asshat: Alfred (Gotham); Lydia’s Mom (Teen Wolf); Scott’s AP Science Teacher (Teen Wolf); Major Lane (Supergirl); Maxwell Lord (Supergirl); Nicholas (The Walking Dead); Jeffrey Blackwell (Person of Interest); High Sparrow (Game of Thrones)

MOST ANNOYING ROMANCE

The Kendra/Carter/Ray Love Triangle (Legends of Tomorrow)

I couldn’t choose between Kendra’s boring ass relationship with Carter and her lame ass relationship with Ray, so I decided to group them together as one because pretty much every second of this love triangle is poorly executed. Kendra and Carter have the epic love story, the soulmates who are drawn to each other again and again, but they have absolutely no chemistry between them. This isn’t helped by the fact that Kendra’s kind of dull, and Carter is pretty much a giant ass. I suspect everyone else cheered when he died to, even knowing he would inevitably have to come back.

Then Kendra and Ray get together way too fast, and their relationship is so ham-fisted that it’s annoying to watch. The show actually does do something smart by stranding them in 1950 for two years, where their relationship can grow naturally off screen . . . but of course this potential is squandered almost immediately. Then Kendra and Ray break up; Ray feels like he’s playing second fiddle to Carter, and Kendra feels like she’s cheating on Carter with Ray. All of this drama falls flat, though, because we rarely ever see Kendra remembering her past lives and certainly never feel this connection she and asshole Carter are supposed to share. And don’t even get me started (again) on the poor life choices both Kendra and Ray make because of their supposed passion.

This didn’t have to be so awful. Actually, there’s a lot of potential for this to be a really exciting love triangle because some super interesting choices are brought up here: soul mate versus chosen partner, free will versus destiny. As is, though, the Kendra/Carter/Ray love triangle was regularly annoying and deeply unconvincing.

Honorable Mentions: Matt & Elektra (Daredevil); Matt & Karen (Daredevil); Hayden & Liam (Teen Wolf); One & Two (Dark Matter), Daisy & Lincoln (Agents of SHIELD); Will and Amberle (Shannara Chronicles); Jay & Caitlin (The Flash); Oliver & Felicity (Arrow); Flynn & Baird (The Librarians); Annalise & Nate (How to Get Away With Murder)

FAVORITE SHIP

Shaw & Root (Person of Interest)

I know. At this point, you guys may be cottoning on to the idea that I enjoyed Person of Interest. Well, don’t worry. You won’t have to hear about it next year because it’s gone. *weeps*

Root and Shaw, you guys. ROOT AND SHAW. It probably will not surprise you to learn that these two also managed to win BEST KISS again. And their ship in this season alone, I mean  . . . Root’s unwavering dedication to find Shaw. Shaw’s repeated (and simulated) suicides to protect Root. Their reunion. A symphony. A straight line. An arrow. Oh, you guys. Oh, my fucking heart.

These two were the best. I know their story ended tragically and that this is an especially troubling trope right now, but I feel like the show still did right by their characters. Root and Shaw were epic. I ship them forever.

Honorable Mentions for Favorite Ship: Jack & Phryne (Miss Fisher); Oliver & Felicity (Arrow); Connor & Oliver (How To Get Away With Murder); Punisher & Page (Daredevil); Clive & Dale (iZombie); Mac & Elena (Agents of Shield); Yang & Blake (RWBY); Barry & Patty (The Flash); Barry & Kara (The Flash/Supergirl); Melissa & The Sheriff (Teen Wolf); Nomi & Amanita (Sense8)

Honorable Mentions for Best Kiss: Phryne & Jack (Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries); Lexa & Clarke (The 100); Peggy & Daniel (Agent Carter)

WORST SEASON FINALE

“My Struggle, Part II” (The X-Files)

Let’s see. Between the pandemic that felt like it came out of nowhere, the episode’s weirdly anti-vaxxer vibe, the blatantly incorrect science, the totally boring sidelining of Mulder, the incredibly repetitious phrase “alien DNA,” and Scully–SCULLY–saying that there wasn’t enough time for reason? Yeah, it would have been quicker to tell you what actually did work about the episode. Here’s that list: NOTHING.

Honorable Mentions: “The Race of His Life” (The Flash); “Better Angels” (Supergirl); “And The Final Curtain” (The Librarians); “Ellcrys” (The Shannara Chronicles); “Legendary” (Legends of Tomorrow)

WORST INDIVIDUAL EPISODE

“Babylon” (The X-Files)

You know, last year I didn’t even bother to make this category. But I did this time, mostly because The X-Files is primarily in competition with itself. That’s how bad the tenth season was.

It was a hard choice, but ultimately I decided to go with “Babylon” as being the worst thing I watched on TV all year. There were a lot of factors in this decision, although that scene with Mulder kinda-sorta-not-really tripping balls was a big part of it; it’s a really bad scene, and the writer in me is just offended by the mere idea that an FBI agent simply taking shrooms near a a brain dead patient is enough for him to psychically connect with said patient, even though the FBI agent has never been psychic before, nor shows any psychic abilities in the future. That’s not a plot hole; that’s a plot fucking canyon. It’s a plot abyss of cavernous despair.

There were, of course, other reasons I despised the episode. The shitty Muslim stereotypes were awful. The thematic shit at the end about faith, or whatever, was very poorly written. And the mysterious trumpet noises that prompted the investigation in the first place were entirely dropped; you know, the thing that would actually make this an X-Files case? Just gone. No explanation whatsoever. The writing in this episode hurts me, you guys. I AM WOUNDED HERE JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

Honorable Mentions: The Race of His Life” (The Flash); “Ellcrys” (The Shannara Chronicles”); “My Struggle Part I” (The X-Files); “My Struggle Part II” (The X-Files)

FAVORITE SEASON FINALE

“return 0”  (Person of Interest)

Any other year, and Game of Thrones probably would have had this one in the bag. But even an episode that packs 18 different awesome plot developments into a single hour has a hard battle against a well done series finale. And “return 0” was an excellent series finale.

Every character was believably in danger at one point or another, but it was ultimately John who died in the lovely sacrifice that I wrote about before. That scene, you guys. THAT SCENE. And the conversations between Finch and the Machine on the rooftop, I mean, holy DAMN. Those were some of the most beautiful moments in the whole show. Finch finally getting to be with Grace. (I’d love to hear how Finch tried to explain that one.) Root’s final message to Shaw. Shaw and Fusco at the diner. And the Machine survives after all, with Shaw (and possibly Fusco) still working for her. The action scenes were nice, but it was the character beats in this one that made “return 0” one of the best series finales I’ve ever seen. It was a lovely, touching conclusion to one of the most amazing SF shows that nobody watched.

Honorable Mentions: “The Winds of Winter” (Game of Thrones); “AKA Smile” (Jessica Jones); “Escape Velocity” (Killjoys); “Critical Mass”/”Leviathan Wakes” (The Expanse); “Dead Beat”/”Salivation Army” (iZombie); “The One True King (To Unite Them All)” (Galavant)

FAVORITE INDIVIDUAL EPISODE

“And The Point of Salvation” (The Librarians)

I know. You were probably suspecting something else from Person of Interest at this point. And there were absolutely nominees from that show, particularly that season finale I just mentioned. But . . . there was something about “And The Point of Salvation” that just worked for me on every single level (pun surprisingly not intended). The video game twist made completely sense but still totally took me by surprise. The story was alternatively hilarious and touching, and maybe best of all, Ezekiel Jones got some much needed character development in a way that I could actually believe. (There’s an especially nice moment between Ezekiel and Baird.) The whole episode was really a delight to watch and easily my favorite of the show thus far.

Honorable Mentions: “return O” (Person of Interest); “The Day The World Went Away” (Person of Interest); “Dead Beat”/“Salvation Army” – iZombie; “AKA Smile” (Jessica Jones); “The Winds of Winter” (Game of Thrones); “Battle of the Bastards” (Game of Thrones); “Beacon of Hope” (Arrow); “Dreamcatchers” (Teen Wolf); “A Novel Approach (Teen Wolf)”; “Aftermath” (Scream); “A Glitch in the System” (Killjoys); “Come the Rain” (Killjoys); “Episode Eleven” (Dark Matter); “Penny and Dime” (Daredevil); “And The Happily Ever Afters” (The Librarians)

Finally, a totally incomplete list of some of my favorite scenes that didn’t quite win anything or I didn’t already talk about, but still deserve some love and/or recognition

Coulson and his team give a silent, moving sendoff to Bobbi & Hunter (Agents of SHIELD)
Fitz breaks into containment (Agents of SHIELD)
Fitz rescues Jemma (Agents of SHIELD)
Jemma crying at dinner (Agent of SHIELD)
Stiles trusts no one/Scott trusts everyone (Teen Wolf)
Scott, Stiles, and Lydia’s hallucination flashbacks (Teen Wolf)
Kira and Lydia investigate (Teen Wolf)
Malia and Kira practice for Eichen break-in (Teen Wolf)
Stiles kills Donovan (Teen Wolf)
Stiles sees an injured Lydia (Teen Wolf)
The Sheriff wakes up at the hospital with Stiles (Teen Wolf)
John yells at D’avin (Killjoys)
Jack gets Phryne off his desk with a spider (Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries)
Annalise tells Nate she won’t pay for her sins by spreading her legs for him (How To Get Away With Murder)
Connor panicking when Annalise is shot (How To Get Away With Murder)
Nomi and Amanita playing Nancy Drew (Sense8)
Frank’s “Penny and Dime” monologue (Daredevil)
Any scene between Karen and Ellison (Daredevil)
Any scene where Oliver cooks or talks about cooking (Arrow)
Pretty much any Oliver/Felicity scene before the baby drama comes out (Arrow)
Sherlock trying to split up their partnership for Joan’s sake, and Joan saying nope in the premiere (Elementary)
Sherlock trying to split up their partnership for Joan’s sake, and Joan saying nope in the finale (Elementary)
Sherlock telling his father that if he had tried to assassinate Morland, Morland wouldn’t be alive (Elementary)
Sherlock and Fiona make-up (Elementary)
Cisco slurping, much to Harry’s annoyance (The Flash)
Cisco making Harry impersonate what Reverse Flash said before he killed Cisco (The Flash)
Ravi freaking out after killing hitman (iZombie)
Optimistic Zombie Major (iZombie)
Blaine’s SUPER theatrical trick against his dad (iZombie)
Liv finally tells Clive that she’s a zombie (iZombie)
Alfred and Bruce plot to blow up Thomas Wayne’s Secret Door (Gotham)
Ice Cream (Gotham)
Ice Cream (Supergirl)
Peggy rightly shutting Jarvis down when he blames her for his wife getting shot (Agent Carter)
The musical number (Agent Carter)
The men suffer from oxygen deprivation (Dark Matter)
Flynn trying to point out the Librarians’ wish-fulfillment lives make no sense (The Librarians)
Noah, Audrey, and Emma investigate abandoned hospital (Scream)
Monty/Jasper apology (The 100)
Raven as ALIE (The 100)
The return of Lexa (The 100)
All Amos scenes (The Expanse)
M.K.’s revenge on Ferdinand (Orphan Black)
All of Krystal’s investigations (Orphan Black)

Well, I think that’s quite enough for today, don’t you? If you indeed got through all of this, thanks for reading, and I’d love to hear any votes or nominees you have as well!

Man, I’m behind on so many things for this blog: I’m way off schedule for my Disney Princess Movie Challenge, and I definitely should have watched Revenge of the Sith by now for my ongoing Star Wars Re-Watch. But today, at least, I’m finally getting around to reviewing a show that I did have the opportunity to check out (forever ago): Stranger Things.

There are, admittedly, a few things I’d like to change. Overall, though, I’m pretty into it.

DISCLAIMER:

I was planning on making this review spoiler-free, but then I was also planning on having this review out, like, three or four weeks ago, so. Sorry. SPOILERS ABOUND, for I am lazy and weak. (But you’ve all seen this show by now anyway, right? Right?)

SUMMARY:

A boy goes missing, and a search begins. Found along the way: a mysterious, super-powered girl, a government conspiracy, and a whole bunch of other spooky ass shit.

NOTES:

1. Here’s the thing: I don’t consider myself an 80’s child. I mean, technically, I am, having been born at the ass end of ’85, but it’s not like I remember a whole lot from those four years, either. (Rounded down, obviously. Please don’t comment just to tell me I suck at math. You won’t be giving me any new information.) In my heart, I’m definitely a 90’s kid.

Still, I’ve learned an appreciation for the 80’s, partially because some parts of that decade are just fun, and partially because so many of the creators I like are obsessed with the era. You don’t watch seven seasons of Psych without developing some sort of weird nostalgia for the decade, even if you didn’t actively participate in it and/or refuse to watch certain 80’s classics because it’s gone on so long now that it’s become a part of your identity, like, The Girl Who Hasn’t Seen ET. Anyway, you’ve got to enjoy the 80’s: they had the most hilarious music videos. Watching ridiculous 80’s music videos has become my new method of digging myself out of a bad mood.

This is a particularly long-winded way of saying that while I don’t automatically go gaga over 80’s nostalgia, I did appreciate the sheer dedication and attention to detail that the Duffer Brothers put into making Stranger Things look and feel like a show ripped out of that decade. As a point of comparison: I’ve also just finished watching Dead of Summer, another horror show set in the same time period, and while there are some good things about it (and other things that are deeply vexing) it doesn’t feel like an 80’s show at all: it feels like Freeform’s bubblegum version of the 80’s. Stranger Things, though . . . I mean from the grainy filming to the terrible hairstyles to the perfect music choices to even the themes; it’s on point. I was especially impressed with the title sequence, both with the theme song and what I assume we’re all just calling the Stephen King Font?

I’m not gonna lie, though: I’m still kind of waiting for movies and TV to start showing some love for the 90’s. Come on, guys. Give me some All That, some dresses with combat boots, and maybe a few Mentos commercials for old times’ sake.

2. Now that all being said . . . while I appreciate how dedicated this show is to the 80’s, there are some things I wish were a bit updated to more current times, like, gender roles. I can’t help but shake the feeling that Stranger Things would be a lot more exciting if almost the whole cast was gender-flipped. In fact, the only person who I absolutely do not want to gender flip is Eleven (Millie Bobby Brown), who is amazing. I love Eleven, and I will gush about her awesomeness a little later–but she’s also the only major female character who I think is particularly innovative.

To dive into that, let’s talk about the other ladies. Joyce Byers (Winona Ryder), for instance, is the mother of the kid (Will) who goes missing, and I’ve seen just a ton of praise for her.

And acting-wise, I would entirely agree with that praise: Winona Ryder gives a fantastic performance, at times tough as nails, at times seemingly losing her mind. Often, both simultaneously. I like her a whole lot. But when people are praising Joyce as being this exciting female character, this determined mother who goes at all out to save her son from supernatural and/or otherworldly forces? I kind of don’t feel it. Jillian goes to Death Tower after her son in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Diane goes through the portal after Carol Ann in Poltergeist. It’s not that unusual for female characters to be fierce when their children are involved; I mean, that’s basically just the Mama Bear trope, right? And that doesn’t mean it’s bad by any means; I’m just not excited by it. I don’t think it’s new at all. I’d be a lot more interested in a female character who goes all out to search for a sister or a friend or anyone who isn’t a love interest or their own child.

Which brings us to Nancy.

Theoretically, Nancy (Natalia Dyer) is a little more interesting: for one, she proves she’s not a totally useless character who just stands on the sidelines while the men do the work (always a plus); for another, her chief motivation in getting involved in this mess is finding her best friend and fan favorite, Barb (Shannon Purser), who goes missing very, very early on in the show. And this should be great: I’m all about girl friendships on TV that aren’t solely of the toxic, backstabby variety.

My problem is that, for the most part, I agree with this Vox.com article that Barb’s disappearance and subsequent death is mostly an excuse to bring Nancy and Jonathan closer together. Joyce is primarily defined as a character by her relationship to Will, but I wouldn’t define Nancy by her relationship to Barb at all; instead, far more time is spent on the triangle between her, Jonathan, and Steve–and a teenage girl whose primary storyline centers on one or multiple love interests isn’t exactly what I’d call original, either. We’ll talk more about the triangle itself later, but for me, Barb is less of a character than she is a plot device, which is why no one but Nancy seems to care about her when she’s gone. Yes, yes, Stranger Things has promised us more emotional fallout from Barb’s death in Season 2, but does anyone really believe that was always the plan? Or was that the hurried response when audiences unexpectedly fell in love with a character who was really only in a couple of episodes and probably had six minutes total screen time?

Don’t get me wrong: I really like Barb too (despite her mom jeans–I’m sorry, everyone, but I just cannot go with you on those awful mom jeans) and I was seriously disappointed (if not surprised) when she died, but Shannon Purser pretty much said it herself on Twitter: Barb wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. We made her important. If Nancy’s relationship to Barb was actually supposed to matter, wouldn’t we have seen more of it? Even in flashbacks? Even in nightmares and dream sequences? Nancy’s chief motivation for getting involved might have been finding/avenging her best friend, but let’s not pretend she gets to spend anywhere near as much time on her fear and grief for Barb as Joyce does when it comes to Will.

3. But yes, back to the gender-bending: if you flip the women, I’m immediately more interested in them: now you have a single, hardworking father hysterically trying to communicate with his missing son via Christmas lights, and you have a studious, slightly uptight, and naive teenage boy considering losing his virginity and mixing in with the popular kids. And that’s not even taking the male characters into consideration. For instance, the boys:

While it’s always relieving to see kids actually getting to act like real kids (you know, ones who swear and like weird things and look like normal children and are capable of cogent thought), I can’t help but feel like it’s always little boys who get to nerd out at A/V Club and play D&D and journey off to find dead bodies and stuff. (Yes, that last one is Stand By Me, and observant people reading this blog will probably realize how my whole 10 Movies I Wanna Gender-Flip NOW list came about in the first place.) But seriously ladies, especially Nerd Ladies, how awesome would it be to watch a group of young geek girls doing science, playing D&D, and banding together to find their friend? Cause I think it would be pretty awesome.

Still, the most exciting role to gender-flip (at least to me) might actually be Sheriff Jim Hopper.

Again, I like Hopper (David Harbour) quite a bit. In fact, he’s my second favorite character in the whole show. But just think about this guy for a minute: at the beginning, he’s this schlubby, sardonic, alcoholic cop who initially seems like a worthless schmo but quickly becomes this badass character who you end up rooting for . . . how often do we get to see female characters like that? I can’t really think of many. Jessica Jones, maybe. (Not that you ever think she’s a worthless schmo, exactly, but she’s the tough, mean, alcoholic PI character men regularly get to play. Anyway it’s the closest I can come up with at the moment.) And don’t get me wrong: Jessica Jones is super cool and complex, but I want more. Strong Female Characters so often come in only one variety; I want ALL the variety, all the personalities, all the badass women.

Oh, and pivotally? Lady Jim Hopper wouldn’t look like your typical SFC, either, i.e., super skinny, tight clothes, etc. Lady Jim Hopper would be an overweight woman in a Sheriff’s uniform, and her size wouldn’t ever be a joke: she wouldn’t be clumsy and falling all over the place for the usual BS laughs. She would be overweight and badass simultaneously. I want to see it. I want to see it NOW.

4. Oh, and as far as that love triangle goes . . . I’m pretty sure the show wants me to ship Nancy with Jonathan (Charlie Heaton).

When we flash forward at the end of the season and realize that Nancy and Steve have gotten back together, I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be a blow, like, oh noes, after everything they’ve been through, Nancy still got together with the wrong guy.

I’m . . . not so sure.

For the most part, I generally like Jonathan, or at least, I feel sorry for the kid: his younger brother is missing, his mom appears to be going nuts, and his deadbeat dad sucks donkey balls. But Jonathan secretly also takes pictures of Nancy stripping down when she’s about to have sex with Steve, and that’s all kinds of oh HELL no. I’m not saying the kid’s automatically irredeemable, but it’s also going to take a long time for me to ship Nancy with Peeping Tom kid. And I sure as hell don’t feel bad for Jonathan when Steve goes “psycho” and destroys the kid’s camera. Presumably I’m supposed to because he’s poor and can’t afford a new one? Yeah, fuck that. You take pictures of someone undressing without their knowledge or consent, you don’t deserve a camera, simple as that. In fact, the only thing that does disappoint me is that Nancy doesn’t break the camera herself. (Although I do love that she calls Jonathan on his whole ‘I try to take pictures of people as they really are’ bullshit. I was going to be so pissed if we were honestly supposed to buy that crap.)

Meanwhile, Steve isn’t exactly a winner himself.

He’s not nearly as bad as he could be, actually. You think you know exactly who Steve is when the show starts (preppy rich boy jerk who only wants to get into Nancy’s pants), but he quickly surprises when he doesn’t tell the whole school about having sex with Nancy and/or immediately dump her afterwards as expected. But when he thinks that Nancy is cheating on him with Jonathan, Steve is quick to go along with his friends publicly slut-shaming her. It’s gross and awful . . . but is it any worse than what Jonathan did? I’m not convinced that it is. (Not to mention I was way more impressed with Steve later yelling at his friends than I was with Jonathan’s half-assed apology in the woods.)

Either way, though, I can’t find myself getting too excited about Nancy ending up with either of these guys, at least, not so soon. So yeah, dump these losers, Nancy, and find someone better. Or else, stay single for a while! I actually kind of enjoy when characters do that–not everyone jumps straight from one relationship into the next like ladies often do on TV.

5. So, those are some of my more negative/critical notes. On the other hand, did I mention that I’m a fan of Eleven?

Because I am. She is the BEST.

Seriously, I want to be all articulate and analytical and composed about this, but I’m not sure I can. I just like her a whole lot. Eleven is nuanced and badass and vulnerable and interesting. Millie Bobby Brown does a fantastic job with the character; in fact, she probably has the best facial expressions on TV since Nadiya on The Great British Bake-Off. If I had to pick a favorite . . . hm. Her face when testing out the La-Z-Boy is pretty great, but I think the very best is when Mike gives her a makeover. The face she makes as she’s attacked by blush for the first time is THE BEST AND MOST ACCURATE FACE EVER. (Oh, and not for nothing, I don’t think I caught Brown’s English accent once. Although, to be fair, she rarely says more than three words at a time, so that might have something to do with it.)

God knows what’s up with Eleven at the end of the season, if she’s living between worlds, occasionally eating Eggos or what. But I assume we’ll figure that out in Season 2. Hey, maybe we can also find out whatever happened to One through Ten while we’re at it? Are they failed, dead experiments? Or are they EVIL CHILDREN waiting to be released?

6. I’m running out of steam on this review–as happens when a project that was supposed to take a week takes over a month instead–so I’m going to finish it up with a bunch of short, even more unrelated notes than before:

6A. Seriously, there is so much Stephen King love in this show. Hints of IT, Firestarter, Cujo, etc. I also couldn’t help but think of Dean Koontz’s Seize the Night, which also has a government experiment that goes rather wrong; in that book, they’re trying to travel forward in time (I think) and up going sideways instead.

6B. The whole show has a pretty cool look to it, but the Upside Down is especially creepy and awesome looking. Also neat: anytime Eleven goes into a sensory deprivation tank. Those scenes are very simplistic, but also seem incredibly effective.

I don’t know if I’d call Stranger Things scary, exactly, but there are definitely some great creepy visual moments, not just with the demogorgon popping up behind people, but also with that one tree passageway, and the dead deer that’s suddenly dragged away. That moment definitely got a jump out of me, I’ll admit it.

6C. The soundtrack in this is pretty great. The theme music is a pitch perfect fit for the show and will get stuck in your head for WEEKS, and I’m always happy to hear some Clash. Also, Echo and the Bunnymen. Also “Hazy Shade of Winter” and “White Rabbit,” among other songs I’m surely forgetting now.

6D. As I’ve said, I really am super fond of Hopper and Hopper’s angsty facial hair. (In the happy past–before his kid died–he was clean-shaven, naturally. Frankly, I think the light beard looks a little better on him.) But if Eleven is my absolute favorite and Hopper is my very close second, then Dustin (Gaten Matarazzo) has to be my extremely close third.

He’s obviously the primary comic relief of the kids, and I liked him early on, but Dustin definitely won me over when he yelled at Mike for not understanding why Lucas was upset, not to mention just generally being an awesome kid constantly stuck in the middle of his two best friends. Plus he’s generally pretty cool to Eleven. Obviously, I found this endearing.

6E. I forgot to mention this before when talking about my Big Dream Gender-Swap, but it would also be nice to see a female nerdy science teacher comforting her freaked/grossed out boyfriend while watching a horror movie. Very rarely do you get to see a dude scared or cringing while watching a scary flick, and it’s almost as rare to see a female character who really enjoys horror movies. The latter is VERY MUCH not my experience with life.

6F. I like Flo (Susan Shalhoub Larkin) a fair amount, but there’s a scene with her and Nancy at the police station that kind of bugs. Jonathan has just been arrested for resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer, and Flo tells Nancy that “only love makes you that crazy, sweetheart, and that damn stupid.” It’s a great line and one I’d normally enjoy, but I don’t much like it in this context because it assumes that Jonathan has hit Steve for Nancy’s honor . . . except that’s totally not what happened. Jonathan attacked Steve because Steve was a giant douchecanoe about his family; it had nothing to do with Nancy at all. And that would be fine if it was just a character making an incorrect assumption–God knows people do that all the time–but the way it’s shot here, it seems clear to me we’re supposed to agree with Flo. And I don’t. It’s yet another example of how I feel the show is pushing us to ship Jonathan/Nancy, but I remain unmoved. (I mildly ship Hopper/Joyce and Eleven/Mike, but that’s about all.)

6G. Finally, I wanted to mention my fourth favorite character: Connie Frazier (Catherine Dyer).

She doesn’t have a whole lot of screen time. Not much actual character either, unfortunately, but she is a government agent in her 50’s who goes undercover and murders people and all sorts of things. (I still weep for you, Benny.) Since women in Hollywood regularly stop getting anything to do but have babies after the age of 32, seeing a woman in her mid-50’s getting to be this badass villain lady? Pretty awesome.

Sadly, Connie Frazier dies. But at least it’s equally badass Eleven who kills her. I genuinely feel better about that. Is that weird? That’s probably weird.

QUOTES:

Mr. Clarke: “Science is neat, but I’m afraid it’s not very forgiving.”

Dustin: “We never would have upset you if we knew you had superpowers.”

Joyce: “I need this phone, and two weeks advance. And a pack of Camels.”

Dustin: “All three of you were being a bunch of little assholes! I was the only reasonable one.”

Dustin: “Why are you keeping this curiosity door locked?”

Joyce: “Look, he’s a sensitive kid. Lonnie–Lonnie used to say he was queer, called him a fag.”
Hopper: “Is he?”
Joyce: “He’s missing, is what he is.”

Dustin: “Sometimes, your total obliviousness just blows my mind.”

Dustin: “You really need to learn more about compasses.”

Barb: “Nance . . . seriously? He invited you to his house. His parents aren’t home. Come on, you are not this stupid.”

Barb: “Is that a new bra?”

CONCLUSIONS:

Pretty fun. I think it could push boundaries a little more than it does–because at the end of the day, I want it to be doing something old and something new simultaneously–but I still had a great time watching it: it’s creepy and funny and meticulously well-crafted. I’m definitely looking forward to the second season.

MVP:

Millie Bobbie Brown. But Winona Ryder and David Harbour were also quite strong.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

A-

MORAL:

Hm. It’s either D&D will prepare you for life and the supernatural adventures that go along with it, or don’t crawl inside creepy trees, NANCY. Choose whichever advice you thinks suits you the best.

So, the truth of it is this: I didn’t watch the Emmys, or at least, not in full. I had planned to, but, well, life. You know how it goes. So I missed out on seeing Tatiana Maslany win a much deserved Emmy, something I obviously deeply regret. (Because seriously. It’s about GODDAMN TIME she won.)

Thus I’m afraid to say that I have no real award show recap for you this year. I did catch the Matt Damon/Jimmy Kimmel bit, which made me laugh, and I was overjoyed to see Last Week Tonight With John Oliver win because that show is so ridiculously good. Oh, and Key & Peele won? YES. I miss you forever, Key & Peele! I’m also happy to see Rami Malek win for Best Actor, not because I watch Mr. Robot (sorry, guys, I still can’t make myself do it), but because apparently he’s the first non-white actor to win the category in 18 years, which is the kind of depressing stat  that I should stop being shocked by, and yet . . . nope, it’s like I don’t learn.

Which leaves us with the bit of the award show that I absolutely did watch: The Red Carpet.

SUPREME FASHIONISTA CARLIE’S BEST DRESSED OF THE NIGHT:

Kerry Washington
You never know how maternity dresses are going to go, but I thought Kerry Washington looked stunning. Her hair is gorgeous, and I love the slender cut-outs. This is the maternity dress all other maternity dresses should aspire to be.

SUPREME FASHIONISTA CARLIE’S OTHER FAVORITES:

Viola Davis
The hot pink is a bold choice and looks great on her skin. On me, Christ no–I would hate this dress on me. But she makes it work, and I love the lip color, too. Plus, her husband wore a matching pink bow tie, so now I am officially in love with them as a couple forever.

Kristen Bell
Love it. It’s big and romantic and different than everything else on the carpet. Unlike Viola Davis’s gown, I would wear the hell out of this dress.

Sarah Hyland
Also totally different than anything else on the carpet. Personally, I think it’s adorable. I would have a lot of fun wearing this too. (Can’t decide if you should wear a dress or pants? Wear both! Everybody wins!)

Tracee Ellis Ross
Classic, lovely, and elegant. Me like.

Yara Shahidi
I’m unfamiliar with the actress, but there’s something about this dress that I just find rather charming. It’s different without being showy, and she looks great in it.

Trevor Jackson
I’m afraid I don’t know this actor, either, but I definitely approve of his suit–which is SUPER impressive, actually, because velvet suits usually do nothing for me. This looks damn swanky, though.

Natasha Lyonne
This is old school glamour, and I love it. I’m all about anyone who can rock a white cape like that.

Angela Bassett
I feel like I shouldn’t like this one as much as I do–this is a very hard color to pull off–but I think Angela Bassett can actually pull it. I mean, she is owning this dress, right? Besides, you’ve got to like dramatic sleeves.

Lili Taylor
Rocking the pants suit. YES.

SUPREME FASHIONISTA CARLIE’S LEAST FAVORITES:

Laura Carmichael
Damn it, there are just some colors that don’t go together, and I think banana yellow and soft lavender qualify. Not to mention the structure of that shirt is just peculiar, and . . . is that a daisy? No, I can’t even pretend to understand this look.

Amanda Peet
Er. Maybe it’s supposed to be bumblebee glamour?

Mandy Moore
I like the color, but I have never, ever understood tiered ruffles, and I don’t really like how the dress suddenly becomes sheer, either.

Amy Poehler
I’m a big believer in dressing whatever the hell age you want, but . . . boy, this is an old lady dress. I almost feel like maybe the top part could work on its own but paired with the bottom . . . it’s just way too many green sequins for my taste.

Sarah Paulson
I’m aware that I’m just further demonstrating my complete lack of taste, but this is one of those fashion-forward dresses that I just don’t like at all. Maybe if I could cut off the whole skirt and make it into a super sexy evening jacket? As is, I’m thinking my theme of the night might be “sorry, too much green shit.”

Stacy London
Look, even I don’t like these polka dots, and I love polka dots. This is just bad. And yet, miraculously, it’s still not my least favorite dress on the carpet. Because seriously–

Anna Chlumsky
I can’t even.

FINALLY, SUPREME FASHIONISTA CARLIE’S YAWN REPORT – SO YAWN-WORTHY THAT THESE FOLKS DON’T EVEN GET LINKS:

Tom Hiddleston, Liev Schreiber, Paul Sparks, Thomas Middleditch, Kit Harrington, Tony Hale, Courtney B. Vance, and all the other guys out there in their perfectly nice tuxes who don’t have to worry about being fashion-forward or wearing the same suit as anyone else or repeating a previous year’s look or really anything at all, fashion wise. You’re lazy, the lot of you. Shame! SHAME!

All right, that’s it for today. I’ll try to actually watch the ceremony next year, if only so I have something to talk about other than my own personal sense of fashion.

So, the 2016-2017 Fall TV Season has begun. Lots of new and returning shows have already started, and I haven’t watched even half of them, because it’s been a bit busy for me lately, and also because I didn’t want to. Still, I’ve checked out about five shows so far. Here are my general impressions:

DISCLAIMERS: MILD TO SERIOUS SPOILERS INVOLVED. DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN’T YET WATCHED. THIS MEANS YOU, MEKAELA ST. GEORGE.

Atlanta

I have to catch up on this show (we’re like six episodes in or something?) but I just watched the first two, and so far I’m liking it. I find that I have to crank up my volume like I’m listening to Comedy Central, or British people, but other than that, it’s interesting.

There are far, far better people than a white girl from small town California to talk about why this show is important, and have, so I’m not going to try. What I will say is that I generally find the characters likable or interesting, which is especially helpful in Earn’s case, since male protagonists who are always asking their parents for money and not helping ladies out much on the rent . . . not typically my favorite. But nobody does anything so horrible I can’t stand them; actually, I like all three main characters quite a bit. Paper Boi has some nice scenes, and of course Keith Stanfield is pretty hilarious. There are a lot of moments of quiet humor and a fair amount of WTF humor, too. I do find myself hoping that Earn’s girlfriend will get to do something other than, you know, be a girlfriend. Like, it’d be nice for her to have a storyline that didn’t entirely revolve around wanting Earn to make money or get out, especially because the show’s feeling a bit dude heavy for my tastes at the moment.

Atlanta is, as everyone and their mothers have said, a tonally strange show, bouncing seamlessly between scenes of, say, stoner humor and very abrupt, difficult-to-watch scenes of police brutality. It doesn’t quite feel like anything else on TV, and that, along with a soft spot for Donald Glover, makes me think I’ll probably watch it at least a full season, if not more.

GRADE: 

B+

The Good Place

So, that was fun. I went back and forth on if I wanted to check this show out or not, but a good review on io9, my love for Kristen Bell, and a need for a little bit of levity in my life tipped me towards the Check It Out side, and I’m glad I did. I’m not sure I’m going to keep up with it forever–I worry that it will become a bit repetitive–but I’d like to try for now. I laughed out loud a lot, even at some of the moments I knew were coming, and that’s always a big plus. I’m trying to remember which jokes made me laugh the hardest: the dog, certainly, was up there. Also, Kristen Bell’s offhand line about the purse, the reminder that Africa is a continent, not a country, and Michael’s clear inability to understand the mass appeal of froyo.

William Jackson Harper is an awesome straight man, and he and Kristen Bell have great chemistry, like, that’s half the show right there. Ted Danson is also a lot of fun, and I pretty much adore D’Arcy Carden as Janet. Also, I didn’t expect the cracktastic karmic consequences for whenever Eleanor screws up, and I’m excited that there’s a bit of a mystery involved, too. Who knows that Eleanor doesn’t belong there? Will we meet God (or whoever) at some point? And what exactly is God’s criteria system, like, I’m pretty interested in what’s going on behind the scenes when Florence Nightingale didn’t merit a spot in the Good Place, but someone like Tahani–who is all charitable action with somewhat questionable intent–did.

There’s possible room to grow here. If the show does, and continues highlighting the Eleanor/Chidi dynamic duo, I could definitely enjoy it.

GRADE:

B+

Agents of SHIELD

So, I’m partially invested in this. Theoretically, I like the idea of breaking up the team: it adds a layer of complication, giving our players secrets and hidden alliances that could be kind of interesting. It also shifts around the power dynamic, like, I’m into Jemma having a bigger position of power than either May or even Coulson in some respects. At the same time, though, I already miss the team, you know, as a team, and the idea of a whole season getting the band back together sounds vaguely exhausting. I’m also a little less interested in Daisy being the vigilante, even though her scenes aren’t bad, and I’m not a Daisy hater by any means. I just would have been more interested if virtually any other character had been playing it solo. I kind of think a Daisy-lite season might do the show some good, although in fairness to AoS, it’s looking like everyone’s going to have stuff to do.

On a more positive note: Ghost Rider is potentially interesting (although the scene with the brother and the surge of inspirational music that followed didn’t quite work for me), I’m totally into the Life Model Decoy (and hey, it’s Madalena from Galavant! YAY!), I’m excited to see that Yo-Yo’s back (YO-YO!), and OOOOH, May has apparently contracted the weird ghost sickness. See, now that I’m fully invested in.

GRADE:

B

How To Get Away With Murder

After an occasionally awesome but somewhat shaky second season, I’d say “We’re Good People Now” is relatively solid ‘B’ fun, with some drama that I don’t care about and one damn sweet hook. The worst part, easily, was that beginning; please tell me that there are other people out there besides me and my sister who watched that whole Scream Our Fury Into The Night Sky scene and laughed their asses off. I mean, I get the idea, and those kind of moments can totally work, but boy, did I not buy it here, like, at all.

Also, any Wes/Laurel drama is automatically a snoozefest on every level. I am very definitively not a shipper because Laurel is far too interesting for him, and besides, Wes’s whole “I can’t talk to you because when I look at you, all I see is your shitty ex-boyfriend” thing, I mean, that’s such total bullshit. (Don’t get me wrong; Laurel will probably still end up being involved with Frank somehow because TWISTS, but at this point, for all Wes knows? Yeah, this is a shitty way to treat her.) Oh, and new douchebag student guy? Can he die, like, super quickly? I am deeply not interested in spending any time with this guy.

Let’s see, what else . . . oh, right, my favorite goddamn ship has broken up. This is not my happy face, show. Actually, I find that I’m not quite as upset as I thought I’d be, mostly because I don’t think this is the end of Oliver/Connor at all. Also, I’ve gotta say . . . look, Oliver’s totally right that Connor’s reaction (or lack thereof) is just completely wrong and may not say necessarily great things about their relationship–but then, that’s why you go to counseling or something. What you don’t do is make Connor’s saintlike reaction to your pretty atrocious treachery somehow all about you and not understanding who you are as a person anymore and so you have to break up so you can rediscover yourself on your own because, seriously, WHAT?

Away from that total nonsense. I genuinely like that after a year of murder and hacking up bodies and shootings and framings and everything else you could possibly imagine, the Keating Five aren’t actually doing so hot in school, like, that makes complete sense. I enjoyed seeing Annalise visiting everyone over the summer, and also the show getting back to its initial procedural format. I think it actually needs that along with the twisty soapy murdery goodness. It was also pretty hilarious to see Nate giving Annalise a foot rub because–shamelessly, utterly shamelessly–he’s shirtless as he’s doing so; thus we witness a few of Billy Brown’s 680 ridiculously sculpted muscles actually moving as he rubs her feet.

But of course this episode’s really all about those last few minutes and our new mystery: WHO IS DEAD? Like I said before, it’s a pretty great hook, especially since every episode we’ll be eliminating at least one person who isn’t dead. (If Connor or Oliver die, I walk, people.) If you take the scene at face value, then the most likely people are Bonnie, Wes, or Nate, based on Annalise’s grief-stricken reaction. But since anyone who’s still watching this show in the third season knows not to take shit at face value . . . it really could be anyone because, for all we know, Annalise killed them herself and is just putting on a big show for the cops. (Currently, I’m putting early money on Frank dying after somehow managing to impossibly redeem himself to Annalise over the course of the season, but early money isn’t much, like, I’m wagering maybe four pennies here.)

Finally, two more important things to note: a) Meggy is adorable, so either she’s secretly evil or she’s gonna die, and b) Frank shaved his beard and head. NOOOOOOOOOO.

GRADE:

B

Lethal Weapon

Here’s another show I was on the fence about checking out. But I finally did, and it’s . . . okay? Should we pro/con/whatever it?

PRO:

Clayne Crawford is actually pretty good as Riggs. I especially like some of his quieter, matter-of-fact moments later on in the episode. Right now, at least, I think his performance is carrying the show. (He and Damon Wayans also have decent enough chemistry, though, which helps.)

CON:

Still, when my spellcheck tried to make ‘Clayne’ ‘Claire’ and I thought to myself, man, how awesome would it have been to have seen Marti Riggs instead? Yeah, I’m still bummed we didn’t get it. Cause the thing is Lethal Weapon isn’t anything new or fresh, and while the women thus far are at least likable–I enjoy Murtaugh’s wife, and Jordana Brewster’s counselor appears so far to be playing a more effective and less overtly antagonistic version of Mary Ellen Trainor’s original character–they also don’t have much to do. (Besides, Brewster will probably just end up Riggs’s love interest, anyway.) A gender-flipped version of this show could at least have been interesting.

CON:

Especially since they only double down on the Refrigerated Wife backstory by adding a dead unborn baby, too. Sigh.

WHATEVER:

While it’s nice to see someone who isn’t freaking out at the first hint of a contraction, woman, call yourself a cab, Jesus. Seriously, ladies, this is your public service announcement from someone who totally isn’t a medical professional but works around a lot of them: if you think you are going into active labor, PLEASE don’t drive yourself to the hospital because this is not safe, and also because if you can drive more than three minutes to the hospital without having debilitating contractions, you very possibly aren’t far enough along yet to be coming to the hospital anyway. (Well, okay, women whose water has broken still need to come in regardless of whether they’re having contractions or not–but never mind, you get the point. In general, call a friend, an ambulance, or Uber, okay?)

CON:

I am tired of seeing the same accident over and over and over, TV. Anytime I see a driver’s profile, I just sit back and start counting seconds until a truck comes through and T-bones them.

WHATEVER:

Bad guys are killed like crazy in this show. Like, no one cares even a little bit about offing criminals, so long as car races aren’t interrupted and the city doesn’t suffer too much financial damage. (Seriously, the Grand Prix scene is more than a little silly, and I could easily have done without it.)

PRO:

Hey, I forgot Kevin Rahm is in this! And he has a pocket square! Man, I haven’t seen that guy in forever.

WHATEVER:

Murtaugh is like the most oblivious person ever and probably shouldn’t be a detective. How is he the only person at the dinner table to miss out on the obvious clues that Riggs’s wife is dead? Good Lord, Murtaugh.

WHATEVER:

Instead of just being old, Murtaugh is going back to work after suffering a heart attack and open heart surgery. I feel like they’re just going to use that as an easy joke, as it’s mostly treated comedically here, but this actually has real potential to be a serious ongoing storyline, like, Murtaugh being afraid to die is a perfectly valid thing. Since most of the pathos goes to Riggs, this could be an interesting thing for his partner to explore. Instead, I suspect Murtaugh will mostly have serious drama whenever one of his family members inevitably ends up in danger.

PRO:

The clear MVP of this story is not Murtaugh or even Riggs but Murtaugh’s ridiculously cute baby girl. She is the most adorable thing ever and needs to be featured in every single episode. Make it happen, Fox.

GRADE:

B