The 2014-2015 Fall TV Season has begun. Sadly, many of the new shows I’m interested in won’t actually begin until after the new year (I haven’t forgotten about you, Galavant!), but I did get to see one pilot this week, along with a few returning favorites.
Here is my report card for the September premieres. SPOILERS ABOUND, PEOPLE.
The second season premiere of SHIELD had at a lot going for it, I thought. Flashback Peggy, Dum Dum, and Fresno, for starters. (I’m sure this guy has an actual name, but I will always remember him as Fresno. I would be SO HAPPY if Fresno and Dum Dum ended up as regulars on Agent Carter.) Also Reed Diamond, who shockingly — shockingly — is playing a bad guy. And Clark Gregg facing off against Adrian Pasdar. (No, autocorrect, I do not mean Adrian Persuader. The hell?) And even Ward fulfilling the role of Skeevy Hannibal Lecter, complete with sexy Angst Beard! (Obviously a must have.)
Honestly, I thought this was a pretty good setup for the season. We’ve introduced some new bad guys and set up some new mysteries. I totally didn’t catch that Jemma was a hallucination, and that’s an awfully tricky stunt to pull. (I’m hopeful that they’ll also provide an explanation on why Jemma thought leaving would somehow help Fitz, since that seems like a spectacularly bad plan at this point. Poor Fitz. I sort of expect he’ll be magically fixed by the end of the season, but I kind of hope it isn’t quite that easy. I think it’d be fascinating to have a main character who has to actually live with his traumatic brain injury.) I’ll admit to being a bit bummed that Lucy Lawless died so fast, but I am always happy to see Lucy Lawless, even briefly. And I guess I have Attractive Accent Guy to take her place?
I know a lot of people are nervous about this sophomore season, but I thought this was a pretty good start and I have decently high hopes for what’s next to come.
FAVORITE PART:
Patton Oswalt mouthing, “What?” as Coulson badly pretends to be General Talbot over the phone
All right, time for the show to start, and it’s . . . hey, Frederick Weller! Man, I haven’t you seen you since In Plain Sight! I’ve missed you! Are you going to — oh, no, you’re about to die in three, two, one — yep, there you go. Oh well. Bye, Frederick Weller!
Of all my returning shows, I was probably looking forward to Person of Interest the most, and all in all, I think this was a pretty solid season premiere. I feel bad that Shaw has to sell makeup while John gets to be a cop (and the asshole even whines about it, that loser), but I assume a master plan will emerge from this eventually. I love that John ultimately takes Carter’s place as Fusco’s partner, and I’m ecstatic that he hired Elias to do his dirty work. Please, show, please keep bringing back Enrico Colantoni. I love him in this so much.
I’m really interested to see how this season plays out with Samaritan hunting them down. (Although if they keep being idiots and refusing to come up with codewords or code phrases for the phone, I can only assume they’ll die by November sweeps. Seriously, John and Shaw. No wonder Finch doesn’t want anything to do with you two.)
FAVORITE PART:
I’m not sure. Possibly Enrico Colantoni’s facial expression when John offers to hire him.
I don’t know if I have anything deep or insightful to say about this because I’m better at analyzing shows with ongoing plot and character arcs than I am at sketch shows, but I’m so happy Key & Peele is back on the air. And I’m kind of liking this new setup where the skits are connected by two guys on a road trip somewhere, instead of the usual standup clips. Mek and I were wondering if they were going to arrive somewhere at the end of the season, and if so, where? Personally, I think it should be Walley World.
FAVORITE SKETCH:
Probably the aliens one, but the singing soldiers and liberal rednecks were up there too.
I’m only interested in two new shows this fall, and they’re both comic book shows. Overall, I thought Gotham was a fairly decent pilot with a good amount of potential but also some stuff that didn’t work for me. Like, dialogue. Good God. I read some early reviews calling Ben McKenzie flat, but I actually thought he did a pretty decent job with some of the lines he was given. That scene where he’s talking to recently orphaned Bruce Wayne about how there will be Light? No. That is shit dialogue. (Although I don’t know if anything made me groan as hard as that one Major Crimes guy telling Gordon and Bullock to “stay frosty.” Ugh. Guys, we have to retire “stay frosty.”) I’m also not entirely feeling Barbara Gordon at this point, although maybe her mysterious past with Renee Montoya will make her more interesting.
On the other hand, I’m interested in the setup. I think primarily focusing on the cops in Gotham is an interesting way of looking at the city, although I still wish this was taking place during Grown Up Batman time where Batman himself occasionally reoccurs as a guest character. (Which is apparently the whole plot of a comic, Gotham Central, that I only found out about last week and now have to read.) Donal Logue is AWESOME as Harvey Bullock, and I really liked that scene with him and Gordon both hanging upside down in the freezer, all, well this could have gone better. I’m looking forward to seeing how their partnership unfolds. I enjoyed Jada Pinkett Smith as Fish Mooney, although I don’t anticipate her surviving past first season, and I thought Robin Lord Taylor was a pretty convincing and creeptastic Penguin. (The only other thing I’ve ever seen Taylor in was Would You Rather, where he was also a psychopathic little shit. I wonder if typecasting is going to be an issue for him.) And while I doubt anyone else cares, I kind of like that the show opened with Little Catwoman in what’s typically a very Batman shot. I’m curious to see what kind of relationship she and Little Bruce are going to form.
All in all, I think there’s material to work with here. We’ll have to see how it goes, but I’m hopeful this show can work out its kinks. Like the super clunky dialogue. Or the weird chase sequence action-cam.
FAVORITE PART:
Definitely Gordon and Bullock, waiting to be gutted. Although I was also impressed with Little Bruce screaming after his parents died — I was very happy it was a high-pitched, childish scream instead of some ridiculous Angry Roar that I would’ve laughed at.
This episode was decent, although I wasn’t particularly excited by it. As a season opener, I didn’t really feel like it accomplished as much as I wanted it to, although it did have a few pretty amazing LOL moments:
1. Headless Horseman firing a shotgun (because it will never stop being funny)
2. Realizing that Naked Benjamin Franklin is none other than Danny Concannon from The West Wing
3. The Shirtless Headless Horseman. I mean, holy shit.
I was also happy to see our weird subtitles back — how I have missed you, totally strange font. John Cho made a cameo appearance, which, YES! (Can Selfie get cancelled yet? I want him back.) And I’m always up for a good “there’s a storm coming” line. I mean, that will always make me happy. But I was really disappointed that they just got rid of the creepy Purgatory dollhouse, like that actually kind of bugged me. And oh my GOD, Katrina is a prisoner AGAIN? I was really hoping, after all this time off, Sleepy Hollow would have figured out a way to make Katrina interesting. Really, I would have settled for her simply pointing out to Asshole Abraham that she is not a thing that can be stolen. Instead, she remains the least interesting, useless, and most victimized character on this show, and my patience is wearing a little thin.
Since I’m losing hope that they’ll ever actually fix Katrina, I can only hope that they’ll remember they still need to save Orlando Jones next episode.
FAVORITE PART:
Probably the part where Ichabod realized his deathbed confession to Abbie didn’t record. Although I also loved the scene where she just straight up decapitated the thing pretending to be Ichabod because he said, “Lieutenant,” instead of ‘leftenant’. Jesus. I’m glad you didn’t just hear him wrong or anything, Abbie. I’m saying, if I decapitated somebody every time I misheard what they’d said, we’d have a LOT less people in Northern California. And I’d probably be in jail as a convicted serial killer.
Mek and I have been watching scary movies — mostly bad ones — this October, but we’ve also been revisiting some of our favorite Halloween themed TV episodes as well. Because I am who I am, I decided to make a list.
It’s not a perfect list. I’m going to admit that upfront. It feels a little wrong not to include a single Treehouse of Horror from The Simpsons, but I just don’t remember them that well anymore, certainly not enough to differentiate between episodes. Also, three different shows have multiple episodes here, either because I need to expand my horizons or because these TV shows just have a lot of awesome pop culture references. Regardless, here it is:
Top Ten Halloween (or Vaguely Halloween Related) Episodes
Disclaimer: Mild spoilers below. Also, as always, the order of this countdown is subject to change at my whim.
This isn’t one I watch every October, but I do enjoy it. There’s the whole emotional content stuff that Cougar Town likes to surprise you with now and again as Jules tries to connect with her emotionally distant father. There’s also all the wacky costumes: half the gang dresses up as each other (which is pretty funny, except for the regrettable brownface). Meanwhile, Jules is a princess, Grayson is Prince, Andy is Burt Reynolds, and Bobby — who obviously wins — is Windy Guy, literally, a guy being blown around in the wind.
It is also the episode that gave us “dead baby lasagne,” which makes me so happy. Because I am a terrible person.
Psych is the King of Awesome Guest Stars and Pop Culture References. (Okay, they share the title on references. Unless they’re from the 80’s — Psych automatically wins anything from the 80’s.) And this vampire episode not only guest stars both Kristy Swanson (from the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and Corey Feldman (from The Lost Boys), it has Shawn dressing up as Lestat from Interview with the Vampire and Gus as Blacula from, well, Blacula. (Thank you, SFSU, for providing a Vampire Fiction class so I actually knew that reference.) And they even name drop Dracula 2000, which is one of my very favorite guilty pleasure movies!
For that alone, I would love this episode. But this is also the first time we meet Marlowe (Swanson), and I was really happy she kept coming back as Lassie’s prison GF and eventual wife. And Juliet is typically awesome. The show’s consistency wavered some after the first four seasons, but Maggie Lawson just got better and better. I really hope to see her in more things.
It’s always fun to see characters play against type. Dainty and Ridiculous Buffy is kind of hilarious, and Competent Soldier Xander is pretty cool. (And I love how his magically induced military knowledge will come in handy for future episodes.) We get our first introduction to Giles’s Shady Past. And I won’t lie: I’m all about Willow’s ghost costumes, both the Kid Friendly and the More Sexy one.
Also, Oz is all crushing on Willow from afar, and screw Buffy/Angel or Buffy/Spike — Willow/Oz is my OTP. (I mean, I really like Tara too. But at the end of the day, yeah. It’s gotta be Oz.)
My nostalgia pick. A lot of the humor here sails past silly and lands firmly into cornball, but I can’t help myself: I still like this episode. After all, how many episodes deal with the emotional ramifications of your best friend’s messy breakup by playing around with horror tropes? Not enough, obviously. Also, you know what doesn’t happen enough in television? People dying from pencil-inflicted stab wounds. “We’ll always remember he was this tall.”
Okay, I’m sure that when other people pick X-Files episodes to watch in October, they go for the actually spooky ones . . . but if it hasn’t already become readily apparent, I tend to like my horror with a healthy dose of humor mixed in. And comparing Scully’s version of How Mulder Came to Stake a Kid With Fake Vampire Teeth to Mulder’s version is pretty hysterical. Favorite parts include Scully’s profoundly unenthusiastic autopsies, Magic Fingers, and Mulder’s song. Also, it’s Luke Wilson! And that kid from The Sandlot!
You know, I always liked Scully, but I don’t know if I appreciated her enough when I was young. Maybe one of these days I’ll go back and watch this show from the beginning again.
I’m not crazy about Lassiter’s temporary partner subplot — I like the payoff with the team more than the actual goofy scenes leading up to it — but I love seeing Juliet undercover at the sorority house, and there is something about her scene where she’s gotten the upper hand over the bad guy, and Shawn and Lassie have to show up in time not to rescue her but to stop her using the axe herself . . . I don’t know, I just love it. Henry laughing at the boys for their unnecessary, twenty-year-old psychological trauma is pretty hilarious too.
Also, this monologue from Gus: “I will not enter a room first. I will not enter a room last. I will not investigate any suspicious noises or go looking for a fuse box, and you will not under any circumstances leave me by myself without a weapon of some kind. Do you understand and agree to my terms?”
Good for you, Gus. I mean, it doesn’t end up helping you very much in the end, but still. Good for you.
4. “Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps” – Community
I love all the stories, of course, but I think Abed’s has to be my favorite. Bringing a radio for news reports when you’re staying near an insane asylum with an outdated security system? Standing in the center of the room, back, to back, with knives? LOVE IT. After years of watching people in horror movies make the dumbest choices they can possibly make, Abed’s ghost story was both funny and refreshing. Although Annie’s enthusiasm for gore and viscera was also pretty awesome.
And, of course, I love that almost everyone in the group is a dangerous psychopath. Because really, that seems accurate.
I don’t know if I have too much to say about this one, other than I like it. (In fact, my only critique is that it’s during the Everlasting Parker Woe. Ugh. Fucking Parker.) But here are a few of the things I especially love:
Oz’s God costume
Anya’s Bunny costume
Everyone being haunted by their personal fear (I’m always a sucker for that — though I will admit to liking Willow’s fears better in “Restless” than in this one.)
Giles in a sombrero and Giles with an axe (sadly, not at the same time)
Taunting the fear demon.
And, of course, “actual size.”
Quite possibly my favorite episode of Community ever, which isn’t exactly an easy choice. I love how this show has forever managed to link zombies and ABBA in my brain, like that’s not creepy or anything. Also, I laughed SO HARD when Troy utterly fails to fight the zombies with the Power of Imagination, like, his line, “Okay, I don’t know why I thought this would work,” had me in tears. And you have to love a zombie virus that can be cured merely by turning on the A/C, right? Also: George Takei’s beginning and ending narration.
I’ve never been so disappointed that my parents didn’t inexplicably name me Kevin in my whole life.
Oh, God, you guys. This was so hard. Trying to pick between my favorite Community episode and my favorite Psych episode? It’s too much. In fact, I might make a different call tomorrow.
But for today . . . I can’t begin to tell you how much I love Psych’s Friday the 13th parody. I love everything about it: the Rick Astley piñata, the MANY spot-on homages, the Deep Blue Sea reference, Juliet saving the day (again), and of course, “Let’s twist this.” It’s also got one of my favorite continuity gags ever: in an earlier episode (from an earlier season, even), a fugitive badly pretends to be one of Shawn and Gus’s childhood camp counselors, and he’s forced to improvise a Camp Tikihama song, which they utilize again in this episode, all creepy like. Cracks me up every time.
Honorable Mentions:
“The Rocky Horror Glee Show” – Glee, primarily for Kurt as Riff Raff.
“Heeeeere’s Lassie” – Psych “Lassie Jerky” – Psych “Let’s Get Hairy” – Psych . . . and every other horror tribute episode of Psych I failed to mention. Because there are a LOT of them. God bless you, Psych.
Have your own favorite Halloween episodes? Tell me about them in the Comments.
In the interest of saving time, I usually do not post an individual recap for each season premiere that I watch. Instead, I briefly (well, somewhat briefly) summarize my initial impressions for all the shows that air in the same month. Then I lump these impressions together into a single post. It’s all simple and orderly, see?
The problem, I’ve discovered, with this approach is that it doesn’t matter if the greater majority of your shows began during the first week of October; you still have to wait for asshole shows like Elementary to come back on October 30th. So by the time you finally do post your season premiere thoughts, many of these shows are already four or five episodes in, and you’ve suddenly become that writer who’s dated their timeless work of love and self-discovery with references to beepers and “MMMBop.”
With that in my mind, here’s what I’ve got for the October shows.
I don’t have very much to say about this episode, other than it was awesome. Carol is such a badass. I love Carol. Please don’t kill Carol!
Seriously, I’m trying to come up with things to say that don’t involve how awesome Carol is saving the day. I was a little surprised, though not displeased, that nobody important died. Well, Penguin. Yes. Funny thing: I remember thinking, you know, this actor looks a little like Robin Lord Taylor, but I didn’t actually think it was him until I checked IMDb later. But everyone else is alive . . . for now. Even Morgan’s alive, tracking the group’s movements after the end credits. (I totally would’ve missed that scene, if I hadn’t gone looking for it because I’d been spoiled for Lennie James’s cameo. Are there regularly scenes after the credits? Am I consistently missing shit?) Also, Rick, Carl, and Baby Judith reunite, which is kind of cool, I guess, but far more importantly, Carol and Daryl reunite. I heart that scene so much. They are the best.
In fact, I think the only thing I didn’t like about this premiere was that very last flashback when the cannibals decided to become the butchers instead of the cattle, or whatever. Other than telling us that the giant dude was originally one of their captors, I felt like that scene gave me nothing I didn’t already know, and it felt like a weird note to end the episode on. But this is a pretty minor nitpick.
For an episode of The Walking Dead, this premiere was basically an upper. I fear for the rest of the season.
FAVORITE PART:
Carol and Daryl reuniting. But a close second place goes to Carol blowing up that propane tank.
For the most part, I had a pretty good time watching this. Even with the mandatory CW pilot voiceover. (To my shock, the VO was actually funny for once. I could potentially deal with more of this.) Grant Gustin is very enjoyable as Barry Allen, and I look forward to seeing him in all of his CSI Jr. adventures. (Seriously, I know they’re skewing to a younger demographic than Arrow, but damn. Between him and Emotionless Science Girl and Surfer Dude Science Boy, I feel like all the superhero progress will have to stop for juice and snack breaks.) It was nice to see the “run, Barry, run” line finally, since that’s made me crack up through multiple promos. The ending was a solid twist, and I really like Jesse L. Martin a lot. At least, when he isn’t talking to or about his daughter.
Because, yes, my biggest concern about The Flash is the female characters, specifically, Barry’s unrequited love interest, Iris. (Who, shockingly, is dating Schmucky Cop.) I was actually liking Iris pretty well, until she made an impatient hand gesture for Barry to go chase after the guy who took her purse, presumably because this is a MAN’s job and never mind the fact that Gustin is as big around as my wrist. Real men run after purse-snatchers, whether they would be physically capable of stopping them or not.
And then Detective West (Martin) reminds his daughter that she isn’t a cop, and she’s all, “Because you wouldn’t let me,” and I’m like, “EXCUSE me? Are you a grown ass woman? What century are we in, you two?” This is made even worse when West tells Barry that he can’t tell Iris about his super abilities because he wants to keep her safe, which, how is this keeping her safe, exactly? Yeah, it’s not, so thanks for that fully unnecessary complication, West. (On the plus side, I was pleasantly surprised that he discovered Barry’s abilities so early.)
I’ll have to wait and see about Emotionless Science Girl. I actually didn’t mind her little speech, and I’d much rather her Lack of Giggles come from an emotional trauma, rather than any I-Don’t-Understand-Feelings-Because-I-Do-Science nonsense. Still, I’m not quite sold yet, either. And that’s about it for female characters thus far, unless we’re counting the protagonist’s tragically dead mother.
But this may improve with time. I hope so, anyway. This was a pretty fun premiere, and I have hope for this series. (Especially if there are more Flash/Arrow crossovers. That should happen, like, all the time.)
FAVORITE PART:
Oh, I can’t decide. It’s between Barry asking, “Lightning gave me abs?” and West saying, “Shut the hell up.” Although I did also like this: “Why the hell would God need to rob banks?”
When I initially read the setup for this season — with Sherlock coming back to New York with a new protégé in tow — I was not particularly interested. For me, this show is entirely about Sherlock and Watson’s relationship, and I wasn’t real excited to see a new player get in the middle of it, particularly if she and Watson were going to have awful cat fight friction.
However, I actually enjoyed this premiere quite a bit. I love that Watson is a competent detective in her own right, and that she has her own nemesis now. (I just assume Gina Gershon will come back at some point, despite going to jail at the end of the episode.) I like that Watson doesn’t automatically forgive Holmes for the bullshit way he left, but that by the end of the episode they’ve worked their way to some kind of (very tentative) middle ground. I didn’t hate Kitty like I feared I would, and while I’m not particularly interested in her backstory right now, I might eventually become so. And I like that Watson and Kitty had a nice moment, too, giving me hope that their relationship will not be all bitter and annoying.
FAVORITE PART:
Hard to say. I did enjoy the baton fighting, but I think I’m leaning toward the scene where Gregson interrupts Sherlock’s carefully crafted apology to tell him, in no uncertain terms, that they aren’t friends. There was something kind of awesome about that.
Ah, Arrow. Right back to wildly entertaining me and wildly pissing me off, all in the very same hour. It’s really almost impressive, how easily you do this.
Why don’t I just break this down into The Good, The Ambivalent, and the Downright Sucky:
THE GOOD:
Non-Island Flashbacks. A welcome change of pace.
The whole city loves Arrow! I wonder how long this can possibly last.
Ollie and Felicity are openly acknowledging Feelings! Seriously, I wonder how long this can . . . oh, really, not that long, huh? (See also: The Downright Sucky)
People are moving out of Starling City because they’re tired of dying in crazy supervillain terrorist attacks. LOVE THIS.
Pretty much everything about Brandon Routh. He was ridiculously energetic and kind of delightful in his smarm. I look forward to seeing more of him.
THE AMBIVALENT:
Dear God, Ollie got dosed with vertigo AGAIN? If it happens one more time before Christmas, does he get a prize?
Why isn’t Felicity working at Queen Consolidated anymore? I don’t see why she had to leave the company just because Oliver’s out, unless she chose to step down to help out at the Arrow Cave or was fired due to rumors of her sleeping with the boss. Waiting to see if this is addressed.
Sara’s death: on one hand, I actually really like the shot of her falling, and I’ll admit, that’s one hell of a way to end your premiere and set up your season. On the other hand, godamnit, I liked Sara. After she survived second season, I actually thought she had a chance. And is there anyone in the world, ANYONE, who wants to see Laurel become Black Canary? Because I’m pretty sure that’s where this story is going, and at this point, I think I’d be happier if Felicity became Black Canary, and that doesn’t even make sense. (Actually, Thea would be pretty cool, assuming Thea isn’t the one who shot her in the first place.)
THE BAD:
Sweet Christ, it’s like Ollie can’t learn shit for more than twenty minutes at a time. One explosion, and that’s it? That’s all it takes for Ollie to be like, “Nope, I’m out. If wasn’t so busy HAVING FEELINGS, I totally would have seen this tracker.” Good lord, people. Must I quote Teen Wolf at you? Apparently, I must: “This whole women are a weakness thing is a little too Spartan warrior for me.” Ollie, you’re an asshole.
Also, Ollie overcomes the psychotropic drug simply by denying love. Which I guess would be an interesting inversion of the Power of Love, if I wasn’t so annoyed the above.
And I am SO NOT OKAY with Diggle basically saying, “Yeah, thanks for making this decision for me, Oliver. Before I was angry because I felt like hey, I’m a grown up, I should be able to make my own big life decisions, but now that I’ve seen this baby, I’ve decided that the white man was right all along. I can’t possibly have children and be a hero any longer.” Ugh.
I only watched maybe a quarter of Season Five before I got bored with all the convoluted drama, but I found out what happened in the finale (Alaric came back!) and thought I’d try out Season Six fresh. And so far . . . it’s okay. I’m not real crazy about drug addict Elena — and it drives me nuts that losing Bonnie doesn’t seem to really bother her — but I did love that her big goodbye speech where she decides to let go of Damon doesn’t work at all. Jeremy’s predictably boring. I’ll probably be more interested in Stefan’s storyline when he inevitably returns to Mystic Falls. Tyler’s pairing with this witch girl seems really forced to me, but maybe they set that up last season in all the episodes I didn’t watch? Their chemistry just seems really artificial to me, especially in comparison to the chemistry he had with Caroline. Not that it matters, really. We all know that Tyler will be gone in a month or two anyway to do some BS thing for half the season, like he always does.
The very last scene with Damon and Bonnie and vampire pancakes is pretty awesome. And of course, Alaric. He is the best. He has so many awesome lines. I’m so glad he’s back — although I rolled my eyes pretty hard at the fact that he’s teaching at the college now. Of course he is. This is like Mr. Feeny all over.
I have this feeling I’ll eventually end up dropping The Vampire Diaries, but this was decent enough that I’ll keep up for now. (But seriously, can we lose Mopey Pants Jeremy? He is so boring.)
FAVORITE PART:
Probably the pancakes. It was hilarious, and that whole scene was a great way to end the episode. But I also liked this: “Okay, so when I lost my human nature, I also lost my game.”
Oh, this show. I really feel like I need to give a full season of American Horror Story a try, and I figured evil circuses would be the time to do it, but . . . I don’t know.
There are some really cool things about the premiere. I like the opener, although obviously it’d be a lot more effective if we didn’t already know that Sarah Paulson was playing conjoined twins. The opening credits are pretty cool. And I really like the split screen from the POV of the sisters, when one is looking in one direction, and the other is looking somewhere else. I thought that was pretty clever. I’m less into them being randomly psychic, but it’s not a big thing. I just rolled my eyes.
The clown is admittedly pretty creepy, too. Not subtle — American Horror Story is many things, but subtle is decidedly not one of them. Good God. The music cues, alone. (While I’m thinking about music: I didn’t actually recognize David Bowie’s “Life On Mars” when Norma Desmond Elsa started singing it — sue me — but I started laughing hysterically when Fiona Apple’s “Criminal” came up in the preview.) But I can deal with not subtle. What doesn’t work as well — and has been a problem for me with past iterations of AHS — mostly has to do with weird sex stuff. I’m well aware there’s no way to say that without making me sound like a prude, and hey, maybe I am one. But the scene with Evan Peters satisfying women with his lobster hands . . . it feels cheaply artificial to me, like it was added purely so that the shock value might convince me that this show is so daring and bold and breaks down all kinds of barriers, and I’m like, Uh, yay? AHS has always struck me as incredibly satisfied with itself, and I’ve yet to become entranced by it the way it clearly wants me to. And don’t even get me started on the it’s-not-gang-rape-if-I-enjoyed-it-while-stoned-off-my-ass subplot.
I’ve set the series on record, but we’ll see. It would hardly be the first season I’ve let rot on my DVD for several months before deleting it, unwatched.
FAVORITE PART:
I’ve never been very seriously coulrophobic, but that clown was fucking creepy.
First: I have not read the comics. I have seen the Keanu Reeves movie, and I enjoy it for the guilty pleasure that it is, but I wasn’t looking for this show to be that. Actually, I don’t know exactly what I was looking for, but this pilot? Wasn’t it.
Look, pilots are often rough. I’m not giving up on Constantine immediately. I’ll give it a little more time to find itself — but I’ll probably give it on this well before I give up on Gotham, partly because I’m a Batman nerd and partly because I think Gotham’s pilot showed a lot more potential. (It’s not an entirely fair comparison, though, because Gotham is already starting to slowly improve, particularly with “Spirit of the Goat,” which was actually pretty great.) On the positive side, Matt Ryan seemed decent enough and I’m curious to learn more about the monosyllabic, very-not-Shia-LeBeouff Chas, who manages to survive his skewering with very little difficulty.
But oh my God, the pacing of this episode was ridiculously rushed. And there are a lot of benefits to fast paced shows when they’re done well (the earlier seasons ofThe Vampire Diaries, the first season of Sleepy Hollow), but this was so stupid fast that I just couldn’t engage with any of it. Certainly not the main girl, who the show sets up as super important, only to replace her in the very second episode. (I haven’t actually watched it yet, but I know that’s what happens. Hopefully, this one won’t react to giant sinkholes by threatening to mace the first guy she sees, as if she thinks he caused the sinkhole in the first place.) I’m also not really feeling the angel, despite the fact that I generally like Harold Perrineau. He may become more intriguing over time, but right now his constant smirk is only getting on my nerves. It’s like his one facial expression. Oy. Where is Tilda Swinton when you need her?
FAVORITE PART:
The initial setup at the mental institution was kind of cool. Unfortunately, it just all went downhill from there.
So, I stopped watching Scandal last season for multiple reasons (poorly handled rape subplots, characters suddenly making no sense, torture scenes featuring face licking, etc). But while clearing out my drafts folder, I found this entry that I’d forgotten I’d written, and I thought it might be kind of fun to post it now, despite the fact that the events I’m mercilessly mocking happened over almost a year ago, which means that approximately 27,006 twists have already taken place to make such a rant completely irrelevant.
Still. I’m considering creating a new feature on my blog, a deeply irregular series of How-to posts based on anytime a movie or television show (new or old) causes me to wonder, “Wait, that worked? WHY? HOW?” and quiver in rage until somebody pacifies me with chocolate. Also, this gives you something to read while I continue working on my Kiss Me Deadly review.
With that in mind . . .
SPOILER FOR “VERMONT IS FOR LOVERS, TOO” AND ALL PREVIOUS EPISODES OF SCANDAL:
Are you having relationship problems? Maybe you’re unhappily married and your mistress doesn’t believe you’re ever going to divorce your wife. Maybe this situation is compounded by the fact that you’re the President of the United States. And maybe you once also shot down a commercial airplane under orders, and a passenger on that plane was your lover’s mother.
You might think that killing your girlfriend’s mom is the death knell of your relationship, but fear not! We know a way to mend those broken fences with just a few easy steps:
Fitzgerald Grant: Hey, I’m summoning you to this super secret house in the middle of nowhere. You really should have told me that your dad was an uber spy, but enough of that. Look at this awesome fireplace.
Oliva Pope: You killed my mother!
Fitzgerald Grant: Seriously, check out these curtains. Did I do a good job or what?
Olivia Pope: I don’t care about curtains! I don’t care about this house! You killed MY MOTHER!
Fitzgerald Grant: But I built this house for you. I built this house for the future I thought we might someday share.
Olivia Pope: . . . take me now. Take me hard. I love you so much.
And there you have it, folks. If you want your special ladyfriend to forget all about the terrible things you did, up to and including killing her mother, just build her a house. Oh, and be sure to mention all the bedrooms you’ve created for the potential children you two might have together. She will melt before you like butter.
Any woman would.
Next time on How-To: Arrow teaches us how to become a better superhero by not only letting a mass murderer responsible for the death of your best friend go free, but swearing to defend said murderer at all costs from the terribly powerful and particularly vindictive King of Super Assassins.
(Warning: SPOILERS for all episodes of Arrow, up to and including 3×09, “The Climb.”)
Step One: Promise to tell your sister all of your many dark secrets to lure her away from a place where she seems relatively happy and safe to a city mostly known for violence and terrorist attacks. (This is, of course, also the place where she watched her mother get murdered in front of her.)
Step Two: Tell her exactly one secret and never follow up with another, not even with softball stuff like, “You know, I wasn’t alone on the island.” Certainly not the kind of stuff you actually promised to deliver, like, “By the way, I’m totally the Arrow.”
Step Three: When you find out that your sister killed your fellow vigilante-in-crime/on-again-off-again girlfriend, give her the most cursory of interrogations before letting her quickly escape. Make absolutely no attempt to follow her when she does so. (I don’t care if she goes over a balcony. ARE YOU A SUPERHERO OR AREN’T YOU?)
Step Four: Don’t kill or even attempt to capture your sister’s evil father, despite the fact that he’s just admitted to drugging and using her to murder your fellow vigilante-in-crime/on-again-off-again girlfriend. (Plus, you know, all the other stuff he’s done.) Simply believe that he has a way to tell the master assassin about your sister’s involvement without any kind of proof, and go ahead with his plan because, you know. That’s a guy whose advice you want to trust right now.
Step Five: Speaking of your sister, don’t tell her that she’s killed someone she’s known her whole life. Don’t tell her what her father has done, or show her the video proof of her involuntary actions at his behest. Don’t tell her that this is probably the last time you’re ever going to speak. Instead, give her yet another unsubstantiated warning to avoid her father and give her a hug. She’s probably safer already.
Step Six: Tell your well-chiseled sidekick, who’s been at this hero business for not a particularly long time, to look out for your sister, as if he’s actually capable of doing this, especially when you and your eight years of experience have totally failed.
Step Seven: Leave your unsuspecting sister in a city with her brainwashing father to go climb to your near-certain doom in a traditional shirtless duel with a master assassin atop a random icy mountain that you’ll climb with no gloves on because why would non-frostbitten fingers be useful in a sword duel anyway?
Step Eight: Die. (This step is optional but pretty much a foregone conclusion.)
Oh, Arrow. I know I’ve said this before, but I really don’t know if I’ve ever had a show that I’ve loved so hard and that I’ve wanted to strangle so much on a week-to-week basis. Because all of that not-so-gentle mockery above doesn’t even address the multitude of other problems I had with this episode, like why couldn’t Felicity match the killer’s DNA to Thea from her own arrest back in Season One, or how Ray’s continued stalking of Felicity is supposed to be romantic instead of creepy, or the incredibly lamesauce brainwashing drugs that are only introduced this episode and rob Thea of the hard won agency she’s only started to grow this season. (Even now, my brain keeps trying to save it, like, maybe Malcolm Merlyn was just lying to Oliver, and he only manipulated Thea through lies, not mind-altering drugs. Maybe Thea knew that she was killing the Canary, but didn’t know that it was Sara and thought Canary was planning to murder Merlyn or something. I would totally accept this, but I don’t think it’s going to happen.)
I want to love you all the time, show. You do so many things I like — even in this very episode: Flashback Oliver’s reaction to the brainwashing drugs. Oliver telling Felicity that he loves her. Felicity’s reaction to Palmer’s secret. Oliver’s supposed death scene, Lord of the Rings music and all. And the geek-outs I was having over last week’s crossover? Guys, the squee that was going on in this house . . . I was all but bouncing on my couch. Actually, I may have bounced once or twice. Even though I thought Part I worked better than Part II, I was ALL ABOUT those two episodes.
But you keep doing shit like this. And you drive me fucking crazy.
I’m not saying I won’t come back in January. Of course I’ll come back. And I’m relatively sure Oliver is going to miraculously survive somehow. (Will Maseo drag his ridiculously pretty ass to the Lazarus Pit? Oh please, oh please.) But if you could stop totally driving me insane with your characters making insanely stupid and awful life choices, I’d really appreciate it.
(Next time on How-to: Joe saves Central City by refusing to tell anyone who’s endangering it?)
While I like a number of full-season shows (Person of Interest, Agents of SHIELD, Arrow, etc.), there’s also something to be said for the shortened mid-season. I’m enjoying the hell out of Agent Carter right now, and I’m really looking forward to trying out iZombie in March. Today, however, I’ve come to talk about two mid-season shows that have recently (or semi-recently) wrapped up their first seasons: The Librarians on TNT and Galavant on ABC.
By way of introduction, let me just say this: I like writing pretty much everything. I write blog entries (well, obviously), movie reviews, short stories, novelettes. I’m working on a novel. I’d like to sell screenplays. I occasionally write overly literal prose poems, and — when I can spare the time — I really love writing fanfiction. The main fandoms I’ve become obsessed with over the years (as either a writer, a reader, or both) are Supernatural, The Avengers, Inception, and Teen Wolf, although I’ve also written for Psych, The Mentalist, The Unusuals, Harry Potter, and Justified. (And I’ve read dozens of other fandoms, of course. There are so many, you guys. If you don’t read fanfiction, you don’t even know. I’ve seen slash fanfiction for The BIBLE. Not to mention Real People Fic, which is a whole other thing that I just generally can’t get into.)
Of course, I can love a show and not get hugely invested in the fandom. Person of Interest, for instance. It’s one of my favorite shows on television shows right now and the best SF you’re not watching, but despite being a total Root/Shaw shipper, it just doesn’t quite trigger that little internal fannish switch I have. I’ve read PoI fanfiction but not obsessively, and I’ve never felt particularly compelled to write any of my own.
But some shows are different — some hit that switch hard and fill me with utter, indescribable delight. These shows are rarely perfect, but they have characters I like, relationships I’m invested in, subverted tropes I’d love to see more of. And The Librarians is definitely one of those shows for me. It’s fun, entertaining. There are solid character moments, interesting team dynamics. (Team dynamics are a BIG draw for me.) Stone (Christian Kane) is probably my favorite character (cause, dude, Eliot . . . plus, okay, some backstory/fears I find relatable), but of course there’s also Jenkins (John Larroquette) who is essentially made of awesome. I like the mythology, the villains (you can do considerably worse than Matt Frewer, especially if he’s wearing a Santa hat on his head), and am generally grateful for a show that has neatly filled the hole in my heart that Warehouse 13 and Leverage left behind.
That isn’t to say The Librarians doesn’t have its problems. As much fun as I had with the finale, I ultimately felt the Big Showdown was kind of a letdown. And Noah Wyle, while occasionally funny, doesn’t always work for me, even in the limited role that he has. I can’t believe I’m saying this because I have such a kink for manic boys, but sometimes I really wish Wyle would dial it back a notch or twelve because I don’t think the Full-On Crazy works for him as well as it does on other people. If Matt Smith were playing the role, hells YES. I adore Matt Smith’s manic like no other. But Noah Wyle probably only hits the mark for me about half the time.
Plus . . . I just can’t quite buy Baird and Flynn.
I want to. I love the idea that instead of a will-they-or-won’t-they relationship, Baird and Flynn just straight up got together in the first episode. That’s kind of refreshing. And I probably could’ve bought a one-night stand or (maybe) even a series of casual hook-ups, but I feel like the show treats them more like a long-distance relationship, and I just don’t see it. The chemistry between the two actors is only so-so at best, and I don’t think there’s really much basis for a deeper, emotional connection.
Still, I really loved the hell out of this show, and I desperately hope it gets renewed for a second season. I’d love to see what they do with it. I feel like there are a lot of places they could go.
You might think a show about librarians saving the world from magic, fairy tales, and hilariously awful minotaurs would be the frontrunner in the race for the silliest show on television, but you’d be wrong because — Galavant. Oh, Galavant.
Galavant, if you’re unfamiliar, was an eight-episode musical fantasy parody, in essentially the same vein as Robin Hood: Men in Tights, and at several points it was quite hilarious. Some highlights include an epic duel between Galavant and Sir John Stamos, a cheerful song about poisoning the rich, a less cheerful song about teamwork, drunkenly singing and tiptoeing through the castle, and of course Madalena’s response to Galavant’s belief that true love always wins over fame and fortune: “Actually . . .”
But I did find Galavant pretty uneven, particularly for such a short show. The humor didn’t always work for me, particularly when it came to King Richard’s stuff . . . which is interesting, actually, because I adore Timothy Omundson and the 112% performance he gives in every scene is actually one of the great delights of the show. I just wasn’t really happy where they went with a lot of his plot/character stuff.
The structure of the show felt messy too, stuffed with filler in the middle and chaotic near the end. (For instance, the cousin seemed hugely random to me. He wasn’t terrible, I guess, but I was just like, Really? We’re going to throw in this character NOW?) The whole point of a minimized season is to cut out all the extraneous bits and create a more streamlined experience, which Galavant failed to do. And I’ll admit to being disappointed that the finale was so open-ended, especially because I don’t expect it to get a Season Two.
If Galavant does get a second season, I’ll probably try it. I mean, I don’t regret watching the show — I appreciate ABC gambling on it at all, and I do think there’s definitely potential to improve. But I won’t be devastated if it gets cancelled, either. (Whereas I would be ridiculously disappointed if The Librarians got cancelled. It’s just so charming. Please don’t cancel The Librarians, TNT!)
Now don’t misunderstand me — I really like Agents of SHIELD. If you’re looking for likeminded haters, look elsewhere because it’s one of my favorite shows on TV right now, and I’m super excited it’s back. (Fitz, in particular, has been incredible this season.) But AoS’s return means Agent Carter’s departure, and despite the near universal praise its received, its return to television is no sure thing. This saddens me.
I wish I’d thought to write down some notes along the way for a Season 1 review, but alas, I did not, in fact, have my various (rubber) ducks in a row. So today’s review may be brief as well as characteristically late. But, hey, it’s something, right?
SUMMARY:
After the events of Captain America: The First Avenger, Peggy (Hayley Atwell) goes to work for the SSR, where no one takes her seriously. But when Howard Stark (Dominic Cooper) is accused of treason, Peggy risks everything by partnering up with his butler, Edwin Jarvis (James D’Arcy), to clear Stark’s name.
I really should start doing more Five Minute Cosplays. It’s fun to search around your apartment and hunt for whatever you can find that will even somewhat resemble the character you want to dress up as, although it is distressing to note that out of the 40+ hats I own, not one of them is as awesome as Peggy’s amazing red hat. I should probably work on that. (I also still don’t have a Jayne hat, which is just ridiculous at this point. I am getting a Maleficent hat, though. Because that will be useful in my everyday life.)
2. But enough about hats. Let’s talk about the actual show and how wonderful Hayley Atwell really is in it.
Because she is wonderful. She is basically perfect. I liked Atwell well enough in Captain America (except for that one time she tried to kill Captain America because she went inexplicably CRAZY) but it was definitely her Marvel One-Shot that made me fall madly in love. That’s when I was on board. That’s when I was like HELL YES. And neither Hayley Atwell nor the show itself has disappointed me at all.
It’s not just all the ass-kicking, either, although obviously that’s a lot of fun. (Like, so much fun.) It’s all the other smaller moments: for instance, when Peggy cries at a time when a reasonable person totally might. Maybe you think that’s an odd bit to single out, but I was so happy with this scene because sometimes I feel like writers try to strip their strong female characters of all emotion, like there can’t be a balance, like a woman can’t kick ass and have feelings all at the same time. On the other hand, a lot of other writers create these ridiculously stoic female characters who breakdown at just the right moment so that a good man and inevitable love interest might comfort them. It gets frustrating.
Peggy doesn’t come off like either of those cliches, though. Peggy comes off as a real woman, and that’s partly due to writing and partly due to Hayley Atwell’s crisp, layered performance. She is perfectly cast in the role. Also, she has a weirdly charming American accent, which is nothing I’ve ever said about anyone ever. American accents are either passable or they aren’t, and are rarely said to be particularly delightful; nevertheless, when Peggy has to use an American accent for a couple of scenes, she just sounds . . . cute. I fully admit that I may have grown a crush on Hayley Atwell.
3. I also feel that a lot of Agent Carter’s success has to do with the fact that the show is being helmed by two female showrunners: Tara Butters and Michelle Fazekas. Which isn’t to say that men can’t write or develop good female characters, obviously, but I do feel that a lot of my problem with the fictional ladies in Hollywood today is that we’ve had too many male perspectives on women and not nearly enough female perspectives. There are female writers, directors, and showrunners, but there certainly aren’t a lot of them and even fewer in the action, SF, fantasy, and horror genres.
I bring this up specifically because there are some really nice scenes in Agent Carter where Peggy forces her male coworkers and/or allies to see how they’ve used her or tried to fit her into some kind of preconceived notion of what she should be, what they need her to be. And these are great scenes, ones I’m not sure would have happened if the show runners had been men — not because all men are misogynistic dickwads or anything, but because there are problems that women regularly face that men just don’t, and it may simply not occur to them. It’s refreshing to see some of these problems addressed here.
4. No matter how fantastic your lead is, of course, they can’t carry a show on their own. Thankfully, Agent Carter has an equally fantastic supporting cast.
Prior to watching this, the only thing I’d ever seen James D’Arcy in was Cloud Atlas. Now, I had some pretty serious problems with that movie, but I thought he was easily one of the best things it had going for it, so I was hopeful that I’d enjoy him here as well. I had no idea, however, how much I’d like him. Jarvis is just so wonderfully charming. He’s dry and funny, and I could watch him banter back and forth with Peggy Carter for hours. His scenes with Hayley Atwell are just the best.
Enver Gjokaj is another one of those guys I just can’t figure out. Dollhouse had its fair share of problems, but Gjokaj was undeniably phenomenal in it. I mean, this guy just has talent falling out of his butt, and let’s be honest: he’s not exactly hard on the eyes, either. I really thought that he’d become, like, a Big Deal, but for the most part, he hasn’t seemed to have found that much Hollywood success. So I’m at least happy to find him here because that guy deserves work, and because he makes Sousa so much more interesting than most actors would have. Sousa’s little moments of irritability are really what make the character, and that’s all in Gjokaj’s excellent delivery.
My, Chad Michael Murray has grown up, hasn’t he? I honestly don’t think I would have recognized him if I hadn’t known he was going to be in the show. We’ve come a long way from One Tree Hill. (Okay, let’s be real here: I’ve never even seen, like, a second of that show. But he’s definitely come a long way from the remake of House of Wax.)
It’d be easy to make jokes about a former teen heartthrob, but actually I think Murray is pretty solid here. He’s got a good arc and while some people seem surprised by how it concluded, I thought his decision in the finale seemed perfectly in character. (Bah. It’s so much harder to do write-ups when you decide you aren’t going to do big spoilers.)
Dooley, like Jack, could easily be a caricature, but his character develops nicely over the course of the season, and I think Shea Wigham gives a very good performance. He’s occasionally an ass (maybe more than occasionally), but he’s definitely funny and not unintelligent, either, even if it does take him some time to see Carter for what she’s really worth. I could watch this actor in more things. (Actually, I did. He’s also in this little movie I just saw called The Kill Room, which wasn’t terrible, even if it did focus WAY too much on Chloe Sevigny’s eyes.)
Sadly, I can’t talk too much about Dottie without getting into Spoilers. But I couldn’t leave her out entirely, so I’m just going to say this: she’s pretty damn awesome. I adore Dottie. I just love everything about her. She’d be pretty fun to cosplay too, probably in an Agent Carter group endeavor. (Maybe with a handcuff around one wrist.)
Unfortunately, Angie doesn’t have too much to do in this first season other than to provide comic relief, but Fonseca is pretty charming regardless. I like Angie, and I hope she has more plot relevant stuff to do in Season 2. (You know, assuming there IS a Season 2.)
5. Without spoilers, I’m afraid I can’t talk about a lot of the most awesome things that happen during the series. (I considered creating a Spoiler Section, but honestly, I’m tired and I just don’t feel like it.) So here is a vague list of some of the things that I enjoyed:
A. Angie’s acting.
B. The radio shows (Note: while there really aren’t any spoilers in this clip, the quality is fairly lousy. Just so you’re aware.)
C. A Captain America cameo.
D. Breaking out of an interview room.
E. What they find in Belarus.
F. Moving on.
G. ALL the fight scenes
H. Earplugs
QUOTES:
(Disclaimer: I don’t think there are any major spoilers in these quotes, but I didn’t go out of my way to alter them for spoiler-phobes, either. If you haven’t seen the show, you may want to skip. Also, you should really just go watch the show.)
Peggy: “You’re new to espionage, aren’t you?”
Jarvis: “Far from it. Last summer I caught the cook pocketing the good spoons.”
Colleen (with a cold): “I think I have tuberculosis.”
Peggy: “Thanks for this, by the way. You loaned it to me last night while you were at work.”
Colleen: “It looks better on you. Kind of a thing that might really catch a man’s eye. Say on a date?”
Peggy: “Don’t hold your breath. Especially with tuberculosis.”
Colleen: “You know there’s a difference between being an independent woman and a spinster.” Peggy: “Is it the shoes?”
Daniel: “Poor guy. I heard he got his personality shot off in Iwo Jima.”
Peggy: “Is he a regular?”
Angie: “Yeah. But a regular what, I’m not allowed to say that on the clock.”
Peggy: “Comfortable back there, Mr. Jarvis?”
Jarvis: “Perfectly, thank you. These racks of explosives have distracted me from the smell of stale milk.”
Jarvis: “In polite society, one telephones ahead before trespassing.”
Peggy: “I imagine strange women traipsing through the property isn’t a completely unusual occurrence.”
Jarvis: “That’s a fair point.”
Angie: “I got a bottle of schnapps and half a rhubarb pie. Let’s see which one makes us sick first.”
Peggy: “You bet against me? How could you be sure?”
Daniel: “I wasn’t. That’s why they call it gambling.”
Jarvis: “For God’s sake, will you please stop shooting things?”
Dottie: “Can you make me one of these that holds pickles?”
Dum Dum: “What would Cap say if I left his best girl behind?”
Peggy: “He’d say do as Peggy says.”
Dum Dum: “Wahoo!”
Peggy: “Stop ‘wahooing’ and help!”
Peggy: “I’ll miss you.”
Dum Dum: “Miss you too, Peg. Wait a second. Miss U . . . Miss Union Jack. What do you think, fellas?”
Peggy: “Never speak again.”
Jack: “Why do you work here?”
Peggy: “To uphold democracy. Did you need a reminder?”
Jack: “But the rest of us get to do more than take lunch orders.”
Peggy: “You’ll never know the thrill of wondering whether Agent Yauch is in the mood for a club sandwich.”
Jack: “I just don’t see how you lost her.”
Daniel: “I couldn’t exactly outrun her, Jack. Besides, you’re not exactly getting a medal of valor for your performance.”
Peggy: “I am a federal agent, Mr. Jarvis.”
Jarvis: “Yes, finely trained and skilled in the art of fetching coffee. These men you call your colleagues, they don’t respect you. They don’t even see you. Do you honestly expect they’ll change their minds?”
Peggy: “I expect I will make them.”
Peggy: “You think you know me, but I’ve never been more than what each of you has created. To you, I’m a stray kitten left on your doorstep to be protected. The secretary turned damsel in distress. The girl on the pedestal, transformed into some daft whore.”
Peggy: “Mr. Jarvis, how would you feel if we smashed that mirror with this table?”
Jarvis: “I would feel splendid about it.”
Peggy: “All right. we pick it up, and then on the count of three . . .”
Jarvis: “Battering ram. Ready?”
Peggy and Jarvis: “1 . . . 2 . . .”
Jarvis: “Wait. What if there are people behind this mirror that we’re breaking?”
Peggy: “Then they may get hurt. There’ll be a spray of glass.”
Jarvis: “I see.”
Peggy and Jarvis: “1 . . . 2 . . .”
Jarvis: “Wait! What if these hypothetical people behind the mirror have guns?”
Peggy: “Then we may get hurt. There will be a spray of bullets.”
Jarvis: “I see.”
Peggy: “I just realized something.”
Jarvis: “We’re still attached to the table.”
Peggy: “We’re still attached to the table.”
Peggy: “I conducted my own investigation because no one listens to me. I got away with it because no one looks at me.”
Peggy: “Have you ever been hanged, Mr. Jarvis?”
Jarvis: “I can’t say I have, no.”
Peggy: “It is quite unpleasant.”
Jarvis: “I owe Howard Stark a great deal, but he does not own my integrity.”
Peggy: “Steve is gone. We have to move on — all of us. As impossible as that may sound, we have to let him go.”
CONCLUSIONS:
Really well done. Sharp writing, acting, pretty much everything, really. Please don’t cancel it, ABC. Don’t take away my show forever.
MVP:
Hayley Atwell
TENTATIVE GRADE:
A
MORAL:
Ladies, you don’t have to settle for merely being a love interest, a damsel in distress, or a Girl Friday. Women kick ass. And they can wear stylish red hats doing it.
You may or may not have noticed that — save Kingsman: The Secret Service – there have been a distinct lack of movie reviews these past few weeks. That’s partially because I went on vacation, partially because I got sick, partially because I’ve been writing other things, and partially because TV has been ruling the St. George household these days. One of the shows we’ve been watching?
The Wire has a reputation for being The Best Show to Ever Exist Ever Ever Ever. And while I’m not sure I’ll go quite that far — I’m unlikely to ever proclaim any show, movie, or book better than all other shows, movies, or books — I’ve got to admit, we just wrapped first season and so far, it’s pretty damn good.
SUMMARY:
When Detective Jimmy McNulty (Dominic West) complains to a judge that nobody is investigating drug kingpin Avon Barksdale (Wood Harris), even though his people keep getting away with murder, a special police detail is created to take Barksdale down. Absolutely NOBODY is happy with McNulty about this. Meanwhile, D’Angelo (Larry Gilliard Jr.), Avon’s nephew and one of those people who just got away with murder, is demoted to running the drug trade in one of the projects.
NOTES:
1. The Wire premiered on HBO in 2002. I didn’t watch it because I was 16 at the time and wouldn’t have access to HBO, Netflix, or Amazon for about a decade. But I doubt I’d have been all that interested anyway; even now, I don’t generally gravitate towards gritty stories about cops, drugs, and Baltimore. (Hell, it took me a good solid moment to remember where Baltimore is, only proving that either I am entirely hopeless or my elementary school teachers quite seriously failed me.)
But I’m glad I started watching it now. The Wire is probably one of the most cleverly structured television shows I’ve ever seen. It’s extremely effective at setting up small moments early on in the season and paying them off in big ways by the end. The balance between the cops and criminals is extremely well done and never goes the easy way out by making it a show about Good Guys vs Bad Guys. The plotting is tight, the dialogue is sharp, and the cast is supremely talented.
2. Which makes it all the more infuriating when you realize that The Wire was only nominated for two Emmys during its entire five year run, both of them for writing. And to add insult to injury, it didn’t win either.
Guys, this is just . . . it’s so utterly unacceptable. By this point in my life, I’m pretty used to all my genre shows being utterly ignored, but The Wire is like what the Emmys were fucking MADE for. The fact that it didn’t manage to garner a single acting or best drama nod is insane, and honestly, I can’t help but feel that if the cast had been primarily white, The Wire would have been positively drowning in Emmy love.
Cause seriously, can I just show you some of the other shows and actors who were chosen over The Wire during it’s 2002-2008 run? CSI got a best drama nomination in 2003. Anthony LaPaglia got a best actor nod for Without a Trace in 2004. Jennifer Garner got a best actress nomination in 2005 for Alias and lost to Patricia Arquette, who won for her work in Medium. None of these actors or shows are necessarily terrible — hell, I enjoyed a few of them — but c’mon. Who in the HELL is going to stand there and tell me that CSI, Without a Trace, Alias, and Medium deserved more acclaim than The Wire? It’s bullshit.
3. There are a LOT of people in this show, and we’re going to discuss many of them. Get comfy.
McNulty’s kind of a judgmental ass sometimes and a pretty terrible parent, but he’s also surprisingly likable. He’s sort of a deconstructed hero, actually — all the usual I’m-the-Smartest-Most-Reckless-Badass-Ever tropes are there, but The Wire isn’t afraid to call him out on his bullshit, either. It’s sort of a nice balance. This is easily the best performance I’ve ever seen from Dominic West, who usually plays total schmucks like Theron in 300, Jasper in 28 Days, or Fred Casely in Chicago. It’s a nice change of pace. He’s also fairly consistent with the accent, I think, although I’m seriously wondering if he and Paul Blackthorne from Arrow have the same vocal coach because their voices sound so similar to me at times. (Though I should stress that West’s accent is SO MUCH BETTER than Blackthorne’s. Sorry, Lance. I generally like you, but you’re not fooling anyone.)
So, yeah. I like McNulty. I do. But when he loses custody of his kids or his liver shrivels up and DIES, I’m not sure how sorry I’m going to feel for him.
I’ve seen Wood Harris pop up now and again on TV, most notably as a guest star on Justified, where he was underused but kind of delightful anyway. This is a much less comedic performance overall, but I like Avon. He’s sort of an interesting character too, mostly because he actually has character. He’s not a horrifying stereotype. He’s not some Fiendish Criminal Mastermind. He’s just the dude in charge — kind of a hothead but not a total idiot. I like that about him.
My God, Idris Elba is a good looking man. I know that’s not really relevant right now, but DAMN. Good. Looking. Man.
Okay. Stringer is Avon’s right hand man and basically seems to be the real brains of the operation. (Again, it’s not that Avon’s dumb, but between the two of them, I’d be way more scared of Stringer.) I don’t know if I have anything really insightful to say about his character right now — I’m not going to talk too much about Idris Elba’s talent because OBVIOUSLY. But I’m really interested to see how his storyline develops post Season 1 because it seems like he’s going to have more to do.
I know Gilliard Jr. from The Walking Dead — one of three Wire alums to join in on the zombie action thus far — and I definitely like him better here. Which only makes sense, as D is a pretty big player in this show, whereas Bob never really felt like a fully developed character to me. But this is good stuff. I don’t know if I exactly like D, but I do grow to feel sorry for him. His arc from beginning to end is pretty damn solid.
Sohn may be the only actor in this whole cast who I was unfamiliar with prior to the show, and so far Kima is definitely one of my favorite characters; in fact, she probably is my favorite character. (Admittedly, it’s a pretty close race. Lots of good people abound.) While she does occasionally makes mistakes (like, arguably two mistakes), Kima actually owns up to them, which is kind of refreshing, honestly. And the rest of the time, she is super competent, which I think everyone knows is something I like in a fictional character. Competence is write up there with a manic smile and daddy issues for Qualities I’m Just Ridiculously, Hopelessly Attracted To.
Between her relationship with her girlfriend, her relationship with her CI, Bubbles, and her relationships with all the other cops, Kima is a strong and fully developed female character. MORE OF THIS, PLEASE.
Bubbles is fun. Rojo is very expressive, and I’m interested to see where his character goes over the course of the show. I loved watching his undercover work — who knew that colorful hats could be so useful? I absolutely put a red hat on Mekaela while we watched this, by the way.
The only problem with Bubbles is that I find his junkie friend — who refuses to take life lessons, even when they violently try to bash their way through his skull — pretty annoying, and I was kind of bored during all the scenes where they’re just hanging around, getting high. If said junkie friend could just go away in Season Two, I would definitely appreciate it.
You don’t get a lot of badass gay characters in Hollywood. Which isn’t to say that there aren’t any good gay roles, of course, but — there aren’t, like, tons of them, and they’re rarely of the Ominously Whistling, Let Me Just Kill This Motherfucker variety. But Omar is that guy, and he is delightful. I’m super happy with him so far.
The only thing I’ve seen Michael Kenneth Williams in prior to this is Community, which he guest starred on a couple of times. Now I absolutely HAVE to watch the Law & Order parody episode again. Cause, you know. “A man’s gotta have a code.”
Freamon is pretty excellent, too — he and Omar are probably Kima’s main competition when it comes to Carlie’s Favorite Character. In fact, I liked Freamon almost immediately, especially in a scene early-on when most of the cops are totally failing at this semi-simple task, and he’s just sitting back, smirking, because he’s already figured out what they’re doing wrong. Freamon is also exceptionally competent, and it’s sort of enjoyable when you realize that despite having worked in the Pawn Shop Unit for a bazillion years, he’s actually a superior detective to McNulty.
I do wonder about Freamon, though. Maybe it’s just some residual impressions from Peters’s run on Person of Interest, but towards the very end I couldn’t help but wonder if Freamon might eventually become corrupt or go a little Dark Side. Honestly, I’m not really sure where that’s coming from, though. Maybe I’m just naturally suspicious of people who make tiny doll furniture.
I’m primarily familiar with Lance Reddick from Fringe, and in a way, Daniels doesn’t seem like such a huge stretch from Broyles. You know, they could be cranky, taciturn cousins, only Daniels deals with bullshit police politics and Broyles deals with mad scientists who use LSD to enter the minds of unresponsive FBI agents. He’s a bit more sympathetic here, though, because (like Gilliard Jr) he’s a bigger player in The Wire and we actually get to see a few more sides to him. Including — and this was shocking — a smile.
I’m serious, guys. I’ve watched Lance Reddick in one season of The Wire, five season of Fringe, and a few episodes of both Lost and The Blacklist, and this man does not crack a smile, ever — except here where in one episode he full on grins and reveals that he actually has adorable bunny teeth.
John Doman pops up all the time — most currently, he’s starring as Falcone on Gotham — and he is well-versed in the art of playing an asshole. Still, I think he might master his craft here. What makes Rawls so particularly great is that he isn’t as one-note as you might initially assume. I actually find him pretty funny, and I am a huge fan of how his and McNulty’s storyline plays out.
Ack! It’s baby Michael B. Jordan! I first saw this guy in Chronicle, where he is DEFINITELY more grown up. It was kind of a trip to watch him here. (Wallace is 16 but looks 12 to me — although maybe that’s because I first watched him as a 25-year-old playing an 18-year-old. Oh, typical Hollywood.)
And I like Wallace. I think he is monumentally stupid at some points, but I can’t help but feel for the kid. He doesn’t have it easy, in this show, and it’s hard not to feel sorry for him, even if he does brings some of that trouble on himself.
Finally — and that’s only because I’m giving up and skipping several other key players for Time Constraints/Fear of Carpal Tunnel — here are the guys Mekaela and I dubbed the Wonder Twins. Let me assure you that we meant this in the most sarcastic sense possible.
The thing is, in the pilot? Mek and I both liked these guys. They worked with Kima in Narcotics, and it seemed like they were a pretty solid team — until the second episode when they turned into a couple of incompetent dickbags. Which was disappointing — I so wanted to like Deaton. (And can I just say, Seth Gilliam has had the strangest TV career? He starred in critically lauded shows like The Wire and Oz, only to go to . . . TeenWolf? I mean, The Walking Dead, I get — it’s genre, but it’s critically acclaimed enough that non-genre fans can assure themselves that they enjoy it because “it’s not really about the zombies; it’s about HUMANITY.” But Teen Wolf is about bad werewolf makeup, good character dynamics, and homoeroticism — no one’s watching Teen Wolf if they’re closeted SF and fantasy fans. Anyway, I just think HBO to MTV is an interesting career leap.)
It’s fair to say, though, that — on the rewatch — I discovered their bullshit actually is brought up in the pilot. I just took it as all talk. It’s also fair to point out that I enjoyed the Wonder Twins more by the end of the first season. They’re certainly not my favorite characters and they consistently continue to make dumb ass decisions, but they do begin to function as the task force’s main comic reliefs and not just as asshole fuck-ups. So I could at least somewhat enjoy them in that capacity.
4. I will say this: The Wire is like the anti-PSA for drunk driving. Good God. Between this and Cougar Town, I’m actually concerned for my liver. (She says while trying a hard cider. Verdict: it’s not bad. Hey, maybe I’ve finally found a pub drink!)
5. Finally, there’s a limit to what else I can say without Spoilers, let me just offer up a list of scenes that I especially enjoyed in the first season:
The Desk Dilemma
The Great Pet-Sitting Misunderstanding
The Exploration of How Many Different Ways Two People Can Use the Word “Fuck” Whilst Investigating a Homicide
The Complete Verbal Shutdown of Ervin Burrell
The Most Badass Whistle of All Time
The Search For a Missing Officer, and . . .
The Profanity-Laced Absolution Offered From the Most Unlikely of Sources
If you, like me, have also failed the Television Gods by not watching The Wire, I’d suggest that you don’t read on any further and give it a try. For my money, it’s pretty impressive, or at least the first season is.
SPOILERS
SPOILERS
SPOILERS
SPOILERS
SPOILERS
In no way am I going to try and write a recap of everything that happened in Season One. I have zero interest in doing that. But I would like to discuss a few things I couldn’t talk about earlier, like how watching television in the current “Holy Shit Did You See Who Got Killed Last Week” era may have ruined Mekaela and I for watching any television show that aired before Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead.
Case in point: Mek and I made a bet during the pilot about which cop would be killed by the end of the season, a bet we both lost because none of the cops were killed. I mean, shocking, right? Although I guess Mek would ultimately have to be declared the winner because at least her choice (Kima) did come seriously close to dying. The only thing that happened to Bunk (Wendell Pierce) was that he got hugely drunk in one episode and set his clothes on fire in a bathtub. Oh, classic Bunk.
Kima, meanwhile, nearly died when she got shot in an undercover op. Pretty much everything about this was great — well, not the part where my favorite character got shot, but the part where she didn’t actually die worked pretty well for me. Also, the scene where the other cops are trying to find her is tense as hell, and I just downright loved the scene where Rawls comforts McNulty, primarily by swearing at him.
See, Rawls is mightily pissed at McNulty over the course of the first season and is looking to exact revenge in any way possible, including getting him thrown off the force. We’ve already seen Rawls ask another cop to spy on McNulty, looking for anything they can fire him over. (Drunk driving seems the most likely possibility.) When Kima is shot, you’re thinking, Okay, here we go: Rawls is totally going to blame this screwup on McNulty somehow. But Rawls — showing a surprising and absolutely welcome moment of character development — reveals that this is a line he won’t cross. It’s a really solid scene and great work by John Doman and Dominic West.
Of course, not everyone in this show makes it out alive. Save Kima, the cops are largely left unscathed — at least physically — but the same could hardly be said for Avon’s crew.
So, when I said Wallace doesn’t have it easy in this show? Yeah, well, what I meant was that his two of his own childhood friends murder him on Stringer Bell’s say-so. Mind you, some of this is his own godamn fault. Wallace ends up snitching to the cops because of all the guilt he feels over his part in this one guy’s death. Which is fine — he goes to live with his grandmother out in the country to keep himself out of harm’s way. The problem arises when he can’t hack it in the country — cause, like, crickets — so he decides to come back to the Pit.
This is so not okay. I mean, I get it — crickets can be loud motherfuckers. And I know that Wallace has left behind everything he’s ever known and it must be scary as hell, particularly when you’re trying to make a new start with a grandparent you barely even know. And yeah, this kind of thing isn’t my world. I’m a white girl from the sticks, so the hell do I know about drugs in West Baltimore? Still, I feel pretty confident that there’s really no going back once you make the decision to snitch on your crew. (To be fair to Wallace, Stringer never actually knows that the kid snitched on them. He only knows that Wallace is a potential loose end and that things are too shaky to be dealing with loose ends. Still. Why, kid, WHY?)
Despite all this, it’s really sad when Bodie and Poot murder Wallace, especially because the scene is intercut with the cops looking for him, like there’s a chance they might find Wallace in time. (There is zero actual chance of that.) Damn you, Bodie and Poot. Now how am I supposed to like you two? There’s something particularly cold about asking the kid’s own childhood buddies to do the deed. I am now imagining my own childhood friends having murdered me, and it’s just so much meaner than, you know, all my other friends murdering me.
Throwback Thursday (on a Monday.) Christ, those glasses were terrible.
Lindsey and Chris, don’t get any ideas. I fight back.
While we’re on the subject of children, though, let’s move on to McNulty’s because I’d like to think we can all agree that he deserves to lose custody of them.
McNulty — like so, so many protagonists — is going through a messy divorce and is fighting to see his kids more. And I was more or less sympathetic to his cause, right up to the point where he actually lost his children after asking them to track a dangerous criminal for him.
Yes. McNulty just happens to spot Stringer Bell while shopping with his two boys. McNulty knows that he can’t get close, so he tells his kids to follow him through the market. Cause, you know. Spy games. And while, sure, it’s daytime and Stringer Bell isn’t the kind of out of control psychopath who’s likely to kill a couple of children in the middle of the day (particularly if he knows they’re a cop’s kids), he’s still partially in charge of, like, a drug EMPIRE. He orders hits on people: little Wallace, for one, and also Omar’s boyfriend, Brandon — and Brandon, you guys? He dies badly. Stringer is unequivocally NOT a nice dude.
Maybe I wouldn’t have called an emergency custody session like McNulty’s wife does, but I would absolutely have fed that shit to my lawyer and used it to get my kids away from him. McNulty’s ex might seem like a bitch and, hey, maybe she is one, but until I see her use her children as baby spies? Yeah, I’m going to guess she’s the better parent of the two.
What else — well, how about surprises? Like, who thought the awul cop who accidentally shoots walls and blinds kids for no reason would actually end up being hugely instrumental to Avon Barksdale’s takedown?
I did consider Carver but initially discounted him for the other Wonder Twin, Herc. Then I had what I thought was a pretty awesome epiphany — in a twist, the mole was never on the team but would instead turn out to be Daniels’s wife. I can’t remember what the hell she does for a living (or if they ever said), but it seemed like she was pretty chummy at that big party with all the politicians and the police upper-ups. And we see a handful of scenes where Daniels tells her all about his case, so I thought he was inadvertently his own leak. Alas, it turns out to be Carver after all.
Damn it, Deaton. I’m so disappointed in you, man.
Of course, I’m also curious to see what happens to you — and to everyone else in this show. At the end of Season One, the task force is disbanded with everyone going their own separate ways, either back to their old departments (like Herc) or to new ones (like McNulty, who gets demoted, or Freamon, who gets promoted — and gets a near-sighted stripper girlfriend to boot). I feel like any attempt to get the whole band back together in a new task force would seem awfully contrived, and yet we’ve spent a whole season with these characters. While a few of them (like Sydnor in Auto Theft, for instance) could probably disappear with ease, I can’t imagine them getting rid of everyone — and that goes for the drug dealers too. Obviously, we’re not going to drop Stringer Bell now that he’s taken over Avon’s crew, but . . . we aren’t really going to spend four seasons trying to arrest him, are we? Because I feel like that’s going to get old long before the end of the show.
Which leaves me wondering — will there be new bad guys? A significant time jump? Will Carver take any of Daniels’s speech to heart? Will Kima come back to duty against the wishes of her girlfriend? (Uh, yeah. Pretty sure she will.) What about Daniels’s wife — will she divorce him because of all the backlash and passed up promotions? Will McNulty find someone’s dead body in the water, which will start the beginning of a new case that will somehow involve Homicide, Narcotics, Auto, and Stringer Bell?
Guess I’ll be tuning in to find out. Same bat time (well, anytime), same bat channel (or Amazon).
QUOTES:
McNulty: “Teach you to give a fuck when it ain’t your turn to give a fuck.”
Bunk (to dead body): “You. Moldering motherfucker, don’t even think about coming back a murder. Don’t even think of that shit.”
Rawls: (flipping McNulty off with both hands) “You see these, McNulty? You see em? These are for you. These are for you for as long as it takes me to get even.”
McNulty: “Major, what — ”
Rawls: “No, don’t ‘Major’ me, you smart-ass, backstabbing piece of shit. What are you even doing at the courthouse anyway? Why are you talking to some shitbag judge? These are for you, McNulty. This one here is going up your narrow fucking Irish ass. And this bad boy here is in your fucking eye.”
Kima: “Fighting the war on drugs, one brutality case at a time.”
Carver: “Girl, you can’t even think of calling this shit a war.”
Herc: “Why not?”
Carver: “Wars end.”
D’Angelo: “Nigga, please, the man who invented them things, just some sad-ass down at the basement of McDonalds, thinking up some shit to make some money for the real players.”
Poot: “Naw, man, that ain’t right.”
D’Angelo: “Fuck right. It ain’t about right; it’s about money. Now you think Ronald McDonald gonna go down in that basement and say, ‘Hey, Mr. Nugget, you the bomb. We selling chicken faster than you can tear the bone out. So I’m gonna write my clowny-ass name on this fat-ass check for you’? Shit, the nigger who invented them things still working in the basement still thinking up some shit that can make the fries taste better or some shit like that.”
Kima: “How complex a code can it be if these knuckleheads are using it? Then again, what does it say about us if we can’t break it?”
McNulty: “Lester, are we still cops?”
Freamon: “Technically, I guess.”
Daniels: “I’m embarrassed for you all.”
Landsman: “Last night I’m at home. I’m sitting up buck naked and I got one hand wrapped around a cold domestic beer and the other wrapped around my magnificent flaccid four-and-one-half-inch wonder, and I’m trying with all my might to remember what Layla Kauffman’s nipples looked like when her bathing top slipped at the Hillandale pool party.”
Rawls: “Layla Kauffman?”
Landsman: “Yes, sir. It’s the summer of ’72. I’ve got the saucy wench in my gun sights, so to speak, and uh, I’m dangerously close to engorged — when all of a fucking sudden, out of fucking nowhere, fucking detective fucking Jimmy McNulty pops into my head.”
Rawls: “McNulty?”
Landsman: “Obviously I’ve got to open my eyes and admit that my whole night is ruined. At which point I’ve got nothing to do but think about the problems of Jimmy McNulty. Because clearly this guy and his problems are standing between me and worldly pleasure.”
Avon: “How come you wearing that suit, B? For real, it’s 85 fucking degrees out here and you trying be like fucking Pat Riley.”
Wee-Bey: “You pretending to take money out this truck I didn’t even know was there.”
Carver: “You know, I know how that shit is. The other day, I took off the sofa cushions off my couch? Found a buck forty I didn’t even know was there.”
Judge Phelan: “McNulty, I hold you in contempt.”
McNulty: “Who doesn’t?”
Kima: “Anyway, what took you so long getting up in here? Shit, no cards, no flowers. I mean, what the fuck, Jimmy?”
Jimmy: “I couldn’t, I . . . I felt . . . well, a case like this, it’s always you or Sydnor or some other black cop who ends up going undercover. I swear, if I could do it over? If I . . . ”
Kima: “If I could do it over, you know what I’d do? Put more tape on that fucking gun.”
Jimmy: “I’m sorry, Kima. I’m sorry.”
Kima: “Anyway. Since I got you up in here acting like my bitch and shit, with all your guilty ass crying and whatnot, maybe you can do something for me.”
Carver: “See, that’s why we can’t win.”
Herc: “Why not?”
Carver: “They fuck up, they get beat. We fuck up, we get pensions.”
Daniels: “You do what you feel. You wanna pull Avon in on half a case, you go ahead. You wanna put my shit in the street, feel free. But the Eastern had a lot of stories — mine ain’t the only one. A lot of people came through that district. If you were gonna do me, I’d already be done. But there ain’t nothin’ you fear more than a bad headline, is there? You’d rather live in shit than let the world see you work a shovel. You can order warrants, and I’ll serve ‘em. But as long as I have days left on those dead wires, this case goes on.”
D’Angelo: “I just wanna go somewhere where I can breathe like regular folk.”
Carver: “Kima, if you don’t mind my asking, when was it that you first figured that you liked women better than men?”
Kima: “I mind you asking.”
Rawls: “Listen to me, you fuck. You did a lot of shit here. You played a lot of fucking cards. And you made a lot of fucking people do a lot of fucking things they didn’t want to do. This is true. We both know this is true. You, McNulty, are a gaping asshole. We both know this. Fuck if everybody in CID doesn’t know it. But fuck if I’m gonna stand here and say you did a single fucking thing to get a police shot. You did not do this, you fucking hear me? This is not on you. No it isn’t, asshole. Believe it or not, everything isn’t about you. And the motherfucker saying this, he hates your guts, McNulty. So you know if it was on you, I’d be the son of a bitch to say so. Shit went bad. She took two for the company. That’s the only lesson here.”
Kima: “You know, sometimes things just gotta play hard.”
McNulty: “Why’d you ask out of homicide?”
Freamon: “Wasn’t no ask about it.”
McNulty: “You got the boot?”
Freamon: “Uh huh.”
McNulty: “What did you do to piss them off?”
Freamon: “Police work.”
Freamon: “Detective, when they ask you where you want to go — and they are going to ask you where you want to go — do yourself a favor: keep your mouth shut.”
Rawls: “I want to see you land okay, Jimmy. So tell me: where don’t you wanna go?”
CONCLUSIONS:
Damn good first season of what I expect is a damn good show through and through. I think I had one small problem with the whole thing, a scene that I thought we should have actually watched instead of heard summarized. But other than that, really solid stuff. I’m looking forward to watching more of it.
MVP:
I’m giving it to Sonja Sohn today, but Dominic West was a close contender.
TENTATIVE GRADE:
A
MORAL:
If you make the hard decision to snitch on your friends, you’re gonna need to man the hell up when it comes to crickets.
You may remember that, unlike most everyone else in geekdom, I had kind of a meh reaction when I watched the trailer to Marvel’s Daredevil. (This is, by the way, the last time I will actually type out Marvel’s Daredevil. I have every confidence in you guys to figure it out.) Still, I obviously watched the show cause, you know. Nerd.
There are some fairly mild spoilers in here — like I’m going to describe some character dynamics or the Fight Scene That Everyone’s Talking About — but major spoilers will be relegated to the usual Spoiler Section.
SUMMARY:
Matt Murdock (Charlie Cox) got splashed with strange chemicals when he was a kid. As a result, he became Alex Mack went blind but gained heightened senses that secretly aid him in his dual lawyer-by-day, vigilante-by-night gigs. When he and his best friend Foggy (Elden Henson) take on their first client, Karen (Deborah Ann Woll), Matt begins to learn who’s really pulling the strings in the criminal underworld, and wrestles with both the moral dilemma and practical logistics of how to take Wilson Fisk (Vincent D’Onofrio) down.
NOTES:
1. I’m currently enjoying a lot of new TV shows this year, but Daredevil is the one that’s totally and completely eating my brain right now. Mekaela and I marathoned all thirteen episodes in about five days, and it wouldn’t have taken anywhere near that long if Daredevil had aired on a weekend where we didn’t both have to work. (Mekaela works evenings and sleeps during the night like a semi-normal person, whereas I work nights and sleep during the day like a somewhat-less-normal person. It can, unfortunately, make geek-out TV marathons challenging.)
Anyway, I desperately want to see Season Two, like, immediately, but that’s not going to happen for a little while — sometime in 2016, apparently, although with a new showrunner because God both giveth and taketh away simultaneously, I guess. I’m glad it’s been renewed at least– I literally just had to delete an entire paragraph from this review where I worried about its return. Not because there was really any cause — Daredevil seems to have been a pretty massive hit, critically and commercially, and it’s hard to imagine there wouldn’t be a second season — but because Marvel is releasing three other superhero shows (A.K.A. Jessica Jones, Luke Cage, and Iron Fist) on Netflix, not to mention team-up series The Defenders, and I didn’t have any idea what would come first. I was concerned I’d have to wait until, like, 2017 or something, which obviously would have been unacceptable.
Now, I only have one year to wait. Fanfiction, you must sustain me.
2. A lot of people have been comparing this show to other superhero shows. I have zero interest in doing that here, so if you’re looking for a list of reasons on how Daredevil is better than Agents of SHIELD or Arrow, you’ll have to look elsewhere. Those kinds of comparisons just tend to get on my nerves.
I will, however, agree with one thing that everyone else is saying: the fight scenes are bloody fantastic.
Guys. GUYS. There are all kinds of great fight scenes in this series — the choreography is just stunning — but the two that stood out for me is Daredevil vs Ninja in “Speak of the Devil” and the Hallway Fight Scene in “Cut Man” (pictured above). If you’ve read other reviews for this series, you’ve undoubtedly already heard all about the latter scene — and too bad, because I have to reiterate just how undeniably awesome it is. The fact that it’s all done in one-take is super neat, and I do enjoy how we stay focused on the hallway itself and only hear the action when the fighting occasionally moves off into the empty rooms. Still, what really makes this scene incredible is how we watch Daredevil, already seriously injured at the beginning of the fight, constantly stagger and trip as he loses energy against those bad guys who keep getting up. It is one of the most realistic superhero fight scenes I’ve ever seen and one of my favorite fight sequence, like, ever.
3. Now, what don’t I agree with everyone about? Probably Wilson Fisk.
Let me be clear: I don’t hate Fisk. While not particularly enraptured by him upon his first appearance — ugh, all those awkward dinner scenes — the guy does grow on me as an arch-nemesis. Several things are done well in regards to his character (particularly this one scene where he’s looking at his reflection — it’s just fantastically creepy), and he is certainly leagues above most Marvel villains. (Though let’s be honest: that’s not exactly setting a high bar at this point, is it? The fact that he even has character makes him better than Red Skull, Malekith, and the Abomination combined.)
Still, I’ve read several reviews that say Vincent D’Onofrio nearly or entirely steals the show in Daredevil, and that just wasn’t my experience at all. D’Onofrio does a completely decent job with Fisk (although I couldn’t help occasionally mocking his speech, like his growling hissing of ci-ty,) but I also never considered him a serious MVP contender, and the characteristics that I keep seeing people praise — Fisk is socially awkward! Fisk likes culture! Fisk is so similar to Matt! — don’t strike me as terribly original. Especially that last one — I’d have had a lot more respect for the show if the writers hadn’t felt the need to have Fisk actually say, “You and I have a lot in common.” And for Matt to immediately follow up with, “We’re nothing alike.” Cause seriously, that dialogue is straight out of Villain Cliche 101. Trust your audience to put that shit together, guys, cause it really wasn’t all that hard.
I won’t say Fisk is necessarily the weakest part of the show, but I will say that, for me, he’s generally the least interesting part. If I enjoy a Fisk scene, it generally has very little to do with him and more to do with the characters who surround him. Like Mrs. Gao. Or Wesley.
4. All in all, though, Daredevil boasts a very strong cast. Let’s talk about the rest of them.
Matt’s a pretty compelling lead character. He’s restrained. Charming. Filled with attractive Catholic man-pain. (This is very different from whiny Catholic man-pain, but it’s hard to put into words on exactly how they differentiate. And no, it’s not just abs. Though, obviously, those don’t hurt. Also, he can pull off angsty scruff! This is big — not every man can.)
Cox does mild-mannered very well — he is British, after all — and he does this sort of backtrack stutter thing that I enjoy. But he’s also convincingly intimidating when he needs to be. There’s a lot of anger riding underneath the surface, and watching it explode can be pretty fun. (I will take all the scenes of Matt beating the hell out of a punching bag, please.) And his accent isn’t too bad — I catch it, now and then, but I’m not sure I would’ve noticed if I hadn’t already been familiar with Cox from Stardust. I don’t know if it’s really a New York accent, exactly, but then, nobody else really seems to bother with that on this show, either.
I’ve liked Henson in all kinds of things — Idle Hands, The Mighty, my very favorite episode of Psych — but Foggy is probably my favorite role of his to-date. Guy’s got comic relief down pat, but he also gets the chance to show some greater emotional range, especially in later episodes. His chemistry with Charlie Cox really sells their friendship — I adore their flashback scenes to college — and, well. He’s just so likable. He could’ve been a butcher!
I wouldn’t mind if Foggy had some secrets of his own second season. I’m not sure what those would be, exactly, but I am hoping to delve deeper into his character — as is always my wish when it comes to sidekicks and best friends.
I like Karen a lot, but I think she easily has the potential to be the most problematic character. She does a couple of dumb and/or selfish things that have some pretty serious consequences, and I’m not even remotely interested in the love triangle that’s hinted at between her, Foggy, and Matt. (I don’t care if it’s in the comics or not. Please creators. PLEASE don’t do this.)
Still, for the most part, Karen works really well for me. A lot of that has to do with Deborah Ann Woll, who I really enjoyed in True Blood and was quite happy to see here. She keeps Karen interesting and likable, which is a neat trick, considering that too many actresses in similar roles of Truth-Seeker tend to shoot for conviction and end up at preachy and one-note.
The other thing I like about Karen is that she has her own story, both a briefly touched upon past and a driving goal throughout the season. Eventually, everyone’s main goals kind of merge together, but it means a lot to me that Karen begins the story with her own agenda, considering she’s clearly set up to be a love interest for Matt Murdoch. One of my biggest problems with superhero love interests is that they seldom seem to have lives of their own — everything they want generally revolves entirely around the hero. Karen doesn’t exist solely for Matt, and that’s awesome. What would be even more awesome? Karen continuing to exist for herself after she inevitably starts dating Matt. Let’s pray.
Claire is really more of a guest star than a main cast member on Daredevil, but she steals the show so hard in every scene she’s in. Seriously, I like the hell out of Claire. And this isn’t just about Rosario Dawson being sexy as hell (though, again, this doesn’t hurt) — she just has the most natural reactions. I love watching her work, and she has crazy awesome chemistry with Charlie Cox.
Claire isn’t a Badass in Leather type — this is a far cry from Gail in Sin City — but there is something undeniably badass about her here. I’m excited that she’ll show up in other shows; in fact, she’s the main reason I’m interested in Luke Cage right now.
Oh, I like Ben in this. I wish I had something more critically useful to say than that, but . . . . yeah, that’s about what I have. Curtis-Hall is very solid as a jaded reporter who once broke the biggest stories in the city and now has to write about subway station colors. (About the only thing I don’t like here, actually, are the cheap shots made to online journalism. Those rang a little false to me.) My favorite scenes with him might be the ones where he’s with his wife. There aren’t really that many of them, but man, Vondie Curtis-Hall and Adriane Lenox make them work.
Wesley is Fisk’s second-in-command/best friend and he is just THE BEST. I don’t even know if I can properly articulate my love for Wesley. He’s just super calm, controlled, snide, loyal — the quintessential right-hand man. We get a decent amount of flashbacks in Daredevil (not, like, Lost or Arrow numbers, but still); sadly, however, there are no flashbacks dedicated to the origin of Wesley and Fisk’s friendship. Not that the show needs them, and like I said, I generally prefer the scenes without Fisk. Still, for Wesley, I would’ve had interest.
Also, fun fact: Toby Leonard Moore is Australian, and I never heard his accent slip once. Didn’t even think about it until after I finished watching first season. Not bad, man.
I wasn’t crazy about Vanessa initially, but I warmed up to her pretty fast. Unfortunately, I don’t want to say too much about her here because of Spoilers, so I’ll just say that I feared she was going to be one trope followed by another trope . . . and instead she turned out pretty okay.
Like Ben, I’m not really sure that I have anything particularly insightful to share about Madame Gao, but I didn’t want to leave her out because she’s pretty awesome. It’s true, sometimes, that she talks like a fortune cookie, but she never feels like a shitty stereotype to me. Maybe other people feel differently, I’m not sure. I just know that I was rooting for her the whole time. I enjoyed watching the respect and fear she commands from big, strong, (and emotionally unstable) men like Fisk.
McRobbie really works well for me as Father Lantom. His scenes with Matt are fantastic, primarily because Father Lantom is interesting and funny and full of character, not just some cardboard cutout of a priest saying, “Don’t do that, my son.” I mean, essentially, that is Father Lantom’s whole role in the show — he’s pretty firmly on the ‘Do Not Kill’ side of things, as you might expect — but unlike his counterpart in Daredevil the movie, he seems like an actual person as well as Matt Murdoch’s personal Jiminy Cricket. Which is nice. To Kill or Not To Kill is pretty much the oldest superhero conflict there is, but because it’s handled well here, it doesn’t make me wanna hit my head against a wall. (Unlike in other shows — Arrow and Teen Wolf being prime offenders.)
Cause for me, it’s never about what decisions the characters ultimately make — I like heroes who fall on both sides of the argument — but that I buy those decisions when they’re made, based on the journey they took to making them. And I do here.
Finally, I’m mostly bringing up Leland because Bob Gunton is one of the most typecast actors I’ve ever seen in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever watched this guy play anyone but an asshole. In fact, when he initially popped up, I was like, Dude, did you seriously just hop straight out of Broken Arrow? You appear to be playing the exact same part.
Despite this, Gunton actually makes me laugh several times as the series progresses. He’s obviously competent in the part — the man has had at least twenty years to perfect churlish and snarky — but just once I wanna see this man play some nice fuzzy grandfather type. Just once.
5. The two biggest complaints I’ve been seeing about Daredevil so far are a) violence to women, and b) torture scenes. These are important concerns, but I’ll be honest: neither of those things particularly bothered me in this show. I don’t object to violence towards women on television as long as a) violence is not only done to women, b) women aren’t present in the show only to get beat up. If they have actual character and character arcs, and the violence stems from natural consequence of their storylines, I take no issue with it. I felt both those conditions were met here.
And honestly, I just can’t seem to get worked up about fictional torture. I know there’s a discussion to be had there, but it’s not one I’m particularly passionate about at present.
I feel like I’m leaving stuff out — maybe the discussion on how this is different, darker territory for Marvel? Cause it is and that’s really cool — I’m so excited about a superhero show having rated-R levels of violence — but as much as I like Daredevil and Marvel in general, I kind of feel like they’re patting themselves pretty hard on the back about it? Anyway, I guess I’m just sorta done with that discussion, so that’s all you get from me.
Everything else I can think of involves bigger Spoilers, so let’s away to Spoiler Country, shall we? (Unless you haven’t seen the show yet. If that’s the case — go watch the show.)
SPOILERS
SPOILERS
SPOILERS
SPOILERS
SPOILERS
First we must take a moment to mourn the fallen — and by that, I mostly mean Wesley.
Don’t get me wrong — I’m sad about Ben too. I like Ben and I was actually a little surprised when they killed him off, mostly because I figured he was a bigger player in the comics and assumed he’d last past the first season.
But Wesley — look, I’m glad that Karen shot Wesley and rescued herself. I certainly didn’t want her to get killed, but man. Even expecting it, I was still like, “Jimmy, NOOOOO!” when Wesley bought the farm. (Actually, it was a cross between Independence Day and The Mummy Returns — you know, when Rick spears the Scorpion King and Imhotep runs on screen and screams? Yeah, it was basically that.)
Some Other Surprises on Daredevil:
A. Bob Gunton doesn’t die until the very last episode.
That he was going to die was inevitable, of course, but that he survived all the way to the finale, outliving every single Russian — not to mention ninja Nobu — is actually kind of impressive. I imagine that’s fairly small consolation for Leland, though, since Fisk found out about his involvement in Vanessa’s attempted murder and promptly threw his ass down an elevator shaft. Then again, that’s what Leland gets for thinking Fisk would prioritize his money over giving into his violently childish temper tantrums. Jesus, guy. Didn’t you hear about what he did to poor Deucalion Anatoly? Men who decapitate dudes with car doors for making them look shady on first dates aren’t the kind of people you can really depend upon to be logical.
At first, I assumed that Vanessa would eventually be on the receiving end of one of those very violent temper tantrums. Then I figured she’d get shoved in a refrigerator to serve as the motivator for Fisk’s even darker turn to the Dark Side. I wasn’t wild about either option — actually, I wasn’t really wild about anything to do with Vanessa at first. We’re sitting through this supremely awkward date between her and Fisk, and I’m just banging my head into the back of the couch, going, Do I really HAVE to watch this?
Still, Vanessa improves for me in the very next episode when she and Fisk meet again. Why any woman with any kind of sense at all would continue to date Fisk escapes me, but I found myself kinda enjoying the Lady MacBeth vibes I got from her — it instantly made her more interesting. That she survived her poisoning at the hands of Leland and Mrs. Gao surprised me even more. I read an article hoping that Kingpin would come back as the villain for Season Two, but actually I’d love it if they took a year off from him and focused on someone else as the Big Bad. Vanessa taking over Fisk’s empire could actually be somewhat interesting to see.
C. Foggy finds out about Matt’s vigilante activities way before I thought he would.
I definitely considered the possibility that Foggy or Karen would find out in Season One, but I’m not sure I would’ve put money on it, and I certainly didn’t think it would happen before either the penultimate episode or the season finale. But Foggy literally unmasks Daredevil in Episode 9, and the episode that follows — “Nelson vs Murdock” — is probably one of my favorites in the whole series. (My actual favorite probably goes to “Cut Man,” though: it has the best fight scene, the introduction of Claire, and all the man pain. Seriously, that bit where Matt’s lung is collapsing? I think my seasonally asthmatic lungs were just tightening in sympathy.)
Finally, two things that weren’t surprising:
A. Ben’s editor wasn’t a bad guy. HA. Called that shit immediately. I wonder if he’ll come back and have any kind of role to play.
B. Fisk speaks Chinese and Japanese. Because seriously, duh. And then when Fisk says to Mrs. Gao, “You speak English,” and I’m like, Um, yeah. That’s pretty obvious from the fact that Wesley isn’t translating English BACK into Chinese. I mean, I know it can be harder to speak than to comprehend, but come on. OF COURSE she speaks English.
And . . . yeah, I guess that’s about all I have for you today. (I’m sure the second I post this I will think of at least three awesome things that I forgot to mention.) By the end of the finale, Fisk is behind bars — yet again staring at a white wall — Mrs. Gao has retreated to somewhere much farther than China — is she supposed to be an alien? — Foggy and Murdock’s friendship is on the mend, and Karen still hasn’t told anyone that she killed Wesley.
I am so excited to see where Season Two goes. Here’s to more awesome fight scenes, awesome banter, and Catholic brooding in 2016!
QUOTES:
Foggy: “Oh, hey, real estate agent. Not your type. Very homely, might be genetic, don’t need to be charming. And she kind of told me that blind people are God’s mistake.”
Matt: “That’s a horrible thing to say, Foggy.”
Foggy: “I know! In this day and age? All right, shake it. I’ve gotta go bribe a cop.”
Brett: “Officer of the law. Defense attorney. We’re supposed to be enemies.”
Foggy: “First off, we’ve been enemies since we were four, Brett, so let’s not blame it on career choices.”
Foggy: “Okay, I’m going to say this once and then we can move on: you don’t always show the best judgment when beautiful women are involved.”
Matt: “How would I even know if she’s a beautiful woman?”
Foggy: “I don’t know. It’s kind of spooky, actually. But if there’s a stunning woman with questionable character in the room, Matt Murdock’s going to find her, and Foggy Nelson is going to suffer.”
Matt: “I’m supposed to say I don’t miss it. That’s what they tell you in trauma recovery. Value the differences, make no apologies for what you lack. And that’s all true for the most part but . . . doesn’t change the fact that I’d give anything to see the sky one more time.”
Claire: “Your eyes are non-responsive to light, so either you’re blind or in way worse shape than I thought.”
Matt: “Do I have to pick one?”
Claire: “Look, let’s just say for the sake of discussion I buy this whole ‘we can’t go to the hospital because whatever’ story you’ve got going on, but we need to talk about what happens if you give up the ghost here in my living room because I’m listening to myself explain to the police how I let this happen and every version ends with me in handcuffs, so convince me it’s worth it.”
Matt: “There’s someone in the building, a man going door-to-door.”
Claire: “How do you know that?”
Matt: “Shhh. He’s on the third floor already. He smells like Prima cigarettes and discount cologne.”
Claire: “You can smell a man on the third floor?”
Matt: “You’ll smell him soon enough. He really likes that cologne . . . you’re looking at me like I’m crazy, right?”
Claire: “Seems the appropriate response.”
Wesley: “I know your people delight in extolling the amount of pain they can endure, but maybe next time you could try ducking?”
Vladmir: “We have not heard of this.”
Wesley: “That’s because we’ve been talking behind your back.”
Fisk: “The Ranskahovs are no longer a part of this organization.”
Leland: “Since when?”
Fisk: “Since I removed Anatoly’s head with my car door.” (Madame Gao says something angrily in Chinese) Wesley: “She’s upset that they weren’t consulted.”
(Nobu clearly swears something in Japanese)
Wesley: “He isn’t happy either.”
Foggy: “I can’t go to L&Z alone. They’re going to shark attack me, Matt. Look at me. I’m delicious.”
Matt: “I want you to walk me through stabilizing him.”
Claire: “It’s not as easy as it looks in the movies, you know.”
Matt: “I don’t really go to the movies.”
Foggy: “All right, let’s not jump to things people jump to.”
Foggy: “I’m going to go look for him.”
Karen: “Whoa, whoa, no. The hell you are. Lay back.”
Foggy: “I’m the closest he has to family. He’d do the same for me.”
Karen: “I know. And I love that about you guys, but don’t be an idiot.”
Fisk: “Not everyone deserves a happy ending.”
Matt: “It would be his right.”
Foggy: “What about my right to punch him in the melon?”
Matt: “Everyone has secrets, Foggy.”
Foggy: “I don’t. I’d like some.”
Nobu: “There is a point to all your words?”
Matt: “I’ve learned a lot since you’ve been gone.”
Stick: “Like what?”
Matt: “You’re a dick.”
Stick: “That’s true.”
Mrs. Fisk: “Get the saw.”
Daredevil: “Then I’ll have to stop him some other way.”
Ben: “That has a ring of finality to it.”
Daredevil: “I’m not a killer. I keep telling people that.”
Father Lantom: “Seal of confession still applies, even over lattes.”
Matt: “Basic tenet of both law and war: know your enemy.”
Foggy: “Thank you, Sun Tzu. What does that actually mean?”
Vanessa: “You don’t need sight to appreciate art, but you do need honesty.”
Matt: “Sight helps.”
Father Lantom: “There’s a wide gulf between inaction and murder, Matthew. Another man’s evil does not make you good.”
Father Lantom: “Proverbs 25 something, I never can remember.”
Foggy: “See? This is what I’m talking about. Me and you, Maverick and Goose. No secrets.”
Matt: “Goose died. And he was married.”
Foggy: “Details.”
Matt: “What did you expect me to say, Foggy? Hi, I’m Matt, I got some chemicals splashed in my eyes when I was a kid that gave me heightened senses.”
Foggy: “Well, maybe not lead with that!”
Matt: “It was all Fisk.”
Foggy: “He did this to you?”
Matt: “Him and Nobu.”
Foggy: “Nobu?”
Matt: “Yeah, I think he’s some kinda . . . ninja.”
Foggy: “A ninja.”
Matt: “I think.”
Foggy:”A blind old man taught you the ways of martial arts? Isn’t that the plot to Kung Fu?”
Foggy: “You listened to her heartbeat without her permission? We’re lawyers. You can’t do that! There’s a system in place, and it’s weird and invasive!”
Foggy: “Look at me! I’m Blind Matt Murdock!”
Matt: “Most people just say ‘Matt Murdoch’.”
Foggy: “Why do you have that look on your face?”
Matt: “What look?”
Foggy: “You know what look.”
Matt: “I’ve been reading Thurgood Marshall.”
Foggy: “Aw, shit.”
Foggy: “Misspelling Hanukkah is a mistake. Attempted murder is a little something else.”
Matt: “What is it, a napkin?”
Foggy: “No. This, my friend, is our future.”
Matt: “Huh. Feels like a napkin.”
Karen: “Little early for beer, isn’t it?”
Matt: “Depends on the kind of day you’re having.”
Wesley: “Speak with Gao. If she wasn’t involved, we might need her support against further unpleasantries.”
Leland: “And if she was involved?”
Wesley: “Then it’s been an honor doing business with you.”
Matt: “You know what I do? Who I am?”
Father Lantom: “The sacrament of penance, like I told you. You don’t have to worry — ”
Matt: “That’s not what I’m asking.”
Father Lantom: “Yes, Matthew, I’m not an idiot.”
Daredevil: “I want you to keep your head down till this is over.”
Ben: “My head’s fine where it’s at.”
Daredevil: “Yeah? Vladmir’s brother probably thought the same.”
Father Lantom: “How you holding up?”
Matt: “Like a good Catholic boy.”
Father Lantom: “That bad, huh?”
Foggy: “You go after him in the mask again, he might kill you. Or you might kill him, which would probably have the same effect on someone as Catholic as you are.”
Foggy: “There’s nothing I want more than to find a way back to what we were. But I don’t know if we can.”
Matt: “No, we can’t. Maybe we can find a way to move forward, Foggy.”
CONCLUSIONS:
I’m so into this. I think my biggest concerns are about the probable Foggy/Matt/Karen love triangle — it was mostly handled okay in this season (although one of my least favorite moments of the whole show was Karen asking Foggy to feel her face like his blind best friend would, like, oh okay, that’s normal), but I worry about it how it will develop. Still, a huge enjoyable helping of violence, humor, and superhero angst. Why isn’t it 2016 yet?
“She had a good heart, Phil. It was just torn out.”
Agents of SHIELD has done a lot of completely awesome things this year, especially with Fitz, who — like Cisco in The Flash — has somehow made the jump from being my least favorite character to my absolute most favorite character. That being said, I did struggle quite a bit with May in the back half of the season. In theory, I like the idea of May feeling betrayed by Coulson (an obvious reversal from last season), but in actuality, I never really bought her fury with him, nor did I buy her distrust of Skye or the Inhumans in general. Even when they brought in her Bahrain backstory, I didn’t buy it, and I think it’s because I agree with my sister: May’s suspicion of powered people — suspicion bordering heavily on prejudice — doesn’t really feel like something she’s been carrying around since before the show. It feels like something that abruptly appeared in Season Two for maximum drama. So when May (who I usually like) turns into kind of an asshole, it comes across as both annoying and artificial.
That being said, May vs Skye and May vs Coulson? Thankfully not a huge part of this action-packed two hour finale, so I was free to enjoy all the other awesome things that happened. Like Mac cutting off Coulson’s hand, I mean, holy SHIT. That was huge. I really like the turn with Cal; more than that, I’m impressed with it. I didn’t think I’d buy any kind of redemption storyline, and then I did. I also liked the reveal with Jiaying — turning her into a full-fledged villain made her about 18 times more interesting. The fight scene between Ward and Bobbi was great; also, Bobbi getting herself shot to save Hunter, May tricking Ward into killing Agent 33, and the moment with Jemma at the end — yet another holy shit moment. I will confess that I don’t care about Jemma and Fitz going on a date because I don’t ship them even a little, but that ending . . . Marvel, you bastards.
Theories on what’s going to happen to Jemma? I want to hear them.
“We both know it’s just a matter of time. So why not just cut to the chase?”
All this season, Elementary has been building to two likely possibilities: a) Sherlock relapsing, and b) Sherlock’s father coming to town. I wasn’t sure if the relapse was going to happen or not, but I was dead certain Sherlock’s father would appear, either in this episode or teased for the next. What I’m saying here is, ha ha, I’m awesome. Kudos for me. (Also, casting time — who do you want to see as Sherlock’s dad?)
I think I actually like that the relapse happens off screen, and I definitely like that it happens after Alfredo is found safe. It’s more of anti-climax, which works great because Elementary foreshadowed that shit way back in Episode 9. (I guess there is some debate whether it happened at all, but — yeah, I thought it was pretty clear.) I do wish Joan had a little more to do to wrap up her character arc this season, but I know it wouldn’t have fit well in the finale. (The penultimate episode, though, absolutely could have been hers.) The stomping scene, too, is pretty brutal, effectively bursting the quiet tension that had been building the whole episode.
I liked Season 2, but it did end on a down note for me — apparently, it did for a lot of people. Overall, I think I’ve enjoyed this season much more, especially with subplots that I didn’t think I’d get into (Kitty, namely — I was surprised by how much I liked her story and its resolution), and it definitely ended on a high note for me. There’s been a lot of focus on character, which I’ve really enjoyed, and I’m surprisingly excited to see how Season Four goes.
Oh, The Flash. The Flash has done many things right — a fun, joyous tone, an arch-nemesis who’s amazeballs, excellent character relationships (well, for the most part), etc. Hell, I was even okay with the Grodd episode, and I was wildly not excited about bringing in a telepathic gorilla. (In general, I’m not excited about apes as villains. I have a hard time taking it seriously.)
But I’ve struggled a lot with The Flash too, and I feel like my geek squee for the show has suffered considerably as a result. Iris, of course, is the biggest problem. And yes, her story has finally gotten a little bit better — but I can’t help but feel like the writers don’t have any idea why she was so maddening in the first place, and that leads me to worry about where her story will go in the future. (Seriously, no one even came close to a reason to keep her out of the loop. And that line where Joe’s basically like, ‘I’m the boss of Iris, Eddie, until you marry her, and then you can be the boss of her?’ Ugh. The level of disgust some people are having for GoT right now is honestly the level of disgust I had for that line.)
And while it’s to a much lesser extent, I think Caitlin is another problem because a) I don’t entirely buy the actress and b) her storyline, such as it is, is boring as hell. When I mentioned the character relationships/dynamics I liked above . . . well, Joe and Barry are great. Barry and Wells are great. Cisco and Wells are great. To an extent, even Iris and Eddie are decent. . . but Caitlin? She has one scene I really like with Cisco, and beyond that, not much. Caitlin and Barry do little for me. (Especially with that whole ‘you’re a hero so you deserve my body’ line, UGH.) Caitlin and Wells do little for me. Caitlin and Ronnie do NOTHING for me. There are a lot of superhero shows on TV right now, but The Flash and Arrow seem to collectively have the worst female character representation problems. I’m tired of it.
But moving on. The finale itself was pretty enjoyable. I don’t know if I ever thought Barry would actually save his mother, but I’ll admit, I was kind of hoping there would be big timeline changes anyway, like Barry goes back to the future and all kinds of things are different, like the real Harrison Wells is still alive (Tom Cavanagh, I don’t want to lose you!) and Caitlin Snow is now a villain (because maybe then she’d be interesting). I’ll also admit that my brain just doesn’t understand time paradoxes at all, so while I understand that Ancestor Eddie shoots himself to write Reverse Flash out of time, I’m still a little lost on why writing Reverse Flash out of time doesn’t pretty much scrap the whole season too. Also . . . if Reverse Flash is from 120 years in the future and he hates Barry Allen for . . . Reasons . . . does that mean Barry Allen is also alive 120 years from now, or did Reverse Flash go back in time (without losing his speed force) to 2024 and that’s when he started hating Barry Allen for . . . Reasons. (Seriously. I know Reverse Flash is supposedly Super Dead now, but I kind of need these Reasons to eventually be explained, or I will consider it a Problem.)
Also of note:
A) CISCO IS A METAHUMAN. This is the best news ever. (I was seriously getting concerned they weren’t going to address why he remembered things when no one else did.)
B) Aw, poor Eddie. That was sad. I’ll miss your not-American rasp.
C) While I’m glad some people brought up opposition to The Big Plan . . . I wish someone had brought up stronger opposition. Like if I was there, I’d totally be the asshole bringing up the Butterfly Effect. “Yeah, it’s cool you can save your mom, Barry, but what if Nora Allen falls asleep at the wheel two years later, and I’m in the other car, and I DIE. Is it worth it THEN, Barry?” And seriously, when a world-eating black hole is a possible consequence to going back in time to save a woman who’s been dead, like, 15-20 years? Nope. Nope, it’s not worth it. Somebody needed to say that.
D) “Don’t Dream It’s Over” is a terrible wedding song. Didn’t you people watch The Stand? This is the “happy music” they play during the Apocalypse when pretty much everyone is dead. Why would we choose this as background music for Caitlin and Ronnie’s wedding? Was “Rains of Castamere” too optimistic?
“I didn’t know how to win. I had to invent new rules.”
I think “YHWH” might have been one of Person of Interest’s weaker season finales — but that says more about the strength of the finales over the past four years than the weakness of this one particular episode. Actually, “YHWH” is a pretty solid episode that manages to, once again, find a new way to reboot the concept for next season. I will always admire how they do that, and wish more TV shows would do the same. But while the majority of the episode is good, I don’t know if I’d say it’s brilliant — until the last ten minutes or so anyway.
For me, “YHWH” is all about two moments: a) when Dominick and Elias (NOOOO, Elias!!!) are unceremoniously taken out by Samaritan, and b) the Machine finally talks directly to Finch, calling him Father and asking for forgiveness. Oh. Oh, that whole scene just hurt. STOP TRYING TO BREAK MY HEART, PERSON OF INTEREST.
(Also, it’d be great for my soul if someone would rescue Control. She doesn’t exactly deserve it, and I wasn’t at all surprised she completely got outfoxed by Samaritan, but — please, please don’t let that be the last we see of the amazing Camryn Manheim. She is the best. It’s enough that we lost Enrico Colantoni, isn’t it?)
PoI will have a shortened fifth season (thirteen episodes, I think) which almost certainly means there will be no sixth season. Honestly, I’m okay with that — as much as I love this show, I’m not sure it would naturally stretch past five seasons anyway. I don’t know where you go past Samaritan, and really, I’d rather end on a high note. I just hope they can get the balance right for the fifth season. My biggest criticism of Season Four is that things felt rushed at the end, and that Shaw’s sorta-return felt very unbalanced. I almost wish we hadn’t seen her at all after the gloriously heartbreaking “If-Then-Else,” because while the concept of Brainwashed Shaw is interesting, the execution really seemed off.
“I’ll be playing right into their hands.”
“You’re already in their hands. The only thing they haven’t done is close their fists.”
Oh, The Blacklist. At Mekaela’s urging, I started watching this show on Netflix, and it was, for some time, an enjoyable guilty pleasure. Right now, though, everything just seems to be on a downward spiral.
The best thing I can say about the season finale is that it at least sets up an interesting premise for third season: Red and Lizzie on the run, Ressler hunting them down, and Cooper — presumably — out of a job. Unfortunately, I didn’t buy half the stuff it took to get there. I haven’t been very impressed with the last handful of episodes — for starters, can you believe no one’s been in a car accident in months?! Months, I say. But more importantly, the Lizzie/Tom stuff hasn’t been working for me at all since he came back from playing Nazi — he’s suddenly become the most boring version of Fake Tom ever. How? How did this happen? I was promised a damaged, twisted relationship between two complex characters and got . . . this. As such, their maybe-we-should-sail-away-together bullshit obviously did nothing for me, particularly because it took up a 1/3 of the episode and seemed really inconsistent anyway. (We can just go! No, you can’t go! Wait, why are you going?)
Also: Samar and Aram had virtually nothing to do, the extended car commercial chase scene was beyond lame, and Lizzie’s twitchy ‘I Look Like I’m About to Seize Out’ performance before killing Other, Not-Love-Interest Tom seemed like a strange acting choice. (And as much as Lizzie annoys me, I usually like Megan Boone.) The revelation that Lizzie killed her father was interesting — assuming it was even her father, or that he actually died from the gunshot would — but it was also pretty obvious from the second Red dramatically announced himself as a sin eater. I wish it could have been a bit more subtle. Which, admittedly, subtle is not The Blacklist’s bag. Still. I want better.
“That is remarkably ruthless and cold-blooded. I approve.”
And talk about your downward spirals.
Oh, Arrow. There are things about this season that I’ve really enjoyed: Roy’s fake-out death twist. The automatic hilarity of putting Oliver and Ray in the same scene. Thea finally finding out who the Arrow is — and her reaction when she does. Laurel’s response to Thea’s confession. In fact, Laurel was SO MUCH BETTER this season — I’m a long way from calling her my favorite character, but she had some good moments, and I actually enjoyed her relationship with Nyssa. (Why did Nyssa go back home again?) If only she hadn’t kept Sara’s death from her father because yeah. That was awful and took way, way too long to come to fruition.
But Arrow’s third season also had a lot of problems, and most of them have revolved around Felicity. Which sucks because I LOVE Felicity, or used to. Once they officially made her the Primary Love Interest, though, things went to hell, like the Arrow writers couldn’t possibly imagine how to portray a love interest who’s actually a person and has reasonable responses to things all at the same time. I want to be happy that Oliver and Felicity finally got together and drove off into the sunset, but I’ve just been so annoyed with their bullshit that I couldn’t even bring myself to care. Which, again, this sucks. Oliver and Felicity are my OTP. You have ruined my OTP for me, Arrow. I didn’t even know that was possible.
Other problems in the season: Ra’s failed to be an intimidating villain in any way, the flashbacks grew stale because they stretched out way too long, and I wanted to knock Diggle and Felicity’s heads together in the last few episodes. Particularly Diggle, actually, because as stupid as Oliver’s plan was, I didn’t buy Diggle’s betrayal. I think I might have bought it if Diggle hadn’t been immediately pissed when Supposedly Brainwashed Oliver kidnapped Lyla, like he blamed his friend for being brainwashed in the first place. I needed his anger, instead, to come from realizing he’d been manipulated by his best friend — although I also feel the need to point out that Lyla isn’t a civilian, wasn’t hurt, and Diggle and Felicity held important information back from Oliver too, like just a few episodes ago, and they absolutely didn’t need to. (Also, seriously, I don’t understand why everyone in “Al Sah-Him” was all like, “Oliver can’t get brainwashed! Brainwashing doesn’t exist!” when Roy killed a cop last season and Thea KILLED SARA. Seriously, WTF.) I found the tension between the three of them extremely artificial, and I hated it.
Let’s see, what else — I like Thea becoming Speedy, but I wish that whole subplot had actually been given some considerable time on screen. (And we better talk about her whole tainted soul thing next season, or I will call bullshit.) The Big Fight between Ra’s and Oliver was extremely underwhelming. The Flash cameo was funny but felt ridiculously rushed and kind of unnecessary. I guess I did predict Malcolm might become Ra’s, but come on – it’d have been way more awesome if Thea had become Ra’s instead, right? Right.
Basically, I feel like I need to write a whole Season Three fix-it fic, at this point. That makes me sad.
I recently read that Prison Break is the latest TV show to potentially get the ‘Let’s Revisit This With a Possibly Limited Series’ deal. Other shows with this deal: The X-Files, Twin Peaks, Heroes, and — of course — Coach. Because nothing makes more sense than a revisitation of Coach.
So far, I haven’t been wildly excited about any of these show returns, mostly because the majority of them had pretty decent runs, and if you’re going to bring something back from the dead, why not start with an awesome show that was cancelled ahead of its time? (Also, some of these shows deserve to stay dead. Prison Break was a fun guilty pleasure for a while, but went off the rails pretty fast — SO many resurrections — and don’t even get me started on the giant clusterfuck that was Heroes.)
With that in mind, I’ve decided to come up with a new Monday Morning Blasphemous Poll. On Wednesday.
I’m going to provide some trailers and descriptions of seven shows. None of them lasted longer than three seasons, so you may have missed them. Based on your own experiences (if you have them) and these descriptions, which show would you MOST liked to see come back to television?
1. Carnivale
IMDb’s description: During the Great Depression, an Oklahoma farm boy and a charismatic minister learn that they are key players in a proxy war being fought between Heaven and Hell.
No. of Seasons: Two
Starring Clancy Brown, Nick Stahl, Tim DeKay, Michael J. Anderson, Clea DuVall, Amy Madigan, Adrienne Barbeau
This show is a whirlwind of magic, religion, circuses, and weird imagery. I really feel that if it had come out ten years later, it would’ve been much more successful. Every bit of pure WTF kept you needing to watch more, and this is a show that desperately needs actual resolution. Gorgeous, creepy stuff.
2. Pushing Daisies
IMDb Summary: A pie-maker, with the power to bring dead people back to life, solves murder mysteries with his alive-again childhood sweetheart, a cynical private investigator, and a lovesick waitress.
No of Seasons: 2
Cast: Lee Pace, Anna Friel, Chi McBride, Ellen Green, Swoosie Kurtz, Kristin Chenoweth
The Facts Are These:
Cheerful, colorful, charming, and very weird — this was something I’d never seen anything like before, and I loved it. There has never been a better mix of pie, romance, and death.
Also, I apologize for the quality of the trailer. It’s the only one I could find for the first season — youtube is not being very helpful today. And I should confess I never watched the second season, though I’ve been meaning to correct that. By the time I finished first season, the show had been cancelled and I was hugely disappointed and didn’t feel up to it. Still, I’d watch the hell out of it if it came back.
3. Harper’s Island
IMDB Summary: Harper’s Island was once the scene of a gruesome series of murders. Now, seven years later, family and friends gather on the island for a wedding, but one by one they begin to die.
No. of Seasons: One
Cast: Elaine Cassidy, Christopher Gorham, Katie Cassidy, Matt Barr, Jim Beaver, Adam Campbell, Callum Keith Rennie, Harry Hamlin
This, my friends. This is the definition of guilty pleasure TV, and I loved it. Admittedly, it got off to a pretty slow start. I was never a fan of the main protagonist, and the creepy child was just stupid. But once it got going, Harper’s Island was unbelievably fun. Giant murder mystery! Overelaborate booby traps! One person dead per episode! At least! (Plus, by the end, some of the deaths went from ridiculous and funny to surprisingly moving and well-done. Don’t worry, though. Not too many. Harper’s Island knew what kind of show it was.)
Obviously, the majority of the characters were dead by the end of the first season, but had Harper’s Island continued, it would have done so American Horror Story style, with a new setting and a new cast (or at least new characters) every season. And people? I’d be all over that premise.
4. The Unusuals
IMDb summary: Darkly comedic drama focusing on the dysfunctional cops and staff of an infamous NYPD precinct.
No. of Seasons: One
Cast: Jeremy Renner, Amber Tamblyn, Harold Perrineau, Adam Goldberg, Monique Gabriela Curnen, Terry Kinney, Joshua Close
Okay, this trailer kills me a little. Please, you absolutely HAVE to ignore the corny announcer guy trying to make this sound like a Very Dramatic Show and focus on the actual scenes. Sure, serious stuff definitely happens, but let’s be clear about tone: this is quirky/dark/wacky/funny, not Generic Cop Bullshit. When you hear Dispatch say, “Be on the lookout for a ninja, or a ninja-like figure,” that’s more of what to expect from The Unusuals. Awesome show, super funny.
5. The Adventures of Brisco County Jr
IMDb Summary: A bounty hunter rides the Old West, fighting bad guys, many with futuristic-type gadgets.
No. of Seasons: One
Cast: Bruce Campbell Jr., Julius Carry, Christian Clemenson, Comet the Horse
C’mon. You know there aren’t enough campy westerns on TV with bounty hunters, SF gadgets, and mystical orbs. It was steampunk before steampunk got huge, and I bet it could look pretty awesome with more modern effects. (Or anyway, not 90’s effects.) Plus, Bruce Campbell! Who doesn’t want more Bruce Campbell?
Sadly, Julius Carry died in 2008, so we couldn’t have Lord Bowler. (Or we’d have to recast him, but I’d prefer just to create a whole new character.) But I’d absolutely watch this again in the seriously unlikely event it ever came back. Feel the camp. FEEL IT.
6. Dark Angel
IMDb Summary: A group of genetically-enhanced children escape from a lab project. Years later we meet Max, one of the escapees who now works for a messenger service in the post-apocalyptic Pacific Northwest.
No. of Seasons: Two
Cast: Jessica Alba, Michael Weatherly, Jensen Ackles, Valarie Rae Miller, Kevin Durand, J.C. MacKenzie
Oh, that trailer. Oh, I’m dying. They actually used Meredith Brook’s song, “Bitch.” DYING.
Okay, so this is one of those shows that I still get bummed out about when I think about its early cancellation. Yeah, second season was a little rough, even if it did give us Jensen Ackles. But this future SF show about kick-ass transgenics sure knew how to change the game when season finales came around, and we left off with a pretty exciting setup for Season Three — transgenics exposed to the world, a huge standoff between our good guys and the cops, Freak Nation built — a season we never got the chance to see. Damn it.
Point of interest, this is probably the last thing I really enjoyed Jessica Alba in.
7. Veronica Mars
IMDb Summary: After her best friend is murdered and her father is removed as county sheriff, Veronica Mars dedicates her life to cracking the toughest mysteries in the affluent town of Neptune.
No. of Seasons: Three (and a movie — it’s NOT CHEATING, Mekaela!)
Cast: Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Jason Dohring, Francis Capra, Ryan Hansen, Tina Majorino, Percy Daggs III
Yes, this show did get an enjoyable (if mildly disappointing) movie followup. But said movie followup left us with a perfect setup for the show to come back — Veronica Mars, back to what she does best: being spunky and snooping into other people’s business. The dialogue is witty, the mysteries are fun, and the actors all have such wonderful chemistry with one another. I still could watch Kristen Bell and Enrico Colantoni spar back and forth all day.
All right, everyone that’s it. Leave your votes in the Comments section. And yes, I left Firefly out deliberately. You cannot pick Firefly for the purposes of this poll, or any other write-in (though I’d love to hear other shows you’d like to see revisited – they just won’t be valid nominees).
Poll is open until Monday night. Results should be up next Tuesday.
So, fifth season . . . not my favorite. I’ve liked plenty of scenes here and there, and in some ways, I actually think it’s improved on the books — Daenerys’s storyline, for instance, may be a bit dull right now, but it’s still so much more interesting than “Annoying Dany and Her Endless Parade of Potential Lovers” from A Dance With Dragons. Still, as a whole, I’ve been disappointed this year, and overall the season finale only made things worse.
Taking each storyline one by one:
1. Because I’ve read A Dance With Dragons, I knew — among other things — that Jon was going to get stabbed to shit, and it’s a great way to end the season. Adding Benjen Stark to the Previously On Survivor Section was a really clever misdirect. I was like, “Holy shit, is the show actually going to do something with Benjen? That’s amazing. We’re finally going to prove or disprove so many fan theories!” And then that Little Shit Ollie is like, “Hey, we have news about your uncle!” and I’m like, “You total bastards. That’s brilliant.”
Now, I’ve never thought Jon was permanently dead, not once. This is partially because we still haven’t revealed Jon’s true parentage in the books or TV show, and partially because everybody who doesn’t get decapitated in the books comes back to life. Of course, Game of Thrones has famously (and frustratingly) not resurrected characters that came back to life in the books, but it’s an awfully big coincidence that a priestess who can bring people back from the dead and is almost certainly suffering a religious crisis now that her messiah is (maybe) dead has arrived at the Wall just in time for a major player to get murdered. I would honestly be surprised if Melisandre doesn’t bring Jon Snow back. (Also, when exactly did she leave?)
2. Davos, though. His face when he hears about Shireen: SO SAD. (Although I’d like him to enact bloody revenge when he finds out how Shireen died, preferably after Melisandre raises Jon from the dead.)
3. So, this is what I’ve learned: whether in the books or movies, the Battle of Winterfell is disappointing as shit. In the books, it’s disappointing because you’re waiting a thousand pages for that fucker, only for it to never happen. In the show, it’s disappointing because Game of Thrones clearly blew their battle budget back in Episode 8 and couldn’t show the total annihilation of Stannis’s forces.
On one hand, I actually love that a bunch of mercenaries were like, “Uh, how about we not fight for a dude who’s so fucking crazy he burns his own daughter alive.” I mean, that’s just common sense right there. Plus, it’s great that Stannis’s big sacrifice to win the battle is actually what lost him the battle. That’s excellent and no more than he deserves, that unbelievable dick.
On the other hand . . . seriously, ALL SEASON you’re waiting for something you don’t even get to see. Maybe if we at least got a long, bloody montage of Stannis’s men being butchered to, like, sweeping Lord of the Rings music or something, but as is, I was really underwhelmed.
4. If anyone deserves a gratuitously violent on-screen death, it’s Stannis . . . which makes the cut-away that much more annoying. I’m rarely a big fan of the dramatic “did-you-kill-him” cut-away, as 99.8% of the time it means “no, no, you didn’t.” I suspect that Brienne didn’t kill Stannis, that either someone comes up from behind to stop her, or that she decides not to kill him so he can help rescue Sansa or something. (No, I have no idea how that would even make sense.) But if that’s not the case, then screw you, show. I will not apologize for my bloodlust. I want to see Stannis die HARD. I’d be fine if it happened by either Davos’s or Brienne’s hand — although, really, the latter’s basically been staring at a tower for an entire season, so maybe she deserves it more, just so she has something to DO.
5. But speaking of characters who did nothing . . .
Jesus fucking wept, really? I was annoyed by the controversial rape scene that happened earlier in the year (though not quite as much as some people, certainly not as much as I was by last year’s controversial rape scene), but I was hoping that at least Sansa would get to do something useful at the end of this season, something to take her power back. And look, I’m glad she escaped — presumably, not that I think anyone could legitimately survive that jump — and I know Theon needed his own Moment to reclaim his identity, to gain redemption, but man, this kind of sucked. She couldn’t have even taken out a guard or something? She couldn’t have stabbed Ramsay even a little?
At the end of last season, I really thought Game of Thrones was setting up for Sansa to take command of her own story — but with the brutal, unnecessary rape scene, we made her a helpless victim again, and by the end of the season, that’s still all she is: a powerless princess getting rescued by someone else.
6. Arya got to kill someone, at least. Arya got to kill the hell out of someone.
But while I knew going in how her story would resolve, I did feel like that resolution was pretty rushed. And the actual ‘going blind’ scene itself was kind of confusing. It’s not a huge problem, but I still feel like it could have been done better.
7. Speaking of lamesauce executions: Dorne in its entirety was utterly disappointing this season.
We spent so little time there that it felt like a completely extraneous subplot, solely designed to get Jaime away from King’s Landing. And it probably isn’t totally extraneous because I’m assuming that war Prince Doran was trying to avoid is going to ignite next season — because there’s no way Jaime and Cersei are going to react well to the princess’s death. Still, Dorne felt utterly unnecessary all season. We’re introduced to a bunch of new characters (all the Sand Snakes, plus Prince Martell), only to spend most of that time on one girl’s boobs. Not to mention, Jamie’s whole plot can be reduced to a single sentence: Jaime travels to rescue his secret-daughter, gets arrested, and has a single moment of parental happiness before she’s poisoned, presumably to death.
Here’s a tip, Myrcella: don’t be kissing people who tried to assassinate you. Honestly. The Kiss of Death was so obvious, too. I liked the scene between her and Jaime, but I was still practically snapping my fingers, waiting for her to bite it.
8. About Cersei’s Walk of Shame — I have mixed feelings.
Like, it’s a horrific scene, hugely icky, but also very effective, primarily because Lena Headey acted the hell out of it. I was disturbed, but the scene didn’t piss me off the way Sansa’s rape did, or Cersei’s own rape, last year. (Although I’m not sure we got enough loving pans to her lady parts. I feel like we could have lingered a little more there.)
But it’s interesting — I was talking to another co-worker, and she told me that she hoped Cersei got bloody revenge on all of them next year. And really, I didn’t have that reaction at all. Despite it being an atrocious humiliation, my sympathy for Cersei remains limited — not because of all her murderous, incestuous, and generally awful ways, but because she’s the one who brings the religious order to power in the first place, entirely to get rid of Margaery. I have no doubt that, had Cersei stayed in power, she would’ve been fine, possibly even amused, watching Margaery suffer this same humiliation. So, no, I’m not particularly on her side here.
And what the hell happened to Margaery anyway? She and Loras were entirely dropped from the story, which really annoyed me. Are they still imprisoned? Dead? Did Olenna just go home? It’s pretty sloppy writing.
You know what would have worked for me? If at the end of her walk, Cersei had seen Margaery there, also shorn, and the two had shared like a nod of, “Let’s work together to kill these fuckers.” Then, I think, I could’ve gotten in on the vengeance spirit.
9. Finally, to the East . . . *shrug*
I don’t at all care about Dany being surrounded by a bazillion Dothraki. Absolutely no interest in that storyline at the moment. I do, however, have interest in Tyrion ruling Mereen. I bet he could make those politics interesting, in the exact way that Dany couldn’t. Also, Varys is back! YES!
Next season needs at least 70% more Tyrion and Varys.
FINALE GRADE: C+ SEASON GRADE: B
MORALS:
If anyone who has previously tried to kill you later attempts to kiss you, push them away. Seriously. No kissing people who want you dead. I don’t care if it seems rude. This is common sense.
Never lead the Night’s Watch. They mutiny more than fucking pirates, and you will end up deader than shit.
I first heard about Sense8 a couple of weeks before it aired on Netflix. Instantly, I was intrigued: a story about eight different people, all over the world, who become psychically linked in some way, who can share thoughts and abilities and even their own bodies with one another, eight people who are also somehow one. I thought it sounded fascinating.
Then reviews started to trickle in and they were . . . mixed, at best. Critics didn’t seem to like it at all, complaining that the show was slow, muddled, and confusing. At the same time, my Twitter feed was blowing up with mad love for Sense8, praising their in-depth, complex characters, particularly their multiple queer characters.
I figured, Well, there’s only one way to find out for yourself.
Overall, I agree more with the Twitter folks than the critics.
SUMMARY:
Eight strangers around the world are suddenly telepathically linked to one another, sharing thoughts and experiences and often even jumping into each other’s bodies. At the same time, there are shadowy, government-like people led by an evil Sensate named Whispers (Terrence Mann) who’s busy hunting down and eliminating their kind.
NOTES:
1. I’ll be honest — I was a little worried that I actually wasn’t going to agree with the Twitter folk on this one. As awesome as the show sounded, I found myself a bit uneasy when I kept read this same sentiment over and over: “This is a character-based show, not a plot-driven one.”
Now, I’m a character-based kind of girl in a lot of ways. If I don’t give a shit about any of the characters, I’m probably not going to care about your story, no matter how great the language or cinematography is. And as a serial medium, I think TV has probably the biggest advantage towards telling character-based stories, which might explain why I’m often so obsessed with it.
However, sometimes when people describe a book, film, or television show as specifically “not plot-driven,” I find that the story is detrimentally aimless, that there is no forward movement, no interesting choices, and often not so much of a story but a music video or beautiful word salad. Character-based I tend to like. Avant-garde, not so much, and I knew that if Sense8 was going to be twelve hours of beautiful shots and thematic significance without actual events, it wasn’t going to be my kind of thing.
2. Not to mention that Sense8 was created by the Wachowskis, who I’ve had something of a mixed track record with thus far. (It was also helmed by J. Michael Straczynski, but I’ve never seen so much as a scene of Babylon 5, so I’ve got no opinion on him one way or the other.) Which is to say that I loved the first Matrix, didn’t like the second, never saw the third (though was unimpressed when I heard what happened), and had some pretty serious problems with Cloud Atlas. And, honestly, it was my dislike for Cloud Atlas that I found most concerning because it seemed like this show wanted to play with some similar issues and themes: gender identity, racial identity, love, more love, and the human connection.
But it seemed to me that Sense8 was everything that Cloud Atlas wanted but ultimately failed to be. Sense8 told interesting stories about diverse and complex people, tying them all together so that no one person shaped the narrative, so that this wasn’t a story about one straight white cop or one gay Mexican actor, but a story about interconnectivity, about humanity, about how — despite our different ethnicities, classes, sexualities, genders — the commonalities in our experiences, the love and loss and joy and sacrifice, bring us all together as a species. (Which sounds corny as hell, as I type that out. But Sense8 didn’t drive me nuts the way Cloud Atlas did.)
3. There are approximately a dozen important characters to discuss. We’re going to stick to our eight Sensates (plus one slightly dubious mentor figure) for now.
Of the many, many characters I love on this show, Capheus might actually be my favorite. He is utterly endearing. He is easily the most optimistic of the Sensates, full of wonder and joy despite how dangerous and awful a lot of his life is — and really, that’s a pretty hard character to rock because let’s be honest: nobody actually likes incessantly cheerful people, do they? Incessantly cheerful people just make you feel bad about your own cynicism. But Capheus is so damn charming that you like him despite yourself.
I feel like I owe it to Capheus to watch more Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. I’ve still only seen Street Fighter, and now that just feels wrong.
Sun’s storyline takes a while to get going and, taken individually, is not one of my favorites. (Though I wouldn’t characterize it as problematic, not the way that I find some of the others.) Still, I like Sun herself. She has a couple of really nice moments that I unfortunately can’t discuss here, and she’s usually instrumental in all the best fight scenes. I’m curious to see where her story will go in Season Two. (I’m just assuming there will be a Season Two, although that hasn’t been announced yet and reviews were definitely mixed, so who knows.)
Nomi is a transgender blogger/hacker living in SF with her completely awesome girlfriend, Amanita (Freema Agyeman, of Doctor Who fame), and she’s pretty great. Her gender identity is a very important part of her character and her story, but it’s not the only important part, and she’s one of the few Sensates that’s really instrumental in moving the Being Hunted plot forward. She’s funny and resourceful and, seriously, her love story with Amanita is easily the best romance in the whole show. Not that I want a spinoff of Sense8 — cause, why — but if there was going to be one, I’d want it to be about these two playing detective. The Nancy Drew shit is just the best.
Kala, like Capheus, is quite endearing and I like her a great deal — but her story is definitely one of my least favorites, mostly because there just isn’t a lot to it. One review I read argued that her story seemed like it belonged to the wrong genre (Bollywood romantic drama, instead of SF action), and I don’t actually agree — one of the neat things about the whole concept of this show is how many different genres it can naturally tie together — but Kala begins the season with a dilemma on her hands and by the end of the season, not very much has changed. That annoys me, especially because the dilemma she’s facing already seemed pretty stretched. I don’t need Kala’s personal storyline to be as action-heavy as, say, Wolfgang or Will’s, but there were opportunities for much more interesting discussions about class and religion, opportunities that I think were missed.
Unfortunately, Riley is easily my least favorite character, the one that I’d care the least about if she was unceremoniously killed off for some reason. And it’s not that I dislike her, exactly, or that I don’t sympathize with her at times — because she’s gone through some pretty tragic shit — but she’s definitely the one I get the least sense of personality from. I don’t care much about the first half of her story, which kind of meanders, and the second half actually ends up getting a bit repetitive, particularly in the season finale when we keep getting flashbacks of stuff we’ve already figured out. (There’s a reason for it, I know, but there’s still something about it that doesn’t quite work for me.)
This isn’t to say that I couldn’t like Riley in future seasons, but right now she’s the only main character I haven’t really connected with in any particular way.
Wolfgang turns out to be a lot violent fun, so yeah, I enjoy this guy. Like Sun, he’s also involved in some of the best action scenes — I particularly like the one where he needs Lito’s help because Wolfgang can shoot people and blow shit up but doesn’t know how to bullshit, particularly when his pride’s on the line. He’s also one of the only characters who has an important, non-romantic relationship outside of the cluster, a brother “by choice,” which I quite like (even if I like Flashback Felix a lot more than Current Felix).
Lito’s quite funny at times, and I like him, even if there’s one scene where I want to slap the shit out of him. (I get why he does what he does and I even feel sorry for him, a bit, but seriously. Screw you, guy.) His boyfriend, Hernando (Alfonso Herrera), is also just spectacular — seriously, Amanita and Hernando are way high up on my favorites list, particularly for people who aren’t even technically main characters.
But Lito does feel the least connected to the others for a very long time, so much so that when he finally starts directly talking to Nomi, it feels super jarring — like, wait, you know who Nomi is? You actually have some idea of what’s happening to you? I’m hopeful that second season will be able to figure out some of these occasional balance problems.
Will’s the guy you’d expect to be the protagonist of this piece — heterosexual white male American cop — and he, like Nomi, is instrumental in moving things along. But the story never feels solely about him, which I really like. Also, there’s something about Will that’s enjoyable. I’m not sure what it is, exactly, but there’s something about his performance or maybe his reactions that keeps him from being a generic action hero dude. Will’s actually one of my favorite characters, though I’d be hard-pressed to say why, especially since he’s the one constantly being caught talking to himself when he’s actually talking to someone halfway across the world. Due to my ongoing sympathetic embarrassment syndrome, this meant I had to watch at least half of Will’s scenes through my hands.
Dear God, people. Stop doing shit like this in public. You’re hurting me.
Finally, we have Jonas, who’s a Sensate like everyone above but doesn’t belong to their main cluster. He’s more like a mentor figure, I guess, except even now I’m not sure I fully trust this guy. Still, he’s interesting. Naveen Andrews sort of just oozes intrigue. Which is great because he’s the show’s main Exposition Fairy, and you’ve got to find something to keep that shit interesting.
4. As far as exposition goes — this show might actually benefit from a little bit more of it here and there. Not too much: I generally like that Sense8 forces you to work things out for yourself, and I never find the main story particularly confusing. (More on that in a sec.) But it wouldn’t hurt in Season 2 to remind the audience of some of the Rules: just who can talk to who, why this person can’t see that person, etc.
5. One of the main criticisms I’ve seen of Sense8 is that it’s either too slow or too confusing. (Or possibly both.) Personally, I don’t think it was either. The very first episode did drag a little for me, which is perhaps not surprising, considering it’s over an hour long. But while it does move at a slower pace than some shows, it really didn’t take very long to pick up, especially once the Sensates really starting interacting with one another, having actual drawn-out conversations instead of just feeling their emotions and shit. (Sense8 is probably not helped by the fact that, right now, fast-paced holy shit WTF TV is in high demand. That’s not a criticism, by the way; I like plenty of fast-paced WTF holy shit TV shows too; in fact, I find value in all kinds of pacing. But Sense8 isn’t quite on trend right now, which is probably hurting it in reviews.)
And yeah, I don’t find Sense8 hugely confusing, either. Which isn’t to say that I don’t have moments where I’m trying to figure out exactly how something is happening — for instance, in the very first scene, when a woman is talking in her head to two different men who can’t hear each other — but I understand the overall story just fine.
Which reminds me — if you’ll permit the brief digression — of Inception, actually. I recently watched this movie again (because Arthur/Eames 4EVER!) and while I still have moments where I have to remind myself who’s the current dreamer or who’s filling the dream with projections, the actual story itself seems pretty straightforward to me, to the point where I’m a little nonplussed when people tell me that they didn’t get it at all. (Though Troy’s breakdown about it will never not be funny, as all of Troy’s many breakdowns are.)
And it’s not like I’m some Story Genius who always understands everything — cause, HA — so I wonder if those technicalities are the hangup, if for some people they’re pivotal to understanding and appreciating the story, whereas for me they’re more like background noise, like — I don’t know — the science of FTL travel in science fiction. For some people, improbably handled FTL just kills the story. For me, what the fuck do I care, I barely understand how my television works, can we get back to the alien language that’s entirely centered around myth and metaphor, or at least give me some ships going pew pew pew and BOOM, please?
6. Finally, the car chases and fight scenes and all the big action stuff? They’re pretty awesome.
What’s really great about this show is that everyone has a different talent or ability to help out the others. Some are more action-based than others (Wolfgang and Sun beat the crap out of people, while Kala primarily has science on her side and Lito’s best weapons are deception and flirting) but they’re all pretty useful, and it’s exciting to see all of the characters come together to help each other towards the end of the season.
It also, unfortunately, led Mekaela and I to the disheartening realization that if either of us were to become Sensates tomorrow, we wouldn’t have a lot of practical things to offer the team. I’m not bad at snarky one-liners, provided I don’t get flustered, and I could probably write the hell out of your English assignment, but yeah. That’s about what I’ve got.
I think I need to work harder on my kickboxing videos. Someday, somebody might be relying on my ability to throw a cross that’s actually worth a damn.
SPOILERS
SPOILERS
SPOILERS
SPOILERS
SPOILERS
I will now switch to the ABC system to discuss a handful of random things I couldn’t mention above.
A. I was well-prepared for the orgy scene; in fact, in true Carlie fashion, I found myself asking, “Hey, I wonder when that psychic orgy I keep hearing about will happen,” right before we watched the episode where it did.
I was not, however, prepared for the multiple delivery scenes.
This is the PG version, not the version you get in Sense8, or your Health Education class
Honestly, I wasn’t actually a big fan of this scene, and not just because I was startled by actually witnessing a baby crowning. (I may work in Labor & Delivery, but dudes, I’m generally at the desk, not the delivery room. I didn’t even actually watch that Health Education video.) I’ve seen plenty of things on my television that I didn’t feel a deep, abiding need to see in HD, though (read: penises), and survived. I just figured this was more of that.
No, the real reason I didn’t care for this scene was that the logic of it tripped me. So far (and since) the Sensates haven’t remembered anything beyond their own natural ability to recollect; that is to say, they can experience each other’s nonsense, sure, but there’s nothing about their telepathic, body-swapping powers that indicates that any of them would have the capability to remember their own births. Remembering Riley giving birth, sure. Remembering Riley being born, what?
Maybe this is something they’ll go into further in second season, but right now it feels like a mistake to me. Also, I’ll be honest: there’s one other thing about this scene that bugged me, too, and it’s one of those times when I know I’m probably reading too much into it . . . but it just needles me anyway.
So, we see all of our eight main characters get born, some of them home births or water births or accidental cemetery births. (Seriously, Sun’s Mom. Did you have one contraction and your kid fell out? I’m seriously raising my eyebrow at this.) And they’re all painted as pretty miraculous . . . except the one hospital birth, the C-section that Nomi’s Awful Mom gets. It’s not terrible, I guess, but it’s clearly the most traumatic of all the births (saving Riley giving birth to her daughter, for obvious reasons), and . . . look, this is just one of those things I get tetchy about. There’s a lot of bullshit with our healthcare system in America — one of my friends is constantly dealing with it right now, and it’s infuriating and awful to see her suffer because of it — and I do my best to never deny anyone else’s experience in the hospital because, hey, I wasn’t there and I didn’t see their treatment.
But it grates me a little when my experiences don’t count, when I see a lot of hardworking healthcare employees get summarily dismissed as invasive or even threatening — and I feel like this happens especially with Labor & Delivery. The narrative that nurses will try to force you to get an epidural or that doctors will just rush you into C-section for no reason at all or that midwives won’t try other delivery positions with you — that might resonate with your experience, but it sure as hell doesn’t resonate with mine. Not to mention, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting either a home birth or a hospital birth. I don’t think that either has to be less miraculous. So, yeah. Like I said, tetchy.
B. Related (though less of a rant, hopefully): Nomi is briefly kept prisoner at what I’m assuming is some kind of private hospital, and Evil Doctor Dude is going to lobotomize her for Whisper’s people. This obviously isn’t a normal situation, so I’m trying not to call bullshit on too much — especially since I’ve only worked in one hospital, so maybe certain details about her treatment aren’t as ludicrous as they seem to me. But between the hard core old school leather restraints, the locked door which is clearly a fire hazard, and the ridiculously fast power of attorney/patient declared incompetent shit that apparently all happens while Nomi’s unconscious . . . yeah. I was definitely making my WTF face.
C. I generally like how most of the stories resolve — Wolfgang gets bloody vengeance, Lito makes up with Hernando (and stops prioritizing his career over an abused woman and friend) — but the fact that Kala doesn’t definitively decide to marry her dude or break off the engagement drives me nuts.
I obviously didn’t want to marry you in the very first episode, but . . . STILL SO CONFLICTED.
This isn’t okay. This is, at best, a season-length arc — and honestly, it probably could have resolved even earlier than that. I thought they might go more interesting places with Rajan’s family’s possibly shady connections, not to mention the brewing conflict between Rajan’s Daddy and the devout Hindus — but Daddy’s stabbing feels a little abrupt and almost like an aside, like the showrunners realized that Kala just didn’t have enough to do to fill a whole season. Seriously, you can only hem and haw about if you want to marry a guy for so long, especially when you clearly don’t.
And can we be clear about something? When Wolfgang’s all, “You have to marry this dude that I’ve telling you not to marry ALL season because I’m a monster?”
Seriously. I can totally see Kala having second thoughts about dating a dude she just watched brutally execute his own uncle; that seems perfectly legitimate to me. But it’s not like she only has two choices in the world, you know? Wolfgang and Rajan are not the only XY fish in the sea, and Kala was clearly having second thoughts long before Wolfgang and his giant German penis popped up to interrupt her wedding. This whole one-or-the-other horseshit? Unacceptable. Kala, I need you to climb up on that cross Wolfgang’s busy hanging himself on and knock some damn sense into him. Please, cause I just find that shit infuriating.
D. So far, the cluster has two romantic pairings: Wolfgang & Kala, and Will & Riley. I think Wolfgang & Kala have better chemistry, but Will & Riley are okay — I’m just not particularly invested in them as a couple. (I think they actually meet each other before Wolfgang & Kala do, but somehow their love connection feels even more sudden. To be fair, though, the very nature of Sensates makes me buy into Instant Love more than I normally do.)
Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, Riley is really the only character who hasn’t been able to contribute much to the other Sensates. That’s okay for now, but I hope in Season 2 that changes — and maybe that means I’ll like her more?
E. Though I’m still bothered by one thing: what the hell even happened to Riley, anyway?
Okay, Riley’s at her father’s concert when everyone starts reliving their own births for whatever reason. And Riley relives not only her own birth but the holy shit traumatic delivery of her own child, which happens like so: her husband, trying to get her to the midwife, crashes the car in the middle of snowy nowhere and dies, leaving her alone to give birth. Unfortunately, she’s still in the middle of the aforementioned snowy nowhere, and the baby dies of exposure.
So, Riley’s rocking an impressive case of depression and PTSD, which I’m fine with. How these things lead her to have the most epic nosebleed ever, though, I have no idea. Seriously, did I miss something? It’s okay if I missed something — I just don’t understand how a PTSD flashback apparently caused a stay in ICU, and it’s kind of a Thing, considering this leads to Whispers coming for her and the big rescue mission of the finale.
F. Going into the finale, I was pretty worried about Will — specifically, that he would finally look at Whispers and have to kill himself to save the rest of the cluster. So when Will does, indeed, accidentally see Whispers, I was like, well, fuck.
But when Jonas tells him he has to kill himself to save the cluster, Will’s like, “Yeah, no.” Admittedly, Jonas is telling him to kill Riley too, and we all knew that wouldn’t happen — I figured her rescue was pretty much guaranteed — but I really did think Will was going to bite it, so I was very happy when he found another way out. Admittedly, drugging yourself into unconsciousness for an indefinite amount of time isn’t, like, an awesome solution, but it beats eating a bullet. Anyway, I was very happy the story didn’t go to the predictable place.
What will happen in Season 2? Will Will — heh — be asleep until the others can pull off some daring mission to kill Whispers? Or will he be able to wake up, so long as he’s kept in a room he doesn’t recognize without windows? And how about everyone else — will anyone rescue Jonas? Will Sun bust out of jail? Will those papers she signed come into play? Will Kala finally call off her engagement?
Renew this series, Netflix. It’s not flawless but it’s definitely engaging, and I want to know what happens to these people next.
QUOTES:
Capheus: “Spirit of Jean-Claude Korean Lady, I know you have more important things to do, but for me nothing is more important.”
Will: “Do I know you?”
Lito: “We had sex.”
Jela: “How can I tell them apart if you keep calling all my friends ‘motherfucker’ . . . oh, it’s this motherfucker.”
Hernando: “In the end, we will all be judged by the courage of our hearts.”
Prisoner: “Do you miss your family?”
Sun: “No. I miss my dog.”
Wolfgang: “He’s my brother. Not by something as accidental as blood. By something much stronger.”
Kala “What?”
Wolfgang: “By blood.”
Capheus: “It worked better in the movie.”
Sun: “I take everything I’m feeling, everything that matters to me. I push all of it into my fist, and I fight for it.”
Will: “My dad was shot.”
DeShawn: “Dead?”
Will: “Some parts of him.”
Nomi: “The real violence, the violence I realized was unforgivable, is the violence we do to ourselves when we’re too afraid to be who we really are.”
Lito: “I see you with your fucking villain mustache!”
Capheus: “Maybe he’s right.”
Jela: “No.”
Capheus: “Maybe Jean-Claude’s time is over.”
Jela: “No, never, come on, Capheus! Van Damme is a man. He doesn’t need costumes and gadgets to fight. He fights with his fist and with his heart.”
Jela: “Everyone must pay.”
Customer: “Here.”
Jela: “What am I supposed to do with this?”
Customer: “This is worth more than the fare.”
Jela: “Look, I believe you, but how am I to make change out of a chicken?”
Customer: “Send me an egg.”
Sun: “I do not understand this. So, if you do not mind, I prefer to assume you’re a hallucination.”
Sam: “You’re just another colonizing male trying to take up any space left to women.”
Amanita: “Sam, say one more thing about my girlfriend, and I’m going to colonize your face with my fist.”
Kala: “I mean Rajan is, according to everyone — including my mom’s astrologer — the perfect husband for me.”
Hernando: “I’m sorry. You know I’m just jealous. I want to be your arm piece.”
Lito: “Why to be jealous of the arm when you already have my heart?”
Hernando: “. . . what movie’s that from?”
Hernando: “I think perhaps I misjudged Ms. Valesquez.”
Amanita: “Something is going on. I don’t know what it is, but until we do, I will burn this building down before I let anyone touch that beautiful brain.”
Daniela: “Oh, I see. So as long as I didn’t know the truth, you were fine with using me, making me feel like you cared about me, but now that I know the truth, you prefer to dump me, move on, and use someone else?”
Lito: “No, no, no, no.”
Hernando: “Interesting. I’ve said the exact same thing to him. Lito, I like this girl.”
Bad Dude: “Shut the fuck up!”
Jela: “Love to! Happy to! Shutting the fuck up is a specialty of mine!”
Uncle: “It would be an irony of Shakespearian proportions if a son fucked his own life cracking the safe his father failed to crack.”
Female Prisoner 1: “You stole all of those investors’ money.”
Female Prisoner 2: “Shamed her father and brother.”
Female Prisoner 3: “And almost destroyed their company.”
Female Prisoner 2: “Well done.”
Capheus: “How amazing is this, huh? I’ve never been on a plane. You are so lucky.”
Riley: “No, I’m not lucky.”
Capheus: “Of course you are! You are flying above clouds.”
Riley: “Privileged, not lucky.”
Amanita: “Oh wow, it worked!”
Nomi: “You read that in a book?”
Amanita: “The power of literature.”
Nomi: “We make such a good team.”
Amanita: “Maybe Bug’s right and we should become a crime-fighting dynamic duo.”
Nomi: “I think we already are.”
Nomi: “This guy is as interesting as a mouthful of sawdust. He doesn’t even have any porn stashed away.”
Amanita: “No porn? He is weird.” (gasps as she picks up a picture) “Oh, my God, Nomi. BFFs with Cheney. He’s gotta be evil.”
(Amanita finds Nancy Drew book.)
Amanita: “Uh-oh. He can’t be all bad!”
Kala: “My love for science doesn’t preclude my faith.”
Will: “Shit, there’s four guards.”
Sun: “Is that all?”
Riley: “Death doesn’t let you say goodbye. It just carves holes in your life, in your future, in your heart.”
CONCLUSIONS:
Fun. Interesting. Some balance problems, one or two convenience issues, and I am seriously unhappy with Kala’s lack of resolution. Still, the concept is fascinating and the characters, for the most part, are really well drawn. Excited to see where this one goes.
MVP:
Jamie Clayton, I think. Other contenders: Aml Ameen, Brian J. White
So, at the end of every calendar year, I make my annual list of Book Superlatives and Movie Superlatives. But the thing is, I watch TV too, like, a lot of TV. So, I decided to try something new this summer: My Geek Blasphemy’s first TV Superlatives.
Unfortunately, I only came to this decision a few months ago, so I’ve been wracking my brain trying to remember shit that happened on shows I watched, like, eight months ago. Because the TV Superlatives are going to work a little differently than the my other lists, as TV is a total pain in the ass medium that you judge season by season — and those seasons might begin in fall, winter, spring, or summer, and may or may not be contained in one calendar year.
So. Shows qualifying for the 2014-2015 TV Superlatives will have to have premiered somewhere between June 2014 and June 2015. This will cover all normal fall and winter TV shows. As far as tricky spring/summer shows go, well, Game of Thrones Season 4 will not qualify because it premiered in April of 2014, but Season 5 will, because it aired in April of 2015, even though it didn’t end until after June. Meanwhile Season 4 of Teen Wolf will qualify, but not the currently airing Season 5 or the previous Season 3B.
Everybody got it? Excellent. Let’s begin.
DISCLAIMER: Some awards are going to spoil you for minor shit if you haven’t watched the qualifying season yet. I will have a generic SPOILER SECTION for big time plot developments or twists, but smaller moments may be revealed earlier than that. You have officially been warned.
“No Sanctuary” – The Walking Dead & “Last F**kable Day” – Inside Amy Schumer
It seems like such a long time ago now that “No Sanctuary” aired, but it was a hell of a way to open up the season, violent and tense with some long-awaited reunions and a few fine young cannibals added to the mix. Mostly, though, it was a showcase for just how unbelievably badass Carol had become. My god, you guys. Carol is a-maz-ing.
But I couldn’t ignore “Last F**kable Day,” either, even though I never expected to award this particular superlative to a sketch show. After all, sketch shows are, by nature, not really interested in setting up any kind of season arc — and yet this episode was so fantastically perfect. I loved every sketch in it, and I’d be particularly hard-pressed to pick between the titular Last Fuckable Day skit and the Football Town Nights “no raping” skit. I’ve enjoyed Inside Amy Schumer before, but this season has been streets ahead.
Runner Up: “Pilot” (iZombie); “City of Heroes (The Flash); “Shadows” (Agents of SHIELD); “Into the Ring,” (Daredevil)
Here’s the thing: I’ve only recently begun to appreciate how much better TV is (than, say, movies) when it comes to awesome female characters. Don’t get me wrong, there are some horrendous ones on television too — and boy, will we be discussing those — but I came up with a lot, a lot, of nominees for this award. In fact, there are so many fantastic women on TV right now that I actually have more than ten runner-ups, and even more characters could have been added.
But Peggy Carter was something pretty special this year. She’s smart, ultra-competent, entirely badass — but she also has, like, emotions? She’s allowed to cry and make reasonable decisions, all in the same episode, which really shouldn’t be that much of a high bar, but often is in Hollywood. The lost love of her life is important but isn’t driving her every action. She doesn’t need men to constantly save her. She puts men in their place, even ones who are trying to help her — because those same men are unintentionally undermining her. She’s a wonderful female lead, and I’m so happy I get to watch her again next season.
Runners Up: Carol (The Walking Dead); Ava (Justified); Kimmy (The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt); Helena (Orphan Black); Siobhan (Orphan Black); Joan (Elementary); Raven (The 100); Abby (The 100); Clarke (The 100); Skye (Agents of SHIELD); Jemma (Agents of SHIELD); Malia (Teen Wolf); Root (Person of Interest); Margaery (Game of Thrones)
I actually thought Iris from The Flash had this in the bag, but then I remembered Katrina from Sleepy Hollow. Then I thought Katrina had this in the bag, until I remembered Barbara. Oh, Barbara.
I don’t know if Barbara ever got any better the way Iris did (still too little, too late in my damn opinion) because I gave up on Gotham about 3/4 of the way through. (Also, Sleepy Hollow.) But from what I’ve read about the end of Season 1, I sincerely doubt it. And honestly, Barbara’s one of the worst female characters I think I’ve seen on TV in a long, long time. Nothing about her makes sense. Her motivations change for no reason from one episode to the next. She has almost nothing to contribute to the ongoing plot, except to need rescue, often because she did something idiotic. She is entirely unreasonable at least 80% of the time, and melodramatic turns in her story appear out of nowhere, like, oh okay, now she’s a drug addict, sure?
In a show with some serious flaws, Barbara Gordon is easily the worst thing about Gotham.
Runners Up: Iris (The Flash); Katrina (Sleepy Hollow)
So, I caught up on The Blacklist this year thanks to Netflix and Amazon, and I can tell you it’s one of those shows that you have to enjoy by reveling in just how utterly ridiculous it is. Unfortunately, and especially in the back half of second season, I’ve found The Blacklist’s inconsistencies more annoying than fun — but one thing will always make me happy about this show, and that’s the sheer number of car accidents the agents get into. (Also, kidnappings. These sometimes happen after the car accidents.)
That sounds mean, I know. And I’ve been in a car accident. They’re scary as shit, and I wouldn’t wish one on anyone, but see, the thing about injuries in The Blacklist is that accidents/attacks that should incapacitate you for months are usually dealt with in a week. Admittedly, that’s nothing new for Hollywood — although in Season One, Ressler makes this speedy recovery process a fucking art form — but the car accidents are particularly hysterical in The Blacklist because there are just so MANY of them. I think Season 2 has at least three or four episodes in a row where one or two of our main characters are in car accidents — and not like minor fender benders, but Super Big Ones. And almost every episode they’re pretty much fine after the commercial break.
I think someone eventually noticed because in the back half of second season, you know, when things started to suck? They really eased off both the car accidents and kidnappings, and I miss them. I want them to come home.
Runners Up: Palm Vaccinations (Arrow); Climbing Up The Wall With No Gloves (Arrow); Derek Swooping Into the Hospital, Lady Love In Arms (Teen Wolf)
Guys, there were so many awesome fight scenes this year. Really, there were just a ton to choose from, and Agents of SHIELD, in particular, made a very strong showing in this category, but — nope, not this year. There’s just no beating the notorious Hallway Scene from Daredevil.
Bad luck, you guys. You’re all still winners to me.
Runners Up: Flash vs Arrow, “Flash vs Arrow,” (The Flash); Skye against Hydra Agents, “The Dirty Half-Dozen,” (Agents of SHIELD); Bobbi vs Ward, “SOS, Part 1,” (Agents of SHIELD); Melinda vs Agent 33, “Face My Enemy” (Agents of SHIELD); Matt vs Ninja, “Speak of the Devil,” (Daredevil)
Look, I just like this guy, okay? He’s pretty and he’s got a nice accent and he tends to say most of the things that I say while watching the show. Sometimes, that’s really all I want out of a character.
Runners Up: Cal (Agents of SHIELD); Ray (Arrow); Choo-Choo (Justified); Aaron (The Walking Dead); Kitty (Elementary)
Ravi (Rahul Kohli) – iZombie & Jarvis (James D’Arcy) – Agent Carter
I’m pretty much in love with Ravi. He’s funny, a geek, and desperately attractive. He’s also a pretty great friend to Liv from the very beginning, when he has a wonderfully nonchalant reaction to the fact that his coworker’s a zombie. It’s probably not easy being friends with someone whose personality constantly shifts with every brain she eats, not to mention those occasional and unfortunate times she tries to eat you. (Okay, that only happened once, but let’s be honest with ourselves, shall we? Once is probably enough.) But it’s clear that Ravi is a better person than I am because he forgives all that, puts himself in danger trying to find a zombie cure, and is otherwise just generally awesome.
But Jarvis is pretty awesome, too, for he is loyal, charming, and in possession of a wit dryer than most champagnes. Seriously, he masters the polite British snark like no other and is a wonderful complement to Peggy Carter’s determination and competence. All of James D’Arcy and Hayley Atwell’s scenes together are simply magic. I look forward to seeing more of them in Season Two.
This is sort of a weird award to give to a character in a first season show, but I really didn’t like Cisco when The Flash first premiered. His humor fell flat to me, forced and awkward, and I hated how so many of his jokes seemed to be centered around ogling the female characters. I didn’t particularly buy him as a scientist, either, and would have been extremely happy if he’d just wandered away one day and never came back.
By the end of the season, though, Cisco had somehow become my favorite character.
It’s hard to figure out exactly when this happened. Gradually, he went from making me smile once or twice to laughing all the time. The jokes that had seriously annoyed me all but disappeared. He hit a couple of nice emotional moments I wasn’t expecting, and then suddenly he was in serious mortal peril, and I was like, “No, NOT CISCO!”
Of course, this kind of character reversal is probably best when it’s intentionally done (for instance, Jin on the first season of Lost), but the turn-around does greatly amuse me. Of course, Cisco’s awesomeness only means that my least favorite characters on The Flash are, once again, the women.
This just isn’t okay. Felicity is the best. I love Felicity. I love her with every bit of my geeky heart — but Season Three of Arrow did its very best to turn me against my favorite character. Once they established Felicity as Oliver’s primary love interest, the writers apparently had no idea how to handle her because they decided to ignore everything good they’d done with her character for the past two seasons and turn her into this irrational, whiny stereotype of a woman whose concerns almost entirely revolved around her love life. For Christ’s sake, she was jealous when Oliver was being forced to marry Nyssa.
Yeah, honey. That’s a love story you want to watch out for, your man and his ex-girlfriend’s grieving lesbian lover. I’d be concerned too.
Runner Up: Lizzie (The Blacklist); Finn (The 100); Rick (The Walking Dead)
Many people praised Daredevil’s chief antagonist, Wilson Fisk, but I was never watching Fisk scenes for Fisk himself. I was watching for Wesley, Fisk’s put-together, incredibly loyal, quietly snarky right-hand man. I love that guy. I could watch him raise a contemptuous eyebrow at some slow-witted lackey all day.
You’re the best, Wesley.
Runner Ups: Tim (Justified); Jenkins (The Librarians); Monty (The 100)
I’ll admit, Ra’s has never done much for me as a Batman villain — but I found Matt Nable’s performance particularly underwhelming. Like, he wasn’t intimidating or interesting in really any way. (Not to mention, it might have been nice to have seen a non-Caucasian actor in the part for once.) And considering that Ra’s rarely did anything that actually made sense — Yes, Oliver Queen must be my heir because . . . because . . . prophecy, of course! — yeah, it was pretty hard to take him seriously.
Runners Up: Berlin (The Blacklist); Coady (Orphan Black)
Matt & Foggy (Charlie Cox and Elden Henson) – Daredevil
Okay, these two have some stuff to work out by the end of the season. But seriously, I heart the hell out of these guys. I’ve seen “Nelson vs Murdock” an embarrassing number of times, and while I like a lot of things about the show, Foggy and Matt’s bromance is pretty much the backbone keeping it all together. It is, at the very least, what I read Daredevil fanfiction for.
Runners Up: Raylan & Boyd (Justified); Ravi & Major (iZombie)
Nyssa & Laurel (Katrina Law and Katie Cassidy) – Arrow
Hollywood doesn’t spend nearly enough time on girl friendships. Laurel and Nyssa don’t even have that much screen time — but pairing them up instantly made each character far more interesting. I kind of adored their scene in the diner, and I can see a lot of potential in their dynamic, potential that’s almost certain to be ignored, assuming the season finale is anything to go off of.
Sherlock & Joan (Jonny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu) – Elementary; Finch & Root (Michael Emerson & Amy Acker) – Person of Interest
One of the things I love most about Elementary is how Joan is on pretty equal footing with Sherlock. Three seasons in, they’ve really moved past the mentor/protege relationship and can now talk to each other as equals, which I think is great. They’re friends who depend on one another, annoy one another, and help one another, all without their scenes having the slightest bit of romantic subtext. I love this about them.
But I love Finch and Root, too, whose friendship grows stronger this season, particularly after events which can’t be named in the Non-Spoiler Section. They’re a lot of fun to watch on screen. I particularly adore Root’s violent desperation to protect Finch in “Skip,” and Finch’s reaction, both in the moment and at the end of the episode. Their relationship has changed drastically since they first encountered one another in Season One, and I buy every second of it.
Runners Up: Carol & Daryl (The Walking Dead); Ravi & Liv (iZombie)
FAVORITE INDIVIDUAL SONG
“Girl, You Don’t Need Makeup” – Inside Amy Schumer
I think I’ll let some of the lyrics speak for me on this one:
“Just a little mascara and you’ll make yourself look female.”
“See that’s on me. What’s on you is hopefully more makeup.”
“These are just metaphors, girl, but they are about your face.”
Runners Up: “Run Me Out” – Zola Jesus (Elementary); “Welcome to the Machine” – Pink Floyd (Person of Interest); “You’ll Never Leave Harlan Alive” – Darrell Scott (Justified); “Togetherness” – Josh Sasse, Karen David, and Luke Youngblood (Galavant); “Secret Mission” – Josh Sasse and Timothy Omundson (Galavant); “Stuck” – Maria Doyle Kennedy (Orphan Black)
I think we can all acknowledge that the casting of Bruce Campbell as a personality-shifting Kris Kringle who talks about himself in the third person was a particularly genius move. He’s pretty awesome in this episode. This exchange alone:
“Ho ho — ”
“Don’t ho.”
“You have to let Santa get to the third ho. Otherwise, it sticks in Santa’s head.”
Love. This was a pretty joyful episode all-around, and I’d be totally okay if Bruce Campbell wanted to drop by The Librarians for more holiday shenanigans in the future.
Runners Up: Lucy Lawless (Agents of SHIELD); Taraji P. Henson (Person of Interest); John Stamos (Galavant); Josh Charles (Inside Amy Schumer); Tina Fey (Inside Amy Schumer); Patricia Arquette (Inside Amy Schumer); Julia Louis-Dreyfuss (Inside Amy Schumer); Paul Giamatti (Inside Amy Schumer); John Hawkes (Inside Amy Schumer)
Bradley James – iZombie & Kyle MacLachlan – Agents of SHIELD
Bradley James only had about a handful of episodes to make me fall in love with Lowell, but I absolutely did. He is charming as hell, which — considering where his storyline goes — is something that I think is pretty vital. I was really only half-considering checking out Lifetime’s Omen spinoff TV series to mock the hell out of it; now, I HAVE to watch it because Bradley James is playing the Antichrist, and I feel like I need to see that. (Oh, wait, the show’s now going to be on A&E? Damn, that’s, like, 10% less mockable already.)
But Kyle MacLachlan is his own kind of charming on Agents of SHIELD, in that he’s fucking crazy and hysterical. I’m not sure if anyone else could have quite pulled off Cal’s perfect manic pathos, but MacLachlan is brilliant at it and easily gives one of the strongest performance in Agents of SHIELD’s second season.
Runner Ups: Enrico Colantoni (Person of Interest); Ophelia Lovibond (Elementary)
I know. The ties keep coming. Wait till I get to Favorite New Show, where I really just give up.
But yeah. I couldn’t pick between these two. Daredevil was so well-made: the acting was great, the choreography was excellent, the fight scenes were brilliant, etc. etc. But it also hit a lot of my fan kinks hard: angst, quality bromances, and so, so much H/C. (Although, admittedly, there’s more H than C so far.) I also really liked the two women in this show: while I’ll admit to being a a little concerned about how they’ll handle Karen in the future, I really liked Deborah Ann Woll’s performance and I was super excited to see that she had her own cause from the get-go that had nothing to do with romancing Matt or uncovering the truth about Daredevil. And Claire, well. Claire’s just awesome.
But if we’re talking about awesome female characters . . . well, we already did that superlative, didn’t we? Peggy Carter is just the best. This show handles the bullshit that women often go through so well, and while the show is set in the 1940’s, a lot of it still feels relevant today. It’s also just fun — good action scenes, zippy banter, enjoyable characters, etc. And it’s giving Enver Gjokaj something to do, too, which is awesome cause I just like that guy.
No contest here. Justified was an amazing show, but Season Five fell down hard, so much so that I was actually dreading watching the final season. (Well. That was one of the reasons, anyway.) But thankfully, Season Six was back in fighting form, casual and quippy and offbeat-cowboy-dark. I really haven’t seen a show that had a voice quite like Justified’s, so I was really happy they were able to pull out a solid conclusion to tie off the series. Season Six couldn’t fix the entire mess that Season Five made, but it was pretty strong, regardless, and gave me one of my favorite series finales ever.
Last season, Sleepy Hollow was the surprise hit, the diverse, fast-paced, totally ridiculous guilty pleasure about two people who were chosen to fend off the apocalypse, particularly this one big, headless dude who liked to decapitate people. This season seemed to be mostly about making Katrina even more useless than she was before and ignoring both Frank and Jenny to make room for the generic love interest that no one wanted. I love Abby something fierce, but she wasn’t enough to keep me going with this train wreck, and I eventually gave up on the show mid-season.
Daredevil, iZombie, Agent Carter, The Librarians, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
Seriously, I just gave up.
I’ve already talked about why I liked Daredevil and Agent Carter, so I’m not going to waste any more time with that here. As for anything else:
The Librarians is just everything I hoped it would be — silly and fun with characters I care about, amusing dialogue, terrible minotaurs, Arthurian mythology, and cranky John Larroquette. It’s this perfect mashup of Leverage and Warehouse 13 and just the ridiculous adventure crack I wanted at the time.
iZombie, meanwhile, replaces the Veronica Mars shaped hole I’ve had in my heart for, oh, about ten years. It’s spunky and sarcastic and hilarious, and I like almost every character in it. Ravi, of course, remains my favorite, but Liz is a great lead and Major a surprisingly awesome ex-boyfriend. Blaine, of course, is one of my favorite TV villains of the year, if not ever. I didn’t think Sark could be topped. I was wrong. Thank you, David Anders, for coming back to us (and in a considerably stronger show than Alias ever was).
Finally, Last Week Tonight is the only non-fiction show of the list, but I’m going to be real blasphemous here: I’ve looked forward to it on Sundays nights more than Game of Thrones OR The Walking Dead. It’s hysterical, it’s poignant, it’s constantly informing me of shit that I generally don’t know anything about, and damn well deserves an Emmy this year. For the Mother’s Day special on Paid Family Leave, if nothing else.
I was a little sad that Noah died, mostly because we just didn’t get all that much time with him. But guys, this might have been the most brutally violent death I’ve ever seen on television, not just for all the guts and gore but for the outright horror on Glenn’s face as he’s forced to watch only a foot away, on the other side of the glass. This one, man. This one stuck with me.
Thank you, The Walking Dead, for legitimizing my unease with revolving doors. Those things are TERRIBLE.
Runners Up: Tripp (Agents of SHIELD); Cisco (The Flash); Everyone on Mt. Weather (The 100)
Okay, so, this one’s weird because Shaw didn’t actually die. But I really, really thought she had, and honestly? I was bawling. I was bawling, you fuckers. That scene was so good. That whole episode was so good.
Runners Up: Wesley (Daredevil); Cisco (The Flash); Lowell (iZombie); Elias (Person of Interest); Shireen (Game of Thrones)
Reverse Flash/Dr. Harrison Wells/Eobard Thawne (Tom Cavanagh) – The Flash
This was pretty hard, you guys. There were definitely some strong contenders this year . . . but there was just something electric about watching Tom Cavanagh go from Heartfelt-Yet-Kind-of-Ominous Mentor to Full-On Supervillain. His performance was brilliant, easily one of the best things The Flash had going for it, and his scenes with Carlos Valdes, in particular, were just magnetic.
Runners Up: Blaine (iZombie); Cal (Agents of SHIELD); Dottie (Agent Carter); Dulaque (The Librarians)
The Flash decides to go back in time to save his mom (and everyone around him is cool with this), even though no one knows how that could fuck over the timeline and, oh yeah, a black hole might EAT THE WORLD – The Flash
Seriously, guys. This is a supervillain’s plan. A sympathetic supervillain, to be sure, but come on: if Mr. Freeze was suggesting something like this to save his dead mermaid wife, would anyone be on board with it? Would anyone be like, “Ultimately, dude, it’s your decision?” Bullshit. There’s no fucking way.
Runners Up: Laurel refusing to tell Lance that Sara’s dead (Arrow); Liv refusing to tell Major about zombies, even after he checks himself into a mental hospital (iZombie); Oliver stupidly going to rescue Malcolm so Thea’s not responsible for killing her own terrible father (Arrow); Flash seeking Captain Cold’s help for no reason at all (The Flash)
Look, Teen Wolf is regularly ridiculous. Hell, that’s half the reason I enjoy it. But you can’t just discover your super important antidote by having one guy remember drinking this werewolf’s smelly tea as a child and another guy suddenly realizing that the same smelly tea had awesome healing properties. Come on, guys. This is just offensively lazy writing. Get your shit together.
Runners Up: The 70’s computers (Teen Wolf); Rick admits that he wouldn’t have helped any other abused housewife, just the one he’s attracted to — and Jessie’s totally chill with that (The Walking Dead)
Because even though I still wish it had stronger plot relevancy — holy shit, this was hysterical. I was giggling for hours. THIS, Teen Wolf. THIS is the kind of ridiculousness I want from you.
Runners Up: The shirtless Headless Horseman (Sleepy Hollow); Allison & Donnie’s cash dance (Orphan Black); Jemma gets eaten by the alien sculpture thing (Agents of SHIELD); Logan gets Kimmy a dolphin (Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt)
Skye shoots Ward and leaves him for dead – Agents of SHIELD
This was a pretty competitive field with a ton of great moments to choose from — but as much as I enjoy Ward, Skye shooting him was just great for me on, like, a spiritual level. I know a ton of people despise Skye and yeah, she wasn’t my favorite in first season, either, but this season I think she’s grown a lot and I genuinely enjoy her watching her scenes now. This was one of my favorite moments in the whole second season.
Runners Up: Bob informs the cannibals that they’re eating tainted meat (The Walking Dead); Carol Threatens Pete (The Walking Dead); Carol blows up the propane tank (The Walking Dead); Root kills Martine (Person of Interest); Jemma tricks Bobbi (Agents of SHIELD); Scott Takes Down Violet (Teen Wolf); Peggy tells Jarvis off (Agent Carter); Clarke tells Abby she’s in charge (The 100);
I’ve never particularly liked Stannis, but I’ve never considered him a villain, either. Still, when you string up your own daughter (who was probably the sweetest girl in all of Westeros) and burn her alive as a sacrifice . . . well that, sir, that makes you the chiefest asshat of all asshats.
Okay, so this is my thing: I’m not categorically against rape scenes. Admittedly, I’m never thinking to myself, “Gosh, I like this, but it’d really be a lot better if there was just a little more raping.” That doesn’t happen. Still, I’ve seen rape scenes in movies and television that haven’t struck me as offensive or gratuitous.
The thing about Game of Thrones is that, at this point, I feel like they’re doing it for shock value, and that — that’s something I’m not okay with. And it’s interesting, too, because I have different problems with Season Four’s Controversial Rape Scene and Season Five’s Controversial Rape Scene. Jaime raping Cersei mostly bothered me because one, as it took place on Joffrey’s coffin, it felt especially crafted just for ratings, and two, the creators denying that it was a rape scene actually made everything just that much grosser.
Season Five’s Controversial Rape, on the other hand, bothered me partially because it was so unnecessary and partially because Sansa has been, time and again, this tragically victimized character. She finally starts showing signs of taking back power at the end of Season Four — and this, this is what you do with her? The perpetual victimization of Sansa Stark is maddening, as is the knowledge that Game of Thrones is probably going to win this award next year too, just because they know they can.
Thea Killed Sara Under the Influence of Bullshit Possession Drugs – Arrow
Like Sansa, Thea is another problematic character whose agency gets taken away from her nearly every time she manages to find some. It’s especially annoying here when Thea turns out to have killed Sara — not because she’s the one who did it (that wasn’t so hard to guess), but because the writers decided to come up with these bullshit possession drugs that no one’s ever heard of, just so that Thea could be a victim yet again, needing to be saved.
A much more interesting story would have gone like this: instead of giving his daughter Murder Roofies, Malcolm Merlyn simply tricks Thea into killing Sara. Thea doesn’t know that Sara’s the Black Canary (I’m pretty sure), so if he convinced her that BC was out to hurt them (or kill Oliver or something), then Thea could have done something terrible of her own free will, and we could still understand why she did it. And then she’d give up Merlyn to the League, and no one would try to stop her because, sweet Jesus, that STILL drives me nuts.
The only good thing about this storyline is that Laurel instantly forgives Thea, as Thea wasn’t actually at fault. When Laurel is the only good thing about a storyline, you know your season has gone to a dark and terrible place.
Runner Up: Lizzie’s holding Tom hostage (The Blacklist)
Mostly because this twist is incredibly hard to pull off. It’s done far, far too often, and as a general rule, I wish people would stop doing it — but here in Agents of SHIELD’s season premiere it works really, really well. I only caught it about two seconds before they told me, which is pretty impressive, and it makes sense for Fitz, who’s struggling with a traumatic brain injury and needs someone who can understand him, someone who used to finish his sentences.
Pretty much everything about Fitz’s arc was well done this year.
Runners Up: Jiaying was the true villain all along (Agents of SHIELD); Diggle and Felicity help Roy fake his own death (Arrow)
I was not anticipating a happy end to this show. All year, I’ve been trying to steel myself for the bloody deaths of characters that I’ve loved for years, most likely Boyd, possibly Raylan, maybe Ava. I figured “You Will Never Leave Harlan Alive” was about as prophetic of a song as you could get.
But Justified didn’t go the predictable route (even Wynn lives!), and I loved the show all the more for it. I did have one or two small problems with this episode (namely Loretta not getting a bigger moment to make up for her repetitive victimization this season), but “The Promise” was pretty awesome. It had a great shoot-out scene with an incredibly well-executed fake-out death. (Seriously, guys. I thought Raylan had bought the farm for reals.) There was the usual awesome dialogue, a change in hats, the revelation that Raylan and Winona will never make it as a couple, and — of course — that last scene between Raylan and Boyd.
“We dug coal together.” Oh. Oh, my heart. So much love for this scene.
Runners Up: “A Controlled Descent” (Elementary); “S.O.S., Part 1 and 2″ (Agents of SHIELD); “Conquer” (The Walking Dead)
Because, seriously. This episode was just amazing. The various simulations were at turns both heartbreaking and hilarious. Shaw busting in to save the day and her last stand against Samaritan’s people — so brutally awesome. The kiss. THE KISS. This whole episode was like a 45-minute action movie, and I loved it, even if it made me ugly cry. Quite possibly my favorite Person of Interest episode ever and certainly in the top five.
Runners Up: “What They Become” (Agents of SHIELD); “Cut Room” (Daredevil); “Nelson vs Murdock” (Daredevil); “Flash vs Arrow” (The Flash); “The Devil You Know” (Person of Interest); “And Santa’s Midnight Run” (The Librarians); “And the City of Lights” (The Librarians); “The Iron Ceiling” (Agent Carter); “The Frenemy of my Enemy” (Agents of SHIELD); “Out of Time” (The Flash); “Conquer” (The Walking Dead); “No Sanctuary” (The Walking Dead); “The Promise” (Justified); “The Eternity Injection” (Elementary); “Last F**kable Day” (Inside Amy Schumer); “12 Angry Men Inside Amy Schumer” (Inside Amy Schumer)
Finally, here’s a boatload of awesome scenes/moments that didn’t quite make it into any categories above:
Oliver reveals he’s the Arrow to Thea – Arrow
Thea tells Laurel she killed Sara – Arrow
The Machine talks to Finch – Person of Interest
Root plans to kill Finch’s girlfriend, and Finch drinks poison to prevent it – Person of Interest
Moriarty kills Joan’s nemesis – Elementary
Sherlock explains his drip-drip-drip of existence angst – Elementary
Kitty says goodbye to Sherlock – Elementary
Fitz tells Skye that there’s nothing wrong with being different – Agents of SHIELD
Fitz sees Ward for the first time since Season 1 – Agents of SHIELD
Jemma kills Bakshi – Agents of SHIELD
Everybody still hates Ward – Agents of SHIELD Mac helps Fitz save the day – Agents of SHIELD
Stone tells Cassandra that he can’t trust her – The Librarians
Dulaque briefly wears Santa’s hat – The Librarians
Stiles stand-offs with the PSAT Teacher Assassin – Teen Wolf
Reverse Flash tells Cisco he’s a meta-human – The Flash
Oliver shoots Barry with an arrow – The Flash
Daeneyrs talks with Tyrion – Game of Thrones
The entire battle against the White Walkers – Game of Thrones
Felix emotionally tortures Rachel – Orphan Black
Hurt Matt on Claire’s Couch – Daredevil
Clarke, Bellamy, and Monty kill everyone at Mount Weather – The 100
Clarke kills Finn – The 100
Carol’s Cookies – The Walking Dead
That’s it for the 2014-2015 TV season, everybody. Hope you all enjoyed.
Last week, the world learned that there would be a Bones/Sleepy Hollow crossover, which seemed . . . strange, considering that Bones is a criminal procedural with absolutely zero supernatural elements (brain tumor-induced hallucinations of dead people and cartoon characters aside), and Sleepy Hollow is a show about an 18th century soldier who gets resurrected into the modern era by his imprisoned witch wife so that he might become one-half of a supernatural crime-fighting duo destined to try and stop the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from destroying the world. They’re not exactly peanut butter and jelly, is what I’m saying.
Of course, then I immediately had to come up with my own ridiculous crossovers. (Potential SPOILERS for all shows mentioned.)
1. Scott McCall’s Pack of Miscellaneous-Creatures-That-Are-Mostly-Not-Werewolves Scouts Colleges in Central City
Stiles may have a vision that involves the pack moving to the Bay Area, but everyone decides to check out some (heretofore unmentioned) college in Central City anyway, over his animated and vehement protests. Of course, there’s a grisly werewolf murder as soon as they get there.
Flash and the gang investigate, naturally assuming the culprit is a metahuman, but are abruptly introduced to the supernatural once they meet Scott’s pack. Scott and Barry have some hero bonding time, while Sheriff Stilinski (acting as chaperone) commiserates with Joe on being the parent/law enforcement in-on-the-know. Lydia will help Caitlin with science things (and possibly fashion tips), while Cisco and Stiles will obviously geek out together — or, alternatively, hate each other because they’re both The Funny One. (I’m so torn on this.) Meanwhile, Kira will probably kick some werewolf ass (and bond with Iris, I guess?) while Malia will mostly be around to point out all the mistakes the Flash gang regularly makes. (For some reason, Malia point blankly informing Barry that his ideas are stupid fills me with such joy.)
Things will end happily, keeping to The Flash’s generally lighter tone, but if we need a Big Emotional Moment at some point, that will obviously go to Cisco and/or Stiles. Malia should (a) mistake Barry, Cisco, Iris, and Caitlin for high schoolers, and (b) be surprised at how many people actually wear shirts in Central City, as opposed to Beacon Hills. Oh, and Scott and Barry should probably duke it out at least once. You know, for science.
Oliver and Felicity have fucked off to the open road, leaving their vigilantism and unnecessary angst behind in Starling City. Unfortunately, they get a panicked SOS from Roy, who has somehow found himself in Toronto, ass deep in Clone Club problems.
I’ll admit, I don’t have any idea how Roy became involved in Clone Club problems, and I don’t care. What I do care about is a scene where Helena strokes Roy’s exquisitely beautiful cheek and says something like, “I have boyfriend, but you are very cute. You will protect babies with me, yes?” and Roy is utterly terrified.
Felicity and Felix will get along, obviously, and will both get immense satisfaction from watching Felicity’s cell phone video of Oliver doing the salmon ladder. Felicity will have to nerd out with Cosima, too, possibly playing extra geeky board games. Meanwhile, Allison will host some kind of wholesome cutesy dinner for her new guests, and Oliver will sit through it with his usual tight smile and otherwise vaguely-pained expression.
Diggle won’t come up to visit, but he will video chat with Felicity so he can get a good look at all the clones and, hopefully, have a reaction like this.
3. The Machine Has a New Number, and It’s a Heavily Sedated Sensate
Finch and Root have brought The Machine back to life, somewhat, but it’s definitely weakened. It does, however, give them a new number: Will Gorski, a policeman from Chicago who has recently gone missing. They manage to track him down in a New York safe house, where Riley, Nomi, and Amanita are continuously drugging him. Reese and Root understandably misread the situation at first and fight Nomi/Sun and Riley/Wolfgang in an epic battle sequence before they all realize they’re trying to do the same thing: save Will.
After everyone’s caught up on the various conspiracies that make up the plots of these shows, Team PoI has to help the Sensates get out of New York (and probably the country) because Samaritan is now on Whispers’ side and is helping to track them down. Nomi, Finch, and Root all have to do some Super Hacking together at some point and, hopefully, Amanita gets the opportunity to both help and annoy the dour Mr. Reese. Cause, c’mon. You know they would be the most delightful pairing.
Everyone makes it out alive at the end, although some of the good guys definitely get shot. Especially Reese, who I think has been shot at least three times in four seasons, and we wouldn’t want things to get too easy for that guy.
4. Goofy Adventure Fantasy Accidentally Stumbles Into Grimdark
So, our Librarians (all of them, including Jenkins) are affected by some kind of magical artifact thingy and get sucked into the world of Game of Thrones. Worse, they get separated and have to figure out how to get back into their own silly-happy world before they’re all brutally and awfully murdered.
Flynn and Baird end up with Brienne and Podrick. Brienne and Baird get along well enough, though Brienne obviously has no use for Flynn and his manic, flailing antics. He’ll probably amuse Pod, though, who I imagine is just happy that Brienne is yelling at someone else, for once. Brienne and Baird will obviously have to do hand-to-hand at some point.
Ezekiel and Stone, meanwhile, will end up at the Wall, arriving just in time to see Jon Snow resurrected by flame. Stone is disgusted with the men of the Watch for betraying their commander (and, also, by the tacky, grotesque artwork that is surely hung improperly on the walls inside), while Ezekiel is mostly freaked out by Melisandre because that woman be scary. Ezekiel will also take the time to mock Jon Snow and all his brooding because that obviously needs to happen whenever possible.
Finally, Cassandra and Jenkins will end up in Mereen with Tyrion and Varys, mostly so Jenkins can be offended that absolutely nobody here is behaving in any kind of noble, Arthurian way and grump a lot about it. Tyrion will snark back, and Varys will be idly fascinated by one of Cassandra’s math visualization things (technical term) while simultaneously wondering how these people have survived this long.
There will be much discussion of power and morality in this crossover. There will also be many instances where each character from one ‘verse asks each character from the other ‘verse, “What is WRONG with you people?”
Okay, I haven’t watched Grey’s Anatomy in a few years now, but hey, they both take place in Seattle, so why the hell not, right? Do you know how much more awesome Meredith’s VO narrations would be if they were about zombies? Yeah. SO MUCH more awesome.
There are actually a few ways this can go. iZombie ends its first season at a hospital, and there’s really no reason it couldn’t be Grey Sloan Memorial. (For that matter, I don’t think the show ever named the hospital that Liv used to work at, so Liv could totally have worked or gone to school with one of the interns there. Stephanie, maybe.)
But I kind of don’t want this to be subtle, like, I want a full-on zombie outbreak where various doctors die because, let’s face it, that’s just what doctors do on that show. (Don’t believe me? Here’s a list: George, Sloan, Lexie, Reed, Percy, Heather, and fucking McDreamy. Seriously, they killed both McSteamy AND McDreamy. How does that even happen on a network television show? And that’s not even bringing in all the tragic love interests and dead parents. Grey’s Anatomy is a Show of Death, you mark my words)
So, maybe this could happen: Liz goes with Clive and Ravi on their usual case of the week, but whatever suspect she sees in her vision turns zombie and starts eating other patients and staff. Liz has to stop the zombie outbreak from spreading while somehow keeping Clive (and most everyone else) from figuring out what’s actually going on. (I suspect Ravi will be doing some very fast-talking here.) Bailey, Meredith, and Alex will all find out about zombies and survive as a reward for still being alive from the first season. Cristina will also make a guest appearance because Cristina Yang vs Zombies is a thing that totally needs to happen.
Jo will definitely die, though. Jo will get eaten, like, a LOT. And at least one or two other main cast members will have to bite it. Maybe April? Or Amelia Shepherd? I hear she’s annoying. Or possibly Richard, if you want to tug at the heart strings. How Richard (a mentor) outlasted McDreamy (the One) continues to boggle my fucking mind. But I kind of like him all the more for it.
All right, those are my ridiculous crossover ideas for now. Ideas for your own? Leave them in the comments.
Season 5A of Teen Wolf just ended (well, a couple of weeks ago now) and I’ve got to tell you — it’s not a perfect season, but I think it’s a huge improvement over the last one.
DISCLAIMER:
As always with my Teen Wolf reviews/recaps/theses, there are SPOILERS EVERYWHERE. I’m pretty sure only about two people are going to read this, though, so I’m not exactly stressing myself out about it. I really need more Teen Wolf fans in my life.
SUMMARY:
Things have been pretty good in Beacon Hills lately, with the minor exception of Liam occasionally running around naked during the full moon. But things take a serious turn for the worse when (the majority of) Scott McCall’s pack enters senior year and has to face off against the seemingly omnipotent Dread Doctors and their failed science experiments, including one very chiseled werewolf/werecoyote hybrid, Theo (Cody Christian), who works to take down the pack from within.
NOTES:
1. So, I enjoyed Season 4 in a lot of ways — I mean, I’m a full blown fangirl; I’m probably going to enjoy Teen Wolf till the bitter, ab-tastic end — but I did feel like they made some missteps, particularly when it came to tone and emotional fallout from the previous season. They went upbeat when I wanted bittersweet. They went from Spock’s tragic death and concerning resurrection to goofy Save the Whales adventure! (Yeah, I’m making that dig. Suck it, fellow Trekkies! Also, that’s totally not true — Season 4 wasn’t anywhere near that goofy; they just didn’t really deal with consequences or price like I had hoped.) But this time?
Man, this time TW went to the Dark Place fast, and then just stayed there all season. 5A is not an upper. 5A is Scott McCall’s Pack of Broken Toys failing to save anyone, like, over and over and over again. By the end, even I was like, “Okay, damn, these guys really need a win.” (Which I think we’ll start getting next season, although maybe not in the very first episode. I’ve been reading interviews with Jeff Davis, and if this was the Season of Gloom and Despair, I’m thinking 5B will be more like the Season of Hope and Rebuilding? Only with still a little more emotional fallout, I think, because both Stiles & Scott and Scott & Liam have some trust issues to work out. But more on that in a bit.)
In some ways, I feel like Season 5A was written just for me. It addressed a lot of concerns I mentioned in my Season 4 Review, which was actually pretty awesome. (I like to pretend Jeff Davis actually read my review and thought, “You know, this snarky girl from Northern California makes some pretty solid points about my show. I should think about these things.” Look, we all have dreams, okay?) So, I was pretty jazzed about this whole season — but I do think the first half is stronger than the second, where the pacing feels a little off, particularly in the last few episodes and especially in the season finale. Oh my god, the finale. But, okay, we’ll get to that.
I’m having trouble figuring out how I want to structure this epic nightmare of a review. Let’s start by examining some relationship dynamics and just go from there, okay?
Okay, the bromance is totally not dead. But it seriously needs some fucking Band-Aids.
So, when I was talking about consequences before? Yeah, a lot of that had to do with Stiles. In Season 3B, Stiles is possessed by a chaotic Japanese fox spirit, thinks he’s losing his mind, and ends up killing some people. It’s not exactly happy times. In Season 4, though, they only make one mention of it, one, and it kind of drove me nuts, both as a Stiles fangirl, and as a person who just genuinely enjoys emotional continuity. I also wasn’t won over by any of the arguments positing that Stiles’s humanity was necessary to the show, though admittedly, this was more of a personal pet peeve than a plot complaint.
But in 5A, Teen Wolf managed to make Stiles’s humanity interesting to me in a way it just hadn’t been before, and I think a lot of that had to do with the brewing conflict between Neutral Good Scott, Alpha Werewolf, and Chaotic Good Stiles, Human Detective. (Before this season, I probably would have characterized Scott as Lawful Good, but with the Sheriff — who is obviously Lawful Good — having his whole moral dilemma about not breaking the rules for anyone, I’m just not sure. Thoughts?)
For the most part, I thought Teen Wolf did a really good job building that conflict, like, they start laying the foundations in pretty early.
This is probably one of my favorite scenes in the whole season, where Scott confronts Stiles about his ongoing trust issues, and Stiles — who clearly has some anger issues as well — nearly breaks his hand by punching his beloved Jeep. I like it because it’s such a perfectly distilled representation about the dichotomy between them (trust everyone/trust no one), but also because Teen Wolf is already setting Scott up to believe Theo’s story later on, that Stiles just temporarily lost it. It’s not such a hard scenario to believe, if you think about it: Stiles is an impulsive, anxious, and pretty angry character; combine that with a pissed off wendigo-hybrid and Stiles’s well-documented desperation to protect his dad, and it’s pretty easy to imagine a scenario where Stiles slid from self-defense into actual murder. Hell, Theo’s version of events isn’t that different from a fanfiction I wrote, so yeah, I can buy Scott’s doubt later on.
The other scene setting up the Big Fight is the “Is It Ever Okay to Kill Someone?” debate outside Eichen House. This is right after Stiles secretly killed Donovan in self-defense, so we all know what side of the argument he’s on — and he makes some pretty valid points. But Scott’s also not wrong when he says that Tracy and Lucas were victims, and though he never brings it up, Scott could just as easily have pointed out that killing either of them wouldn’t have been much different than killing Stiles when he was possessed by the Nogitsune. (Oh my God, I want to squee so hard about Void Stiles, but we’ll save that for now. Organization. Discipline. This is totally not what I’m known for.) Every moral conflict is instantly a 1,000 times better when the characters on opposite sides of the argument are both making reasonable points, so, yeah, this is a pretty great scene, too.
But it all starts to come apart when Stiles and Scott finally have the Big Fight you’ve been waiting all season for.
I’ve read a few different critiques of this scene now, and honestly, it doesn’t bother me as much as it bothered other reviewers. I certainly didn’t care about the melodramatic rain; this is Teen Wolf, people! I expect a little melodramatic rain. I’m more disappointed that they weren’t yelling at each other shirtlessly. (Well, Scott, anyway. I’m convinced Dylan O’Brien has it in his contract that he never has to take off his shirt; that, or Jeff Davis is actively trolling us. This is also likely — I’m convinced it’s one of the guy’s favorite activities in the world.)
I love when Stiles yells that not everyone can be a True Alpha like Scott, that some of them have to get a little blood on their hands. I surprisingly buy the moment when Scott steps back as Stiles comes toward him with his supposed Murder Wrench. But it kills me that Stiles never actually says, “Donovan was gonna eat me,” or something like that. It’s implied, sure, but he never actually says it and — I just don’t buy it. I don’t. Instead of saying what he would obviously say, Stiles brings up his dad twice, and yeah, Donovan’s desire to kill the Sheriff is certainly important, but it doesn’t really have anything to do with why Stiles accidentally killed Donovan with a handy bit of scaffolding. Stiles did that because Donovan was trying to eat his legs at the time. That’s your motive right there.
There’s an argument to be made, I suppose, that sometimes people don’t say what they actually mean, that they forget the other person in the conversation doesn’t have the same picture in their head and are missing out on vital clues. And I think that’s what TW was going for, but — nope, I still don’t buy it. I don’t buy Stiles not once explicitly saying, “He was going to kill me.” Cause the thing is, even if he had said it? I think Scott has enough reason to doubt Stiles’s word, or at least his definition of self-defense. (For me, it’s less that Scott trusts Theo over Stiles and more that he doesn’t trust Stiles to know where the line is.) But without Stiles saying it, without those words? The scene reads a bit too much like manufactured drama. Which is kind of a bummer because, as I said, I was super into this conflict all season.
Still, I’m pretty interested to see where it all goes in 5B, now that Scott realizes he was super wrong about trusting Theo and Stiles knows he can make the hard choice between his father’s life and his BFF’s.
3. Liam and Scott – In the Name of the Super Moon, I will FUCKING SLAUGHTER YOU
So, Scott and Liam have their own woes this year, namely that Liam blames Scott for repeatedly failing to save his ladylove, Hayden (Victoria Moroles). When she starts dying, Liam’s Massive Anger Issues erupt during the Super Moon (which is, apparently, a real thing — well, the Super Moon is, anyway, not so much its effect on supernatural creatures) and he tries to kill the shit out of Scott. (Liam also gets, like, stupidly buff during this scene. He suddenly seems about four times his usual size. Personally, I thought it was hilarious.)
Like Stiles, Liam’s anger issues (already previously introduced) are nicely foreshadowed in the beginning of the season. He and Scott actually have some pretty decent scenes in the first episode about trying to learn control, and the idea of his arc — where Liam ultimately turns against his benevolent Werewolf Daddy — makes total sense. In general, I ended up liking Liam a lot more than I did last season. He’s still far from my favorite, but he did make me laugh a few times, which is always great.
The problem, unfortunately, is this:
4. Liam and Hayden – I Hate You, I Hate You — Wait, Never Leave Me Again!
Look, antagonistic chemistry is totally and forever going to be a thing when it comes to romantic relationships, but it is so pathetically forced between these two. See, Hayden’s a new character, and we’re forced to watch her snipe at Liam for Mysterious Reasons for about five episodes before we finally find out that, years before, she accidentally wandered into one of Liam’s fights and ended up with a black eye on Picture Day. Which, sure, I’d be pretty pissed too, and I was definitely happy to see that Hayden had given Liam a couple of black eyes himself . . . but to be maintaining this level of active hostility four years later feels more than a little contrived. I could probably get over it, except that Hayden has virtually nothing else to do but bitch at Liam for the first half of the season, which (a) does absolutely zero for her likability, and (b) makes her feel less like a real person and more like a badly written Tough Female Stereotype. She is such a manufactured love interest that I just started rolling my eyes any time she came on screen.
Plus, that scene where she and Liam are, like, competing against each other while practicing completely different sports? Yeah. That was dumb. It doesn’t help any that there doesn’t appear to be a goalie in front of Hayden’s net, so her scores seem considerably less impressive than whenever Liam makes a goal.
Equally annoying: you know Hayden’s going to be a love interest the second you see her, and yet Liam’s Undying Love still feels way too sudden and artificial. I’m okay with them getting together quickly — they’re young, the stakes are high, yada yada yada — but suddenly Liam’s whole life seems to be about keeping Hayden safe, and for all his previously addressed anger issues, I just don’t buy her as the motivation for all his GIGANTIC WEREWOLF RAGE in the season finale. I mean, come on, guys, they’ve been together for like a second. If Mason had been in danger, though, that I might have bought.
On the upside, Hayden does start getting better the moment she (legitimately) freaks out and punches Idiot Liam in the face.
I have re-watched this scene now an unacceptable amount of times, and I’ve got to tell you: it’s still cracking my shit up. Hell, I laugh just thinking about it. If I ever had to make a Top 20 Teen Wolf Moments list — oh Christ, don’t even think about that, brain — I’m pretty sure this one would go on there; I laughed that hard.
Hopefully, Hayden will get a little more to do and thus become more interesting once 5B comes around — although I worry that her inevitable star-crossed romance with Liam might take up too much screen time. (Unless Liam goes over to Theo’s side, but I doubt that’s going to happen. Scott undoubtedly made a few mistakes this season, but between the two of them, I’d say Liam probably owes Scott the bigger ‘Dude, I Fucked Up’ apology.)
5. Lydia, Kira, and Malia – Females Are Strong As Hell
So, I read this article on TV.com that argued that the female characters on Teen Wolf all had serious room for improvement, that they were primarily played as solely love interests and that none of them had stepped up to becoming a strong female lead like Allison Argent. It’s an interesting argument and one I might have partially agreed with in Season Four (only partially, though, especially because — while I grew to like Allison over time — I don’t think she was nearly as independent or strong of a character as this reviewer believes), but it’s absolutely NOT one I agree with in 5A. Because in 5A, all the women — excepting poor Hayden, of course — have got their own shit going on, and it’s awesome.
I’ll be discussing each of the girls (plus Melissa McCall, who has been consistently awesome since Day One) later on, but I just wanted to quickly throw out there that, in my opinion, Teen Wolf has some pretty great female characters, and the improvement in their story arcs (particularly Kira’s) is another one of my favorite things about this season.
The best episode highlighting this is “Dreamcatchers,” where we have Girl Friendship Scenes (Kira and Lydia attempting to teach Malia how to drive), Girl Detective Scenes (Banshee Lydia leading the girls to the bodies; Kira and Lydia investigating Tracy’s bedroom), and Girls Save the Day Scenes (Lydia getting stabbed trying to protect her mom; Kira getting her badass kitsune on and cutting Tracy’s tail straight off; Malia leaving the boys behind to defeat Tracy on her own, while simultaneously overcoming her own predatory instincts and getting through to the kanima-hybrid.) Honestly, the boys don’t do much in “Dreamcatchers” except get their asses temporarily paralyzed.
I will say, though, that there’s definitely room for more Girl Friendship scenes because, as much as I like me a Stiles/Scott bromance, I’d love to see more actual bonding time between the female characters, not to mention . . . how do I phrase this, exactly? . . . some kind of callback to earlier scenes? Like what Kira and Lydia went through together in that episode was kind of intense; Kira was keeping Lydia from bleeding out until Evil Theo and his Life-Saving Belt finally showed up. It’d be cool for them to reference shit like that again. I mean, it doesn’t have to be that specific scene; I just want the girls to share more of an arc, to have their own fully developed ladymances.
This is actually one of the reasons I’m excited that Recently Resurrected Tracy (Kelsey Chow) is coming back in 5B.
I’m not exactly sure why, but I liked Tracy right from the start (a whole lot more than I ever liked Hayden), and I’m excited by the idea of her dynamic with Lydia (who was trying to help her before anyone else) and Malia (who finally got through to her, only to watch her die). I know Tracy’s currently on the Side of Evil, and that’s fine for now, but I’m going to be awfully disappointed if the show makes her a by-the-numbers henchmen and/or doesn’t take the opportunity to capitalize on her relationships with the other female characters.
5A starts out in an appropriately dark place: Lydia is a catatonic patient at Eichen House, and if you thought maybe they’d start hiring more appropriate employees after one of them turned out to be a serial killer, ha! Brunski’s practically a JV Psycho when you compare him to Deeply Unsympathetic Nurse Ratched and Pervy Creepy McCreeperson — that whole scene with him maliciously stabbing Lydia with the syringe was, like, uber disturbing. I was fucking bothered, okay?
But then Lydia wakes up screaming and proceeds to kick so much ass.
So one of my other criticisms about Season Four: it seemed more than a little ridiculous that the pack members without super strength wouldn’t have bothered to learn how to fight or carry a wolfsbane gun or do something to protect themselves from the supernatural. Therefore, I was ecstatic to see Lydia kicking the shit out of everyone at Eichen House — not to mention hella intrigued by her New Banshee Super Scream. (Of course, it’s pretty hysterical that Lydia apparently learned jiu jitsu in one session while still recovering from major surgery — but I’m prepared to overlook that because it makes me laugh. Also amusing: Parrish being all like, sure, I totes know a little jiu jitsu.) It was especially nice that Lydia decided to learn after Tracy nearly killed her. If there’s one thing that can motivate you to take up self-defense, it’s a near-death experience at the hands (or tail) of a lizard monster.
We find out why Lydia’s catatonic by the end of 5A (Theo, you fucker), but she’s not at Eichen House yet — my best guess is that her mother will commit her, especially because Natalie Martin seems to be working a pretty hard core case of willful denial right now, and I doubt she’d listen to the pack even if they told her that Eichen House was a terrible place to go. (If Stiles or Malia signs off on the plan to send Lydia to Eichen House, I will be furious.) I can’t wait to see what happens to her there — I hope she kicks Valack right in the face. Theo too, eventually.
7. Lydia and Stiles – I Ship Them But I Kinda Don’t Ship Them But I — Look, I Just Love Them, Okay, STOP PRESSURING ME!
Here’s the thing: I absolutely did not ship Stiles and Lydia in Seasons 1 or 2. Maybe a tiny, tiny bit at the end of Season 2 (I really do like the scene where Lydia goes to Stiles for help saving Jackson and Stiles kind of yells in her face about people getting hurt), but at the beginning, their dynamic didn’t feel much less forced to me than Liam and Hayden’s, and worse, they were on such unequal footing that any relationship between the two of them seemed doomed to be unhealthy. But once Lydia really became part of the pack and stopped being just a love interest for Stiles or Jackson, once Lydia and Stiles became actual friends? I could totally see them together. By then, the show had earned a relationship between their characters; plus, the actors had pretty good chemistry with one another. So . . . yeah, I kind of ship them.
On the other hand . . . I also just love their friendship, and certain scenes mean a little more to me if they aren’t intended to be romantic. For instance, when Stiles totally freezes up after seeing Lydia’s been attacked.
This is a perfectly legitimate response to seeing one of your best friends trying not to die on a police station floor, but for some reason, it’s also the kind of reaction you only seem to get in Hollywood if the two characters are romantically entangled. I adore how much Lydia and Stiles care about each other, like when Lydia tries to keep Stiles away from Eichen House and Stiles refuses to let Lydia go without her. It’s awesome we get these kind of scenes even though they’re Just Friends — as if friendships are somehow less meaningful than romantic entanglements — so if they actually do get together, I don’t know, I’d be kind of bummed. And it’s interesting, because I’m perfectly okay with the idea that these two might not be fully platonic friends — like they both might always wonder if we/will we, etc. — but I’m not sure I want them to actually get together. Though I suspect it would bother me less if there were more strictly platonic relationships in Teen Wolf — like if the show spent some time on Stiles and Kira being buddies, or Scott and Malia playing video games, or something like that.
Either way it goes, I will always be happy to see more of the Stiles and Lydia Detective Agency. Scott commenting on their relationship was pretty interesting, too.
8. Stiles and Theo – Now THIS Is How You Do Antagonistic Chemistry
So, Theo is an evil little shit. I’m happy we’re told this almost immediately, and I’m hugely relieved that everyone knows by the end of 5A. His Secret Smarmy Evil was totally fine for the first half of the year, but it would have been excruciating if it had gone on any longer. Also, I don’t know why it’s taken so long to get Christian on the show because he’s basically out of the Teen Wolf male model catalog. Like, there’s a certain look a lot of the Teen Wolf guys have got going on: Theo, Jackson, Liam, Isaac. I think the technical term for that look is Cheekbones, and it’s not a bad look or anything. I’m just saying. They all look like they were carved out of cream cheese. They are the Cream Cheese Boys of MTV.
Anyway, I love that there’s never really a point when Stiles completely trusts Theo. The conversation they have outside the vet clinic is nothing short of amazing. I clearly have too many favorite flavors of Stiles to pick just one, but Sassy I-Don’t-Give-a-Fuck Stiles is definitely up there. Now that Theo’s “hey-I’m-evil” secret is out of the bag, I kind of just want these two to snark at/try to kill each other, like, all the time. (This used to be Derek’s role, in a way, except that instead of trying to kill each other, Stiles and Derek reluctantly saved one another’s lives. I kind of miss that dynamic — but unpopular opinion? I think the show is a little better without Derek as a main cast member. More on that blasphemy in a while.)
I must say that, for as evil as Theo is — and he IS evil because when he basically stole that hug Stiles desperately needs from his dad, I kind of wanted to kill him, on a level that was surprising even for someone who’s invested enough to write 10,000 words analyzing a damn TV show — for all that, I’m not convinced Theo’s a great planner. I mean, I know the Dread Doctors were upping his time table and all (and I did love it whenever Theo was clearly intimidated by them) but even though he did (temporarily) kill Scott and break up the pack . . . I don’t know, it just didn’t seem all that well-conceived? But hey, the dude knows how to smirk evilly, I’ll give him that. Derek and Jackson should come back and they can all just stand in a room, smirking at one another. (Hm, maybe Jackson would have been a better comparison before. I guess Stiles just has antagonistic chemistry with lots of people.)
In the meantime, the best thing Theo did all season was try to draw out Void Stiles. Seriously, I was ecstatic during that scene — actual consequences from 3B, FINALLY! I am all about Stiles dealing with, like, his potential killer instincts and shit. If they have a scene where Stiles dreams that he has Killer Blue Eyes, I will do a fucking dance, my hand to God.
Speaking of characters with killer instincts . . .
9. Malia and the Desert Wolf – Uh, No More Wire Hangers?
One of the (many) reasons I disagree so strongly with that article I linked to earlier is that I’ve never thought of Malia as “just” Stiles’s girlfriend, and not even because this season seems to be hinting at their potential breakup. Malia has far too much character to be just anyone’s anything. The fact that she spent the majority of her life as a coyote isn’t just some background factoid on her Teen Wolf Wiki page; Malia is constantly stuck in the “not quite a coyote/not quite a girl” place, and I love that. I actually agree far more with a different TV.com reviewer, who — in his recap here — argues that love interests and female characters in general just aren’t usually allowed to be as downright weird as Malia is. (Also, his recaps are hilarious and worth reading, if you don’t already.) Malia is a love interest, but that’s not all she is, which really is how it should be for everyone on TV. Also: movies, books, basically anything with a story. Character first, love interest second.
Malia has a few things going on this season: reigning in those killer instincts, not dealing well with failure, some UST with Abs McEvil — yeah, that may be how I’m referring to Theo for the remainder of this godamn treatise review. But her main story has to do with her birth mother, the Desert Wolf (a well-cast Marisol Nichols). Turns out, Malia didn’t kill her adopted mom and sister after all; the Desert Wolf did while trying to murder her own daughter. (Which lends credence to Stiles’s idea that Killer Blue Eyes is more reflective of guilty feelings than some kind of Supernatural Decree.)
Malia finds this out in basically the worst way possible: hallucinating during a driving lesson with Abs McEvil. (Evil McAbs? Evil Cream Cheese? Damn it, Carlie. Must. Focus.) Apparently, Malia’s flashback was caused by reading the Dread Doctors book, but I didn’t get that at all until the next episode because (a) she’d already been having mini flashbacks prior to reading the novel, and (b) I didn’t realize the book could also dig up non-Dread-Doctor related memories until half the pack was reliving all their suppressed bullshit. (I actually loved all this, though, both the sudden switch to widescreen and the boatloads of angst that went along with the hallucinations. I am always happy about any weird visions, nightmares, or other trippy dream imagery — it is one of my very favorite things about Teen Wolf.)
Because of all this, Malia — who had previously given up her search for her mass murdering mother — decided to engage in a secret mission: track down the Desert Wolf and kill her. Unfortunately for her, the Desert Wolf somehow found out and is now back on her way to Beacon Hills, looking to kill Malia as well. (After doing who knows what with poor Deaton. Man. You just want to go look at one mad scientist’s abandoned laboratory in Russia, and a murderous werecoyote ends up capturing you. Some people have no manner of luck at all.)
Now it’s just a matter of waiting for January so we can all watch the awkward homicidal family reunions in 5B. Looking forward to it!
10. Kira Yukimura and Her Sword-Belt – Bladed Fashion Accessories Are a Girl’s Best Friend
I’ve liked Kira since she arrived in 3B, but she definitely didn’t have much to do last season other than be Scott’s GF and, also, lose a lot of sword fights. She always looked pretty awesome in the sword fights, but nevertheless, she got knocked out, like, a lot. She was kind of Teen Wolf’s Worf, if Worf was an adorkable teenage girl. (Somebody! Anybody! MAKE THIS HAPPEN!) And despite having badass thunder and lightning powers, Kira never did anything with them, something I definitely complained about in my review.
In this season, though, Arden Cho has so much more to work with. (And a belt that turns into A SWORD. Holy shit. Best. Accessory. Ever.) Unbeknownst to her (at least, at the time), the Dread Doctors did something to Kira, and the kitsune inside her didn’t respond very well to it. We don’t know exactly what they did or why, but the result seems to be that Kira has become a badass who can actually land a blow. I cheered when she cut off Tracy’s lizard tail, I swear to God. I really loved that fight scene. That whole episode, really.
Another fight scene I really enjoyed: that unfortunate time Kira almost killed her mother.
Up till this point, I didn’t actually think there was anything very seriously wrong with Kira — I figured it was one of those typical misunderstanding deals, like when Derek was supposedly dying last season but was actually EVOLVING. (Yeah, I’m still mocking that a little.) I was so sure that the message Theo recorded was actually an intentional mistranslation in order to further wedge Kira and Scott apart. But once she nearly took out her own mom, I was forced to admit I was probably wrong. And as much as I’m all for Team Kira Kill, I just like her parents way too much to see her (or anyone else) murder them. I worry about Ken and Noshiko, especially Noshiko. Right now they’re not in any real danger, but Kira still has two living parents and they are, in the tradition of Teen Wolf, both pretty awesome — so yeah, I worry about them a lot. (I should probably be more concerned about the Sheriff who, last we saw, was currently trying not to die himself — but I don’t actually think they’re going to kill him. If I’m wrong, though, man. We’re definitely seeing Void Stiles in Season 5B.)
After possibly killing one of the teenage hybrids and getting temporarily arrested for murder, Kira and her parents have left Beacon Hills, presumably to look for answers about what’s going on with her and how to fix it. Not that Ken should have gone with them, of course, since he confessed to Kira’s supposed crime and gets arrested himself. Luckily for him, though, Parrish has been stealing the bodies of the hybrids (more on that later), so the police had to let him go because — er, no body, no crime?
Um. UM.
Seriously, I’m aware that I’m not in law enforcement, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how that saying is supposed to work. It’s not like the police never saw the body. It’s not like they don’t presumably have pictures of it. Come on, dudes: a guy confessed to killing someone who you know was killed. It wasn’t subtle or anything; she had a sword sticking out of her chest. Whether some random corpse-thief stole the body later or not is kind of irrelevant.
Beacon Hills Police Department, we need to talk — and especially you, Sheriff Stilinski.
11. Sheriff Stilinski and Melissa McCall – The Slap Heard ‘Round the World
Jeff Davis is a giant troll. I know I’ve never met the man, nor will I ever meet the man, but nonetheless, I remain convinced: the Sheriff (who has no first name, apparently, because people like Scott and Lydia keep awkwardly referring to him as Stilinski when they totally wouldn’t do that) FINALLY goes on a date with someone, and it’s Lydia’s mom. Of course, this was actually pretty cute because Linden Ashby and Susan Walters are actually married in real life, but . . . come ON. I have shipped Melissa McCall and the Sheriff harder than any other ship on this show — like, Stiles and Lydia, Lydia and Jackson, Jackson and Danny, Danny and Stiles, Stiles and Malia, Stiles and Derek, Stiles and Scott, Scott and Kira, Scott and Allison, Lydia and Allison, Allison and Isaac, Scott and Isaac, NO. It is ALL about the Sheriff and Melissa, god damn it.
5A — Season of Darkness and Despair — is, of course, when Melissa slaps the Sheriff right across the face.
So, that hybrid Kira may or may not have killed earlier? (I still say Evil Cream Cheese did it.) Melissa actually finds the body on her kitchen table. This is not considerate of whoever left the body there — how is she ever supposed to eat dinner off that thing now? Melissa calls the Sheriff, telling him to leave his badge at the door — but once he sees the body, the Sheriff calls it in and puts an APB out on Kira. Melissa immediately slaps him, as well she should.
At first, I was a little unsure how I felt about the Sheriff’s turn to Super Lawful Good, but it’s actually grown on me since. It doesn’t seem so OOC that he’d be struggling with how much he’s been forced to break the rules for the kids, though it does strike me as hypocritical when, not too long before, he was asking Melissa to let him look at confidential patient files, something she should totally bring up if this continues to be a problem for them.
This was such a cute scene, though, and pretty reminiscent of one or two they’ve had in the past. The Sheriff’s crisis of conscience versus Melissa’s determination to put the kids first adds an interesting layer to their dynamic, and I actually wouldn’t mind seeing more of it (I absolutely adored her official statement, like, you go, Melissa McCall), but — damn it, I love when they play detective together, almost as much as I love when Stiles and Lydia do. So. Yeah, I kind of need them to get over all that (presuming he lives, of course) and, you know, JUST KISS ALREADY.
12. Melissa and Scott McCall – Someone’s Gunning for a “World’s Greatest Mom” Mug
So, Scott makes a lot of poor choices this year. Trusting Theo, obviously. Invading that one kid’s mind without his consent. Not trusting Stiles. Lying to Kira. And, man, his plan to capture one of the Dread Doctors by using Hayden as bait was such a miserable failure that I could actually see why Liam might lose faith in him as a leader/Werewolf Daddy. Scott goes to the Super Low Place maybe three times this season, even going so far as to sit in a dark closet with the leash of his dead dog. (That he’s apparently kept since he was, like, three. Hopefully, someone’s cleaned off the bloodstains by now.)
And it’s up to Melissa to give him an inspirational speech each time this happens. Plus, you know, save his fucking life.
So, Liam almost kills Scott. Mason manages to stop him but unfortunately can’t stop Theo from finishing the job. Melissa, however, brings Scott back from the dead with grit, determination, and Magic CPR. Of course, CPR is usually magic in Hollywood, but there’s two kinds to distinguish between: the Breath of Life and the Mighty Hammer Strike. Melissa uses the Mighty Hammer Strike, and it doesn’t matter at all that Scott’s been dead for fifteen minutes because he’s a True Alpha and the star of the show and, also, because Melissa is just the very best.
. . . you know who should go on a shopping trip sometime? Melissa and Noshiko. Girl Friendship time need not be limited to the adolescents. These two would be great together.
So, I’m not sure I’m fully shipping Lydia and Parrish yet, but I’ll admit, I’m definitely more interested in them than I was last season. Now that we finally know what Parrish is (damn it, I never even considered hellhound), I’m really loving the whole death omen/finding bodies connection they’ve got going on. Their sexy fighting is kind of fun too, I guess —
— but my favorite scene with them was probably when they were holding hands while on opposite sides of the bars. That was cute, although I have zero idea what Parrish said to his co-workers to explain why he was imprisoning himself.
What I really like about their relationship (whether it stays on its current romantic track or goes somewhere else) is how Lydia, who’s already been through the “What the Hell Am I” stage of her supernatural career, is less frightened of her abilities now and wants to help Parrish feel the same way. It’s remarkable character growth for someone who really began the show as a shallow love interest/mean girl, and it makes me love her all the more. (I’ve basically just accepted my dual crushes on Stiles and Lydia now. Also, Kira, because what’s not to like about a fox girl on fire with a belt-sword?)
We still have a lot of unanswered questions about Parrish’s exact role in all this drama — like why he’s gotta be naked to collect bodies or what the fuck is up with this —
So, I’ve enjoyed the Dread Doctors well enough this season — though it’d be awesome if I could understand a fucking word they were saying — but they’re definitely, like, omnipotent assholes with very little personality and no weaknesses of any kind. I’m actually okay with that for now, but I think we’re gonna need to change that up in 5B, sooner rather than later. Obviously, we need some answers on what the hell they’re even doing; again, what the shit is up with this —
— but more importantly, I think the Dread Doctors need to suffer a loss, preferably to Scott, and well before the end of the season. I mean, in a way, I guess they’ve been failing all season with their chimeras, but they’ve also been slapping around the McCall pack left and right with, like, their little steampunk pinkies. I’d like to see that change up when the show returns in January.
(Also, while the lampshade was kind of funny — if I’d been in Beacon Hills, I would have refused, on moral principle, to call these dudes the Dread Doctors, no matter what some psych patient with a literal third eye in his forehead thought. They would have just been the Doctors, and that would have been that.)
Truthfully, though, the DD’s failed science experiments are really the most interesting things about them. I love the idea of someone using mad science to create supernatural creatures; I thought it was a really fun change-up to the mythology, and I particularly thought the “Tracy is a Kanima” reveal was nicely done. (Well, except for Stiles being all like, “I know what she is,” and then doing a dramatic pause for like eight years — that was all a little silly.)
Funny thing: when I watched the season finale, for some reason I just assumed that Theo resurrected all the dead chimeras. I had to re-watch it to realize he only brought back Tracy (kanima), Corey (invisible boy), Hayden (werewolf), and . . . uh, Josh? (kid who was chewing on power lines, I think?) I’m presuming Theo only stole enough Re-Animator juice for four; otherwise, why not bring back everyone, right?
I kind of wish Scorpion Boy Lucas was coming back instead of Josh, but I’m pretty happy about everyone else, especially Tracy. There should be some interesting dynamics there (hopefully, they won’t ONLY focus on Hayden and Liam), and I can see how each of them might want to stick with the guy who successfully brought them back from the dead — but like I said before, I really don’t want any of the chimeras to be purely snotty henchmen types. That’s boring and kind of done. Maybe Josh, who no one cares about. (Then again, Theo is also the one who killed Josh. I guess that could be interesting, too.)
Also, now that I know Donovan isn’t coming back, I’m super happy. I really liked this weird turn in the story, and Donovan’s resurrection was the only part I was less than stoked about. RIP, Donovan, you creepy-teethed bastard.
15. Stiles and Donovan – Actually, I Think I’ll Keep My Legs, Thanks
Okay, so I loved basically everything about Stiles killing Donovan.
Admittedly, you don’t get much more accidental than managing to unhook scaffolding that just happens to impale your attacker, but surprisingly, Donovan’s death still didn’t feel like a cheat to me, partially because none of the good guys have come anywhere near killing any of the bad guys since Peter in Season 1, partially because it was super gory, and partially because Stiles’s reaction to it (immediately after, but also in the episodes to come) was so in character and so good. Dylan O’Brien acts the hell out of this season, especially in “A Novel Approach.” The scene where he’s silently reacting to Donovan’s Evil Monologue, or the scene where he’s fleeing the library. When he nearly breaks down in his car or when he actually breaks down in his bedroom . . . almost every minute of that is wordless and, yeah, pretty much perfect.
Although I just . . . I just have to say this: what the HELL is the point of having Creepy Neck Teeth?
I mean, I get it, they’re weird, but also . . . how is that practical? Are you going to turn your head, lean into somebody, and awkwardly eat them with your neck? Creepy Hand Teeth are functional; I am totally down with Creepy Hand Teeth. But this, Dread Doctors? This is just silly.
Okay, from here on in we’re just doing ABC notes now, got it? Cause I do actually have other things I need to write. Like, lots of things. ALL the things.
Here we go:
A. Remember that time when Scott was supposedly teaching Stiles stuff? Like what chimeras were or what “regression to the mean” means? Yeah, I didn’t buy those scenes at all. Scott’s come a long way and I don’t actually think he’s dumb — I liked the whole subplot about him in AP Biology with the Mean Science Teacher, until you know, they kind of just dropped it — but even with that (and knowing that the “regression to the mean” stuff is a specific Scott callback), I still didn’t quite buy Scott delivering the exposition to Stiles. Liam, I would have bought. Stiles, not so much.
B. I’m very glad they quickly brought Mason into the fold.
Because Mason’s awesome, and also because seriously. Stiles pretty much took the words right out of my mouth when he’s like, yeah, kid already saw a Berserker blown up with a land mine; I think he’ll buy it when you tell him werewolves are real. This was nice because it was another one of my complaints last season, how poorly Scott and Stiles handled telling Liam about werewolves. It’s also nice because it shows that Stiles, while smart, learns absolutely NOTHING. He actually tells Liam, “It’s always better when they know,” (a sentiment Lydia, less hypocritically, echoes later in the season) but then refuses to tell anyone about killing Donovan. Oh, Stiles, sweetie. I love your trust issues, but sometimes they do you no favors at all.
C. This season is only ten episodes long instead of it’s usual twelve (although, in a way, it’s actually twenty because 5B will continue the same storyline) and, at first, I really liked that. Obviously, I always want as many Teen Wolf episodes as God and MTV will give me, but I’ve noticed that the first few episodes of the previous TW seasons have usually meandered around some, bringing up subplots that don’t really go anywhere before diving into the real plot. Likewise, as much as I enjoy the attractive Mr. Hale, I feel like Derek’s storylines haven’t really been meshing with the rest of the group’s all that well since 3A. I wasn’t looking to get rid of him entirely, but he felt more like he should be a regular guest star than main player, no matter how pretty he is or how well he can scowl.
With Derek MIA, though, and a shorter, streamlined season, Teen Wolf jumped right into the actual story, and I was really impressed with the pacing . . . up till about maybe 5×08, which is where I think things started getting a little shaky. Everything started feeling rushed to me, like everyone was hastily trying to set up season 5B, and that finale . . . look, I didn’t dislike anything that happened in it, exactly, even if it was a sad day for one of the most important relationships I didn’t mention before, A Boy and His Jeep . . .
. . . but I really felt like the show was trying to cram two episodes worth of material into a forty-five minute window, and it just didn’t work for me. I’m totally fine with the fact that we didn’t get many answers here (though I feel a much stronger conclusion would have ended on Theo resurrecting the chimeras than the weird Hellhound vs Whatever painting, like, that was less of an “oh my GOD” and more of a “. . . what?”) but the editing in “Status Asthmaticus” was so freaking choppy. Like, Theo was popping up everywhere, so quickly from one place to another that I was honestly like, “Uh, does Theo have a clone? Is there a clone twist happening here?”
And it wasn’t just him, either — one minute, Theo’s talking to Malia in her coyote den (which was a nice callback), and then suddenly she’s fighting this chimera dude at . . . the hospital, I guess? I had no idea where she was when we saw her again. The pacing of the whole episode felt seriously off, like we spent so much time on Werewolf Puppy Liam fighting Werewolf Daddy Scott that it didn’t seem like the show had enough time for everyone else. And for all the time they spent on the Big Werewolf Family Battle, that really wasn’t one of my favorite fight scenes. I definitely preferred Lydia vs the Orderlies, Kira versus Tracy, Malia versus Tracy, and Kira versus Noshiko.
D. On the upside, Braeden’s back! Yay! (I really expected Derek to come back too — I was so sure that’s who Stiles was calling in the finale when Theo drove up. Technically, I suppose, that could still be right — but in the most recent interview I’ve read, Jeff Davis wasn’t sure if Hoechlin was coming back in 5B or not. So many fangirls are weeping right now.)
E. Unfortunately, Scott’s asthma was also back this season. Conceptually, I have no problem with that. In execution, oh my GOD, there is so much AsthmaFail! this season. Like, Scott’s having an asthma attack worthy of a 911 call, but one puff of his inhaler and he’s instantly better? NO. That’s not how your lungs work. Not to mention . . . you’d think maybe Scott might be able to, like, smell or taste the wolfsbane in his inhaler? I’m willing to ignore this purely because I called early on that the inhaler was poisoned, but still. There’s not a lot of logical sense going on here. (Though this is nothing new when it comes to wolfsbane poisoning on this show, I suppose.)
Also, did Liam get that non-poisonous inhaler from someone else on the lacrosse field and run it over himself, or did he just happen to be carrying an extra one around for Scott? Cause I thought it was kind of adorable when overprotective Stiles did that in first season, back when the asthma hadn’t been gone that long and the werewolf powers were still pretty new, but Werewolf Puppy carrying one in his back pocket five seasons later seems a little ridiculous.
F. Also kind of ridiculous? Sinema. Don’t get me wrong — I want to go to Sinema, like, now. It looks like an awesome place. But overlooking the fact that this is an incredibly swanky bisexual nightclub in what’s supposed to be a pretty small city (that, mind you, already has a gay nightclub called Jungle), there are wildly underage kids both drinking at and working at this place. Hayden’s supposed to be what, fifteen? Sixteen? And she’s openly serving alcohol to pretty much anyone who walks in? Is the police force in Beacon Hills that incompetent?
Sheriff Stilinski, man, you know I love you, but maybe let your kids handle the dead chimeras and just focus on the insane amount of public underage drinking that goes on in this town?
G. On the upside, Theo gets PUNCHED BY FIRE and Stiles gets splattered with an unlikely amount of Theo’s blood.
H. The infamous Fire Punch takes place in 5×07, otherwise known as “Strange Frequencies,” otherwise known as the Episode of Bloody Impalement. If 5×03 is for girl power and 5×05 is for Carlie’s personal wish fulfillment, 5×07 is for pure, unadulterated gore. I mean, it ends up all being hallucinations, but still: Parrish unwillingly makes out with Super Burnt Lydia, Kira stabs Scott through the chest, Malia gets pinned down with bear traps before being stabbed through the throat, and poor Lydia gets her whole tongue ripped out.
I’ll admit: it was kind of awesome.
I. I briefly mentioned this before, but I just have to reiterate that I loved all of Lydia’s, Scott’s, and Stiles’s reading-induced flashbacks. Baby Stiles being attacked by his dead mother pretty much wins the Angst Trophy of the season.
J. Less awesome but still hysterical (and surprisingly in character): Scott continues to ninja roll for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
True Alphas. Such showoffs.
K. Finally, I just wanted to say that the moment where Scott writes Allison’s initials on the shelf during Senior Scribe was actually quite sweet.
Partially because it was just nice for our heroes to take a moment and remember a character who was so important to them (well, some of them) and us, but also because there’s absolutely zero jealousy on Kira’s part, like we don’t get a shot of her looking angrily away, all, “Oh my God, Scott’s still in love with her!” Because that would have been bullshit and would’ve made me hate her.
If Teen Wolf was Arrow, that moment would totally have happened.
QUOTES:
Stiles: “I have a vision, dude, okay, and it is a beautiful vision. Don’t ruin the vision.”
Scott: “Think back to the last six months. Things have been good, right, but not amazing.”
Stiles: “Yeah, but no one’s tried to kill us in the last six months, either.”
Scott: “It’s not that we don’t trust you.”
Stiles: “It’s that I don’t trust you.”
Melissa (yelling upstairs): “Scott, I’m home, but I have to rush out again! The hospital has called everybody back in, so dinner’s in the fridge! . . There’s nothing in the fridge! So I’m going to leave you money to order in! . . . I don’t have any money! Get something and I’ll pay you back? . . . You’re not even here, are you?”
Liam: “Okay, I’m still having trouble.”
Scott: “No. You’re still learning.”
Stiles: “Malia, if you were going away and I told you, ‘Don’t worry, go have fun,’ what would you think I was talking about?”
Malia: “Fun like bowling or like sex with other guys?”
Kira: “Dad, please don’t turn a three hour traffic jam into an educational experience.”
Malia: “What’s wrong with you? You smell terrible.”
Stiles: “Yeah, it’s called anxiety. Should be a pretty familiar scent for you by now, seeing as how it’s a constant state for me.”
Stiles: “So I started thinking about things like I always do — ”
Malia: “Obsessively — ”
Stiles: “Yeah.”
Malia: “I thought that was the plan, the dream.”
Stiles: “The vision, and don’t mock the vision.”
Malia: “I like the vision. Especially if I’m part of it.”
Tracy (holding up a feather she just coughed out): “Is this common?”
Stiles: “Dad, this kid is a werewolf.”
Sheriff: “Your best friend is a werewolf. You are dating a werecoyote. I still don’t know what Kira is supposed to be. When the flying monkeys come soaring through this station, you will have my undivided attention. Until then, just go to school.”
Malia: “I don’t know, Stiles. I mean, I see why you’re worried. He’s really hot. He’s got, like, great hair, perfect body. You should definitely feel threatened.”
Stiles: “Thank you cause I do. Now more than ever.”
Malia: “You want me to torture him?”
Stiles: “No, I don’t want you to torture him.”
Malia: “I’m pretty sure I can take him.”
Kira: “How did you get his transfer form?”
Scott: “Did you break into the Administration Office?”
Stiles: “No, I did not break into the Administration Office . . . okay, I might have broken into the Administration Office; can we just focus on the signatures, please?”
Liam: “It’s not that easy. It’s a lot to accept.”
Stiles: “He watched my dad blow up a Berserker with a land mine? I think the groundwork’s been pretty thoroughly laid for acceptance.”
Theo: “You want me to give you a DNA sample or something?”
Stiles: “No, I don’t have anything from the fourth grade to match it to.”
Liam: “I fell in a hole!”
Stiles: “Yes, okay, we followed him out here. What do you want me to say, that I’m a stalker, huh, that I’m crazy, totally paranoid? None of this is new information.”
Scott: “Now are you going to at least try and give him the benefit of the doubt?”
Stiles: “I give people the benefit of the doubt. I’ve given a lot of benefit to a lot of people.”
Scott: “Like Derek? Kira? Liam?”
Stiles: “I was right about Peter. (calling to Liam) Try it again! (back to Scott) You know, I bet you still think there’s something about him that can be saved.”
Scott: “Maybe.”
Stiles: (to Liam) “Try it again!”
Scott: “Why can’t you trust anyone?”
Stiles: “Cause you trust everyone!”
Liam: “I’m going to tell you why. Actually, I’m going to tell you a lot of things, a lot of hard-to-believe things, really hard to believe.”
Mason: “There’s a wolf.”
Liam: “Yeah, I’m getting to that.”
Mason: “No, there’s a wolf right behind you.”
Liam: “. . . that’s a wolf.”
Sheriff: “Accusations require proof, and proof always trumps instinct.”
Scott: “I think you look great.”
Sheriff: “Well, thank you, son I should have had.”
Stiles: “Wow, that was awesome. That was awesome; that was great. Can we do one more, give us another one, like Christopher Walken this time? You know what, it’s fine, you’ll have plenty of time to work on it when you’re in a tiny little cell, you know, just stuck there. Forever.”
Kira: “Good, good. There you go.”
Malia: “Please shut up.”
Kira: “No problem. Shutting up.”
Lydia: “We are now off the road. This is not the road.”
Malia: “What is that; what is beeping?”
Lydia: “The car’s telling you not to run into the tree.”
Kira: “Okay, sure. This is called a U-turn.”
Malia: “You said turn the wheel.”
Malia: “I meant a shot to kill her.”
Deaton: “I generally prescribe to a code of ethics that frowns on such measures.”
Kira: “Okay, so, what are we looking for?”
Lydia: “I’m not sure. I mostly just following a feeling.”
Kira: “Your feelings usually lead to dead bodies.”
Lydia: “Well, let me know if you find one.”
Liam: “I’m his flight attendant.”
Melissa: “I know that I can’t be the mom who says I don’t want you to do anything about this — cause you’re always gonna be involved, cause not only do you have the power to do something, you care enough to do it.”
Parrish: “I know a little jiu jitsu.”
Lydia: “You don’t have to come. Malia’s not going, either.”
Stiles: “Well, Malia’s not going because she knows that that place is a nightmare asylum of insanity and death, okay?”
Stiles: “Okay, I’m not letting you go to a place where one of the orderlies almost killed you.”
Lydia: “He almost killed you too!”
Stiles: “And we’re both still alive! See, teamwork.”
Scott: “When the other chimera, Lucas, when he came after us . . . I heard Kira say something in Japanese.”
Stiles: “Doesn’t sound too bad.”
Scott: “She doesn’t know any Japanese.”
Stiles: “Still not terrible.”
Stiles: “Maybe she had no choice. There’s got to be a point where self-defense is justified. Tracy killed her own father. And Lucas would have killed you.”
Scott: “They’re not the bad guys. They’re the victims. We shouldn’t be killing the people we’re trying to save.”
Theo: “Haven’t I seen you coming out of Driver’s Ed?”
Malia: “I hope not.”
Theo: “I’m pretty sure I saw you destroy a couple of traffic cones the other day. And nearly take out a sophomore.”
Malia: “The sophomore shouldn’t have been standing there.”
Scott: “They’ll be okay without us. Those two, they’re pretty good together.”
Kira: “Yeah. They are.”
Scott: “No super-strength or samurai swords, but they stay alive.”
Kira: “He still likes her, doesn’t he?”
Scott: “Yeah. Yeah, but it’s different now. I mean, you should have seen the way he used to be around her.”
Kira: “Was it bad?”
Scott: “It was kind of obsessive. But not all bad.”
Lydia: “My mom’s book club usually has more wine.”
Stiles: “Well, they probably also don’t read books that causes violent hallucinations.”
Scott: “That’s why Malia’s here.”
Kira: “So none of us go running into traffic.”
Scott: “Or worse.”
Malia: “Like what happened to Judy.” (everyone looks at her) “Chapter 14.”
Mason: “Okay, this is going to sound weird, but do you speak Japanese?”
Kira: “No. I’m also half-Korean, and I don’t speak Korean. And I’m pushing a ‘C’ average in English.”
Mason: “Okay, well, I’ve been doing some reading on kitsunes — ”
Kira: “How come?”
Mason: “Well, cause I met one?”
Theo: “It’s your choice. I’m not going to ask you to lie to your dad.”
Stiles: “Don’t worry, I’ve had plenty of practice.”
Liam: “She said she heard a voice saying ‘Your condition improves’.”
Stiles: “Okay, that’s unsettling.”
Kira: “Mom, this is not what I would call quality mother-daughter time.”
Theo: “Did you forget you’re supposed to be keeping me in the loop on everything?”
Dread Doctor: “Inconsequential.”
Theo: “So, what happens now?”
Stiles: “We wait.”
Theo: “You wanna take shifts watching?”
Stiles: “Oh no, I want to spend some quality time with you.”
Melissa: “You’re not asking me to hand over medical files without a court order, are you?”
Sheriff: “I would never ask you to do that.”
Melissa: “Good. Because they may take away this key card which allows me access to medical records. Do you wanna see how the key card works?”
Sheriff: “I would love to see how the key card works.”
Malia: “We’re betting our lives on these?”
Lydia: “I think we’re betting Hayden’s life on them.”
Theo: “You’re still wondering why I haven’t said anything to Scott?”
Stiles: “Maybe.”
Theo: “You think I’ve got some kind of ulterior motive?”
Stiles: “More than likely.”
Theo: “Would you believe me if I said all want, all I’ve ever wanted, is for you guys to trust me?”
Stiles: “Nope.”
Theo: “So you’re here because you’re never going to trust me?”
Stiles: “Yep. Glad we had this talk.”
Theo: “You know who you remind me of?”
Stiles: “Theo, I don’t care.”
Stiles: “Myth says if you ate human flesh, your punishment was to turn into a creature that constantly craved it.”
Theo: “That’s a pretty judgmental myth.”
Stiles: “Well, I didn’t make it up.”
Theo: “What if it was the only way to survive? I mean, did you ever of the Donner Party? I’m pretty sure they didn’t turn into wendigos.”
Stiles: “Well, they didn’t live in Beacon Hills.”
Theo: “It sounds like you guys need to look up justifiable homicide.”
Stiles: “Did you seriously just say that to the son of a cop?”
Theo: “Did you feel bad about it? Not now, I mean, right then, right when it happened. What were you thinking the moment you knew he was dead and there was no saving him?”
Stiles: “One word: good.”
Sheriff: “This is your story? This is what you’re going to go with?”
Noshiko: “Are you prepared to tell a different one?”
Sheriff: “This your official statement?”
Melissa: “Something wrong?”
Sheriff: “Part about finding the body in your kitchen works fine, but then it gets a little confusing when you describe the body as a monstrous chimera and then go on about werewolves, banshees, kanamas.”
Melissa: “You’re right. I forgot about the Dread Doctors.”
Sheriff: “No more bending the rules for anyone.”
Melissa: “Maybe you should learn to bend a little before someone breaks.”
Lydia: “It’s always better when they know.”
Stiles: “Well, then he should know he owes me a Jeep.”
Unit 7: “10-4, Dispatch. I’m southbound on Fryman and following suspicious individual loping in the middle of the road.”
Dispatch: “7, clarify loping?”
Officer: “Uh, running on all fours. Suspect is possibly a large animal.”
Unit 5: “Unit 5 to Dispatch, I’m turning the corner on Lincoln. Suspect is no longer loping but running.”
Dispatch: “10-4, Unit 5, clarify running?”
Stiles: “Cause you’re Scott McCall, the True Alpha! Guess what? All of us can’t be True Alphas! Some of us have to make mistakes! Some of us have to get our hands a little bloody sometimes! Some of us are human!”
Lydia: “You find bodies.”
Parish: “I find chimeras.”
Lydia: “Dead chimeras.”
Parish: “So we’re both harbingers of death? I should probably add that to my resume.”
Lydia: “It’s on my college applications.”
Malia: “It doesn’t matter to me. That’s why I never said anything.”
Stiles: “It matters to me.”
Theo: “I came for a pack. I came for the werecoyote, the one whose first instinct is to kill. I came for the banshee, the girl surrounded by death. I came for the dark kitsune, the beta with anger issues. I came for Void Stiles; that’s the pack I want. Unfortunately, it doesn’t include Scott. Your heartbeat’s rising, Stiles. It’s not because you’re afraid. The Nogitsune is gone, but you’ve still got more blood on your hands than any of us.”
Stiles: “I’m about to get more.”
Mason: “What are you doing?”
Melissa: “Bringing him back.”
Mason: “But his heart, he hasn’t had a pulse in over fifteen minutes. You can’t bring someone back that’s — ”
Melissa: “He’s not someone; he’s my son, and he’s an Alpha, and he’s too strong to die like this! Come on! Open your eyes. Look at me. Breathe, baby, breathe.”
Mason: “Melissa, it’s — ”
Melissa: “SHUT UP!”
Scott: “I lost, Mom.”
Melissa: “Every leader suffers loss. Sometimes more than you think is bearable.”
CONCLUSIONS:
5A seems to be pretty divided among fans (that’s pretty true of Teen Wolf fandom in general, though; there are those who adore the later seasons and those who pine back for Seasons Uno and Dos) but for the most part, I really enjoyed it. I’d say it was my favorite season after 3B. The seriously rushed conclusion was a bit of a snag for me, though, as was Liam and Hayden’s relationship drama. I get why Teen Wolf might want to build up the younger generation as the others inevitably age out — what I’m told is the Degrassi model of storytelling — but if Liam and Hayden are representative of the future of the show, man, I don’t know. I like Mason, at least, but I don’t know if he’s going to be enough for me to stick with it.
That’s all post Season Six worries, though. For now . . . man, can it be January yet?
MVP:
Dylan O’Brien
TENTATIVE GRADE:
A-
MORAL:
It’s better when they know, STILES.
Also, if you wanna commit a crime, for the love of God, go to Beacon Hills. You can confess to something, pretty much hand them a body, and they will still let you go if you can just get a buddy to steal that corpse for you.
Well, Key & Peele is now over, which means two things: one, the world is weeping, and two, it’s time for everyone on the internet to post lists of their favorite Key & Peele sketches. (Actually, that’s not true. The time to do that, apparently, was yesterday while leading up to the Big Finale, but I prefer to be fashionably late, cause, like. I was doing stuff yesterday.)
Anyway. Here are fifteen of my favorites, although full disclosure: they aren’t in any kind of order, and there’s a more than decent chance that I’ve forgotten some. Also, many (if not most) of these are uncensored, so beware. Profanity and hilarity follow.
1. Sexy Vampires
This is, hands down, easily one of my favorite skits. Admittedly, if I ever became a vampire, I’m probably use that as an excuse to buy myself some black leather pants that lace up on the sides, but still. Practicality is a virtue, and hissing is just annoying. Also, Brother Tyrell probably has my favorite reason for becoming a vampire ever.
2. Text Message Confusion
Because come on. We’ve all been there. Er. Haven’t we?
3. Family Matters
The funny thing is, I actually watched Family Matters when I was a kid, but I honestly don’t remember any of it, so watching this, I was like . . . wait, was there really a transformation machine?
It doesn’t matter. This gets dark and twisted SO FAST, I love it. And Tyler James Williams as Jaleel White? So fantastically funny and creepy. I definitely want to watch this kid in more stuff.
4. The Batmans
I like all of the sketches about the super excitable valets, of course, but this one’s probably my favorite. “See, how are you supposed to block a batarang from going in your butt with a carefully crafted query?”
On Key & Peele, they only ask the important questions.
5. Neil deGrasse Tyson
Man, I don’t even watch Cosmos — I know, I’m a terrible nerd (although, in my defense, I’m not really that kind of nerd) — and I thought these sketches were hysterical. If you didn’t see this episode itself, the clip above is basically like part three of a three-part joke, but really, I’m counting all of them. They’re in the same episode, so it’s not cheating.
6. Dad’s Hollywood Secret
It’s so painful and so awful and so funny, all at the same time.
7. Slow Brotion
Okay, this one’s just silly, but it makes me crack up every single time I watch it. It’s one of my “I’m in a bad mood and I want something happy, damn it” videos.
8. Power Falcons
Yeah, I’m just a sucker for Power Rangers nostalgia. Man, I loved that show when I was nine, that terrible, terrible show. Also: “That’s racist? Aw, see, forget it. Black Falcon out — GREEN Falcon! Green Falcon, DAMN IT!”
9. Alien Imposters
“Was he an alien too?”
“Yep.”
Heh.
10. Menstruation Orientation
Usually, a couple of guys making period jokes? Not my favorite thing in the world, and by that, I mean I usually want to punch those guys in their annoying male faces. (Nope, I already know all the jokes you want to make now, men. Please don’t comment with them. I promise you I’ve already heard it before.) But this, this works for me. There are definitely some men who should have to sit through orientations like this. Or, alternatively, they could just have a plague of locusts fly out of their dick.
11. East/West Bowl 3 – Pro Edition – Superbowl Special
Honestly, Key & Peele’s entire Superbowl Special was probably the best thing about the big game last year (especially every snippet we got with Queen Allison Janney). But here I’m just focusing on their East/West Bowl skit because of all of the various East/West Bowl skits on Key & Peele, this one has to be my favorite. I love that they threw actual football players into the mix this time around.
12. Civil War Re-Enactment
For the life of me, I cannot find an official version of this video — why, I don’t know, since it appears that every other Key & Peele sketch ever made is available through Comedy Central on Youtube. Anyway, I’m including this one here (until it inevitably gets taken down) because — as a Californian who is more than a little baffled at the constant glorification of the Confederacy — it is absolutely one of my favorites.
13. Aerobics Meltdown
Okay, I don’t even know how you come up with the idea to set a tale of attempted murder and vengeance to an 80’s jazzercise talent show, but obviously we need more ideas like it.
Okay, apparently I spoke too soon when I said that every Key & Peele sketch could be found on Youtube because I can’t even find a shitty bootleg copy of this one. So, if you want to see what happens when Kanye the Giant joins the D&D quest, go here. And you should because it’s pretty great.
15. Obama’s Anger Translator – Meet Luther
Finally, it was just too hard to pick between all the awesome Obama/Luther sketches, so I just said, “Fuck it,” and went with the original, although I came really close to picking this one introducing Michelle Obama’s anger translator instead. But honestly, every single one of these sketches is pretty awesome. Can you believe we had a speech where the actual President had Luther translating for him? Man, that was amazing.
Christ, I’m not looking forward to the 2016 election at all.
But anyway, that’s what I’ve got for you today. Any other Key & Peele fans out there? Lemme know what skits would have gone on your top-whatever list.
I really don’t know why I watch these things. I’m rarely a fan of anything that’s nominated, and most of the speeches either bore me or make me cry. Nothing that I would normally sign up for, and yet? I will probably be a sucker for awards shows for the rest of my life.
Here are the notes I have for you today.
1. Andy Samberg? Eh. He made me laugh a few times, mostly during that first song, but a lot of his jokes felt kind of flat to me. I wasn’t a huge fan, but he wasn’t, like, the worst host I’ve ever seen. Frankly, I’m still of the opinion that we could save ourselves a whole lot of time and awkwardness by just eliminating the opening monologue from every award show all together and having the host just crack a few jokes between awards.
This, of course, will never happen, but I will continue to dream for it.
2. My favorite joke of the night probably came from John Oliver and, admittedly, I’m a little in love with John Oliver. But his mini-rant about Alex Trebek cracked me up because it’s so true — Trebek does passive aggressively insult all of the contestants’ hobbies. I love Jeopardy, but it’s a pretty rare episode where I watch it and don’t tell my television screen, “Trebek, you’re an asshole.”
3. My favorite category in the Emmys is Variety, simply because I’m actually familiar with most of the nominees. When Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series was presented, I was like, “Holy shit, I actually watch ALL of these! I don’t even care who wins. Everyone’s a winner! I’m a winner!” (Though I was pulling for Last Week Tonight over The Daily Show when it came to Outstanding Variety Talk Series — but I wasn’t going to begrudge Jon Stewart for his last Emmy win, either. Oh, Stewart. How I miss you.)
On the other hand, Limited Series/Miniseries? Man. No skin in that game at all. I didn’t watch a single thing nominated in this category, and my only takeaway from last night was that Olive Kitteridge? Apparently the only thing you’ll ever need to watch again.
4. As far as some specific winners go . . .
A. Ecstatic that Inside Amy Schumer won for Best Variety Sketch Show.
B. I don’t watch Mad Men, I don’t care about Mad Men, and even I was like, “Jesus, let Jon Hamm finally win one.” So, that was nice. I feel like there might have been a revolt, otherwise.
C. As an SF nerd, I was definitely pulling for Tatiana Maslany because I enjoy Orphan Black and Maslany’s performance is just incredible — but man, Viola Davis’s speech was eloquent, powerful, and deeply moving. I didn’t realize she was the first black woman to win a Best Lead Actress Emmy until I went on Twitter afterwards. At first I was like, “No, that can’t be right. Oh God, that can’t be right, can it?” And then I was reminded that until Scandal premiered in 2012, there hadn’t been any TV shows with a black female lead since the 1970’s. And then I was like, “Right, so that’s depressing. Fellow white people, let’s progress faster.”
Though that doesn’t seem super likely, as I’ve just read Nancy Lee Grahn’s tweets on the subject. Ugh.
5. Finally, I lied before. I know exactly why I keep coming back to these things, and you probably do too.
My Best Dressed of the Night?
Allison Janney – I haven’t seen much splash about her dress online, but I thought Allison Janney looked exquisite. It’s a beautiful design and fits her body perfectly, and guys, Allison Janney is 55. I didn’t have a body that impressive, you know, ever.
Runners Up:
Taraji P. Henson – Man, she worked this dress. Taraji almost took first place for me, actually. I really liked the chain straps (much more than the ones on Claire Danes’s dress) and the cute little cut-out. She looked fantastic.
Tatiana Maslany – This is something I kind of knew about myself before, but really confirmed this year: I like me a woman in menswear. This white suit is awesome. I feel like the jacket could be a touch tighter, but otherwise, I mean, damn.
Laverne Cox – The cut-outs on the side didn’t do much for me, but this is a stunning shade of blue, and she looks absolutely amazing in it.
Jane Lynch – Again with the menswear. I thought this looked really nice on Jane Lynch. I would totally wear something like this. Only I’d add a fedora because that’s just who I am as a person.
Mindy Kaling – That’s not a shade of yellow/orange that just anyone can pull off, but it looks absolutely beautiful on Mindy Kaling. I kind of wish the sleeves didn’t change color at the end, but I do really like the cut of the sleeves, and the dress fits her perfectly.
Teyonah Parris – I’m unfamiliar with this actress, but I’m a sucker for polka dots and her dress was so much fun. I absolutely adored it.
And finally a bonus shout-out to Fred Armisen who did FREDDY KRUEGER on the Red Carpet. Fred Armisen is my new favorite person.
Now Worst Dressed of the Night . . . well, there’s really no question in my mind who that goes to.
Heidi Klum – I don’t even know what to make of this. It’s like half ice skater, half shredded chicken mascot? I cannot imagine any sane person putting this dress on and going, “Yup. This is the one. I feel SO PRETTY.”
Runners Up:
Jaimie Alexander – Maybe I could have dealt with this if it had been a short dress, like cut above the knee or something? As is . . . nope. I don’t like the material, the colors, or pretty much anything else about it.
Joanna Newsom – I don’t like the weird giant oval thing on her chest, but I could probably deal with it . . . if I hadn’t seen the bottom of the dress too. Together? Nope. So much nope.
Maggie Gyllenhaal – Presumably, this is a very expensive dress by some super well known designer, but what it really reminds me of is a prom dress you might have bought in the mall in the mid-1990’s. Not good.
Kerry Washington – I know, I know. She’s going to make everyone’s Best Dressed list, and she’s easily the best of the worst dressed here. But I’m just really not a fan of that type of shoulder, and I actively can’t stand the bottom of the dress.
Tracee Ellis Ross – Yeah, that dress mostly reminds me of a tiered, pink wedding cake.
And finally Jane Krakowski – I don’t quite understand why people want to put a black sleep mask over their boobs, but it’s the gray sides that I especially don’t like. The skirt of the dress is fine, but I just don’t understand the top part at all.
Well, that’s it for this year. Feel free to comment with your own award winner dreams or fashion critiques.
It’s that time of year again: Fall TV has begun. Normally, this is a pretty exciting time for me, but I’ve got to be honest: the shows I’m most looking forward to (Agent Carter, Person of Interest, Lucifer, Daredevil) all begin mid-season, like, January at the earliest. (And in Daredevil’s case, possibly much later.) Even the fall shows I’m most excited about (The Librarians, Jessica Jones, Elementary) don’t start till November. Still, I did watch a fair number of shows these past two weeks, some new, some returning, and some I thought I’d given up for good.
Here’s what I have for you so far — but fair warning: there are lots of SPOILERS here. If you haven’t watched the episode in question, you know. Go do that first.
Last season of Agents of SHIELD had some balance problems for me, mostly in the second half, and I remain fully annoyed by the turn in May’s character, which I never even remotely bought. “Laws of Nature,” though, was a great way to start the third season. I was invested in all of it — the rise of the Inhumans, the pitiful plight of Joey Gutierrez, Coulson adjusting to his new lack-of-hand, Coulson vs Rosalind on the train, Hunter’s commentary on basically anything, this new WTF Porcupine Big Bad, Fitz’s desperation to find Jemma, etc. Man, that scene at the end with Fitz screaming at the monolith? So, SO good. It still amuses me that my least favorite character in the beginning of this show has easily become my favorite now.
Other random thoughts:
A. I will inevitably slip up and call Daisy “Skye” at least once, but I will try not to do this.
B. I kind of forgot all about May — who I normally love — until the very end of the episode, when Coulson pointed out that she was MIA. Whoops. When she returns, I would really like to immediately move past that whole BS “betrayed by Coulson” thing and just get back to them being awesome. Also, I hear Blair Underwood’s coming back, which is great. You know who should also come back? Tsai Chin. She was only in this show for, like, four seconds, and she was spectacular.
C. I’m deeply glad that Bobbi and Hunter aren’t seriously on the outs already. Also, I couldn’t help but laugh at the throwaway line about Bobbi’s apparent biology degree that no one’s ever mentioned before. She comes in wearing that white lab coat, and I’m like, “Uh, sure?” (Yes, fellow nerds, I have since discovered that this is IC with the comics, but considering they’ve never brought it up even once on the show, it felt kind of hilariously OOC to me.)
D. So, that’s where Jemma went. Man. Ominous alien monoliths never take you anywhere fun anymore.
E. Finally, the WTF Porcupine Big Bad? I’m looking at it, thinking to myself, “Okay, what the shit is that?” But also thinking, “You know, that silhouette looks really familiar to me.” It took me about an hour to remember the monster guys from The Village. Heh.
FAVORITE PART:
Easy: Fitz taking a shotgun, blasting his way into the monolith, and screaming at it to do something. Seriously, so, SO GOOD.
So, this was funny. I don’t know how much I have to say about it, really. Like most Americans, I knew very little about Trevor Noah before this, but he made me laugh pretty consistently here and I’m looking forward to watching more of the show. Whole thing seemed pretty solid.
FAVORITE PART:
Hm, hard to say. I enjoyed all of these:
“And it’s weird because Dad has left. And now it feels like the family has a new stepdad. And he’s black.”
“Nooo. Why leave now, I just got here?”
“And to you, the Daily Show viewer, both new and old, at home or on your phone, thank you for joining us as we continue the War on Bullshit.”
I gave up Gotham sometime last year when I just couldn’t take its downward spiral anymore. I hadn’t planned to go back, but skimming through the recaps on io9 changed my mind because it really sounded like Gotham had decided to ditch their poor attempts at Serious Batman Show and fully embrace their balls-to-the-wall crazy. And I figured, Well, that could be entertaining, at least.
People. I was not wrong.
I giggled like a fiend while watching this, and not only that, I was giggling mostly when the show wanted me to. Like, at least 85% of the time. Barbara’s black-and-white striped Arkham Asylum dress? It is one of the best things I’ve ever seen. I kind of want to cosplay as Barbara Gordon now — and I named this woman as the Worst Female Character on Television last year. Possibly ever. Now that she’s evil, though? Fantastic.
I’ll admit, the whole story where Gordon loses his job and goes to Penguin to get it back? Eh, it didn’t do much for me, considering I thought Gordon already learned this lesson last year. On the other hand, the fact that Bruce is the one who talked him into compromising his morals for the greater good is sort of interesting — in a weird way — and holy shit, I did not expect Gordon to kill the dude. For someone to die, sure. But I didn’t actually think Gordon would do the deed himself, even in a kinda-sorta-self-defense way. This is, however, the rare instance where I’m actually hoping they won’t dwell too much on the emotional ramifications of this. I know that’s bad, but my favorite flavor of Jim Gordon — at least, as acted by Ben McKenzie — is cranky as hell, not super broody. It’s not that I don’t buy McKenzie’s broody, necessarily; I’m just not interested. Personally, I loved the scene where he took down Sword Wielding Crazy and brought him to the police station. I want more of that from Gordon.
Mostly, though, this episode cracked me up. I mean, pretty much everything about Bruce and Alfred blowing up Thomas Wayne’s Secret Door was great. For instance:
The level of pure condescension in Bruce’s voice when he argues that he too knows how to make a bomb because he “read a book.”
“Don’t you start talking French to me.”
“I’m building a bomb to blow that door down. You may assist me or not, as you wish, but if not, some tea would be nice.”
How happy Bruce and Alfred are when they successfully blow shit up.
Bruce apparently not thinking to try his own name as a combination on his father’s secret door. Oh, Little Bruce. You still have so much to learn about the human heart and, also, cliches.
Also on the Side of Awesome: James Frain (who, sadly, is not British here), an a cappella farewell to Commissioner Loeb, Bullock telling Gordon to slow down his drinking literally as he pours him another drink, “two A’s,” and Riddler’s split personality saying, “Dude. It’s a mirror. That’s how they work.” (Although I’m not quite sold on Riddler having a split personality yet. We’ll see.)
If the show can keep up this level of crazy . . . yeah, I could potentially get back into this.
I kind of miss being hooked on a juicy night soap, especially one that’s a mystery, even though I don’t think I’ve ever made it through a whole series without inevitably giving up on it. (See: Scandal, Desperate Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy, The Vampire Diaries, etc.) I’ve been considering checking out How to Get Away With Murder, especially now that the first season is on Netflix, but in the meantime I decided to try out Quantico.
I sincerely doubt that I’m going to stick with Quantico until the bitter end, but as pilots go, this actually wasn’t a terrible one. There are some neat things, some annoying things, and some ridiculously silly things. I figure I’ll keep going with it until I hate virtually every character. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen in Season One, but will see. Likable characters wasn’t one of this pilot’s strong suits.
The Neat:
An Indian protagonist
Aunjanue Ellis, who I just adored on The Mentalist.
Josh Hopkins, who I adored on Cougar Town. (Though, sadly, he looks to be more annoying here, and I assume there will be significantly less guitar playing.)
The revelation that Ryan Booth is spying on Alex. (Because thank Christ – I rolled my eyes HARD when they just happened to be on a plane together.)
Alex liking casual sex, and not caring if anyone knows that she and Booth hooked up.
“Paradise Circus” by Massive Attack. I love that damn song.
Elder Eric killing himself, mostly because I called that shit from the second we saw him. Possibly that’s not fair because I did know he was a main player on Sense8. Still, who knows when that show’s even coming back? Hell with it. I TOTALLY called it.
The Annoying:
At this point, the only characters I actively like are Alex and Miranda Shaw. Nimah and her secret twin sister are okay, I guess. On the other hand, I’m not loving Booth or Ryan, and I already seriously dislike Shelby, Simon, and King Douchebag Caleb.
Of course King Douchebag Caleb appears to be out, but I didn’t buy that even before I looked him up on IMDb. (I wanted to see where I knew him from. The answer: Revolution. Oh no.)
For Christ’s sake. How hard is it to write a virgin character who’s not the most pathetic nerd in all of existence? I am tired of this.
The Ridiculously Silly:
Nimah’s twin sister. I actually called that, too, but I’ll admit — I was kind of hoping I’d be wrong. Even for a silly show that’s obviously going to have a lot of ludicrous twists . . . I don’t know, man. I worry.
I’m confused. Do any of these people have any kind of law enforcement experience in their pasts? Doesn’t that seem like a thing people would have before joining the FBI?
Pretty much everything about the dorms.
Sexy FBI swimming, apparently, is in our future.
Finally, everyone’s obviously taking bets on who the traitor is. I wonder if there might be two of them. Honestly, I don’t really trust anyone at this point, although I guess I’d be pretty surprised if it was Nimah or her twin. (Maybe one, but surely not both.) At the moment, I’m looking the closest at the blonde who lost her parents on 9/11, and — as much as I hope this isn’t the case — Aunjanue Ellis. Pathetic and Deeply Annoying Gay Virgin could be evil, but if that’s the case, he’ll either get a) even shrieker and more annoying, or b) far more intimidating before revealing he isn’t gay OR a virgin, especially that last one. Cause, you know. Heaven forbid.
FAVORITE MOMENT:
Honestly, I laughed pretty hard at Eric saying, “I’m assuming none of that applies to you?” Good zinger, Mormon dude. Too bad that guy’s dead now.
So, this was . . . okay. I’ll probably continue watching it for now, though I’m not exactly in love with it yet. I am in love with Jamie Lee Curtis, though. Holy shit, she’s AMAZING. I’m tempted to say this is my favorite thing I’ve ever seen her in, and this was just a two-hour pilot. She was hysterical, and I can’t wait to see more of her.
On the other hand, while some of the jokes made me laugh, a lot of the humor felt forced. One of my problems with Ryan Murphy shows in general is that the jokes often feel like they’re trying way, WAY too hard for edgy. Sometimes, they worked for me. Often, they did not, like I’m thinking maybe a 30/70 success rate here, so. Not all that successful.
My other main problem with the show is that I’m not sure it knows what kind of comedy it wants to be. Some of it feels like it’s going for more of a Scream or You’re Next vibe, while other parts — like Ariana Grande going to Twitter while the serial killer is currently trying to murder her — feel like they could have been deleted scenes from broad parodies such as Scary Movie. And there’s nothing wrong with either kinds of comedy, but they don’t blend that well. The first kind is trying to be funny and scary; the second, not so much. You’re Next would never have been frightening if Erin had turned to the First to Die and shrieked, “Oh my GOD, why do you have an arrow in your head?!”
A few last notes:
A. The main girl, Grace (Skyler Samuels), is surprisingly okay so far. I’m kind of into the idea of her staying at the sorority as this, like, investigative reporter type, bent on making the kind of sorority she dreamed about. She’s a little funnier than I expected her to be, especially in some of the scenes with her new stalker boyfriend (Diego Boneta). I seriously hope stalker boyfriend bites it, though.
B. Zayday (Keke Palmer) is easily my second favorite character. I want her to live, even though the BS rules of the genre are very much against her.
C. I feel that I’ve somehow managed to grow an irrational dislike towards Emma Roberts. I’m trying to work on that because I honestly don’t know where it’s come from. I’ve found her work in the past somewhere between disappointing and adequate, but this feels like an overreaction to two meh performances. Still, she’s just okay to me here. It’s not that I don’t buy her in the role; I do. But there’s a way to do Queen B’s, like you’re kind of rooting for them despite yourself? (Leah Pipes in Sorority Row is a great example of this.) And I just feel like Emma Roberts isn’t quite there for me yet, like I buy her as this awful character, but that just makes me wish I spent less time with her. I am definitely not rooting for her. (On the other hand, I’m totally rooting for Asshole Popular Guy, Chad {Glen Powell}. He’s actually kind of hilarious.)
D. Lea Michelle did not annoy me nearly as much as I thought she would. Considerably less enamored, though, with the Deaf Taylor Swift (now deceased) and the Candle Vlogger (unfortunately still here).
E. Finally, I thought Nick Jonas looked familiar, but I was probably wrong because I don’t know that I’ve ever actually seen Nick Jonas before this. I cringed at some moments with his character but other parts did make me laugh, and I liked the twist that he was still alive, although obviously we’ll have to wait to see how that unfolds.
FAVORITE PART:
Basically any time Jamie Lee Curtis was on screen.
Meh. You’d think Red and Keen being on the run together would be a little more exciting, but honestly, I kept finding my attention drifting during this premiere. The only storyline that really interested me at all was Dembe’s, partially because I like Dembe, and partially because I was interested in this new baby-snatching villain, Darwin. (Okay, the guy’s name isn’t Darwin. I didn’t actually catch his name, but he’s played by Edi Gathegi, the actor who played Darwin in X-Men: First Class.)
Otherwise, eh. Keen running to the Russian Embassy at the end was kind of an interesting twist — and vastly more interesting than, say, running to Tom or turning herself in — but mostly I found her pretty boring in this ep. (And of course she looks just like her mother. Of course she does.) Meanwhile, I wasn’t remotely interested in Ressler’s angst/guilt/anger/whatever either, which saddens me, since I used to enjoy that kind of thing. And no one was in a car accident or kidnapped at all. Samar was in mortal peril for a second there, but no abductions or SUV flips.
I’m going to stick with it, for a while, but even taking Keen’s fantastic fugitive hair into consideration — I have the sinking feeling that this is the year I give up on The Blacklist.
FAVORITE PART:
When the adorable baby is adorably touching the face of a dude who’s calmly insinuating baby-murder. It’s so cute and so evil, all at the same time!
Okay, so, this is kind of late because I was busy last week. Also, I only just managed to watch the season premiere of The Walking Dead last Saturday, so, whatever. I’m sorry, okay? I have failed this blog, and this city.
Unfortunately, my failure means that some of my comments (like on Arrow) have already been proven wrong. I said to hell with it and posted them anyway. Please keep in mind the usual warning for SPOILERS.
All in all, this was a pretty solid premiere. I can’t pretend I’m terribly interested in Liv’s family storyline, like, at all, but everything else was great. Blaine as a funeral director, I mean, oh my GOD. He’s so good. Everything about Blaine is awesome. And Liv as a super cranky and racist old man was surprisingly hilarious. I thought that gag would give out early, but Rose McIver just nails it. I’m really glad they managed to get a lead actress with such strong comedic range for this show.
Major’s story, meanwhile, is interesting. I never quite know where they’re going with Major, which is exciting in and of itself. I don’t know if I want this Blackmail Zombie Hunting to be an all-season thing, but I’m curious enough for now. Also, I was happy to see that my immediate suspicions about the supposedly boring IRS roommate were correct, as well as the fact that talking zombie shop on a cell phone might be a bad idea.
I’m curious to see where Peyton has run off to — surely, she’s coming back at some point? — and I really want Ravi to have a little more to do this season because I just love that man, but overall, iZombie looks pretty good so far. (Although, seriously. Would it kill Liv to just tell Clive that she’s always acting so weird as a side effect of her psychic visions? It’s not actually that big of a stretch and might cut down a bit on all the understandable side-eye.)
FAVORITE PART:
Hard to say. Everything about Blaine is pretty awesome. Maybe just that whole scene. Especially Liv’s line: “Are you eating that or impregnating it?”
This is the thing: my interest in The Walking Dead has dropped considerably lately. And it’s not because the show’s gotten worse; actually, I generally enjoyed the last season overall. But there’s a limit to how long I can watch a show like this, I think, without everything just feeling a little repetitive. We’re going into our sixth season now, and if things went my way, we’d be ending the show this year.
Unfortunately, someone recently pointed me in the direction of this entirely depressing article where the creators talked about how they had plans for the series going up to twelve seasons, and once I read that, my excitement for the season premiere fell flat. But I made myself watch it anyway, and to be fair, “First Time Again” is a pretty decent episode. The ending was a great “Oh shit” moment and also a great setup for the season. I can’t help but wonder if the writers came up with this whole plot after hearing criticism about how Alexandria and its total noob residents hadn’t all been overrun and killed before Rick’s people showed up.
The thing about The Walking Dead is that so much of it’s about Rick’s questionable morality, and my interest in that is pretty minimal. Right now, I’m okay with it, mostly because I’m assuming he’s going to turn Chief Antagonist by the end of the season, or at least should. But I’m not really excited about the idea of Rick returning to Idealistic Rick again. Ideally, I think we should have a big civil war in Alexandria at some point, preferably this year . . . and then maybe we could finally kill off Rick. (I swear, I don’t hate the guy, but I’m just kind of over his moral dilemmas at this point. I could probably go at least eight seasons of The Walking Dead if we focused primarily on Daryl, Carol, and Glenn instead.)
A few last minute random things:
A. I might feel like Rick is going the route of Evil, but the moment he killed Ethan Embry? Yeah, that didn’t seem particularly disturbing to me, like, I didn’t quite take it as the sign of Dark Rick that Morgan and Michonne apparently thought it was. I mean, you can’t really amputate a cheek. (Also, Ethan Embry didn’t last very long, did he? Poor man.)
B. Morgan totally sees through Carol’s happy homemaker act. Heh.
C. I didn’t much care for Jessie last season, but I really liked the moment here where she tells Rick that he can’t put his hands on her son or expect him to listen to the dude who killed his dad. You know, stuff that really shouldn’t need to be said? Good on you, Jessie, for having a brain and possible character development.
D. The black-and-white flashbacks didn’t do much for me. I mean, the shots themselves looked great, but . . . we’re sixth season here? At this point, a sudden switch to black-and-white just feels a completely unnecessary gimmick. (Although, with all those bandages on Rick’s face, I couldn’t help wonder if we were doing a Sin City homage.)
E. I’m interested in Heath for purely superficial reasons. I’m not ashamed of this at all.
FAVORITE MOMENT:
Hm. The mystery of Morgan’s disappearing peanut butter protein bar, perhaps?
Last season of Arrow was . . . challenging. Very challenging, and not the good kind of challenging, either, but the kind that turned your favorite character into the absolute worst character and made you want to tear your hair out in frustration. But “Green Arrow” was a pretty solid start to Season Four.
I really enjoy Oliver and Felicity being a happy couple and would like them to remain that way for sometime. Preferably, they won’t have any actual fights until Season 5, but they’re absolutely not allowed to have any (or, obviously, break up) before 2016. This isn’t even coming from an Oliver/Felicity shipping standpoint, either — it’s about keeping the show moving in interesting ways. Oliver/Felicity angst has been done to death, not to mention turned Felicity just awful last season. I don’t want another storyline about how Oliver can’t be with a woman if he’s still a vigilante. This episode looks like we’re moving on from that, and I would very much like that to be the case.
Diggle’s still whining and he’s got a stupid helmet, but I didn’t think it looked as terrible in motion as it did in the promo shots, at least. Thea suffering side effects from the Lazarus Pit could be awesome, as long as she sticks to super violent and cheerful instead of occasionally violent and petulant. (Also, I think she needs a voice changer too. Her voice at the train station sounded . . . I don’t know, weird.) Lance’s possible turn to the Dark Side is kind of interesting, depending on how they play it. (I’m really hoping this is how Sara gets brought back to life and that it has nothing to do with protecting Laurel or some bullshit.)
Also — and this isn’t really related to much — but when are people going to realize that putting engagement rings inside food is a terrible idea? You know Felicity would just accidentally swallow it. I certainly would. Probably for the best, she didn’t get to eat that soufflé.
Finally, the big question: whose name is on the tombstone? I was pretty excited about this — I just assumed the camera would spin to reveal Felicity’s name, and the whole season would be about how she supposedly died before coming back. (I did automatically assume it was a fake-out, which apparently it’s not . . . but I’ve heard that before.) Anyway, making “Who Died?” the big mystery of the season is a really fun way to start the TV year, but my enthusiasm just decreased by, like, a thousand because apparently the producers don’t necessarily know who’s going to die.
And that? That is a terrible way to begin a season, or a mystery. That does not give me a lot of confidence about how this is all going to shake out.
FAVORITE PART:
Probably when Felicity admitted how bored she was in their giant house in the suburbs and how much she missed crime fighting. It’s good to have you back, Felicity! (Oliver’s reaction to the friendly neighbors bringing up kids was pretty great too. I really enjoyed both of them in this episode.)
Oh, also, that no one wants to be the mayor. Good call, Walter Steele. I miss you and your amazing voice, but I don’t want you to come back just to die, either.
So, this was okay, though nothing particularly exciting. Barry’s decision to Go It Alone happens a lot, a lot, in superhero shows — which doesn’t mean you can’t do your own version, of course, but this was a pretty generic way to go about it, and with not very much heart, either. It doesn’t help that I don’t believe Ronnie’s really dead, either, like, not for a second, mostly because it’s such an amazingly lame character exit. Usually when you kill off a semi-important character, you know, you devote more than four seconds to the scene. Although that would hardly be the most questionable character exit in this episode, but we’ll get back to that in a second.
The best part about Barry’s totally by-the-numbers crisis is how Iris is like, “Dude, we care about you, but we also care about protecting the city and you don’t get to keep shutting us out.” That was pretty awesome. Let’s keep this upward trend for Iris West, please. (I also liked the flashback with Joe and Barry, less because it was truly necessary and more because Jesse L. Martin is awesome and his reaction face when Little Barry suddenly hugs him is fantastic.)
I was also pleased with Cisco’s brief vision of an alternate timeline. There wasn’t much to it, but I’m really into this storyline and can’t wait to watch as it unfolds.
But guys. GUYS. That bullshit with Henry Allen at the end — I mean what the shit was that? Hands down, I think that was one of the most unrealistic things I’ve seen on television ever, and yeah, I know I’m talking about a show where a guy traveled back in time AND stopped a singularity by running super fast. Sure, I get the supposed concept behind it — you can’t be the hero you need to be if I stick around, blah blah — but even if I completely bought that (which I don’t), no one, I mean, NO ONE makes that decision ONE DAY after a 15-year stint in prison. That is just not a decision a person makes. That is only a decision a character makes, and it drives me absolutely bonkers. Did John Wesley Shipp really hate working on the show or something? Could they not have found any less ludicrous reason to get rid of him?
Honestly, I would’ve taken, “You know, son, I’ve been stuck in a tiny gray cell for half of my adult life, and there are things I need to do now. Like Vegas. I definitely need to go to Vegas” over this. I still don’t know if I would have quite bought it, but I’d sure take “Central City Claustrophobia/Want to See The World” over “I’m Going to Leave You, My Only Son, Because You Can’t Be A Hero Without Me, Even Though We Haven’t Even Taken, Like, a WEEK To Test That Asinine Theory, And May I Just Remind Everyone I’ve Been in Jail And Have Barely Been Allowed to Hug You For the Past 15 YEARS.”
I know this is a small scene to get hung up on, but I almost knocked The Flash down a whole letter grade for it. Because it shouldn’t have been a small scene — Henry Allen getting out of prison and leaving Central City is HUGE — and it’s been a while since I so completely didn’t buy a character’s gigantic life choice. I mean, what is this, Arrow?
FAVORITE MOMENT:
Cisco’s quick flash to the other timeline. Seriously, I’m all about this storyline.
Image may be NSFW.
