Here’s a bit of old school nerd trivia for you: three TOS episodes were nominated in the 1967 Hugo Awards for Best Dramatic Presentation: “The Naked Time,” “The Corbomite Maneuver,” and “The Menagerie,” the latter of which was a two-part episode that won the big prize.

Now, you may remember that “TNT” and “TCM” have easily been my favorite episodes thus far (or you may not–it has been a while), so it’s kinda cool to see they both got nods. Honestly, I don’t know how I would’ve picked between them, had I been alive in 1967: logic tells me that “The Corbomite Maneuver” is easily the better episode, but my heart reminds me that “The Naked Time” had both Bare-Chested Sulu running around with a sword and Angsty Vulcan Tears (clearly, my newest band name). It’s a hard call.

I can tell you one thing, though: I definitely would not have chosen “The Menagerie” over either of them.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

The Enterprise diverts off course to Starbase 11 because Spock supposedly got a message from Captain Pike. (Yes, the same Captain Pike from the unaired pilot, albeit portrayed by a different actor.) However, Spock totally didn’t get any such message; he’s a lying liar who lies, even though Vulcans supposedly don’t do that. Spock also commits treason by kidnapping Pike, stealing the Enterprise, and heading off to Talos IV, a planet so off limits that visiting it is punishable by death, like . . .

. . . wait, what?

Kirk and Commander Mendez, left behind on Starbase 11, chase after the Enterprise in a short range shuttle that quickly runs out of fuel. Spock, unwilling to let them die, rescues their sorry asses and gives himself up, but not before locking the navigation controls and forcing the Enterprise to go to Talos IV.

At this point, you may reasonably be wondering why the hell Spock is so hellbent to get to this goddamn planet. Well, we’ll spend the better part of two episodes, a handful of extremely lengthy flashbacks, and one court martial hearing figuring that out, but the basic facts are these: years ago, Captain Pike was horrifically injured while saving kids from a fire, or something. He’s now badly scarred and only capable of moving or communicating through the use of a wheelchair, one which allows him to answer yes or no questions with a blinking light. Spock wants to take him to Talos IV because there he can live “unfettered by his physical body,” AKA, he can spend the rest of his life in an alien illusion where he’s a fully able-bodied man in the company of a beautiful woman.

After spending two episodes denying that he wants any part of this, Pike abruptly decides he wants to stay on Talos IV after all. Meanwhile, it turns out that Commander Mendez never actually left Starbase 11 and is, in fact, another Talosian illusion to keep Kirk preoccupied from successfully regaining control of the ship. Luckily for Spock, the real Mendez sends a quick and anticlimactic message that Starfleet will wave the death penalty this one time and take no disciplinary action whatsoever against our favorite Vulcan first officer. Everyone wins! (Except the audience, that is.)

MY TAKE

Well. It started out good, anyway.

Like, the first twenty or so minutes? I was into it. Intrigue! Drama! What is Spock up to? Why all these sneaky shenanigans? Look how Kirk trusts him implicitly, only to be completely wrong about everything his first officer has done. Look how Bones is still defending Spock even when Kirk has become suspicious. I mean, in terms of character relationships and audience expectations, that’s a fascinating shift, right? Seriously, I was ALL ABOUT the first twenty minutes of “The Menagerie Part I.”

But then we get to the court martial hearing, and everything just falls apart.

“The Menagerie: Part I” and “The Menagerie: Part II” aren’t so much actual episodes as they are a giant framing device for “The Cage,” which is broken up into long chunks and aired in its entirety here as Spock’s testimony. Of course, original viewers may have been fine with this because as the pilot was never aired, this was all new material for them; whereas I felt like I was watching the most boring clip show of all time. (Obviously, it didn’t help that I didn’t like “The Cage” the first time I saw it.) It may or may not surprise you to learn that Mekaela and I ended up fast-forwarding a lot through these two episodes.

Now, I could probably forgive “The Menagerie” if that was my only problem with the episode; unfortunately, I take serious issue with the story’s conclusion, too. For one thing, the twist that Mendez has been an illusion all along feels silly, unearned, and random. For another, Spock really should suffer some kind of consequences, like, sure, I didn’t want the dude to get executed, but to build up STAKES, SO MANY STAKES for two hours, only to realize that Spock’s not even going to receive a disapproving note in his permanent record? Come on. That’s just poor writing.

But what I really can’t get past is how fucking ablest this happy ending feels. I mean, just some the language alone: “unfettered by his physical body” is the Star Trek equivalent of all those supposedly inspirational drawings of the late Stephen Hawking walking away from his wheelchair, like . . .

And yeah, it’s extremely difficult for me to imagine living with a condition like Pike’s, incapable of speaking or otherwise communicating with anyone except through a blinking light. That being said, I’m deeply uncomfortable with this episode’s implication that this condition is obviously and universally a fate worse than death, or, at the very least, a fate worse than living in an illusion for the rest of your days on an alien planet, forever separated from your friends and family and anyone else that presumably loves or cares or even vaguely knows you.

None of this is helped, mind you, by how Pike’s change of heart at the end of the episode feels so entirely unsupported by the script. Because of this, I never really bought into the idea that Pike actually wants this, not after two hours of him essentially blinking “no, stop, take me home.” Which, yeah, that’s a serious problem for me, particularly in this kind of storyline. Maybe many people would choose to stay on Talos IV, which is fine, but I’m relatively sure that just as many people wouldn’t want to–yet this ending reinforces the idea that a) this is the only happy ending a person with Pike’s condition could hope for, and b) that it’s up to us able-bodied people to save someone like Pike by making his decisions for him, even though he’s perfectly capable of choosing for himself.

So, yeah, IMO? This isn’t one of TOS’s finer moments.

RANDOM ASIDES

Another big problem I have with this episode is just how ridiculously classified and illegal Talos IV is, like, you get the death penalty just for crash-landing on the world? What the fuck even is that? I don’t know what annoys me more: that Starfleet still has the death penalty at all or that it’s only used for something so goddamn dumb. I can’t buy into any of this.

I also wish “The Menagerie” spent a little more time on that whole “Spock can’t lie” thing because, honestly, I’ve always been a little bit unclear about that: Bones certainly makes it sound like Vulcans are physiologically incapable of telling lines, even half-Vulcans, but that’s obviously not the case here. So, does he mean, like, culturally? Is Spock’s human half literally or figuratively completely submerged? Either way, I want to hear more about it, like, biological and cultural variations are fascinating, people. Let’s discuss them in more detail!

I know “The Menagerie” happened in the first place because the creators needed more time to produce new episodes, and I do think it’s theoretically clever, turning an unaired pilot into what’s essentially a prequel, taking place 13 years prior to the events of TOS. For instance, it helps explain a lot of the discrepancies in, say, staff and uniform and such, which is pretty cool. Although. Spock really styled his eyebrows and bangs differently 13 years ago, didn’t he? Maybe it was a part of his youthful Vulcan punk phase. Man. You know what really should be a bigger part of Trek but isn’t? Eyebrow fashion trends. I need to see more of them.

First Time We’ve Encountered: A shuttle. At least, I don’t think we’ve seen one yet. I specifically remember thinking it was weird shuttles didn’t seem to be an option in “The Enemy Within.” Anyway, this particular shuttle seems rather squat and unimpressive.

Majel Barrett as Ship’s Computer sounds much more, well, computerized than she has in previous episodes.

I really feel like no one makes a particularly serious effort to communicate with Pike. Like, I’m not saying it’d be easy. I’m just saying it definitely feels to me like all the characters here easily write Pike off, when he actually has all the answers that Spock’s enigmatic ass will only reveal in the proper time. Like, come on, people. Put in some work. Talk to the guy. Maybe you might actually get somewhere!

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“Mr. Spock, when you’re finished, please come back and see me; I want to talk to you. This regrettable tendency you’ve been showing lately towards flagrant emotionalism–”

“I see no reason to insult me, sir. I believe I’ve been completely logical about the whole affair.”

From Klingons spouting Hamlet quotes to Captain Picard fake-wooing Lwaxana Troi with a sonnet mashup, Star Trek has had a very long and very weird history with William Shakespeare. In fact, the Bard features so prominently in the franchise that he has his own motherfucking entry on Memory Alpha.

And this, my friends, this episode is where it all begins.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

Dr. Thomas Leighton, an old friend of Kirk’s, is convinced that a wandering Shakespearean actor named Karidian is also secretly Kodos the Executioner. Kodos once governed Tarsus IV until he decided to solve the colony’s starvation problem by murdering half the population. Unbeknownst to anyone else on the Enterprise, Kirk and Leighton are not only Tarsus IV survivors but 2 of the 9 eyewitnesses who actually saw Kodos’s face. Since Kodos is supposed to be dead, Kirk doesn’t believe Leighton, but quickly changes his tune when his old buddy ends up getting murdered.

Through some mischief, Kirk arranges to transport Karidian’s whole acting troupe to their next destination. He also begins seducing Lenore, Karidian’s daughter, as part of his secret investigation. Meanwhile, Spock begins doing a little detective work of his own, trying to figure out what his captain is up to; disappointingly, his investigation doesn’t involve a grand seduction of Kirk or anyone else. It’s revealed that most of the eyewitnesses from Tarsus IV are dead; the only ones left alive are Kirk himself and one member of his crew, Kevin Riley (last seen in “The Naked Time,” taking the Enterprise hostage). Quite naturally, Riley immediately gets poisoned. Shockingly, though, he lives.

Kirk confronts Karidian, who never directly admit he’s Kodos but super obviously is. Then Lenore confronts Kirk for totally using her. Then Riley tries to vengeance-murder Kodos, only to be stopped by Kirk. Then Kirk overhears Lenore confess to her father that she’s been murdering the eyewitnesses, who’s super unhappy because Lenore was the only pure thing in his life. Then Kodos sacrifices himself to save Kirk. Then Lenore, having killed her father, proves herself a proper Shakespearian heroine by theatrically losing her mind.

And scene.

MY TAKE

After the 2009 Star Trek reboot, I briefly fell into a Kelvin Verse Fanfiction Black Hole. By doing so, I learned a few things which surprised me: one, I was much more of a Jim/Bones shipper than a Jim/Spock shipper (I’m not yet sure if this holds true for the actual original series), and two, in TOS, Little Kirk apparently survived the mass slaughter of 4,000 people on Tarsus IV, which–in many fanfics–left him properly traumatized and in need of comfort. Naturally, I was delighted when I realized we had arrived at the Kodos episode, though I must say that absolutely none of the fanfics I read prepared for the whole Shakespearean tragedy angle.

“Conscience of the King” is . . . okay. Parts of it are cool. I quite like Arnold Moss, who has immediate presence as Kodos; the scene where Kirk confronts him is particularly great, even if I couldn’t help but wish he would just own to being Kodos, considering how literally every argument he says makes no sense from anyone other than the Executioner. I find the whole backstory of Tarsus IV pretty interesting. And I’m definitely into Spock’s investigation in this episode, particularly as he relates his findings to Bones; Spock’s reaction to the past massacre is pretty passionate and, dare I say, a bit emotional. In fact, I wish a little more time was spent on that because Spock being all conflicted about his suppressed emotions is obviously one of my very favorite things.

What I’m considerably less into, unfortunately, is James Kirk, Seduction Detective. His scenes with Lenore all feel totally gross. It’s not just that he’s using her to investigate someone else; like, obviously, that’s not ideal, but it’s a well-trod plot trope that can be done well or at least better. Here, though, Kirk comes off incredibly skeezy, like, presumably Shatner’s going for flirty and hot, but all I’m getting here?

Great, another mega creepy slime ball.

Slime, admittedly, is not an unknown flavor of Captain Kirk but it’s easily my least favorite. It also makes it considerably harder to buy into the idea that Kirk actually falls for Lenore. Their supposedly tragic romance fails pretty hard for me in this episode, and that’s a problem because it’s a huge part of this story. Both the murder of Dr. Leighton and the psychological fallout of surviving Tarsus IV take a pretty big backseat to Kirk and Lenore’s could’ve-been love story, and I just do not give a shit.

Some of the thematic stuff doesn’t work super well for me, either. Like, I get why justice versus vengeance is a thing, of course, but it still feels like Bones brings it up out of nowhere, like, as scummy as Kirk’s detective techniques are, there’s been nothing in his behavior to indicate that he’s seriously contemplating murdering Claudius Kodos. And then Lenore tries to argue Kirk’s immorality by complaining about technology or something, but seriously, what is “The Dangers of Technology” even doing in this episode?

Finally, I just can’t get into Lenore’s tragic descent into madness at the end of the episode. And don’t get me wrong: I get the whole Shakespearean quality of it all. I even really like how Kodos reacts when he realizes his daughter has been killing people for him all this time. Nevertheless, Murderous Ophelia (obviously a stellar band name) is just a bit too over-the-top for me, not because the performance is poor, necessarily, but because Lenore’s theatrical insanity seems to make her more of an archetype than an actual character. I’d like Lenore a whole lot better if she was just a woman of sound mind willing to do absolutely terrible things to protect her father.

Alas, it’s Murderous Ophelia we get instead, and by the time we learn that Lenore’s forgotten all the crimes she’s committed and thinks her father is alive on tour, well, I was pretty much done.

RANDOM ASIDES

At first, Dr. Thomas Leighton is only shown in profile, and the longer it goes on for, the more ridiculously obvious it is that TOS plans to shock us with a Scarred/Bandaged Face Reveal. Setting aside the fact that maybe Scarred/Bandaged Face Reveals should be retired entirely, the horrified response to this particular one is somewhat diminished by the fact that Leighton looks like he’s covered half his face with a wonky and oversized sleep mask.

It’s important to note that while Kodos is playing Macbeth, Lenore–his daughter–is playing Lady Macbeth. SO CREEPY. SO WRONG.

FASHION REPORT: Sweet Jesus, Lenore. Everything she wears is the worst thing anyone has ever worn. Her outfit at the party, for instance: it’s a royal blue tunic-poncho-mumu thing with, for whatever reason, only one sleeve and ugly, gigantic blue flowers running down the center. She’s paired this awful thing with sparkly silver tights which, while acceptable, really don’t match anything else she’s wearing. It only goes downhill from here, though, because–as she and Kirk leave the party for their romantic stroll outside–she’s apparently added some kind of black or dark blue veil that’s just . . . no. It’s just no. And later, when she arrives on the Enterprise, Lenore has decided to pair her silver tights with . . . IDK, some kind of boxy off-the-shoulder mini dress made out of purple-gray carpet? Like, I’m seriously wondering if the costuming department didn’t make this dress out of a bath mat. And once again, her tan gloves match nothing else she’s wearing at all.

Taken Straight From the Notes (about that romantic stroll): There’s a dead body, ruining the mood. Oh, it’s Tom. Sorry, Tom.

Kirk is an Epic Fail at basically everything. He purposefully keeps his detective shenanigans a secret from everyone on the Enterprise, yet acts like a shifty, creepy little asshole with Lenore in front of his entire bridge crew, like, gee, Kirk, I wonder why Spock started investigating shit behind your back. This is not helped by Kirk transferring Riley back to Engineering without any explanation. Admittedly, Kirk’s trying to protect the kid, but it’s kind of a dick move, since he full well knows Riley will consider it a demotion, and again, just adds more fuel to Spock’s “my captain is up to some bullshit” fire. And while I’d like to at least applaud Kirk for wanting to be 100% sure before condemning Karidian as Kodos, he also says, “Logic is not enough. I’ve got to feel my way.” Which, like, no? Didn’t even Hamlet know that feelings aren’t actually proof?

That all being said, I still think I might have to award Chief Asshat to Bones. I know, I’m surprised too. But we must consider the facts: first, when Spock is trying to convince him that Kirk’s up to something, Bones decides that Kirk probably just arranged for the troupe to get stranded so he’d have time to, ah, “get close” to Lenore, like that’s not a totally creepy abuse of power or anything. Then Bones just spills the news about Kodos where Riley–orphaned because of this fucker–can easily overhear. Of course, Bones is all, “If he overheard . . .” and I’m like, “bitch, the dude was ten feet behind you. OF COURSE HE OVERHEARD.” Add all this to the fact that Bones doesn’t even notice when Riley takes off on his Vengeance Quest, and I have to conclude that if Bones doesn’t win Chief Asshat–and I’m still conflicted on that–he, at the very least, is winning Chief Incompetency.

It’s a small thing, I know, but the fact that the only people left alive who can put Kodos at the scene of the genocide both happen to live on the Enterprise? It’s just too big of a coincidence for me. Although, in fairness, I suspect it really wouldn’t bother me so much if Lenore herself had figured out a way to strand the troupe, considering she is the one hunting these eyewitnesses and all.

Hey, Uhura is playing music and singing again! Hi, Musical Uhura!

First Time We’ve Encountered: an overloaded phaser! This one was considerably more powerful than I expected; apparently, it could’ve taken out several whole decks. “Conscience of the King” also marks the first and, I suspect, last time a squirt bottle is used on the Enterprise. Lenore literally uses a squirt bottle to poison Riley’s milk. It is without a doubt one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life. (Equally if not even more ludicrous is that Riley is working alone in Engineering when he gets poisoned. I’m like, wait, what? What kind of ship are you running here, Kirk?)

Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure this is the last time we see Riley. He and Kirk were two survivors of the same genocidal massacre; their relationship could be extremely interesting, if it were actually allowed to play out. But since Riley’s just a guest player, he disappears, which only makes me wish that Sulu, my current favorite, had this backstory instead. Sadly, Sulu isn’t even in this episode. Again.

A line Lenore actually speaks:  “Has the machine changed them? Made them just people instead of women?”

Finally, Bones has kind of a funny about how it’s no wonder the Vulcans were conquered if they never drink booze, but . . . pretty sure the Vulcans were never actually conquered? There are, admittedly, any number of gaps in my Trek knowledge, but I don’t actually think this is one of them.

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“You should be told the difference between empiricism and stubbornness, Doctor.”

With the Write-a-Thon over, I finally have some time to focus on what really matters: my super timely recaps of a 50-year-old science fiction television show!

Yes, my friends, we are back to TOS again. Today we’ll be discussing “Balance of Terror,” which, you know, isn’t a bad episode, per se, just sort of . . . meh? Like, it’s more “meh” on a personal level than a technical one, but still. It’s middling for me. That being said, there are definitely some worthwhile bits, like, we get our first glimpse at the Romulans! Also, Sulu and Scotty are actually in this episode!

Let’s just get down to it, shall we?

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

There’s a wedding on board the USS: Enterprise–but no one has time for that marriage nonsense, not when outposts along the Neutral Zone are getting attacked. No one has entered the Neutral Zone in over 100 years, not since a brutal war between the humans and the Romulans ended. The Enterprise is under orders to adhere to the treaty at all costs, but the Romulans and their mostly-invisible ship are making that difficult. So the Enterprise does some spying, and discover that Spock’s Daddy is leading the Romulan crew!

Okay, not really. But it is Mark Lenard, who will play Spock’s Dad in later episodes/movies, and he does look Vulcan. It seems that no one’s ever seen a Romulan before (I guess the war was the take-no-prisoners kind), so they had no idea that Vulcans and Romulans shared a common ancestry. Unfortunately, this revelation leads Lieutenant Stiles–already kind of a hothead/prejudiced asshole–to acting like an insubordinate dick and all around meanie to Spock. (Apparently, a lot of Stiles’s ancestors died in that war, see. He’s very tiresome about it.)

Kirk and Commander Mark Lenard then spend the majority of the episode trying to outsmart one another. There’s a lot of stuff going on here–CML is weary of fighting, Kirk’s worried about accidentally restarting this devastating war, they’re both dealing with shitty dudes on their respective crews, etc–but there’s definitely a whole “in another world, we coulda been bros” vibe, and by vibe, I mean, they literally say that. In the end, however, the Romulans are defeated, and CML chooses to self-destruct, rather than let his people and ship be captured. Meanwhile, Spock saves Racist Stiles’s worthless ass, and the only Enterprise crew member who dies is the groom who never even got to say “I do.”

MY TAKE

So, there’s nothing very wrong with this episode. It’s basically a sub movie in space, right, and I can totally see why people might get into that. I just think that, ultimately, I never really felt that tension, you know? Like, you’ve got the high stakes, the relatively compelling antagonist, the smart calls and miscalculations on both sides. And yet, I was never particularly invested in the outcome, possibly because I already knew none of the main players were gonna bite it, but, more importantly, because I knew Kirk couldn’t possibly screw up so much that he led the Federation into all-out war. And mind you, I didn’t know that because of my vast Trek history knowledge or anything; I knew it because until Deep Space Nine came along, Star Trek has been, by and large, an episodic franchise.

There are advantages and disadvantages to serialized storytelling, but one of the things working strongly in its favor? Stakes. For instance, consider a serialized SF show like The Expanse. (Don’t watch The Expanse? START.) If Jim Holden found himself in Jim Kirk’s shoes, afraid that his decisions might ultimately kick off an alien war, I’d definitely be worried too, because that’s pretty much how that show works: a character makes a choice in one episode, and everyone deals with the fallout for the next ten. But that kind of thing just doesn’t happen in a show like TOS. Cause, like, Kirk can’t restart a century-old war in one episode, and then just fritter around, dealing with away mission hijinks the next. On a truly episodic show, plot consequences can only last for roughly 50 minutes.

So, there’s that. There’s also the wedding business, which isn’t a bad idea, exactly, but it’s also a pretty obvious setup for a tragic end. It might work better if we were at all familiar with these characters, like, say the groom was Kevin Riley or something, surviving his glass of poisoned milk, only to get killed off here. But these people are total newcomers and we’ve spent, what, three minutes with them before Groom Whose Name I Can’t Be Bothered To Look Up bites it? I mean, it’s still kinda sad, but not that sad. And it doesn’t help that Lt. Groom is literally the only person on the Enterprise who dies. Like, come ON.

Still, for all that, “Balance of Terror” is a totally decent hour of Star Trek. I like how each captain gains, loses, and regains the upper hand at some point. The acting is pretty decent. And I’m amused that Spock doesn’t seem to notice any resemblance between the Romulan commander and his father, even though some other alien dude reminded Spock of his dad just a few episodes ago.

So, yeah. It’s all fine; I just didn’t find any of it super compelling, that’s all. But it’s also probably fair to point out that submarine movies aren’t exactly my go-to, either.

RANDOM ASIDES

Here’s a genuinely surprising thing about this episode: Spock makes a mistake! Yeah! While both ships are playing possum, Spock accidentally hits some button that releases a signal, letting the Romulans know where they are. Spock done fucks up!

We forgive him, though, cause he’s Spock, and we love him (when he’s not being a random asshat, that is), and also because he spends the majority of this episode having to deal with Racist Ass Stiles, who gets tedious very quickly. (One of the more pathetic moments is when he calls Spock “Mr. Science Officer” like it’s an insult. It physically pains me.)

Hell, even before Racist Ass Stiles learns that Vulcans and Romulans share a common ancestry, he makes some rather peculiar leaps in logic, passionately arguing that there could be traitors on board the Enterprise, based on . . . honestly, I don’t even know. Stiles also argues that the Enterprise must attack the Romulans immediately, despite the not insignificant fact that the Enterprise can’t see the Romulans. Sulu, at least, offers up some much needed scorn for this plan. You know why? CAUSE SULU KNOWS WHAT’S UP.

First Time We’ve Encountered: The Romulans. The Neutral Zone. Any kind of cloaking device. It’s all pretty awesome. (Although a cloaking device that also blinds you is not what I’d call an amazing trade-off in battle. Still. It’s interesting. I like seeing technology that’s both cool and comes with major drawbacks.)

FASHION REPORT: Dude, the Romulans have some amazing costumes. I think they’re going for, well, a Roman look, but this, just . . . HA. The gold helmets alone are hilarious, but combine those with . . . Jesus, how do you describe this . . . like, a hot pink and black toga sash that attaches to a pair of matching Bermuda shorts? It’s utterly delightful.

I’m also amused that the Romulans are literally whispering while they’re hiding their ship. Like, no one on the Enterprise can hear you, guys. Talk as loud as you want; just try not to press any unfortunate buttons, like Spock did.

Commander Mark Lenard tells Kirk, “You and I are of a kind. In a different reality, I could have called you a friend,” which, really, is just the more tragic version of a supervillain gloating, “We’re not so very different, you and I.”

Captain Kirk tells Racist Ass Stiles, “Leave any bigotry in your quarters. There’s no room for it on the bridge.” This is a wonderful sentiment, although it’s one Kirk’s gonna have some trouble with in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country.

Throughout this whole episode, Kirk is trying to get orders from his superiors on how to handle the situation. Their final decision (basically ‘do whatever, we totes trust you’) only arrives after the action is already over. Typical.

Pretty sure this is the last episode we’ll see Janice Rand in, so it’s doubly depressing that the majority of her role in “Balance of Terror” is to be held and comforted by Captain Kirk when all seems nigh. I’m sorry, Grace Lee Whitney. You deserved better.

Holy shit, Uhura just took over navigation? I didn’t even know she could do that! Can she do it again? Please do it again!

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“He’s a sorcerer, that one. He reads the thoughts in my brain.”

Friends, this one started out promising, it really did. Sulu and Bones are on an away mission! Super wacky shit starts happening! A single massage ignites the passionate ship that is Spock and Kirk!

. . . sadly, then the episode continues.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

The crew of the Enterprise are tired, what with the last few months being full of Romulans and Shakespeare and people who keep trying to either highjack or blow up their ship. Bones and Sulu (as well as Rodriguez and Martine) scout a possible planet for shore leave. It’s green and pretty enough, but it’s absolutely nothing like Alice in Wonderland, no matter what the hell Bones says–at least it isn’t until he actually spots a giant white rabbit saying, “Oh! My paws and whiskers! I’ll be late!” before scampering off. (Alice, herself, also briefly appears before likewise running away.)

To Bones’s credit, he does actually report this, but Kirk doesn’t believe him and heads down to the planet with Yeoman Barrows, having been tricked by Spock into actually accepting vacation time. Quickly, even more weird shit starts happening. Sulu finds a rare antique gun (the kind he’s always wanted), Kirk runs into his old Academy nemesis (a prankster that Kirk’s always wanted to punch), Kirk runs into yet ANOTHER old flame (this one’s named Ruth), etc. There’s also tigers and airplanes and samurais and medieval jousting knights, the latter of which kills McCoy when he refuses to move, stubbornly insisting that he can’t be harmed by a hallucination.

The knight is also killed and, upon closer inspection, turns out to be a mannequin. Then, after both the mannequin and Bones’s bodies disappear, Spock begins to finally realize what’s going on. Before he can tell Kirk, though, Finnegan the Prankster reappears, and Kirk chases him so they can have possibly the longest, most boring fight scene I have ever seen. Galaxies are born and die by the time this fight finally ends. Eventually, the Caretaker (not, alas, the Caretaker from Star Trek: Voyager) pops up to explain that this whole planet is basically one big VR amusement park. Bones, along with two fascinatingly dressed women, also pops up to prove he isn’t dead, as sexy sax begins to play and Yeoman Barrows jealously confronts the dude she spent a whole four minutes flirting with.

Then Kirk orders everyone (save Spock, who’s had enough of these shore leave shenanigans) to come down and partake in the fun. As for Kirk, he’ll be spending his vacay with Ruth, cause, you know. Sexing it up with the fake version of his real life ex who still looks 15-years-younger than him isn’t creepy at all!

MY TAKE

It’s genuinely nice to see a lighthearted episode of TOS, and there are a lot of fun moments here. Sulu fights a samurai! Classic children’s literature starts coming to life! Kirk is hot for Spock’s strong, logical hands! I’m all about the less sinister version of Needful Things, the planet–which, come to think of it, feels an awful lot like a precursor to the Holodeck.

Unfortunately, it takes everyone in this episode an absurdly long time to figure out what’s going on. Not the amusement park bit; I don’t expect people to jump from “our shared hallucinations can kill us” to “Space Disneyland.” But the part where someone says, “I was just thinking about Homicidal Winnie-the-Pooh,” and lo and behold, Winnie-the-Pooh with a bloody chainsaw pops out of the woods, and everyone’s just like, “Huh, that’s pretty weird. I wonder why that happened.” Nobody manages to verbally cause-and-effect this shit until 42 minutes into the show. It kills me.

And the planet, for all its awesome potential, comes up a little short in regards to imagination. As always with Trek, there is rarely an old weapon, novel, song, or thematically relevant period of human history that doesn’t take place in either the year the show was made or any of the years prior. Bones won’t see a popular figure from a kids book in his century anymore than Jean-Luc Picard in TNG would see a “primitive” alien society and be reminded of New Zealand’s Dark Era of 2076. Not to mention, literally anything, anything, these people can think of will appear on this planet, and we get, what, tigers, jousting knights, and chorus line dancers? I can go to Vegas and see all that shit. Also, while vengeance can be a powerful fantasy, I really don’t think I can stress enough just how boring this fight scene is between Kirk and the awful, awful, AWFUL Finnegan. It is soul crushingly bad.

TOS, too, continues to not quite stick the landing here. The amusement park idea is cool but also incredibly anticlimactic, perhaps because everyone’s immediately like, “Ha ha ha, how silly we were to be needlessly traumatized by all the apparent weirdness and death. ‘Let’s party!'” And seriously, Kirk taking a few days off to fuck the fake version of an old girlfriend is just creepy. I get that it’s not gonna happen because, like, the 60’s, but it would be cool if at least one episode of this show didn’t creep me out or piss me off in how it treats women–and more on that shortly.

RANDOM ASIDES

This episode begins with Kirk in the captain’s chair, complaining about a kink in his back. The young, pretty yeoman who’s noticeably not Janice Rand begins giving him a massage. “That’s it,” he says. “A little higher, please. Push. Push hard. Dig in there, Mr. Spo–” And, then immediately cuts himself as he realizes that Spock isn’t the person rubbing his back.

Uncomfortably, Kirk tells the yeoman, “That’s sufficient,” and exchanges glances with Spock. Meanwhile, I’m practically falling off my couch, dying with laughter, because oh my God, Kirk is disappointed that Spock isn’t the one giving him the sexy massage! THIS! THIS IS WHERE IT ALL BEGAN, PEOPLE. I know there’s always someone whining that nobody involved in the show ever intended for these two characters to be romantically paired, but dudes, no. You don’t get to include a scene like this and then act surprised when people interpret it in the most obvious way imaginable. I mean, and that’s coming from me, and I am extremely inclined to favor platonic interpretations over romantic ones when I watch TV.

Oh, look, it’s another uninhabited planet. TOS better not have any episodes about overpopulation, or I’m gonna have to magically beam myself onto this ship and remind them about the dozen planets out there with, like, two people on them at best.

While this place doesn’t have people, animals, or insects–oh, how I long for a planet without insects-it does have a shit ton of wind chimes. People. SO MANY WIND CHIMES.

I do appreciate that Kirk immediately puts short leave on standby once he’s seen the giant bunny tracks on the supposedly empty planet, rather than risking any additional crew. This is some solid captaining from Jim Kirk.

On the other hand, Kirk continuously splits up the away team, which is obviously a terrible idea. He stops searching for Sulu (last seen running after a man who attacked Yeoman Barrows) in order to pick pretty flowers and lovingly stare at some ex-girlfriend of his who obviously isn’t real. Kirk also sternly asks Barrows, “Are you sure you’re not imagining this?” as if her account of being attacked by a caped dude with a jeweled knife is somehow more impossible than Sulu finding an antique gun from Earth, Kirk running into a classmate that apparently hasn’t aged in 20 years, or Bones seeing characters from Alice in Fucking Wonderland. This, you sexist bastard. This is why you’re winning Chief Asshat this episode.

Seriously, the blatant sexism is so pervasive in this episode, like . . .

There isn’t much to say about Martine, except that a) she wants to flirt rather than work, b) she apparently got over her doomed wedding in “Balance of Terror” pretty quickly, and c) she either “dies” after getting shot by a plane or just straight up knocks herself out by running into tree. I’m honestly not sure which.

Yeoman Barrows, unfortunately, is much worse. You see, Barrows seems to spend a fair amount of her time thinking about all the things every girl really needs. For instance, she thinks to herself, “All a girl needs is a Don Juan” (which, thanks but no thanks), before being violently attacked by Don Juan himself. Soon afterwards, she tells Bones that a girl here ought to be dressed like a princess. (Why she’s still all giggly and charmed with this planet, I couldn’t possibly tell you, considering how justifiably upset she seemed to be roughly five minutes before.) Of course, Barrows immediately finds such a dress, and what does she do? Well, she holds it up to herself and says, without the slightest shred of irony, “Look at me, Doctor! A lady to be protected and fought for!”

To her credit, Barrows does hesitate before trying the dress on, understandably feeling scared and vulnerable in this weird and dangerous place, but Bones creepily tells her that he’d like to see her in the dress, so she’s immediately swayed. Barrows, of course, is also the only one on the team to break down in tears and–more than once–be verbally bitchslapped into suppressing her emotions and keeping a level head. Meanwhile, I’m on the couch, head in my heads and longingly wishing for the sweet release of death by way of imaginary tiger.

FASHION REPORT: Oh, it’s all about the ladies today. We begin with the Princess Dress. It’s mint green, trimmed with gray, and is exactly the kind of nonsense I imagine female employees wear at Medieval Times. (Full disclosure: I’ve never been to Medieval Times, but I’d genuinely like to go at some point. It sounds like good silly fun.) Of course, the dress is complete with one of those tall, pointy hats, the kind that comes with a big white veil. (Note to self: get one of those.)

But if medieval isn’t your style, how about chorus girls? The two cabaret dancers who escort Recently Dead Bones back to his crew are wearing, like, diamond shaped, furry pastie-bra-things with matching furry underwear that sort of snakes down one leg. One woman is all in canary yellow, the other bright pink. This even includes their color coded belly button rings. It’s just, wow. Wow is what it is.

Finnegan is the most annoying character in all of Star Trek. This is my decree.

If a woman can physically put on a “hallucination dress,” then you can totally get killed by a “hallucination knight.” Come on, Bones. Get your shit together. (Also, with Bones being the corpse this time, there’s sadly no one around to say, “He’s dead, Jim.” It’s a little disappointing.)

I’ll admit, I briefly harbored the hope that when Spock beamed down to the surface, it wasn’t really Spock, just Kirk manifesting his First Officer in order to finally get that massage. Sadly, this ended up not being the case.

Finally, it’s totally weird that Spock is the one to explain the concept of an amusement park to the others, though perhaps that’s why this explanation (“an old Earth name for a place where people go to see and do all sorts of fascinating things”) is so bad. Seriously, Spock. That description could apply to almost anything. Burning Man. Pride parades. Comic Con. SantaCon. A LARP summer camp. The local stripper club with Furry Fridays might be fascinating to some people, but that doesn’t make it an amusement park, Spock.

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“With all due respect to the young lady, I’ve already had as much shore leave as I care for.”

Often, I dream about becoming a fixer. Not a political fixer or someone who takes care of inconvenient dead bodies, but a Story Fixer. Someone who walks into the Writer’s Room and says, “People, you are so close, really, you are almost there–but you’ve gotta cut this, this, and this because they’re about to ruin your entire show.” I mean, that’s an editor. I pretty much just wanna be an editor. But also, an editor with a time machine. And, one hopes, a stylish hat.

With an intro like that, you may not be surprised to hear that I have a LOT to say about “The Galileo Seven.”

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

The Enterprise is heading to the New Paris colonies to drop off some plague meds, but Kirk stops for a two-day detour because the ship has standing orders to investigate quasar phenomena whenever they encounter one. Spock, Bones, and Scotty board the Galileo to check it out. Also along for the ride are Lt. Latimer (Red Shirt #1), Lt. Gaetano (Red Shirt #2), Yeoman Mears (The One Girl) and Lt. Boma (Unbelievable Asshole, as well as clear winner of this episode’s Chief Asshat.) Unfortunately, the Galileo quickly gets knocked off course, and they crash-land on a nearby planet populated only by giant, angry ape creatures.

Kirk only has 48 hours to find his crewmen or be forced to leave them behind, as High Commissioner Ferris continuously pops up to remind him. Meanwhile, the Galileo Seven try to get back into orbit, but their shuttle needs extensive repairs; worse, two people will have to be left behind, as the ship will no longer make it off the ground with everyone’s combined weight. Naturally, tensions are high, and that’s before the giant ape creatures kill Red Shirt #1.

Spock, in his first command, gets into a series of arguments with Bones, Red Shirt #2, and Unbelievable Asshole on how to deal with the alien creatures, how to choose who should be left behind, and whether they should prioritize culture and morale over basic survival. Tensions hit a boiling point after Red Shirt #2 bites it, but eventually, the Galileo 7–well, 5 now–does make it into orbit. Unfortunately, the Enterprise, past deadline, has already left, traveling as slowly as physically possible.

In a desperate, last ditch effort to get their attention, Spock does a risky maneuver that wastes nearly all their fuel in one go. It works, though; my man Sulu spots them, and the shuttle is saved. Once everyone’s onboard, the bridge crew teases Spock over this desperate maneuver, as surely it wasn’t a logical reaction to the situation at hand. Spock, naturally, disagrees, and everyone laughs fondly at his expense.

MY TAKE

Conceptually, this episode is fascinating. This is Spock’s first command, which–all right, that seems more than a little ridiculous, considering he’s the first officer and all, but we’ll move past that because there’s a solid narrative arc here: Spock tells Bones that he neither enjoys nor fears the idea of command, and all in all, seems pretty confident in his ability to lead effectively, presumably because he knows his decisions will be based on logic and will thus be the best choices he can make. It’s interesting because Spock never comes across as arrogant or boastful here (in fact, as this is a response to Bones once again needling him, I was very much all “YEAH, YOU GO, SPOCK”), but as the episode continues, Spock’s attitude towards leadership does seem naive, considering that his first command goes anything but smoothly, in great part because of the decisions he makes and how he arrives at them. There’s a beautiful moment near the end, too, when Spock–believing that he and his crew members are about to experience a crispy, fiery death–responds to Bones’s kind of inappropriately snarky comment by regretfully murmuring, “Yes. My first command.”

See, that? That is a solid character arc right there, and I really love the idea that it’s largely cultural differences between Spock and his all-human crew that’s driving a lot of the tension in this episode. The problem, unfortunately, is that for such a story to be at its most effective, you really want to understand and respect where both sides are coming from. Like, you want nuance here. Instead, I spent the majority of this episode wishing I could dropkick almost all the humans–but primarily Unbelievable Asshole–into the sun. Meanwhile, Spock (who I generally feel sorry for) straight up gets one of his crew killed, so yeah, I have problems.

To better illustrate this, let’s look at a few of the conflicts, shall we? First, Spock realizes that they’ll have to leave three people behind to die if everyone else is to survive. (Later, this gets downgraded to two.) It’s pretty much a narrative conflict borne out of a Philosophy 101 class (this particular lesson being on lifeboat ethics), and it has quite a lot of potential . . . until Unbelievable Asshole has to ruin everything by having a Tone (not to mention a sneer) when he asks, “And who’s to choose?” He’ll have this same tone and sneer whenever he talks to Spock about literally anything.

Now, admittedly, tone policing can be utter bullshit in many instances, but sometimes tone does matter. The Enterprise is, after all, a military vessel, and Unbelievable Asshole starts the day at about an 11 on the “Holy Shit, Maybe Don’t Talk To Your Commanding Officer Like You’re Sixteen And Your Parents Just Grounded You Before That Big Party” scale. Which is a problem for multiple reasons: one) if you start at an 11, it’s really hard to actually build any tension between characters, and two) even if you as an audience member agree with Unbelievable Asshole that the people left behind should be chosen randomly, it’s hard to have much sympathy for a guy when his very first instinct is to aggressively whine like a giant man baby–and a racist giant man baby, at that. His attitude towards Spock throughout the entire episode feels indicative of his feelings towards Vulcans as a whole–and since Unbelievable Asshole is also the only black character on the shuttle, this feels like an especially poor choice.

Now, this isn’t to say that Spock doesn’t make mistakes because he absolutely does. After Red Shirt #1 is murdered, for instance, Spock says that bringing his body back to the shuttle is probably okay since it shouldn’t interfere with rescue efforts, which, ouch, that’s understandably not going to go over well with Red Shirt #2, who just saw his friend and fellow crew mate get killed.

I totally get Red Shirt #2’s disagreeable tone here, just like I get why he refuses to let Spock help carry his friend’s body back. This is an example of a genuine interpersonal conflict. Another one, I think, is when Spock refuses to preside over a funeral service for Red Shirt #1 because, well, time is money, and he’s far more useful helping to repair the ship than acting as Captain/Priest. This is a completely understandable and very practical attitude, but I can also legitimately see why it might alienate others: death rituals are extremely important to many people, and after all, it’s not like Spock’s doing the bulk of the repair work here (that would be Scotty), nor is he being asked to perform a thirty-minute sermon over the dead. A quick “he was a good officer and we’ll miss him” probably would’ve sufficed. Spock’s trouble isn’t just that he has difficulty relating to his crew; he also clearly doesn’t see why it’s even necessary. But at a certain point, it is necessary, and his inability to discuss sensitive matters with any real tact is a serious problem for his command.

Still, Spock isn’t exactly wholly to blame here. Part of that is because a few of the conflicts presented are total crap. Disagreeing about how one chooses who’s left behind to die is interesting, for instance; Bones insisting that Spock shouldn’t even consider the notion and good God, man, where is heart, well, that’s just nonsense. Likewise, while death rituals are important to many people, no reasonable person should expect you to bury someone while giant murderous creatures are closing in with their equally giant spears.

Except Unbelievable Asshole, of course, who’s seriously just the worst. Spock’s difficulty with empathy may be a problem for his command, but Unbelievable Asshole, Bones, and Red Shirt #2 aren’t going to be winning any higher ground arguments on that score, considering how they continuously act like Spock’s a monster simply because he doesn’t conform to human values. Indeed, Spock’s beliefs are, again and again, treated as though they’re immoral, inconceivable, and/or downright inferior to a human’s way of thinking. Basically, everyone just wants Spock to be a whole other person, and it’s kinda gross because I really don’t know that we’re meant to disagree. While we are occasionally invited to sympathize with Spock, I can’t shake the feeling that the moral of the episode seems to be “Spock needs to get in touch with his humanity,” not “we ALL need to work harder to understand one another.”

And that, my friends, is some bullshit because, seriously, if Spock had just murdered half his crew in the beginning and flown home with Scotty (who’s too busy fixing the shuttle to be a racist, whiny dickweasel) and The One Girl (who’s so insignificant that she barely even has time to be annoying), shit, man, I’d have cheered him on.

RANDOM ASIDES

If this recap has taught me nothing else, I can at least say that–after many, many mistaken tries–I finally know how to spell “Galileo” now. I feel very proud.

Here’s a thing: when I first watched this episode, I never caught what the original mission was before Kirk sidelined the trip to go quasar gazing. Therefore, I just figured the High Commissioner was being an obnoxious ass about leaving the crew of the Galileo behind because he was late to some galactic conference or something. I had no idea that Kirk had pretty much said, “Well, I know people are suffering from this whole plague deal, but we’re actually two days ahead of schedule to drop off their meds, so rather than arrive unfashionably early, we’ll just spend those two days investigating this phenomenon instead.” Like, seriously, WTF, Kirk? I’m all about Starfleet’s mission to explore cool looking shit–and this quasar is pretty cool looking, actually–but my dude, a plague takes priority. You should know that. Everyone knows that. How did you even get your job?

Despite the fact that I’m completely on his side now, the High Commissioner is still kinda the worst–as useless as The One Girl but nearly as obnoxious as Unbelievable Asshole. He smirks so evilly in the opener that I assumed he was somehow responsible for the Galileo crashing, which is fine if that’s an intentional red herring, but it’s clearly not because it doesn’t go anywhere. In fact, his entire character doesn’t go anywhere: HC’s whole role in this episode is to storm onto the bridge, act snippy to Kirk, remind him of the Plot Clock, and storm off again. This happens, like, FIVE TIMES, before the High Commissioner just vanishes. Like, you’d think this was building to something, right, some kind of Big Showdown between him and Kirk, maybe after The Enterprise finally leaves but only at a snail’s pace? Well, you’d be wrong; the HC isn’t even there for that scene, nor is he there when the Enterprise heads back for the lost shuttle or after everyone’s safely back on board. Which means the High Commissioner serves absolutely no purpose, and should I ever become a teacher–unlikely–I would use his character in a lesson called Narrative Clocks: How NOT To Do Them.

FASHION REPORT: On first glance, the High Commissioner appears to be wearing some kind of futuristic track suit with a small cape and an ascot. On further inspection, I’ve realized that it’s not actually a cape, but man, it looks like one in certain shots. Sadly, the ascot still appears to be very real.

I’m unclear on why this many people are going to investigate a quasar. I’m especially unclear why the Chief Medical Officer is tagging along for this brief astrophysics jaunt. I also can’t help but note that I haven’t seen much sign of Bones’s aviophobia (so notable in the 2009 reboot and the accompanying fanfiction) thus far in the original series. Is this an invention of the reboot, I wonder, or does it actually come up later?

First Time We’ve Seen: a shuttle actually leaving the Enterprise. It’s notable primarily because it’s hilarious. Oh, 60’s special effects.

Speaking of which, every scene where a giant ape creature throws a weapon is the funniest scene of all time. For instance, when Red Shirt #1 is killed: we see an alien throw a spear-shaped thing through the air, where it clearly just falls on the ground, I mean the trajectory is pretty obvious. But that doesn’t stop Red Shirt #1 from screaming in agony and falling off a small cliff with the most massive sized spear you’ve ever seen sticking out of his back, like, it’s basically a fucking flagpole. I also laughed out loud when one of the off-screen aliens threw a rock at Red Shirt #2, and again when that same alien slowly lumbered toward him. Honestly, people, I don’t think I can even describe this creature. He’s tall (although not quite tall enough for those flagpole-spears to make sense) and appears about as wide as maybe two people, wearing a pretty terrible fur suit that definitely made me think “bear” before “ape.” It is, in a word, delightful.

I do like that, for all their unacceptable whining, Bones and Unbelievable Asshole go back to rescue Spock instead of leaving him behind. I also really like that Spock, who actually yells at them to leave, refuses to thank them later for disobeying his order.

It’s pretty cool that Spock is respectful of all different types of life and refuses to kill the alien creatures, believing that scaring them off will work just as well. It is worth mentioning, however, that this attitude–while fitting in nicely to general Star Trek ideals–doesn’t really reflect the Spock I’ve been watching so far, or at least not the one who was in “Balance of Terror.”

Red Shirt #2 is killed when Spock leaves him behind alone to, IDK, guard the path to the shuttle or something? Whatever, it’s incredibly dumb, and it clearly only happens so that Spock doesn’t actually have to make any choices about who to leave behind. This is obviously disappointing: in my second future hypothetical lesson entitled “When and When Not To Incorporate Classic Philosophical Dilemmas Into Your Fiction,” we’ll be discussing this episode and how it’s unacceptable to introduce this kind of ethical crisis if you’re just going to solve it with ridiculously giant spears and illogical decision making from your notably logical characters. (OTOH, we’ll watch and praise the hell out of “The Trolley Problem” from The Good Place because that episode is the BEST.)

I have to admit, I initially assumed Spock was going to choose to sacrifice himself because that’s usually how these stories go, but it would’ve been pretty interesting to see him make the big choice and not pick himself. I can’t say for sure if I would’ve liked that moment or not, but it would’ve been pretty different to see.

The Enterprise Doesn’t Stick The Landing: yes, once again, TOS gets the denouement all wrong. After a pretty decent scene where the Galileo Five are rescued, we end this episode not by discussing what it takes to be a leader or how commanders deals with the hard decisions they had to make (such a scene between Kirk and Spock, who both clearly made some pretty poor judgement calls here, could be phenomenal), but with everyone on the bridge teasing Spock for his non-logical desperation, which a) shouldn’t be the point of this episode, and b) is in pretty poor taste, partially because two crew members are dead and maybe this isn’t the time for chuckles, but also once again, Spock’s Vulcan logic is being devalued in favor of a human response. That’s not exactly unfamiliar ground for TOS, but after an episode like this one, it really does put a bad taste in my mouth.

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“I say we hit them dead on.”
“Yes, I know, but fortunately I’m giving the orders.”

Hello! It’s been a busy few weeks here at My Geek Blasphemy: I traveled to WorldCon, then DragonCon, then to a good friend’s wedding, and while I had fun at all those events, I also kinda never want to leave my couch again. Sadly, I suspect that such a plan might prove unsustainable in the long term.

In the short term, however, it gives me time to start watching TOS again.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

The Enterprise comes across a mysterious planet, right before Sulu and Kirk up and vanish from the bridge. An away team beams down to investigate. Quickly, they come across an actual castle, where they meet the retired General Trelane, an immature, foppish, seemingly all-powerful alien who’s enamored of human military conquests and customs. He’s also abducted Sulu and Kirk and now refuses to let any of them leave.

Spock manages to beam up his missing crew members, but Trelane pops up on the bridge and whisks them straight back, this time including Spock, Uhura, and Today’s Random Blonde Yeoman. After forcing Uhura to play music and Today’s Random Blonde Yeoman to dance, Trelane accepts Kirk’s challenge to a duel. Kirk, who’s since realized that much of Trelane’s power actually comes from advanced technology (rather than innate ability), uses his shot to destroy a giant mirror and the machine hiding behind it.

Trelane is furious and disappears, while Kirk and the others beam back to the Enterprise and hightail it out of there. Unfortunately, no matter which way they go, the planet suddenly appears, blocking their path. Kirk, alone, is then transported back to the surface, where Trelane (now dressed up as a judge) condemns him to death by hanging. Kirk, trying to buy more time for his ship to escape, convinces Trelane that he’ll have more fun if he hunts Kirk instead. Trelane does, indeed, have fun doing this, but before he can finish the job, his glowy, shapeless, alien parents pop up and say that he’s been a very bad boy, that humans are conscious beings and also if he can’t play with his pets right, he doesn’t get to have any. Trelane–now speaking like an actual child, rather than just childishly–is taken away, while Kirk returns to the Enterprise.

MY TAKE

The most interesting thing about this episode is that–according to Peter David, anyway–this is our first introduction to the Q, not that anyone refers to Trelane or his parents as such here.

Honestly, he doesn’t seem very Q-like to me: like, I get the dude’s seemingly all-powerful and everything, but c’mon, so are half the dudes this season, right? Feels like every three episodes we’re running into some alien asshole with a fuck ton of magic juice, and they’re hardly all part of the Q Continuum. Shit, Trelane’s abilities aren’t even internal; he needs tech for any of his reality-breaking Thanos-snaps. Admittedly, though, it’s been about a bazillion years since I read Q-Squared, so maybe there’s an explanation in there that I’m unaware of.

Otherwise, this is a breezy little episode: enjoyable enough, a bit silly, not hugely ambitious. The politics and ideology are both pretty on brand for Trek–you know, “war is bad” and “look at human history: bloody and violent and dumb”–but none of it’s very in depth. Honestly, “The Squire of Gothos” comes across more like a weirdly comedic version of “Charlie X” than anything else, and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the ending. On one hand, I enjoy learning that Trelane isn’t just mean-spirited and childish; he is quite literally a child. That revelation adds something to the episode for me. On the other hand, there’s really only so many times you can pull off a deus ex machina before the audience begins losing faith in the writers’ ability to save our intrepid heroes without one.

RANDOM ASIDES

So, the bridge officers are all drinking coffee at their stations, and it’s super weird, like, I enjoy it, but also, try picturing Picard on the Enterprise with a bag of Doritos in his hand. It just doesn’t seem natural. OTOH, I totes wanna see the episode where Sulu accidentally knocks his cup of coffee over the navigation controls and oh noes, the Enterprise has just hit Warp 10, and Spock and Kirk were turned into mating lizards. I should check AO3 for that particular fanfiction.

I can’t wait until Chekov comes in. Until then, we’re forced to play a game each episode called Our New Helmsman: Dead or Just Evil? In this case, he’s neither; rather, he’s just an idiot. One of his more genius tactical plans, for instance, is to sneak up and attack Trelane in front of a giant fucking mirror. I’d like to name the dude Chief Asshat for this alone, but I’m afraid that dubious honor will have to go to Trelane himself, who–among other things–calls Lt. Uhura a “Nubian prize” and assumes that Kirk abducted her on one of his “raids of conquest.” (Uhura immediately draws her hand back, which is nice, although not nearly as satisfying as the idea of her punching him in the face. Pity.)

Justifiably offended as she is, Uhura still seems to have a pretty great time playing . . . whatever piano-adjacent instrument that is. Ah, a harpsichord. (Don’t judge me. This is exactly the kind of thing Google was built for.) While I do enjoy the musical continuity here (she’s performed, what, three times this season), I wish Uhura actually got to do more interesting communications-related things. At this point, she feels less like an officer and more like the Enterprise’s Official Bard. (Admittedly, this would be a badass position to have.)

I love that Spock won’t let Scotty go on the away mission because he’s too valuable to the ship. Spock also lists himself as too valuable, which is supremely awesome. MORE OF THIS, PLEASE.

Then again, Spock also recovers Kirk, Sulu, and the away team by just beaming up every life form on the planet they can find. This seems . . . risky.

The mysterious planet is supposedly a volcano fueled nightmare, so you’d think the away team would be wearing some kind of biohazard suit rather than just, like, an N-95 mask hooked up to a clip-on oxygen box. But this is TOS, we’re talking about, so. At least they’re not wearing shower curtains this time?

Trelane is a poor interior decorator. Never mind the fact that everything in the castle is from the wrong time period; it’s also just, like, WAY too busy. He is, however, a snappy dresser.

The Fashion Report: Trelane (who admires Napoleon because of course he does) is wearing a majestic blue coat with gold trimming, some big lace cuffs, an even bigger lace cravat, and dark knee-high boots over weirdly green pants, like, we’re talking almost lime green here. I won’t pretend that fashion in the Napoleonic era is my expertise, but these pants seem wildly out of place to me. Course, that only makes me love them more.

Spock doesn’t understand Kirk and Bones’s romanticization of deserts. This is supposed to be yet another example of how strange and alien he is, but seriously, I’m right there with him. Deserts suck. They’re bullshit hot, and they’re full of crawling things that sting and bite. Maybe there’s no romance in my soul, but guess what? There are no scorpions in my fucking boots, either.

I’ve watched nearly 20 episodes of TOS now, and it’s become apparent to me that the show likes nothing better than ending on Kirk poking at or joking about Spock not being a normal human. This episode is no exception, despite the fact that Spock’s alien nature isn’t particularly important to the plot or theme of this episode.

There are a handful of quotes I very much enjoy here. For instance: Spock pointedly telling Trelane that while Vulcans aren’t predatory, there have been exceptions. Also, Trelane insisting that Spock should be punished simply because he doesn’t like him. And Spock certainly gets the most thematic quote of the night: “I object to you. I object to intellect without discipline. I object to power without constructive purpose.” (Not to mention, it’s so cute, how obviously proud Kirk is of his boy right here.)

Still, for pure delivery, I’ve gotta give it to Sulu on this one:

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“Anyway, the decor of my drawing room is much more appropriate. And tasteful. Don’t you agree?”
“No.”

Friends. Enemies. People who’ve accidentally stumbled over this blog whilst looking for a subscription service called My Geek Box. We have finally arrived at the TOS episode with possibly the most infamously terrible fight scene of all time.

It is, in a word, glorious.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

Kirk, Bones, Spock, and some soon-to-be-dead people beam down to this isolated colony for a little R&R, only to find it’s been completely destroyed and the Enterprise has been lured into a trap. Our heroes escape and head back to the ship, where they pursue the aliens who massacred the colonists. When the Gorn vessel abruptly freezes in place, Kirk, bent on REVENGE, continues forward to destroy it–only for his ship to also suddenly stop moving.

It turns out they’ve come across the Metrons, (another) super advanced, seemingly all-powerful species who abhors violence. The Metrons have decided the best way to resolve this conflict with minimal loss of life is to beam Kirk and the Gorn Captain to a planet they just created, where the two can duke it out to the death. Also, The Metrons will murder everyone on the loser’s ship. I have serious doubts about the efficacy of this peace plan.

As the crew of the Enterprise helplessly watches on, Kirk and the Gorn Captain square off. Physically, Kirk is no match for the GC, but he continues to survive because he’s quicker–as is literally everything. Neither opponent is allowed weapons from their own ships, but they’re assured that everything they require is on the surface. Kirk eventually manages to create some kind of diamond cannon to take down the GC, but–after realizing that the Gorn were just trying to defend their territory from what they thought was a hostile invasion–refuses to kill him. The Metrons are impressed because mercy is a sign of an advanced species, and they beam each captain back to their respective ships. Kirk semi-jokingly opines that humanity is a promising (if predatory) species and may prove themselves truly worthy in a thousand years or so. Spock, meanwhile, remains doubtful.

MY TAKE

One of the problems with watching a 1960’s SF show in 2018 is that, essentially, you’ve seen all this shit before, and not a little but a LOT. A space cowboy type rejecting his primal thirst for vengeance and ascribing to higher ideals like “mercy” and “whoops, we done fucked up with our colony placement program” might have been revolutionary at the time, but 50 years later, it’s hard not to sigh heavily at the somewhat thin and extremely obvious character arc.

Still, it’s not a bad story, and everything that happens in the arena is enjoyable enough. Watching Kirk try to flatten the Gorn Captain, Wicked Witch of the East style, with a maneuver straight out of Looney Tunes. Watching Kirk struggle to lift a semi-large rock and throw it at the GC, only for the GC to easily pick up a much larger rock and launch it uphill at Kirk. I genuinely enjoy that the Gorn don’t just rely on brute strength, either; they’re continuously shown to be intelligent, adaptive, tricky, and resourceful. And, of course, you’ve gotta love some of the most infamously terrible fighting of all time.

Honestly, I think I’d like “Arena” more if the Metrons simply weren’t in it, like, say Kirk and the GC somehow got left behind by their respective crews at the annihilated colony; then they would engage in fisticuffs until Kirk, having since learned his opponent’s motivation, defeats the GC and chooses not to kill him. You get the same basic story and theme but without the Plot Device Aliens who, let’s be honest here, kind of suck. Like, they apparently hate violence and have unimaginable power, but they wield it by abducting people and slaughtering them in droves? Yeah, no, these dudes are assholes. You know what plan would’ve been better than that? Literally any plan. Like, the Metrons could’ve abducted Kirk and the GC, handcuffed them to a long table, and just forced them to talk to one another, all without the imminent threat of mass murder.

Besides, their whole killing-for-peace idea isn’t just immoral; it’s also pretty dumb. Kidnapping two dudes, telling them to duke it out, and expecting their respective peoples to just accept and honor the results of said battle, like, that suggests to me that for a super advanced species, the Metrons perhaps don’t have a particularly strong grasp on the complexities of interspecies war. The Federation won’t necessarily forgive the mass murder of its citizens just because one captain acting without orders chose to be merciful; likewise, The Gorn won’t necessarily believe Starfleet’s invasion of their territory was accidental just because their champion lost in a trial-by-combat he didn’t ask to be a part of in the first place. (And we know both the Federation and the Gorn will find out about the arena because that’s why the Metrons gave Kirk and the GC recording devices: they want to dissuade other humans and Gorns from entering their territory.)

Of course, the Metrons never expected Kirk to be merciful. What would’ve happened, then, if Kirk had killed the GC before discovering why he’d attacked the colony in the first place? Well, the Metrons would make good on their promise to murder everybody on the alien ship; meanwhile, Kirk–presumably still thinking that a hostile invasion is coming or was at least attempted–just, what? Flies away, knowing his vengeance was sated? Or does he contact Starfleet Command? Do they send other battle ships? Do they attack the rest of the Gorn, starting outright war? Or say the Gorn defeats Kirk, and the Enterprise is destroyed. Are the Gorn satisfied? Wouldn’t someone from Starfleet come to investigate further? Would the Gorn attack, once again assuming it was a hostile invasion? Shit, at that point, it probably would be a hostile invasion, considering that from the Federation’s POV, the Gorn are murders who annihilated a colony and, arguably, got an entire starship crew killed.

One way or another, a lot of people are probably going to die because, when you think about it, the Metrons are basically the space equivalent of an old dude screaming, “Stop killing each other on my lawn!” An understandable desire, to be sure, but it’s hard to take all their moralizing seriously when, for all their big talk about superiority and peace, all they really care about is making sure these young whippersnappers murder each other somewhere else.

RANDOM ASIDES

The beginning of this episode is supremely awkward. While discussing their host and his personal chef, Kirk tells Bones, “Rank hath its privileges.” After they share a deeply forced laugh that hurts to listen to, Bones adds, “How well we both know that.” And look, I know they’re just talking about having a cook and all, but man, watching two white dudes chuckling about their privilege is just about as off-putting as it sounds.

Bones being upset that his friend is in danger, understandable. Bones taking out his frustrations on Spock, unsurprising. Bones’s argument, once he hears that Spock doesn’t have a plan because there isn’t actually anything he can do, like . . . I don’t think logic works the way you think it works, Bones? Seriously, what are you even expecting here?

While we were watching the episode, Mek pointed out that while Sulu briefly has command of the Enterprise, he never sits in the captain’s chair. Presumably this is because he’s needed at the helm, but, like, why is he needed at the helm? If Sulu were left in charge, shouldn’t there already be another helmsman on the bridge? It’s not like Spock commands the bridge from his science chair. (Hush. Science Chair is a legitimate technical term.) It’s weird, and I’m hoping the explanation is “accidental oversight” and not “inherent racism.” We’ll see what happens if Sulu’s ever left in charge again.

Listening to the Captain’s Log in the middle of an action scene continues to be distracting and weird.

Spock knows something’s up with this whole “beam down, relax, eat our food, and also, don’t forget your tactical officers; I promise we totally won’t murder them” message. Unfortunately, no one ever listens to Spock. Perhaps we should start doing that?

Evil or Just Dead: after a comment by Sabrina, I’ve decided to create this new category, in which I’ll be discussing any seemingly doomed bit players. In this case, that includes red shirts O’Herlihy, who quickly and colorfully gets vaporized, and Lang, who doesn’t even get to die on screen, the poor bastard. Kelowitz is the third member of the band, but shockingly, he makes it off Cestus 3 alive. I’m absurdly proud of him.

Kirk, apparently moved by the sole survivor’s overacting emotional account of the massacre, refuses to accept the idea that the Gorn might have destroyed the colony for any reason other than Brutal Invasion. Spock, who gives up trying to persuade him, regretfully says that if Kirk’s correct, the captain will have to destroy the Gorn ship before it returns to its home base. It feels like a departure from the Spock we saw in “The Galileo Seven,” who absolutely refused to kill the creatures picking off his away team one by one. OTOH, Spock’s clearly reluctant about his own advice, which means he’s still come a long way from “Balance of Terror,” where he was basically like “KILL THE ROMULANS; KILL THEM WITH FIRE.” (Not to mention, Spock reverses his destroy-the-Gorn position almost immediately anyway. I’m hopeful that anti-killing Spock will consistently continue.)

This whole episode gave me some serious “A Proportional Response” flashbacks. Kirk and Spock were the original Jed and Leo!

It’s kind of funny to watch everyone turn their heads and stare at Kirk when he tells them to go Warp Factor 7. Apparently, you can blow up at that speed, which admittedly is preferable to lizard sex. (I’m sorry; I know I make the Voyager joke every time. I just can’t seem to help myself.) They practically gasp when Kirk tells them Warp Factor 8.

MY BRAINS ARE GOING INTO MY FEET!

Uhura full-on horror movie screams after Kirk disappears, like this shit didn’t just happen last episode. Screw you, writers. Uhura deserves better.

The occasional “heh heh heh” laughter from the Gorn is pretty funny, though I’m not sure it’s intended as so.

The Fashion Report: Oh my GOD, the Gorn. Oh. Oh, man. I’ve seen parts of this episode before, but I guess I was so focused on the terrible fight choreography that I didn’t even notice how the GC is wearing some kind of gold patterned apron, or else 60’s mini dress. It’s amazing. Halloween is notorious for managing to come up with sexy costumes for even the least sexiest concepts–I just googled “Sexy Ketchup Costume,” for instance, and found one immediately–but nobody told me that ALL Gorn costumes are, by their very nature, Sexy Gorn Costumes. This is incredible.

Initially, the Metrons appear as colorful, disembodied lights on a screen. When one pops up in person, though, he basically looks like a Greek or Roman god wearing a particularly shiny gown and some less shiny lace-up sandals. It’s pretty hard to take seriously, almost as hard as it is to hear the the Metron say, “You demonstrated the advance trait of mercy,” and not think, “Scott earned the power of self-respect.”

Further evidence that the Metrons are assholes: “Your captain’s doing pretty badly. He’s totes gonna die soon, but we’re a compassionate people, so we’ll allow you to watch him get brutally murdered by a lizard monster while you can do absolutely nothing to help.” (Paraphrased, possibly.)

Watching Spock watching Kirk slowly make a diamond cannon isn’t the most riveting thing in the world, although the diamond cannon itself is pretty cool, and the way Spock sort of creepily says, “Yes. Yessss,” as he puts together the captain’s plan is pretty funny.

The Metrons toss the Enterprise “clear across the galaxy” after the bout, which, how far is that, exactly? Are we talking a few days travel? Weeks? Months? Gosh, I hope the Enterprise doesn’t have anything important upcoming scheduled, like, you know, dropping off plague meds or anything.

Kirk tells Sulu to head back to Cestus 3 where this all began, presumably to begin negotiations with the Gorn, but again, that’s assuming that a) the Gorn want to talk, and b) Kirk’s superiors also want to talk. I remain unconvinced. Not for the first time, I really wish Star Trek wasn’t so inherently episodic, because I’d actually be pretty interested in seeing the fallout from this episode. Unfortunately, it appears our next adventure will have absolutely nothing to do with the Gorn and everything to do with time travel.

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“Like most humans, I seem to have an instinctive revulsion to reptiles.”

Oh, time travel. Much like Shakespeare, time travel has become something of a staple in the Trek universe. And with the very brief, inconsequential exception of “The Naked Time,” where the Enterprise accidentally travels three days back into the past, it all begins right here in this episode!

Of course, some beginnings run smoother than others.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

The Enterprise accidentally travels back in time to–wait for it–the 1960’s. An American pilot, Captain John Christopher, is sent to investigate the UFO; our heroes try to engage a tractor beam and accidentally blow up Christopher’s ship instead. Whoops. They save his life, though, beaming him on board the Enterprise; unfortunately, Spock informs Kirk that CJC now knows too much about the future and can’t be returned home without grave risk to the timeline. CJC, as you might expect, is not exactly pleased about being kept prisoner indefinitely.

Fortunately for him, Spock realizes that while Christopher himself is completely insignificant to history, he’s destined to have a son who is important; thus, Christopher must be returned, after all. The Enterprise crew still needs to delete any evidence of their existence, though, which means stealing photos from a US air base. Alas, their attempt to do so results in both Kirk’s capture and another asshole getting beamed up to the Enterprise because, really, no one on the team is showing their A-game today.

Eventually, however, Kirk is rescued, and the Enterprise restores the original timeline by slingshotting off the sun and beaming Christopher back to his plane at the moment he originally left. For God knows what reason, this works, and the Enterprise makes it safely home.

MY TAKE

I’ve never considered myself particularly prescriptive about the rules of time travel. I don’t generally gravitate towards closed loop stories (especially if the closed loop itself is some kind of big twist), but as far as the physics of it all? Yeah, I totally don’t care. Mostly, I just try to enjoy time travel for the wacky fun plot device it is.

Still, this is just some dumb shit.

I can forgive it because it’s very early dumb shit, and I know over the course of the next 50 years, Star Trek get a little better at resetting timelines in a manner that vaguely makes sense. But this whole “we’ll go back in time and beam you to the exact moment you saw us, but we won’t be there, so you won’t remember us, and your past self will just go poof or something,” like WHAT?

More importantly, though, I seriously hope that after this little encounter, Kirk immediately goes back to Starfleet and says, “Okay, my dudes. We need a policy in place for how to handle potential paradoxes and other time travel shenanigans, because we done fucked up seven ways to Sunday.” Seriously, this episode is not a good look for the Enterprise. Like, accidentally blowing up Christopher’s ship? Sure, that could happen to anyone. But then Spock’s all, “Actually, we’re gonna have to kidnap this dude forever,” which, a) maybe that wouldn’t have been necessary if we hadn’t immediately given him the whole ship tour, KIRK, and b) holy SHIT, we jumped real quick to the unlawful and indefinite imprisonment of innocent people. Like, this isn’t a last resort, folks. This is Plan A. Kirk’s on board pretty quickly, too; in fact, Kirk actually doubles down on the whole Holy Ethically Dubious Shitballs, Batman! by wondering if they might be able to spare Christopher some pain by making him forget his whole family, like, seriously, what the FUCK, Kirk?

You might not be surprised to discover that Christopher isn’t down with any of this shit. Quite naturally, he tries to escape from his quarters . . . which ends up being pretty easy to do since no one apparently thought to lock the doors or even put a guard outside. Still, they do recover him pretty quickly and even decide to return him to Earth because of that Very Special Future Kid, something they obviously don’t tell him about because knowing that kind of thing too early could CLEARLY fuck with their precious timeline–no, I’m just kidding, of course, they straight up tell him about the son he hasn’t had yet. And yeah, I know CJC’s memories are essentially wiped at the end of the episode, but they don’t know that yet, so, rawr. Also, man. Can you imagine the lectures that kid would have to listen to? “No, I don’t believe you’ll make it in Hollywood because I know you’re going to Saturn! Well, I don’t care what your dreams are, Shaun, I SAW THE FUCKING FUTURE!”

All in all, I kind of just want to rename this episode “Star Trek and The Series of Incompetencies and Colossal Fuckups.” It probably doesn’t help any that, by the end, Christopher and Kirk are smiling at each other like bros, and I’m like, “Bitch, please. Some assholes from the future blow up my plane, kidnap me, refuse to ever let me return to my family, home, or timeline, consider erasing my most cherished memories, give me an existential crisis by telling me that my life has no meaning, refuse to respect my right to liberty until they see some importance in my not-yet-conceived offspring, and finally knock me out two different times for the crime of understandably trying to rescue myself? NOPE. No fond smile for you, buddy. Don’t let the sun hit your ass on the way out.”

Honestly, I’m starting to think that everyone but Captain John Christopher is a serious candidate for Chief Asshat here.

RANDOM ASIDES

Other than being a bit of a mess in the time travel department, “Tomorrow is Yesterday” also manages to include some total misogynistic bullshit for extra flavor. The ship’s computer has been reprogrammed by a bunch of women to exude a supposedly female personality: that is, it speaks in a more throaty and alluring voice, addresses Kirk as “dear,” and apparently likes to giggle–much to the disgust of Spock, who seems personally affronted by the whole idea of femininity.

And never mind the fact that I’ve yet to meet a woman who speaks anything like this. Never mind that the computer has always been noticeably voiced by a woman, if a more roboticized one. LADY COMPUTERS ARE BREATHY AND INAPPROPRIATE, AND SERIOUS MANLY MEN ARE NOT HERE FOR IT.

OTOH, one of the unexpectedly neat things about watching a 50-year-old TV show is hearing characters talk about how they time traveled through a “black star” because the term “black hole” hadn’t actually been invented yet. That’s crazy and awesome. (Also, how the show correctly guesses about when the moon landing will be.)

I get why it happens, and I know it’s not going anywhere, but I do get awfully tired of watching a dude (CJC, in this case) come on board the Enterprise and marvel that there are women there.

I’m also getting tired of–and I can’t believe I’m saying this–Bones’s attitude towards Spock. I have always been inordinately fond of the Enterprise’s Grumpy Cat of a CMO, and conceptually, I really enjoy the dynamic between the Logical Angel and the Emotional Angel on Kirk’s shoulders . . . but too often, Bones’s whole “My God, man, can you feel nothing” or “what about your heart, Spock, WHERE IS YOUR HEART” shtick has begun to grate on my nerves.

On the plus side, Sulu continues to be the BEST. While Kirk’s all focused on the mission at hand, Sulu is visibly and silently nerding out over being in the past and it’s delightful. Later, when a soldier from the 1960’s has confiscated Kirk’s beeping communicator, Sulu–with big, innocent eyes–lies, “I didn’t hear anything.” Cracked me right up.

Kirk has some pretty great reactions himself this episode. His utter exasperation after Spock accidentally beams up another 20th century dude to the Enterprise is pretty fantastic. Also, his astounded, “What?” when Spock announces they’ve traveled back in time, or how he winces when the guy questioning him carelessly tosses his phaser. Loved all of it.

Spock’s penchant for just beaming up whoever he can get a signal on is really not going his way this episode. Also, I can’t help but notice Spock isn’t too valuable on board today; after all, he does go on the second away mission. Oh, Enterprise crew and your wildly inconsistent protocols.

Lesson 1 in Fight Like a Space Cowboy, as taught by Jim T. Kirk: when all else fails, just launch your whole body at your opponent. Seriously, just fling yourself at them. It might work, and even if it doesn’t, it’ll be extremely entertaining to watch.

From the slingshot maneuver to CJC’s orange flight suit, “Tomorrow Is Yesterday” did strongly remind of Farscape, which I appreciated, even if “Tomorrow Is Yesterday” itself didn’t do much for me. #FarscapeFan4Life

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“I don’t believe there will be any trouble in that respect, Captain. Our guest seems quite satisfied to remain where he is.”

Well, now that Halloween is over–sob–is it time to get back to Star Trek?

In this episode, Kirk is on trial for murder! I wonder what the verdict will be.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

An officer on the Enterprise is dead. That’s hardly anything new, but this time his death is questioned, as Lt. Finney had a contentious relationship with Captain Kirk. Kirk naturally insists that the death was a terrible but unpreventable tragedy; unfortunately, the computer doesn’t back up his account. When he refuses to resign, Kirk is off to face a court martial where one of his old flings, Areel Shaw, is the prosecutor. Because of course she is.

The trial goes poorly for Kirk. Despite loyal testimony from his crew, the computer clearly shows Kirk jettisoning Finney’s shuttle too early. Even Kirk begins to doubt himself. However, Spock forever believes in his bro, so he tests the ship’s computer to several chess matches and wins every single one, something that shouldn’t be possible. Someone has clearly screwed with the computer, and only three people on the Enterprise have the ability to do so: Kirk, Spock, and Supposedly Dead Finney.

The whole trial then reconvenes on the Enterprise. Kirk orders the vast majority of his crew to evacuate the ship before a white sound device is used to isolate everyone’s heartbeats onboard. Quickly it becomes apparent that Finney, not so dead after all, is hiding on the ship. Kirk goes by himself to confront him and emerges victorious from the inevitable fistfight that follows. (Also, he saves the ship, as it was in danger from crashing into Earth because, like, sabotage and shit.) Kirk is found innocent, kisses the prosecutor–because of course he does–and all ends happily ever after.

MY TAKE

My general opinion is that you should really try and limit yourself to one trial per season. Spock faced court martial only what, eight or nine episodes ago? Admittedly, that was for abduction, treason, and traveling to Stupidly Forbidden Planet, not homicide, but still. Maybe Kirk shouldn’t have been suspected of murder until Season 2.

That being said, “Court Martial” works fine until the third act. Well, okay. The trial gets a little silly at some points. Like, it’s obviously ridiculous that one of Kirk’s old girlfriends is prosecuting, especially since neither she nor Kirk wants this, and either one of them could stop that shit pretty easily. Also, I sincerely doubt some of her prosecutorial skills. She uses Bones as a psychological expert, which, ah, feels like a stretch, especially since she just wants him to give expert testimony that if Dude A hates Dude B, Dude B can become so resentful that he starts hating Dude A.

Seriously. This is pathetic.

Still, it’s the third act where things just get totally ludicrous. Finishing the trial on the Enterprise–instead of, you know, just putting the trial on hold and sending some officers to find and capture Finney–is dumb. Individually singling out each heartbeat with a special device when you can apparently use the computer to do the exact same thing is also dumb. Kirk going down to face the bad guy on his own is incredibly dumb, like, there is no rationale for this, none. TOS was a groundbreaking show full of new SF concepts and progressive ideals (well, for the 60’s), but sometimes I watch these episodes and can’t stop imagining an antsy producer running around, yelling, “But you put in a scene where Kirk fights someone, right? PEOPLE WON’T WATCH OUR SHOW IF CAPTAIN KIRK DOESN’T RIP OFF HALF HIS SHIRT WHILE FIGHTING SOMEONE!”

It should be said that the stunt actors are even more obvious this episode than normal. Good Lord. I’m sure this shit is hard, but, like, try.

RANDOM ASIDES

Kirk’s attorney, Cogley, is played by Elisha Cook Jr., who I recently just watched in House on Haunted Hill. I enjoy him much more in this role, though the script forces him to lay it on absurdly thick when he’s defending Kirk, speechifying about how a machine doesn’t have rights but a man must, and humans being brought down to the level of the machine, and so on and so forth. He actually says, without any irony, “in the name of humanity.” Honestly, I’m kind of embarrassed for him, although it is pretty cool to hear him speak of important documents written post-1966. The Fundamental Declarations of the Martian Colonies, for instance. I wanna hear more about those.

Here’s a weird problem: Jame, Finney’s annoying daughter, screams at Kirk in the beginning of this episode for murdering her father. However, she later changes her tune, insisting that Kirk could never have killed her dad, which is a rather strange position for her to take, considering the evidence against him is stronger than ever. Kirk, not especially observant, doesn’t think anything of this; Cogley, on the other hand, is suspicious as hell. It seems like he has the inklings of an argument now, evidence to prove, a strategy to use in court . . . but then they return to court, and Cogley has nothing and has to rest the case. Shit, Jame doesn’t even appear in the episode again; Cogley leaves the Enterprise to grab her (in case they need to talk Finney down) but then Kirk takes care of Finney in a more aggressive, manly way, so . . . that’s it. Like, why? Why did we waste our time with any of this?

Fashion Report: Well, Areel Shaw first comes on scene wearing some kind of bright green, yellow, and pink patterned mullet dress with big matching earrings and canary yellow leggings, so that’s certainly a look. Jame’s costume is worse, though: Mek accurately describes it as a “shiny, galactic, sail girl” outfit, matched with white leggings that basically scream “look how young I am.” And apparently men’s fashion hasn’t much improved, either, taking Cogley’s brown jacket into consideration: it comes with a deep-V leather collar and ugly matching leather pockets.

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve become a bit frustrated with Bones’s attitude towards Spock; in this episode, however, their dynamic is on point. It probably helps that Bones has actual reason to be agitated, like, his BFF might be going to jail for murder and Spock’s just sitting around, playing chess. Admittedly, Bones should definitely be smart enough to realize Spock’s not just playing chess, but still. The reaction feels genuine enough.

Spock is referred to as “half-Vulcanian” in court, rather than “half-Vulcan,” which I find interesting.

Richard Webb’s performance as Finney is not what you might call subtle; rather, he definitely goes for the bug-eyed crazy approach. Presumably, though, this is what the director wanted, considering today’s weird and intrusive voiceover from Kirk: “Beaten and sobbing, Finney told me where he had sabotaged the prime energy circuits.”

One of the funniest things about this episode is the video evidence that seems to condemn Kirk. Where, exactly, is the camera that’s recording the bridge? From one angle, it appears that it’s positioned above the view screen, but when the prosecutor wants the footage magnified, it completely flips direction, no longer facing Kirk but behind him. What, is there another secret camera? Are the very walls recording everything? And what the shit are these controls anyway? What drunk starship designer put the Red Alert button next to the Jettison Pod button anyway?

Oh, and that special white sound device? Yeah, that’s a microphone with a band around it. I understand your terrible budget, Star Trek, I really do, but good lord.

Apparently, it’s not just me getting fed up with all of Kirk’s “old friends” popping up every episode. Bones, too, takes the time to snark about it, although I sorta wish the exchange went like this:

Bones: All my old friends look like doctors. All his look like you.
Shaw: Actually, I am a doctor.

Then she could’ve slapped him and moved on. (Yes, I know she wasn’t a doctor. But since she shouldn’t have been prosecuting the case, either, I’m okay with the career change.)

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“Spock, you’re the most cold-blooded man I’ve ever known.”
“Why thank you, Doctor.”

You ever play that game where someone writes the first paragraph of a story and hands it to the next person, who writes the second paragraph of the story and hands it to a third person, who–while looking only at the directly preceding section–writes the third paragraph of the story, and so on and so forth? Usually, you get something that only kinda/sorta makes narrative sense, and not just because Janet tried to skew the whole collaboration into a string of alien sex jokes. Don’t try and look innocent, Janet; there were no aliens OR butt stuff anywhere in the six preceding paragraphs!

Well, that’s kinda what this episode reminds me of. Minus Janet and the butt stuff.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

Sulu and Lt. O’Neal are on an away mission, trying to locate the U.S.S. Archon, a ship which crashed on this remote planet 100 years ago. Evidently, the mission has gone poorly because sinister monks with magic sticks appear to be chasing them. Sulu asks for an emergency evac, but unfortunately the transporter room does not have their shit together today. O’Neal runs off, panicked, while Sulu gets zapped with the magic stick. By the time the Enterprise beams him up, Sulu’s been absorbed (AKA, brainwashed), all big grins and babbling about paradise.

It’s up to Kirk, Spock, Bones, and a few other dudes to beam down to Vaguely Old West Planet and investigate. Everyone they encounter seems as blissed out as Sulu, until the clock strikes 6, that is, and the “Red Hour” begins. Then everyone freaks the fuck out: screaming, attacking one another, attacking themselves, etc. The away team gets to safety, but one of the old local dudes is upset because all young people are supposed to be outside, participating in Festival. The all-seeing Landru, apparently, will not be pleased.

Everyone returns to normal (well, normal-ish) by the following morning; unfortunately, the sinister monks (AKA, lawgivers) try and take our heroes into custody. Kirk straight-up refuses to go, which completely stumps these dudes. Then the away team escapes with a member of the underground resistance, discovering a brainwashed O’Neal along the way. They stun him and hide out in a castle, or something, learning what happened to the missing U.S.S. Archon: it crashed due to mysterious heat beams emanating from the planet. Naturally, those same beams are threatening the Enterprise now.

Quickly, the away team is captured. They wake up in a prison cell, but oh noes! Bones has been absorbed! Kirk appears to get absorbed next, but it’s all a ruse: another undercover resistance member is helping them. Bones realizes this and starts screaming TRAITORS (it’s delightful), but Kirk quickly knocks him out. Then he and Spock find Landru: an ancient computer programmed with all the knowledge/experiences of Human Landru, who lived 6,000 years ago. But Computer Landru doesn’t have a soul (yawn), so Kirk easily talks it into self-destruction. (His argument? Computer Landru is harmful to the Good because it hasn’t let people make choices, which means they haven’t been allowed the opportunity for creativity, and without creativity, there is no life.) Once Computer Landru blows up, everyone goes back to normal and the Enterprise can safely leave.

MY TAKE

Well. It starts good.

I’m a sucker for a good in media res beginning, and at times the brainwashed citizens are genuinely creepy. The scene where they slowly stalk after our heroes in unison, each silently brandishing a weapon, is slightly comical but also eerie as shit. It’s a lot of fun to watch Sulu and Bones under mind control. And everything about the Red Hour is fantastic, up to and including its ominous name. This is an intriguing, completely unexpected version of Hate Plague, and I was really into the mystery of it all.

So, it’s pretty disappointing that no one in this show bothers to solve that mystery.

Velma would never allow this to happen.

Why the Red Hour is necessary to keeping order, why old people are exempt from it, etc. Festival is the most striking aspect of this episode, and after 20 minutes, they never mention it again. It’s frustrating.

I’m also not particularly impressed by the whole “Landru is a computer” reveal or by how quickly Kirk gets said computer to self-destruct. The former is pretty boring and reminds me way too strongly of “What Are Little Girls Made Of” (which I also didn’t like), while the latter is just patently ridiculously. I don’t necessarily mind the Logic Bomb trope in theory–for instance, I kind of enjoyed it in Stephen King’s Wizard and Glass–but Kirk barely has to ask five questions before Landru is defeated, and I somewhat doubt the logic of his argument, which, again, goes like this: creativity is necessary for life, therefore you suck, man. (Slightly paraphrasing.) This bullshit causes Landru’s downfall? This?

I’m well aware that these themes and tropes are here to stay in TOS. But since I’m also here to stay, well. Prepare yourself for continuous facepalm gifs.

RANDOM ASIDES

Interesting. I see Captain Kirk has chosen to send a whole two officers down for a planet-wide search. That doesn’t sound like a deeply ineffective plan at all. I see it going very smoothly.

While we’re on the subject, I might as well institute an official Sulu Watch, considering he’s my favorite character and all. (Spock is a very close second.) Sulu-Related Stuff I didn’t mention before: a) Absorbed Sulu drops his dopey grin long enough to yell at the ship’s sociologist for giving him the wrong undercover clothes, meaning everyone on the Enterprise is just letting down my bae today, and b) roughly two seconds after Landru is destroyed, Sulu is back on the bridge, with an adorably sheepish “look, I’m all better now” shrug. It’s pretty hilarious, although I do question the Enterprise’s policy of allowing the recently mind-controlled back on duty without any kind of period of observation.

I know it’s hard to beam people up if they’re in motion and all, but I still think the Enterprise should’ve been able to locate and retrieve O’Neal even after he ran away. Maybe if Spock had been in command. Hell, he probably would’ve managed to beam up Landru, too.

FASHION REPORT: Honestly, there isn’t all that much to report, since everyone’s dressed in either old-timey clothes or various monk robes. Still, I do enjoy that Spock actually bothered to put together a very nice, time-appropriate ensemble (gray pants, gray vest, white button up, etc.) under his big, black monk robe.

First Time We’ve Encountered: the Prime Directive! Although, interestingly, no one really bothers to define it in this episode. Kirk just tells Spock that it doesn’t apply here because this society isn’t living or growing in any meaningful way. (Which is true, but also sounds like the kind of specious argument you could use to justify all kind of gross bullshit.)

I’d give a lot, a LOT, of money to see Chris Pine and Karl Urban recreate the scene where Kirk literally tries to shake the brainwashing out of Bones, all, “Think, man!” It’s pretty awesome. Also, the scene where BB completely loses his shit and starts screaming at them for being traitors? Love it.

There’s a lot of repetitive dialogue in this episode. It really makes me want to point my finger at random people and yell, “You are not of the body!” and see who, if anyone, reacts.

Captain Kirk, our hero, is basically a callous jerk to the two underground resistance guys, including the dude who saved his ass from becoming an unwilling acolyte to Landru. For starters, he’s extremely nonchalant when he tells them they’ll need a wardrobe change and new jobs, you know, like their entire world hasn’t been entirely upended. He also tells them to start “acting like men” when they express fear of openly rebelling against their tyrannical godlike leader, who easily and permanently takes over people’s brains and has been in power for, oh, somewhere between the last 100-6,000 years. It’s cool, though, Kirk. Your snap moral judgments seem totally sound.

I guess it’s nice that Kirk leaves behind the sociologist and a team of “experts” to help out, but the phrase “restore the planet’s culture to a human form” bothers me a little, like, I know what he means and yet . . . I find myself weirdly anxious for these poor people and what culture the sociologist might decide they should have. Still, I suppose this is better than completely abandoning them with only a promise of eventual help. You know, like he totally did with the kids in “Miri.”

Landru might not have a soul, but it must have a fantastic operating system. It’s been running completely self-sufficiently for 6,000 years; meanwhile, I’ve had my iPhone for, what, only four years, and it already glitches, like, ten times a day? It saddens me. I am saddened.

LINE OF THE EPISODE

Mekaela and I have been binging Brooklyn Nine-Nine pretty much nonstop (seriously, it’s INSANE how fast we’ve gone through four seasons), so Star Trek has kinda fallen by the wayside lately. Recently, however, we did watch one episode that I’ve been looking forward to checking out since we started this TOS-watch.

Buckle up, kids: it’s the KHAN EPISODE.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

The Enterprise comes across the Botany Bay, a derelict space ship from the 1990’s–you know, back when the Eugenics War (AKA, Earth’s third and last world war) took place. I’m sure you remember it: 1992-1996, right between Step by Step and Daria. Anyway, there are faint life signs on the Botany Bay, so Kirk leads an away team over to investigate. Unhappily along for the ride is Lt. Marla McGivers, ship’s historian, amateur painter, and crushing blow to my feminist spirit.

The away team finds roughly 70 or so people sleeping in suspended animation. The commander himself is so damn handsome that McGivers can’t focus on anything but his hot body. This commander, of course, is Khan Noonien Singh, who our heroes wake up when they discover that his pod is malfunctioning. They bring him back to the Enterprise, where we eventually discover that not only is Khan a genetically enhanced “super man,” he was the last (and best) of the Earth tyrants to be overthrown. Naturally, Khan wakes all of his sleeping comrades and takes over the ship with the help of McGivers, who has been so quickly seduced by his old school negging and alpha man prowess that she’s sacrificed her career, betrayed her whole crew, and–oh yeah–committed treason, just to help out some dude she’s known for approximately ten minutes.

McGivers can’t quite watch Khan murder anyone, though–presumably, due to her weak, womanly heart–so she rescues Kirk before he can be executed. Then our captain fights our villain in a manly brawl–naturally–and pulls off an extremely unlikely defeat. Afterwards, Kirk decides that he’ll maroon Khan and his people on Ceti Alpha V, rather than putting them in a reorientation center. (Apparently, that would be a waste?) And rather than face a court martial, McGivers decides to go with him, which Khan is surprisingly chill with; he just quotes some Milton and saunters off.

At least, until 1982. Khan’s decidedly less chill then.

MY TAKE

Before I say anything else, let me say this: Ricardo Montalban is fantastic as Khan.

In fact, I like him here considerably more than I remember liking him in the second film. (Pipe down, Trekkies, I don’t think he’s bad in Wrath of Khan, just . . . like . . . he’s a bit campy, right? I mean, that movie’s got some serious camp. Most heartbreaking scene of all time, absolutely, but also? CAMP.) Here, Montalban is charismatic as hell. I wish he wasn’t playing a Sikh man, but you know. At least Khan’s not being played by a white dude yet? (Oh, Into Darkness, how you have failed us in so many ways.) Anyway, Montalban has a ton of presence here, and I can absolutely see why Nicholas Meyer tapped him to return as a villain on the big screen.

But.

It’s not just that Lt. Marla McGivers is the kind of female character that only a dude would write. It’s not just that she apparently falls madly in love with Khan before he’s even opened his mouth, or how she becomes even more irresistibly attracted to him once he insults her appearance, creepily changing her hair to suit his own preferences rather than her comfort. It’s not even the scene where Khan a) angrily pushes McGivers away after she rejects his embrace, b) insists she ask his permission to stay in the room, and c) painfully squeezes her hand so hard that she’s forced to her knees, all while demanding, “Open your heart to me. Will you open your heart?” It absolutely is all those things, but it’s also this: we’ve already done this sexist bullshit story.

Take away the eugenics, add a little psychic wonder, and we’re basically back to “Where No Man Has Gone Before.” Consider this: Dr. Elizabeth Denner falls for Evil Asshole Gary Mitchell. Why? Who knows? That’s how fast it happens. Her passionate love for him (and her belief that he’s become a superior being, the next step in evolution) keeps her from acting even remotely professional. She quickly decides to abandon her career (and, presumably, family and friends) so that she can remain on a deserted planet with this guy for the rest of her life. Shit, she even does the same heel-face turn when Mitchell tries to kill Kirk. (Because we can betray our captains, no problem, but surely *gasp* not KILL them.) And yeah, there are differences here: McGiver’s facing a court martial, Denner isn’t; Denner dies at the end, McGivers doesn’t–at least, not until the 15-year interim between this episode and Wrath of Khan, that is.

Still, in the immortal words of Jed Bartlett: “It’s the same old crap all over again.” And with each and every episode, that’s becoming more and more disheartening. Don’t get me wrong: I wasn’t under any illusions that a TV show made by men in the 60’s was going to conform to my ideals of feminism today, like, I expected shit like this. I just didn’t expect so much of it.

RANDOM ASIDES

Here’s my question after watching this episode: have men been freaking out about the death of masculinity since, like, the beginning of time? Like, I assumed that whole “men aren’t allowed to act like Real Men anymore because of PC culture grumble grumble” was a modern day invention, but that’s basically Khan’s whole deal in a nutshell, right? Considering he’s the bad guy, you’d think “Space Seed” would be a celebration of this futuristic “we try and treat people with respect and, also, not commit genocide” world, but honestly, I’m not so sure. Obviously, the speed with which McGivers falls in love with Khan is patently ridiculous, but I wonder if it doesn’t also speak to some male anxiety–and common false perception–that all women are irresistibly attracted to assholes, and if they wanna get a lady, they better start channeling their Inner Caveman right quick.

Bones is an absolutely badass in this episode. When Khan wakes up and holds a knife to his throat, does Bones freak out? Hell, no. He’s just all, “Well, either choke me or cut my throat; make up your mind.” Also? “It would be most effective if you cut the carotid artery just under the left ear.” It’s pretty great. Bones is definitely my MVP in this episode. (Probably because Sulu isn’t even in it.)

Sulu Watch: Let’s just assume he’s practicing more bare-chested fencing in his quarters. Also, some light botany.

Bones does back Khan up unnecessarily, though, like, I’m all for doctors advocating on their patients’ behalf, but seriously, if you’re up for reading tech manuals that are 200-years ahead of your time, you’re up for answering a few questions like “where are you from” and “did you happen to commit any genocides in your day?”

Also, possibly we should stop giving strangers blueprints for how to complete hostile takeovers?

Honestly, I’m pretty surprised Khan lets McGivers go with them, considering her betrayal is why their mutiny fails in the first place. More importantly, absolutely nothing happens in this episode which convinces me that Khan would become mad with vengeance years down the road. Like, he honestly seems pretty cool with getting dumped on a hunk of shitty space rock. You know, cause, it’s his shitty space rock. And as far as avenging his lady love McGivers, goes . . .

HA! I’m supposed to think Khan gives a shit about McGivers? Yeah, no. I don’t buy that bullshit for a second.

It’s been a few years since I’ve last seen Wrath of Khan, but one of the things I specifically remember about it is the film’s Battle of the Books: Kirk’s A Tale of Two Cities versus Khan’s Moby Dick. So, I was pleased to see Khan make a John Milton reference, not because I’m particularly pro-Milton (I read Paradise Lost once, six years ago, and remember almost nothing about it), but because I was excited to see that Kirk and Khan’s literary feud had even more literary references in its origin.

I’m mildly surprised that there are women among Khan’s small army of genetically modified warriors. I’d be more pumped about it if I didn’t highly suspect that the ladies were mostly around for breeding purposes.

I’m still waiting for Uhura to have plot-relevant things to do; in this episode, she’s mostly just around to get slapped by one of Khan’s soldiers. OTOH, she does have a pretty great “how dare you touch me, you ASSHOLE” look on her face after he does so. Which I found pretty fulfilling, even if she does have to immediately duck her head in horror when Khan (incorrectly) announces that Kirk is dead. Uhura also gets a tiny moment of background greatness when she watches Spock and Bones bicker back and forth, obviously amused.

I love the scene where Spock’s discomfited by Kirk, Bones, and Scotty’s admiration of Khan, though I’m trying to decide if I find it IC or OOC. On one hand, Spock definitely strikes me as a Dude of Principle, and I really enjoy his quietly astonished “gentlemen” when the other guys begin seemingly praising a genocidal dictator. On the other hand, it also seems to me that the logical guy would be the one to admire a dude’s strengths even as he stands against him; it’s the emotional people, you’d think, who’d be unwilling to see anything exemplary in a man so totally evil.

First Time We’ve Seen: Well, Khan, obviously. But more importantly, Bones doesn’t like transporters! Finally! I have been waiting for this cranky old man’s space phobias!

FASHION REPORT: When it comes to Khan cosplay, almost everyone focuses on his costumes from the movie, but there are some delightful gems in this episode, too. Like his hypersleep suit, which appears to be some kind of gold bondage gear covered by equally gold netting that’s reminiscent of Aquaman. His hospital gown, of sorts, is actually a light blue jumpsuit that stops short at the knees; it also has a deep, deep V that ends at his waist. His fancy dinner outfit, meanwhile, is a gold patterned robe with another deep V; his hair tie, you’ll be relieved to know, is also a matching gold. I’m obsessed with all of this.

Kirk records commendations for his bridge officers before he passes out and loses control of his ship. That’s nice. He’s a considerate boss, sometimes.

There’s a lot of outstanding dialogue in this episode. All of Bones’s “call me Dr. Badass” lines, obviously. I rather like when Spock’s all, “I’m surprised to see you, Captain, though pleased,” when Kirk turns out to be alive. I’m also a big fan of this exchange:

“Care to join the landing party, Doctor?”
“Well, if you’re actually giving me a choice–”
“I’m not.

Still, I think Line of the Episode will have to go to a different exchange between Bones and Kirk. Because it’s both amusing and gloriously cheesy, all at the same time:

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“He’ll live.”
“My compliments.”
“Oh, no, I’m good, but not that good. There’s something inside this man that refuses to accept death.”

Now that I’ve finished obsessively watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine–well, until Season 6 comes out in January, that is–it’s time to return to TOS.

Today’s episode is all about the cost of war, and while it’s probably one of the best TOS episodes I’ve watched thus far, I still have some serious ideological problems with it.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

Eminiar VII is not interested in guests. The planet has more-or-less posted a warning sign that reads “Keep The Hell Off My Lawn – Seriously Don’t Come Here, Not For Any Reason.” Unfortunately, this Chief Asshat Diplomat wants to establish diplomatic relations with the planets in this particular star cluster and orders the Enterprise to enter their territory anyway.

Reluctantly, Kirk does so, beaming down to the planet’s surface with Spock and a few people from Security. At first, they’re treated politely, assured that the warning is merely for their own safety, as Eminiar VII has been fighting an interplanetary war for 500 years. Quickly, however, the city is attacked . . . except no bombs have been dropped, nobody has died. Kirk is understandably confused until he realizes that the two planets have been fighting this war with only computers: no real damage is ever done, but casualties are calculated and the same number of actual people are selected to die; otherwise, the agreement will be broken and real war will begin. Worse, the Enterprise was marked as destroyed in battle, which means everyone on board must die if the agreement is to be upheld.

The Eminians all consider it their duty to die for the agreement; Kirk, not so much, so he and the others break out of confinement. Stuff happens–Chief Asshat Diplomat is a dumbass, Eminian leader Anan 7 tries to trick Scotty, Kirk and Spock destroy disintegration stations, there’s a pretty blonde for no real reason, etc–but ultimately Kirk blows up the machines responsible for fighting the war, forcing Eminiar VII into one of two options: begin the war for realsies or actually talk to their enemy and try to make peace. The Chief Asshat Diplomat stays behind to help out, while the Enterprise sails off on its merry way.

MY TAKE

So. There are things here that I really enjoy.

This episode plays with what happens when you change the cost of war, which is an interesting hypothetical and philosophical question. I like Kirk’s whole speech about how the attempt to sanitize war has actually extended it indefinitely, and I really like the bit where Kirk talks about humanity’s predatory instincts, how we can fight these impulses day by day to become better people. I also enjoy the moment where Spock makes the distinction between understanding what the Eminians are doing and approving of it. Conceptually, all that stuff is great.

Still, I’m bothered by a couple of pretty big things here:

One: I feel like there isn’t enough acknowledgment that the Enterprise puts the Eminians in a really dangerous bind. Sure, Kirk was reluctantly following orders. Sure, this method of war seems pretty fucked. None of that changes the fact that outsiders, clearly warned not to come for any reason, went and did it anyway, wading into a situation they didn’t understand and risking not only their lives but the lives of everyone on two planets. Obviously, I don’t expect Kirk to just give up his people and calmly lead them towards death, but he also shows little to no responsibility for what’s happened; on the contrary, he often comes across quite smug in how well he clearly believes he’s handled the situation.

Which leads me to Two: fucked up or not, the Great Computer War is a part of how this society functions, and while I’m occasionally Team Fuck The Prime Directive, this is definitely one of those times where I think we should, you know, at least reference it. Cause here’s the thing: we see no evidence of anyone being disintegrated against their will, nor do we see any evidence of mind control or brainwashing. We see no evidence of any particular race, religion, gender, or sexuality being disproportionately selected for death. There aren’t any protests or rebellions or underground resistance groups fighting against the system. No one here is asking the Enterprise to rescue them; no one here is asking for help at all.

But Kirk decides to help anyway, imposing the values he chooses and endangering the shit out of everyone else in the process. And sure, a change in strategy is probably in order if you’ve been fighting the same war for 500 years, but Kirk’s solution is to put two planets in a peril that they weren’t in before and take off with nothing more than a “well, guess you better figure this shit out, huh? But hey, not my monkey, not my problem, so why don’t you take this Chief Asshat Diplomat who knows nothing about your culture off my hands and PEACE OUT, BITCHES!”

And that, that I have ethical problems with. Sometimes, the Enterprise feels like nothing more than a wrecking ball of good intentions: their hearts are in the right place, but their actions are not always justifiable and they never really seem to stick around for the follow-through.

RANDOM ASIDES

Sulu Watch: Once again, Sulu is sadly absent. I assume he’s off acquiring new firearms for that antique gun collection he mentioned that one time.

Code 710 is the warning signal that says NO, SERIOUSLY, DON’T COME HERE. This is the first I’m hearing of Code 710, and I’m thinking this might have been a more reasonable approach to Talos IV, instead of, you know, executing anyone who dares step foot on that planet.

I’ve also never heard of General Order 24 before, possibly because it seems to embody the exact opposite of everything the Federation is supposed to stand for: like, wait, Starfleet has a general order for destroying ALL life on any given planet? Naturally, I immediately assumed this was one of Kirk’s bluffs, another Corbomite Maneuver, if you will, only to realize, “Oh, no. Kirk was absolutely gonna have everyone on Eminiar VII murdered if Anan 7 didn’t free the away team.” This seems . . . ah, I believe the word these days is “problematic?”

Spock psychically influences a guard through a wall. Admittedly, it looks pretty cool–Leonard Nimoy’s physicality is strange and fascinating here, much as it was in “Dagger of the Mind”–but also, what the shit? You’re supposed to be a touch telepath, sir! What is this “through a wall” nonsense?

With Kirk and Spock on the planet, Scotty is left in charge of the Enterprise and he does a damn respectable job of it: he doesn’t fall for any of Anan 7’s tricks, doesn’t let the Chief Asshat Diplomat put the Enterprise in danger, etc. As Keith R.A. DeCandido points out in his awesome Tor.com recaps, TOS’s Kirk isn’t exactly the rule-breaking maverick he’s made out to be in the films; that, apparently, is Scotty, at least in this episode.

Bones is apparently a total backseat commander: all snappish worry, no actual suggestions. It’s pretty in character, TBH.

I do wish that Chief Asshat Diplomat was a more nuanced character, rather than just an obtuse, obstinate little asshole. Especially since I feel like “A Taste of Armageddon” gives off slightly mixed messages: Kirk, in his own completely irresponsible way, ends this episode being all “give peace a chance,” but everything leading up to that moment has come across more like “diplomats are losers” and “let the real men make the decisions.” So . . . give peace a chance, but let the military be in charge of when and where and how and why? I’m not sure that’s gonna work out well, longterm.

FASHION REPORT: Unnecessary Blonde’s outfit is interesting, of course: she’s wearing a blue, white, and black striped toga-sheet over tight black pants, leaving the side of her abdomen exposed. But it’s the guards who particularly crack me up today: their weird criss-crossing jumpsuits–mildly reminiscent of the jumpsuits in “What Are Little Girls Made Of”–and their HATS. Look at these HATS.

Unnecessary Blonde is played by Barbara Babcock, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her performance; she just isn’t given very much to do. For starters, she’s introduced to the subtle sounds of TOS’s signature “Hot Lady Alert” music, signifying a possible romantic relationship between her and Kirk . . . only that never gets off the ground. Which is fine, really; the last thing Kirk needs is another hot blonde to make out with. And the beginning of her story is interesting enough: along with the crew of the Enterprise, UB is selected as one of the many people who must kill themselves for the sake of the agreement, and while she’s definitely not jazzed about it, she also 100% believes that it’s her duty to do this. It’s no big surprise that Kirk saves her, of course, but unfortunately that’s pretty much the end of her story: she’s never allowed the competition of an actual arc. We never get to see her come to the realization that she was wrong, for instance, that she shouldn’t be asked to throw her life away like this. Alternatively, she’s never given the opportunity to double down and be an actual foil to Kirk, say, sacrificing her life in an attempt to keep him from destroying the war machines. Presumably, UB’s around to put a human face on all the people needlessly dying, but really, she’s just a half-written character who, after a promising 15-minutes, gets dragged around from room to room while occasionally repeating token protests.

On the upside, today’s random yeoman is an Asian woman who gets a name (Yeoman Tamura) and actual dialogue (not, like, a lot, but still). She also gets to double as Security, when she holds a phaser on UB to make sure our arc-less character doesn’t try and vaporize herself. I don’t imagine Tamura will be back, sadly, but still, it was nice to see her.

You know who hasn’t been back in forever? Nurse Chapel. She is coming back, right?

Kirk Fu: I went ahead and made this category because it’s not an episode of Trek if Kirk doesn’t brawl with someone, right? This fight is particularly notable because a) his shirt isn’t torn in half (boo, hiss), and b) he loses! (Although he easily gets the upper hand in a different scene later, of course, but still. LOSER!)

Seriously. Are there TOS episodes that don’t end with Kirk and Spock bantering on the bridge? I mean, I enjoy their banter and all, but I’m starting to think this happens more than Sam and Dean pulling over to the side of the road at the end of every Supernatural episode, you know, to manfully talk about their feelings while crying the occasional, silent tear. (Disclaimer: it’s been roughly eight years since I watched SPN, so I don’t know if they still do this.)

There’s some decent dialogue in this episode. My favorite bit of humor comes from Spock casually telling a guard, “Sir, there is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder” before neck-pinching said guard when he looks down. Still, much as Kirk frustrates me in this episode, I do very much like his speech to Anan 7. And so . . .

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“We can admit that we’re killers, but we’re not going to kill today. That’s all it takes. Knowing that we’re not going to kill today.”

There have been plenty of old flames in this first season of Star Trek. Bones ran into his ex-girlfriend. (She was actually a salt-devouring monster.) Nurse Chapel ran into her ex-fiancee. (He was actually a robot.) Kirk’s had, what, 87 ex-girlfriends pop up out of the blue? (Okay, only three, and none of them were trying to kill anyone–although one did turn out to be a sexy hologram.)

Well, now it’s Spock’s turn. On the plus side, she’s actually who she says.

On the downside, she’s being mind-controlled by a space plant.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

The Enterprise arrives at Omicron Ceti III, where they expect to recover the bodies of several colonists, all of whom should’ve been killed by these deadly berthold rays. So, Kirk and co. are very surprised to see that everyone on OC III is alive and happy. Spock is doubly surprised because Leila, a woman who’d once fallen in love with him, also lives at the colony. And Bones is, uh, quadruple-y surprised because the colonists are so ridiculously healthy that one of them has apparently regrown his own appendix.

Leila tricks Spock into approaching this big plant, which promptly erupts spores everywhere. After a briefly painful transitionary period, Spock becomes downright giddy, realizing that he’s in love (and actually capable of being in love) for the first time ever. Quickly, everyone on the away team, save Kirk, is similarly affected. Shortly after that, everyone on the Enterprise is, too. The crew all decide to effectively mutiny by sabotaging the ship and beaming down to the planet’s surface, where they can live for the rest of their lives in a happy, passive haze.

Alone on the Enterprise, Kirk gets another surprise whiff of the peace plant and begins to succumb, only to realize he can fight the mind control with negative emotion. He tricks Spock back on board and hurls vicious, speciest bullshit at him until Spock attacks. Spock, now himself again, helps Kirk save everyone else with science. The colonists, presumably including Leila, all decide to relocate so they can try to accomplish what they originally set out to do. Meanwhile, Spock realizes that his time on OC III with Leila is the only time he’s ever been truly happy.

MY TAKE

The best thing about this episode, hands down, is watching Leonard Nimoy goofing around: openly laughing, hanging from tree branches, blithely ignoring Kirk’s orders, etc. These scenes are a goddamn delight. I was utterly charmed by each and every one of them.

I don’t know, however, that the love story works for me quite as well, for reasons I’m having trouble articulating at present.

There are aspects of it that I find interesting. It seems clear that Spock regards Leila with–if not wuv, true wuv–then at least some sort of genuine affection. And he does seem to regret his inability to love her the way she so clearly wants to be loved. That, I don’t have any problem with. But this episode also seems to suggest that Spock is incapable of romantic love entirely, not to mention flat out states that his brainwashed time on the planet is the first time he’s ever been happy, and that, that I’m not so crazy about.

That Spock loves differently works for me, that his understanding and experience of happiness is not the same as a human’s, like, sure, obviously. His speech about self-made purgatories is moving, not to mention brilliantly acted; even just the simple line of “I am not like you” while struggling against the peace plant’s control is really great. But none of that’s quite the same thing as being flat-out incapable of romantic love. Perhaps it’s because I’m watching Star Trek backwards, in a sense, but that’s never really been my understanding of Spock as a character or Vulcans as a culture. And while I do like the idea that Spock might regret the loss of this newfound euphoria he experienced, I’m considerably troubled by the idea that, according to this episode, Spock has never actually been happy except under the influence of a mind-controlling organism. He’s never been happy when he’s him. That seems wrong to me.

In general, I enjoy Kirk pondering that humans aren’t meant for tranquility. We’re meant to constantly struggle, push, and pursue; we’re meant to continuously evolve. Still, I can’t help but feel that the bittersweet end of this episode is a little too heavy on the bitter, that maybe its concepts of “love” and “happiness” are both a bit too narrow for my tastes.

RANDOM ASIDES

I don’t know, guys. Maybe it wouldn’t help, but I feel like if I’m beaming down to a planet where my skin’s gonna disintegrate–even if it doesn’t happen, like, immediately–I might still attempt wearing some kind of protective gear.

Of course, it’s not all bad on Omicron Ceti III. Sure, if the death rays don’t get you that just means the mind control is working, but also, there are no insects anywhere on this world, so. Could be worse, right?

Sulu Watch: Praise the Lord, Sulu is actually in this episode! Sadly, not only does he get brainwashed again (that’s two for two now, for both him and Bones), he’s sorta the butt of the joke here. “When it comes to farms,” Sulu says, hopping up on a side rail next to a sizable pink plant, “I wouldn’t know what looked right or wrong if it were two feet from me.” (And in case that line was too subtle, the camera focuses on the plant a second longer than necessary, not to mention the Significant Clue Music that’s playing in the background.) I’m amused by the line, as I, too, know very little about farms, but maybe it should have been delivered by someone whose (admittedly varied) list of hobbies doesn’t include botany?

Speaking of lines that probably should’ve been delivered by someone else: maybe Spock isn’t the best choice for “it’s a true Eden, Jim.” Like, what?

Spock is, by all accounts, the MVP of this episode, but he still gets a moment for some typical 60’s-era sexism: “I never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question,” to which I think we’re all like . . .

Spock’s other line that made me roll my eyes pretty hard? “Emotions are alien to me. I’m a scientist.” One, that’s a bullshit response to somebody saying, ‘Hey, try to listen to my POV,’ but also, incorrect, sir: emotions are alien to you because you were raised on Vulcan, not because you believe in empirical data and the scientific method. The whole ‘scientists are emotionless tin men in need of working hearts’ thing is one boring ass trope.

When Kirk reminds the audience that the colonists shouldn’t be alive, Sulu tentatively asks, “Is it possible that they’re not?” Which, frankly, I think is a perfectly reasonable question, considering the kind of shit this crew gets up to on a weekly basis.

Bones is no longer in possession of his tonsils; also, he’s broken two ribs before. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do with this information, but I’m filing it away for future reference. More importantly, Bones, under the influence of the peace plant, goes Southern, like, x 1000. It’s . . . it’s a choice.

It saddens me that human architecture has apparently not changed in multiple centuries. We’re across the galaxy on an alien planet, and we’re still using picket fences? This is some bullshit. I want to see farmhouses of the future, damn it.

Kirk says a lot of bullshit when he’s trying to provoke Spock into attacking him, but I find the line about Vulcan as a “planet of traitors” particularly interesting. Is there actually any basis for such an insult? Also, it’s nice to see that there’s a longstanding tradition of Kirk trying to piss off Spock to the point of attempted murder.

This is the extremely rare episode of television where the Hate Plague trope is actually a positive solution, for once, rather than just the crisis. I kind of enjoy that.

FASHION REPORT: Actually the fashion in this episode isn’t very exciting at all, but I did wanna note that Leila is, by TOS standards, dressed very conservatively: overalls and a shirt with three-quarter length sleeves. It’s like I don’t know this show at all.

Spock tells Leila he has another name, but that she’d never be able to pronounce it. Do we ever learn it? I need to knooooow.

Wait. Wait. Stop the fucking presses. Spock has seen a motherfucking dragon? WHERE IS MY FLASHBACK EPISODE? I DEMAND IT IMMEDIATELY!

Man, Line of the Episode is hard today. Initially, I was inclined to go with Bones’s dry observation, “Pure speculation, just an educated guess, I’d say that man is alive.” Still, ultimately I had to go with this exchange, if only for Leonard Nimoy’s delightful delivery.

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“You were told to report to me at once.”
“I didn’t want to, Jim.”

Years ago, at DragonCon, I watched Mother Horta take home the crown at the annual Miss Star Trek Universe Pageant. Of course, that mostly meant I had to do some quick Googling because, not having actually watched TOS yet, I had no real frame of reference for who this character was.

So, it was to my great delight when–almost 20 minutes into “The Devil in the Dark”–I sat up and realized, Holy shit, this is the Mother Horta episode!

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

The Enterprise arrives at Janus VI, a super important mining colony where 50 workers have been killed by some tunnel monster. (Specifically, they’ve been burned to ash.) Meanwhile, Spock just happens to notice this very obviously placed silicon ball on the foreman’s desk, but I’m sure those things are completely unrelated.

The monster turns out to be a silicon-based lifeform. Spock is reluctant to kill it, at least until Kirk’s in danger; then he’s all, “Shoot that motherfucker, Jim!” Kirk, OTOH, is definitely on board to kill the creature until he comes face-to-face with it; then, seeing how it doesn’t attack, decides to have Spock conduct a mind meld instead. Not everyone’s feeling so peaceful, though: an angry mob of vengeful miners come bearing their figurative torches, while a bunch of Enterprise extras try to fend them off.

Through the mind meld, Spock discovers that the alien is a Horta, the last of its generation, and has only been trying to protect the next generation of Horta from the humans. The silicon balls–of which there are millions–are Horta eggs about to hatch. Bones heals the injured Mother Horta, while Kirk manages to broker a peace between her and the angry mob of vengeful miners, arguing in favor of a mutually beneficial collaboration. By the end, Spock compliments his own ears, Kirk insults Spock by pointing out his humanlike tendencies, and all is well and good in the land of the USS: Enterprise.

MY TAKE

I’m sure I’ve said this before (and will undoubtedly say it again), but episodes like this one are always a little difficult to fully appreciate because I’ve seen so many variations on the basic theme before. I know full well that this peaceful resolution for a classic monster hunt was likely groundbreaking stuff at the time, that the whole “misunderstood beast” trope was probably a fresh twist in 1967. Unfortunately, it’s 2019 now, and I took a whole one second to look at that first silicon ball before going, “Oh, it’s the alien’s baby.”

It doesn’t help, either, that Spock immediately comes to the same conclusion . . . only to keep mum because, you know, this knowledge can only be revealed at the proper time, or whatever. (His actual excuse is that he’d rather not say anything else that might make Bones laugh at him, which is a funny line, but c’mon now.) Spock withholds (or is prevented from explaining) his hypothesis at least two more times before we finally get the Big Inevitable Reveal, and honestly, that’s just even more grating, like, you know when you’re on the phone, and you’re listening to atrocious hold music, only it keeps getting interrupted every 30 seconds with an automated reminder that your call is very important and someone will be with you shortly? It’s kind of like that: something that’s intended to be useful, but really just increases your homicidal tendencies.

On the upside, this is really a pretty decent Spock/Kirk shipper episode. Kirk tries to bench Spock from the monster hunt, and yeah, it’s probably because he suspects his First Officer is gonna try and capture Mother Horta alive, but it’s also totally because he loves Spock and doesn’t want him to get hurt. Kirk’s bemused reaction when Spock tells him the exact odds of their both getting killed is pretty priceless, like, this banter–particularly from Kirk–is downright flirty, and that’s coming from me, the girl who is always looking for epic platonic relationships. Meanwhile, watch Spock just totally abandon his principles the very second Kirk’s life is in danger, like, even Kirk calls him out on that shit. For Christ’s sake, Spock abandons formalities and calls out, “Jim!” as he starts running forward to save his friend’s life.

Yeah, dudes. Just kiss already.

RANDOM ASIDES

Sad trivia time: William Shatner’s father passed away while he was working on this episode. He stayed on set to finish filming before going home. That’s just awful.

On a happier note? Mother Horta. Mother Freaking Horta, OMG. This is the most hilarious creature design. She’s like . . . she’s like a giant brain made up of, IDK, Hamburger Helper? Or maybe a bunch of rocks covered in a ketchup and mustard magma? No description can possibly do her justice.

I feel sorry for the poor miner in the beginning of this episode. He’s extremely reluctant about guard duty, and for good reason, too: dude is toast, pretty much literally. He dies for nothing, either, like he’s supposed to be a guard, but really he’s just a sitting duck who’s waiting to be murdered. Hopefully, this isn’t how every single one of the 50 dead miners have met their end, like, I know they’ve all been burned to death, but surely not one-by-one over a period of three months? I’m just saying, if that’s the case, a change in strategy might be in order. Also, Jesus, Enterprise. Maybe drive a little faster?

In all seriousness, though, I’m actually frustrated by how the foreman is written. I don’t object to the idea that he might want revenge against Mother Horta, but everything this guy does for, like, 2/3 of the episode is all about protecting his people: insisting that going after the creature is suicide, demanding mass evacuations, etc. This is all pretty reasonable for a dude who has lost 50 of his workers–so it makes little sense when he completely 180s, all WE WON’T BE CHASED AWAY; WE WILL KILL THIS MONSTER WITH OUR BARE HANDS, you know, just as soon as the Moral of the Story requires it. It’s pretty weak.

Y’all know I adore me some Leonard Nimoy, but the mind meld scene here is . . . not good. Or it’s great, rather, if you’re going for hysterical, but man. “PAIN!” Spock screams, as I crack up and Mek jokes that Marina Sirtis must watch this clip and be all, “Suck it haters.”

Which, gotta agree. I’m not saying I’ve never mocked a Troi line (my personal favorite is “I have to find you! I have to tell you!”) but in this particular scene, Nimoy’s telepathy is just as cheesy and laughably bad as anything Sirtis did on TNG.

First Time We’ve Encountered: I’m a Doctor, Not a Fill-in-the-Blank! (In this case, it’s “bricklayer.”) This is exciting! Although it should be said, while I agree with Kirk’s sentiment here–namely, that Bones is a healer and Mother Horta is a patient, which is all that matters–not giving Bones a heads up that the patient he’s being called to consult on is an acid-spewing mass murderer is kind of a dick move.

FWIW, The Vault of Tomorrow is a pretty decent band name.

Sulu Watch: Sulu isn’t in this episode, sadly. Neither is Uhura (or, for that matter, literally any other woman), so I choose to believe either he’s teaching her how to fence or she’s teaching him how to sing. Possibly both. Swordplay duets FTW!

I’ve said before that the ending banter between Spock and Kirk and (occasionally) Bones doesn’t always work for me–either because it’s repetitive, doesn’t match the tone of the episode, or both–but here I actually do quite like it. Couldn’t say why, exactly; after all, Kirk poking at Spock for being half-human is pretty old hat by now. Still, this closing bit works for me.

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“I have already given Dr. McCoy sufficient cause for amusement. I would prefer to cogitate the possibilities for a time.”

I don’t know if any fictional species has undergone as much alteration as the Klingons. From TOS to TNG to the Kelvin Verse to Discovery, the Klingons have drastically changed in terms of both appearance and culture several times over now.

Obviously, it’s time to discuss the episode where they were first introduced.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

Negotiations with the Klingon Empire have broken down. Kirk and Spock head to Organia, a planet the Federation heavily suspects the Klingons will try to subjugate. They meet with the Council of Elders, promising both humanitarian aid and military support, but to Kirk’s shock, the Council isn’t even remotely concerned about the Klingon threat. And no matter what he says, the Council refuses to act. Shortly thereafter, the Klingons–led by Kor (John Colicos)–take over.

Kirk and Spock, stranded on the planet, pretend they’re not from Starfleet. Kirk does an especially bad job of it, apparently incapable of masquerading as a meek pushover for even ten seconds. Kor respects this, to an extent; he’s as baffled and frustrated by the extreme pacifist culture as anyone. He’s less thrilled, though, when Kirk and Spock decide that they have no choice but to become resistance fighters. And the Council isn’t happy either because, like, violence. When Kor threatens to more or less erase Kirk’s brain, Ayelbourne (the Council leader) spills the beans about Kirk’s identity. Later, he breaks Kirk and Spock out of jail before they can be executed. Kor, who’s not here to play, kills 200 Organians and demands the return of his hostages. The Council basically just shrugs.

Kirk and Spock go on the offensive, briefly capturing Kor. Meanwhile, up in space, the Enterprise has returned with backup, ready to attack the Klingon fleet–only suddenly, neither ship can attack. No one on the planet can, either; each time they try, they only burn themselves. The Council explains that they’re tired of all this senseless violence. Turns out, the Organians are actually humanoids who have long since evolved into big, omnipotent, pacifist energy balls. They declare that all Klingon and Federation ships everywhere have been rendered powerless and will remain powerless until everyone agrees the war is over.

Kirk and Kor are similarly outraged, arguing that the Organians have no right to interfere. Ayelbourne, meanwhile, is all, “Really? You’re defending the solemn right to get billions of people killed?” Kirk is properly chastised; Kor is mostly just regretful. (The battles would’ve been glorious, he says.) And the war is declared over.

MY TAKE

Sometimes, I feel like TOS has two modes: either it sets up a compelling plot which completely fizzles out by the end (“The Menagerie,” “The Return of the Archons,” etc), or it has a crappy build to a really interesting idea in the third act (“A Taste of Armageddon,” “The Enemy Within,” etc.) “Errand of Mercy” is the latter type of episode for me.

I really like the scene where Kirk and Kor angrily insist that the Council doesn’t have the right to prevent mass bloodshed. It’s a pretty great moment, honestly, watching Kirk realize how he’s been a hypocrite, insisting that he doesn’t want war, only to get completely pissed off when someone takes that war away from him. And I enjoy Kor quite a bit, too. Well, okay. Not so much the brown face. That’s less than stellar (and, unfortunately, not going anywhere anytime soon). Performance-wise, though, Colicos is charismatic as hell. Klingons can be hit or miss in Trek (mostly miss, at least since the 1990’s) but Kor is pretty compelling here, even if the Klingon culture presented feels a bit generic.

Still. Up until this point, “Errand of Mercy” is essentially 40 minutes of this:

Kirk: The Klingons are bad! Let me help you defeat them.
Council: Nah, man. We’re chill.
Kirk: But they’re BAD!
Council: It’s cool, dude. We got this.
Kirk: I’m gonna help you defeat them anyway!
Council: Please stop doing that.
Kirk: EVIL KLINGONS MUST DIEEEEEEEEEE.
Council: *tragic sigh*

It gets old very quickly. Either the Organians genuinely don’t want your help, which–I mean, that’s their choice, right, you can’t force them to fight back–or they’re omnipotent beings who don’t need your help because Jesus Christ, of course they are. Like, it’s easy to say that no one expects to run across a species of all powerful aliens, except how the Enterprise keeps doing that. These are not the first omnipotent aliens Kirk has come across. They’re not even the third set of omnipotent aliens Kirk has come across this season, like, for fuck’s sake, are you new or something?

This isn’t a sentence I expected to say before I started watching TOS, but man, I’m getting really tired of all these omnipotent sonofbitches.

RANDOM ASIDES

Holy shit, there’s apparently something called a Richter’s Scale of Cultures, and Organia is classified as a D-? (Before anyone knew they were secretly pacifist energy balls, obvs.) This . . . this sounds like some fantastically elitist bullshit.

Sulu Watch: Hey, Sulu’s actually around for once! Well, briefly. Kirk orders Sulu to take the Enterprise and leave him and Spock behind if/when the Klingons show up. Sulu is clearly not thrilled about it, but he does follow orders. (To my shock, the person missing this time around is Bones. Also, Scotty, but that’s considerably less surprising. Sulu and Scotty are clearly the redheaded stepchildren of the Enterprise.)

FASHION REPORT: Kirk and Spock go undercover in shitty doublets and cloaks. Kirk also has some fantastic boots, and by fantastic, I mean hilarious. They’re furry with an overabundance of silly straps. Early Klingon uniforms are pretty funny, too. The pants are probably supposed to be gold chainmail or something, but they mostly just seem sparkly, and Kor’s big gold sash looks like something a six-year-old might’ve made for his dad on Father’s Day.

Spock cannot pass as an Organian because of his Vulcan ears, which of course is just nonsense: all Spock does in Trek is go undercover with various hoods and beanies and fedoras and headbands. The only upside of this absurdity is that Spock now must pretend to be a Vulcan merchant, and I find I’m just deeply enchanted by the whole notion of Vulcan merchants. What do they sell? Is it logic? Spices? Puka shell necklaces?

It’s been said before that Vulcans can’t lie. Spock certainly has no trouble doing that here.

First Time We’ve Seen: well, Klingons, obviously, sans forehead ridges. Also, Kor, who comes back as Old Kor in DS9! (I wish I remembered him, but I never actually finished the series as a kid, and my memories of what I did watch are sketchy as hell.) One thing I really do like about this episode is how the Council declares that Klingons and humans will be friends in the future, a prophecy which is later fulfilled by Worf and TNG. That’s pretty awesome.

Klingon tech, sadly, does not rate as high on the Awesome Continuity Scale. They have an interrogation device colloquially known as a mind sifter (or, worse, a mind ripper), which can record every bit of a person’s brain–but, rather unfortunately, also erases said person’s brain in the process. There are definitely holes in my Star Trek knowledge, but I really don’t remember the Klingons having this device later on.

Kirk is such a hothead in this episode. More than normal, I mean. I wouldn’t exactly characterize his behavior as OOC, and it certainly works on a thematic level, but also, I kind of wanted to slap him at one point, like, “Dude, you’re a starship captain, and this is some basic middle school shit. Get your life together.”

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“I don’t trust men who smile too much.”

Lately, I’ve been ignoring pretty much every movie in my queue (not to mention my TOS recaps) in favor of binge watching non-Star Trek-related TV. That’s not particularly unusual for me, but it has meant I’ve been thinking all these random, pop culture thoughts without anywhere to express them in my characteristically lengthy and over-analytical fashion.

So, I figured I’d take some time to discuss the handful of TV shows I’ve been (sometimes obsessively) watching over the past few months. I did consider stacking them against one another, even adding a couple of flavors to my Triple Scoop Rating System–Mint Chocolate Chip would be the lowest of the low–but then it just seemed like work, so. Meh.

The Umbrella Academy

Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Netflix
Seasons: 1
Adapted Material: Yes, a comic book series
Have I Read It: Nope. Always meant too, but nope
Spoilers: YES

Man, this show is all over the place. Some of it I really like. The basic premise (Potential murder mysteries! Child superheroes becoming bitter adults! Stopping the apocalypse together like a family!) really works for me. Also, I am–and forever will be–obsessed with mediums and their dead partners-in-crime, so I pretty much had to like Klaus despite myself. (But seriously, more Ben, please!) I was honestly surprised by how much I cared about Diego’s relationship with Robot Mom, and some of the shows’s overall weirdness worked well. Cha-Cha and Hazel in their masks, for example. Or the dance scene to Tiffany’s “I Think We’re Alone Now,” which I’ve rewatched, like, four times at least.

Still, I definitely struggled with The Umbrella Academy. Vanya was the source of much of my frustration, despite the fact that I like Ellen Page just fine in the role. It just takes so long for her storyline to progress in any interesting way, and even when it does, like, it’s still pretty obvious how it’s going to go. Of course she’s going to develop powers, and of course those powers are going to cause the apocalypse. Her annoying love interest/bad guy only makes things worse for me. He isn’t charming or likable enough to buy into Vanya’s insta love for him; I do not care that he’s supposedly the only person who’s ever paid her attention. (Maybe because I just don’t quite buy that, either? That bit irks me for reasons I’m having trouble articulating.) I was so grateful when she finally killed him, but still, that took how many episodes? Meanwhile, Vanya’s snap to the dark side somehow manages to feel rushed, like Luther locking her up was obviously a bad call, but she had just slit her sister’s throat, so, it didn’t seem entirely unreasonable? More importantly, it felt like she was imprisoned for all of twenty minutes before she suddenly went all Possess-Y Blue Eyes, and I just never bought that transition. It’s not the only storyline where the pacing bothers me (even Cha-Cha and Hazel, who I generally enjoy, seem to fizzle in the back half of the season), but it’s easily the one that bores me the most.

Also, I can’t get past the feeling that The Umbrella Academy is just trying WAY too hard to be, like, So Different, So Weird, So Buzzworthy. Which, it really doesn’t need to do. When your story includes a talking chimpanzee butler, you don’t have to try that hard. And yet so many of the music choices and fight scenes just feel like they’re screaming for attention. Some of them I genuinely enjoyed, but others kept throwing me out of the story.

I don’t regret watching the show at all, but I’m also pretty relieved to have a break from it, too. I’ll probably check out the second season–assuming it gets renewed–but I suspect I won’t be counting the seconds till its return, either.

Russian Doll

Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Netflix
Seasons: 1
Adapted Material: Nope
Spoilers: Some. Nothing the trailer doesn’t tell you, but I’d still recommend skipping the first paragraph if you haven’t seen the show yet.

I’m a huge sucker for a time loop–particularly in television–so obviously, I had to watch this show where Nadia (Natasha Lyonne) keeps dying over and over on her 36th birthday. For the most part, I really enjoyed Russian Doll. The first couple of episodes didn’t fully grab me, but I quickly got on board once Alan came into the picture. The dynamic between him and Nadia really interested me, and of course, adding a second person to a time loop is just goddamn cool.

The further you get into Russian Doll, the more it starts punching you in the face with emotions, rather than just a string of wacky death sequences. To be clear, I absolutely do not object to wacky death sequences at all. Still, I feel like the show doesn’t fully come together until you really get the Feels in the second half. It wasn’t a big problem for me, though: each episode is about half an hour, I think, and there are, what, eight episodes total? So, not a big time commitment. That’s a glorious goddamn feeling.

Both Natasha Lyonne and Charlie Barnett are fantastic in this, and the ending of the show is perfectly, beautifully bittersweet. I know there’s already been talk about making more seasons (as an anthology show, maybe) but personally, I kind of hope they just keep this as a one-and-done. Even without answering everything, it already feels very complete.

Shadowhunters

Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Hulu (by way of Freeform)
Seasons: 3. Well, 2 and 1/2. 3B airs in just a few days.
Adapted Material: Yes, Christ, yes. There are so many books and companion books it’s hard to keep track. Also, a 2013 film I never saw.
Have I Read It: Nope. Some interest in The Magnus Bane Chronicles, though.
Spoilers: Some, yes. Nothing that should ruin the show for you.

My latest obsession and guilty pleasure, even though I’m not wild about that term. Still, I can’t help but feel it applies here because there is SO MUCH I want to fix. I can easily forgive the shitty special effects because, hey, there’s a charm to low budget SFX (though, admittedly, the first season is particularly charming in that regard, even for Freeform), but Clary, the primary lead, mostly annoys me, and the initial love triangle between her, Simon, and Jace is so awful, oh my God. I would like this show 170% better if I hadn’t had to deal with two seasons of that crap.

That all being said, if you like urban fantasy, positive queer representation, and/or attractive people, there’s a fair bit to like here. I enjoy the general concept of the world: the angelic rune magic is pretty cool, if not terribly consistent (often a problem with TV, especially SF/F), I really enjoy the warlock marks (Madzie’s gills are the BEST), and I’m a sucker for a psychic soul bond (though I’d kill to see some lady parabatais on this show). Some good side characters, too: Maia (Alisha Wainwright), a werewolf bartender studying marine biology, is such a badass, and Luke (Isaiah Mustafa) is a hot, werewolf, ex-Shadowhunter, father-figure type and homicide detective, so, yeah, I’m okay with that.

And, of course, Magnus and Alec own my fucking soul. #Malec4Life

Like, I’m not gonna lie, kids: there’s some serious aesthetic appeal going on here. Matthew Daddario has pretty eyes, a great smile, and is stupidly tall, while you don’t get much more my type than Harry Shum Jr. in dark eye makeup and fabulous jackets. But I genuinely love these characters, too, and the chemistry between them: Magnus is a sassy, dangerous warlock with a heart of gold, so, OBVIOUSLY, I love him, and in my own way, I actually relate pretty hard to wary, repressed Alec, especially in the first season as he struggles to accept himself and understand who he is and what he actually wants. And like I said, the queer rep is pretty decent: for main players, Alec is gay, Magnus is bi, and Raphael is asexual (canonically and briefly discussed in scene, though unfortunately, no one uses the actual word). Meanwhile, there are multiple minor LGBTQ+ characters, too, namely, Ollie, Aline, and Underhill.

I know this show isn’t for everyone, but damn, I’m enjoying it right now. Which is why I’m extremely bummed that I only discovered it right before its final season.

Killing Eve

Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Hulu (by way of BBC America)
Seasons: 1
Adapted Material: Yes, a series of novels
Have I Read It: Nope. I’m really starting to feel like I’m letting my fellow readers down
Spoilers: Surprisingly, no

Here’s something kind of funny: the first thing I saw Sandra Oh in wasn’t a movie or a TV show but a play. I had the extremely unlikely opportunity to see The House of Bernada Alba in LA when I was a teenager, and Oh played Adela, the youngest daughter. (And holy shit, I had NO IDEA that Tsai Chin was in it until just now. Chita Rivera, I knew, but Tsai Chin? Damn it, why didn’t I REALIZE?) If I’m being honest, I don’t remember much about the play itself, other than the fact that I liked it, but Sandra Oh herself left a big impression on me, so much so that I remembered her name years later when I saw promos for Grey’s Anatomy and thought, Wait, is that . .  holy shit, it IS. Sandra Oh is the primary reason I decided to check out Grey’s Anatomy in the first place, and she’s definitely the main reason I decided to finally check out Killing Eve.

People who have not yet watched this show: start watching this show. It’s macabrely funny and touching and violent and weird, all in a way that a TV show starring two female leads rarely gets the opportunity to be. Honestly, cat and mouse has never actually been one of my favorite dynamics (maybe because it often feels so tired?), but to watch Sandra Oh and Jodie Comer in that particular dynamic is just sort of breathtaking. It all just feels so new.

Clearly, I don’t need to sing the praises of Oh, between that opening paragraph and her winning every award under the sun, but Jodie Comer is equally magnetic as Villanelle, and I’d really like to see her garner some nominations next year, too. And the whole supporting cast is also great: Kirby Howell-Baptiste, who I fell in love with on The Good Place, is fantastic here and hopefully gets more to do in second season. Fiona Shaw is wonderfully, gloriously strange, and I really enjoy Sean Delaney as Kenny, too. Really, if we could just kill off Eve’s husband sooner rather than later, I’d pretty much be all set.

One Day at a Time

Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Netflix
Seasons: 3
Adapted Material: No, but it’s a remake
Have I Seen the Original: No. It aired a full decade before I was born.
Spoilers: Some, yes, but only in the fourth paragraph

No one who knows me, I think, would be hugely shocked to discover that I like shows about dysfunctional families and time travel and apocalypses, or obsessed lady serial killers and MI-6 agents. Time loops and angelic magic probably wouldn’t surprise them, either. But One Day at a Time is definitely unusual for me: for one, it’s a sitcom with a live audience, for another, it absolutely delights in making you cry. Neither of these things are my personal TV sweet spot.

However, after several glowing recommendations online, I decided to check out the show last year, and I’m so glad I did because I fucking love One Day at a Time. I won’t lie: it did take me a bit to get used to the laughter (it’s not canned, anyway?), and the first few minutes, I don’t know. The jokes felt forced. But that got better pretty quickly, and by the end of the first season, ODAAT had completely won me over. The show pulls off the rare trick of being genuinely funny while also being topical and heartfelt. Real life issues are regularly brought up without coming across as simplistic or preachy. And seriously, the show consistently kicks your heart in the ass without being manipulative. It’s all pretty impressive.

Everyone in the cast is spectacular, but Justina Machado and Rita Moreno are particularly fantastic. People. They are SO GOOD. I cannot tell you how angry I am that neither have gotten an Emmy nod for this show yet. (And probably won’t, unfortunately. I had a bad feeling about this show’s chances of renewal even before Wednesday’s hashtag. Though, obviously, I would be delighted to be proven wrong.)

ODAAT’s third season aired a few weeks ago, and it’s just as good as the previous two, with some amazing guest stars (Gloria Estefan, Stephanie Beatriz, Melissa Fumero, Alan Ruck, etc.) and some outstanding storylines. Schneider falling off the wagon wasn’t hard to see coming, but I was impressed with how well that whole arc was handled; not to mention, it was really interesting to see Todd Grinnell in a more dramatic role. I desperately love, too, how Elena continues to have issues with her father after his total dick move at her quinceañera, that moving forward isn’t just a snap of the fingers. In particular, I really like the show’s acknowledgment that she shouldn’t have to do all the work in repairing their relationship. That’s big for me. And, of course, I’m happy about the positive queer rep here, too. (Though this isn’t specific to third season.) Elena is a lesbian and Syd (her SO, or Syd-nificant Other) is NB.

Like I said, I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if ODAAT gets cancelled. And, I suppose, the third season at least ends on a solid, positive note–but still, there’s a lot more story to tell here, more laughter and more tears and more dramatic entrances from Lydia. If you haven’t watched this show yet, I’m pretty much begging you to check it out. #SaveODAAT #AllMyLovesGetAxed

I assumed that “Mirror, Mirror” would be TOS’s first foray into the subject of parallel universes, but apparently, I was wrong: “The Alternative Factor” is not, as I initially suspected, some sci-fi parable about false alien prophets and resurrection, but a story about the dire consequences of meeting your own parallel self.

I’d really like to say it’s a good story about meeting your own parallel self, but, well. I’ve never been much of a liar.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

The Enterprise is scanning some planet when they appear to hit some sort of rift or crack in spacetime. Apparently, everything in the solar system almost blinked out of existence for a second there, which is obviously concerning. A new life sign on the planet directs our heroes to a dude with a ludicrously sad fake beard. The dude insists he needs their help and then, very theatrically, collapses.

Dude’s name turns out to be Lazarus, and he’s been chasing after a humanoid “thing” that destroyed his whole civilization. He wants the Enterprise’s dilithium crystals for his holy cause of vengeance, but Kirk’s all, “NOPE, we need those to power the ship.” Weird shit keeps happening, too, that makes Kirk alternatively trust and doubt Lazarus’s word. The universe keeps blinking, for lack of a better term, and Lazarus keeps getting into multiple fights with some mysterious humanoid shape. (Significantly, the special effects don’t allow us to see who is who here. Rest assured, the special effects will be discussed in more detail later on.) Lazarus’s wounds also seem to disappear and reappear at random, and his behavior changes from relatively collected to downright histrionic. Then the dilithium crystals do get stolen. Also, the planet Lazarus claims to be from doesn’t actually exist.

Lazarus explains this last by insisting that he’s a time traveler. The thing he’s chasing is a time traveler, too, and must have stolen the crystals. But, as we soon discover, only half of this is true. Lazarus has been fighting Parallel Universe Lazarus in a sort of in-between pocket dimension (or negative magnetic corridor). Lazarus wants to kill PUL pretty much just for existing, but if the two should ever meet in the “matter” universe (ours) or the “anti-matter” universe (PUL’s), total annihilation of everything ever could occur. So, that’s bad.

Lazarus, who totally doesn’t give a shit about annihilation, sabotages the Enterprise and goes back to the planet with different stolen crystals. Kirk manages to transport himself to the anti-matter universe, where he meets PUL. PUL’s tragic-ass plan is to capture Lazarus in the corridor and be stuck there fighting him forever. The universe is saved, but Kirk, appropriately, is bummed out by PUL’s grim fate. This is the rare episode that doesn’t end with some light banter between him and Spock.

MY TAKE

Honestly, the idea of this episode is pretty cool, like, I enjoy the basic arc of it, right down to the tragic end. Also, it’s nice that it’s not ridiculously obvious what’s going on from the get-go. “Errand of Mercy” is undoubtedly a better episode, for example, but I wasn’t watching “The Alternative Factor” whilst chanting, “Jesus Christ, they’re omnipotent beings who don’t need your help, get a fucking clue” for forty minutes straight. So, that’s lovely.

Unfortunately, I’m afraid I don’t have much else positive to say. This episode is a confused, conflicting mess, featuring characters who make baffling decisions just to keep the plot moving and a ridiculously over-the-top performance by Robert Brown as Lazarus. (I know he was a last-minute replacement, but goddamn.) I mean, as PUL, he’s fine, but Lazarus himself? He’s pretty excruciating to watch. His awful fake beard is just as excruciating, particularly because it keeps changing size–not, as we first assumed, as a clue that Lazarus is secretly two people, but just because whoever applied it kept doing it so damn inconsistently.

And those special effects? Man. It’s not the actual effects I take issue with–this show is old, after all–but how often they use them. For instance, here is one of the many, many blue corridor battles. (This clip also includes Lazarus yelling, “Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!” if you don’t believe me about the bad acting–though, to be fair, that’s not exactly stellar dialogue to work with, either.)

We see this corridor, this rip in space, and this goddamn same spinning newsreel effect a bunch of times in this episode, and I’m here to tell you, it gets old quick. Not to mention, if you’re not feeling 100% (which as of this typing, I’m not, though I expect I’ll feel fine by the time this review is posted), all this spinning is . . . not awesome. Usually, that kind of shit doesn’t bother me, but today? Ugh.

Overall, this is a tragic episode that’s nearly impossible to take seriously. Let’s just say I’m not exactly surprised to find out “The Alternative Factor” is not one of TOS’s more beloved episodes.

RANDOM ASIDES

One genuinely exciting thing about “TAF” is the presence of Lt. Charlene Masters (Janet MacLachlan), a black female Starfleet officer (Uhura isn’t the only one!) who has several lines in this episode, including one about the Enterprise’s shitty coffee. And she’s not some random yeoman, either; she’s actually an engineer and appears to have some degree of authority, which is honestly pretty cool.

I’m not entirely sure why an engineer is dressed in science blue, but that’s a mystery for another day.

Apparently, Masters was originally supposed to have a romantic relationship with Lazarus, a storyline that likely got axed because the studio was too nervous about an interracial romance. I know I should be angry about that–and I am, a little–but if I’m being honest, I’m also pretty relieved because it sounds like this “romance” would’ve been of the Khan/McGivers variety, and that shit was gross as hell. Masters is so much better than that. (Better than Lazarus, too.) I really wish she wasn’t a one-episode character.

Sulu Watch: Sulu and Scotty–shockingly, oh, so shockingly–are not in this episode. I’ve decided that they’re secretly conducting a drinking game for all these parallel universe shenanigans: take a shot whenever the solar system blinks, take a shot whenever Lazarus screams about something so loud you can hear him through the walls, etc. Your call on who wins.

About 14 minutes into the episode, there appears to be a big red sign in the background of the bridge that says . . . I’m not sure. EMERGENCY ALERT, maybe? Er. Has that ever been there? Has that always been there? Have I really just not noticed it until 28 episodes in?

The whole time travel nonsense is just weird. Like, I get Lazarus is lying and all, but because it comes so late in the episode and the truth comes out literally in the next scene, it feels less like a misdirect and more like a dropped plot thread.

It’s rare that I critique the science in anything because I’m such a one-sided English/History person, it’s not even funny, but I’m suspecting the science on display in this episode is . . . not stellar? Certainly, I suspect it’ll contradict with the science in next season’s “Mirror, Mirror.”

Very early in the episode, the top brass at Starfleet decide that the initial rift in spacetime might be a “prelude to invasion.” Which, I mean. I guess it could’ve been? But there’s absolutely zero evidence for such a hypothesis, like, we’re jumping from Point A to Point Q here right quick.

At one point, Kirk actually does the “fact” argument. You know, “Fact, this suspicious thing happened, fact, that suspicious thing happened,” etc. This isn’t really significant, mind you; I just thought it was funny.

Look. We’ve gotta talk about Bones, cause, I like him and all, but the boy fucks up this episode. At first, I had sympathy for him: he tells Kirk about Lazarus’s disappearing head wound, but by the time Kirk sees him, Lazarus is all cut up again. Kirk immediately decides that Bones is wasting his time, and I’m like, uh, no, there is clearly a bunch of weird shit going down here. I think you can trust  your CMO isn’t playing a practical joke while the universe is threatening to blink out of existence. But then. BUT THEN. Bones insists that Lazarus doesn’t need to have a guard posted, even though the dude’s credibility is seriously shot by this point (not to mention he’s been agitated and could potentially hurt himself). Bones straight up says, “Well, don’t worry. He’s not going anywhere, not this time.” He then immediately walks out of the room, leaving Lazarus alone to tumble out of bed and take off, and the medical-adjacent professional in me is just incensed. Bones absolutely deserves to get demoted for this shit.

I actually like a good handful of the dialogue. I mean, obviously not the “kill kill kill” part. But this line by Spock, for instance: “Jim, madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal.” That’s a decent line. I’m also rather fond of this exchange between Kirk and Lazarus:

“How did the beast get on board?”
“He did. Isn’t that enough?”
“No!”

Still, I do think Spock will have to win this one, albeit for a different bit of dialogue:

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“I fail to comprehend your indignation, sir. I have simply made the logical deduction that you are a liar.”

“The City on the Edge of Forever” is one of the handful of TOS episodes I’ve actually seen before. A few years ago, my dad was living with us for a short time and–back in the days of actually having cable–we put on BBC America for a classic Trek marathon. I remember this episode particularly because when it started, Papa said something like, “This is the one where they go back in time to the Great Depression.” And I–who had missed the dialogue about time rifts and had only seen Bones OD on some fictional drug and lose his damn mind–was like, “Uh, are you sure? Because that plot does not feel like a natural transition to this teaser.”

But, of course, he was right. In one of TOS’s most highly respected episodes, Bones, Spock, and Kirk do indeed go back in time to the 1930’s. And even more surprising? I actually agree with everybody: “The City on the Edge of Forever” is a damn good episode of Trek.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

The Enterprise is investigating time ripples emanating from a nearby planet when Sulu’s console explodes. Bones save his life with some very potent drug, but when the ship rocks again, Bones accidentally injects himself with 100x the normal dose. Somehow, this doesn’t kill him, but it does make him ill and delusional, screaming about killers and such. Quickly, he manages to beam to the planet’s surface, where a stone portal sits. The portal is sentient, referring to itself as the Guardian of Forever, and leads to all of spacetime.

A confused Bones, naturally, runs through the damn thing, while Kirk and the rest of the rescue party look on in horror. Then things actually get worse: the Enterprise disappears out of existence because, somehow, Bones has managed to change all of human history. Spock and Kirk have no choice but to go after him, ending up on Earth, in America, in the 1930’s, maybe a week or two before Bones arrives. Quickly, they run into beautiful social worker Edith Keeler (Joan Collins), who Kirk falls in love with. Unfortunately, Spock discovers that Edith is at the center of the time distortion: her death will restore the original timeline, while her survival will lead to a pacifist movement that will further delay America’s entry into WWII and allow fascism to conquer all.

Bones, still delusional, finally arrives and finds his own way to Edith, who nurses him back to health. Kirk and Spock rush over to him, while Edith, perplexed, begins crossing the road–right in front of a big ass truck. Kirk instinctively turns to save her, but stops himself and actively prevents Bones from rescuing her as well. Edith dies, and Bones is horrified that his friend stopped him, while Kirk is heartbroken by his choice. They return through the portal, discover the timeline has been restored, and get the hell out of dodge.

MY TAKE

As always, there are aspects of this story that I’m critical of; that’s just who I am as a person. For instance, it’s hard to tell a convincing love story in the space of one episode. Not impossible, certainly, but difficult, and I’m not particularly sure it was necessary here. After all, actively allowing someone to die is a hard choice, and I feel like it would’ve been quite enough for Kirk to care about Edith without dropping the big L bomb. I’m also not entirely enamored of how closely Edith’s vision of the future mirrors the truth, either because it somehow feels both too vague and too specific, or else because she almost speaks these beliefs like a prophet. You know, one day we will, not one day we could. I get it; I even like the idea, but it still ends up coming off a bit hokey to me. Like, yes, writers, I see what you’re doing; please settle down now and stop screaming the point at me.

That all being said, this episode is still quite moving. Interesting, too, despite the fact that by now, we’ve all seen time travel dilemmas like this before. I think it’s cool that Spock and Kirk don’t initially know whether Edith needs to be saved or sacrificed, only that, one way or another, she’s the key to fixing everything. And I really like that Edith’s pacifist ideals are what dooms everyone, not because those ideals are wrong but because they come at exactly the wrong time. It’s a level of nuance I wasn’t quite expecting from this show.

And while I still feel the romance was unnecessary–do I have a tag for that yet because I definitely should–Kirk’s grief is palpable here, and I genuinely feel bad for the dude. The whole ending is perfection, really, from an agonized Bones asking if Kirk knows what he’s done, to a quietly sorrowful Spock assuring Bones that he does, to the Guardian obliviously inviting everyone to make more journeys through the gateway. Not all tragic endings work for me–they can come across as obvious or desperately cheap–but this one is certainly an exception.

RANDOM ASIDES

When Scotty tells Kirk that some circuits are threatening to overload (presumably, the ones that nearly blow up Sulu), Kirk just says, “Understood, engineer.” Engineer? You know Scotty’s name, motherfucker.

Sulu Watch: Sulu’s whole role in this episode is to get injured, setting up Bones for his accidental OD. His presence is notable, though, for the giant dopey smile on his face when he wakes up. For half a second, I actually wondered if Sulu had managed to get brainwashed again before realizing, nope, he just got the good drugs.

Between the hilariously blotchy makeup and the constant screaming about killers, it is real hard to take Delirious Bones seriously.

However, I do enjoy his performance when he settles downs somewhat under Edith’s care. Their scenes together are great.

While Kirk prefers to bodily toss himself into opponents and Spock leans towards nerve-pinching and occasional super strength, Bones, apparently, is all about the awkward judo chop to the back and the head. It’s pretty hilarious.

Cordrazine is a made-up drug, so I definitely shouldn’t care, but . . . seriously, Bones got 100x the normal dose? Dude. Bones is DEAD right now. This whole episode is clearly some whacked out, Jacob’s Ladder-esque fever dream. Also, the whole bit about similar past cases where patients became convinced they were in terrible danger and violently tried to escape? Come on, this is dumb. No one needs this bullshit exposition. Harlan Ellison, are you responsible for this? (It’s hard to tell, honestly. Ellison is credited for this script, but apparently it was also heavily rewritten. I have no particular opinion on Ellison myself; not being much of a classic SF lit girl, I’ve never read anything by him.)

Spock’s face when the Guardian of Forever insults his primitive scientific knowledge is pretty priceless. His indignation at working with technology that’s barely more advanced than “stone knives and bear skins” is similarly amusing.

Hey, Uhura is actually on the away team! Not that she gets to do much, of course, except say, “Captain, I’m frightened.” Six people on this team, and who gets that line? Exactly, the one woman. Still, at least Nichelle Nichols sells it as best she can. It could’ve been way more cringeworthy.

Before going through the portal, Kirk tells the the away team that if he and Spock don’t make it back, everyone will have to try their luck at restoring the timeline. This never happens, of course, but I have to admit I’m fascinated by an alternative universe where, after everyone else fails, Uhura goes back and saves the day.

Kirk, like an asshole, says how simple this century is and how little difficulty they’ll have. Naturally, a cop immediately tries to arrest them for stealing clothes. Frankly, it’s no more than Kirk deserves. He oughta be slapped across the face with a dead, smelly fish. Also, the writers, because dear God, I forgot how unbearably racist this scene is. See, when Kirk tries to explain Spock’s ears, he says that Spock is obviously Chinese, which, JFC. When Kirk quickly stalls out, Spock prompts him with this deadpan and genuinely funny line:

Kirk, inspired, promptly continues the tale of how Young Chinese Spock caught his head in a “mechanical rice picker,” which, JFC. By the time Kirk starts talking about the helpful American missionary/plastic surgeon on hand, the cop has had enough, and so have we all.

As the rice picker story doesn’t go over well, and because there are no Vulcan merchants roaming around during the Great Depression, Spock’s ear disguise of the episode ends up just being a blue beanie.

Spock nearly getting hit by a car is surprisingly great foreshadow. The moment where Jim and Edith almost get hit, unfortunately, doesn’t play nearly as well for me.

In the revolving door that is Jim Kirk’s Soft Focus Love Interests, Edith is pretty much fine. I like that she’s clever as well as kind; particularly, I like how she calls Spock out on calling Kirk “Captain,” whether or not he actually says it out loud. That Kirk spins Edith as being “most uncommon” is basically the 60’s version of “not like other girls,” but we’ll try to move past that, just like we’ll try to move past all that goddamn soft focus, because if I stopped to complain every time this show abused that particular effect, we’d be here all damn day.

There’s a crude guy at the homeless shelter who starts to say that if Edith really wanted to help a guy out, she’d screw him, not yak inspiration at him. Kirk bluntly cuts him off, which I very much enjoy, although I’d like the moment even more if he showed that particular brand of chivalry towards a woman he wasn’t attracted to himself.

There’s a fair amount of dialogue I enjoy in this episode. For instance, this exchange between Kirk and Spock:

“You were actually enjoying my predicament back there. At times, you seem quite human.”
“Captain, I hardly believe that insults are in your prerogative as my commanding officer.”
“Sorry.”

Which, yes, is basically the same joke these two have made about 78 times now, but their delivery and chemistry almost always manages to sell it. I also really like a lot of the dialogue between Edith and a half-delirious Bones. For instance:

“The most common question to ask would be ‘where am I’? I don’t think I’ll ask it.”
“Why not?”
“The only possible answer would conclusively prove that I’m either unconscious or demented.”

After Edith tells him the year, Bones quickly decides that he is unconscious or demented, and when she doesn’t believe he’s a Navy sailor, he hilariously responds, “That’s quite all right, quite all right, dear. Because I don’t believe in you, either.”

Still, I think Bones made me laugh hardest at the very beginning of the episode, when he decides to administer two drops of cordrazine. Kirk starts second guessing him, but Bones cuts him off mid-sentence by successfully reviving Sulu. Then, as dry and insolent as only Bones can be, he says . . .

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“You were about to make a medical comment, Jim?”

Over a year ago, I made a resolution: to watch and review the entire original series of Star Trek. Considering it’s only three seasons long, I figured I had a decent shot of finishing it all by 2019; I certainly assumed I’d at least finish the first goddamn season by then. But of course I am easily distractible, and over the past 16 months or so, I have found numerous distractions: working on my novel, working on other MGB reviews, marathoning Netflix, doing various life stuff, and–of course–binge-reading fanfic, which is obviously the highest priority of all.

Anyway, it’s nearly April now, and I’m here to review the last episode of Season One: “Operation–Annihilate!”

I wish I could say we ended on a high note.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

Planet Deneva is incommunicado. It appears that over the past few hundred years, there have been mysterious outbreaks of mass insanity on various planets in the system, and Deneva is next in line. The only contact the Enterprise has made thus far is with a pilot, right before he flies his shuttle into the sun. “It’s finally gone,” he says, before exploding. “I’m free.” It’s a pretty bad omen, all in all, especially since Kirk’s brother, sister-in-law, and young nephew all live on Deneva.

The planet initially appears deserted when the Enterprise arrives, save a handful of irrational people who scream “go back” and “we don’t want to hurt you” immediately before attacking the away team anyway. Soon after, we find that Kirk’s brother, Sam, is dead, while his sister-in-law, Aurelan, is nearly incoherent, and his nephew, Peter, is unconscious. (Disappointingly, Bones doesn’t actually say, “He’s dead, Jim,” nor does Kirk make a My Brother Sam is Dead joke. Admittedly, such a joke would be tonally inconsistent and also impossible without time travel; I’m just saying, it’s all I could think of during this scene.) Aurelan and Peter are transported back to the Enterprise for examination, and it’s discovered that parasitic creatures–henceforth known as Jelly Borg–have attached themselves to everyone on the surface, causing such intense pain that it drives their hosts to madness and eventual death.

Aurelan, herself, quickly dies, and Spock, that unlucky bastard, manages to get a Jelly Borg parasite of his own. To be fair to Spock, he only tries to take control of the Enterprise once before–mostly–reasserting control. (Pain is in the mind and all that.) He stupidly goes back alone to the planet and grabs a Jelly Borg for research purposes. (Like, I get it; he’s already exposed, but Jesus, he’s also sick, in incredible amounts of pain, and possibly not in full control of his faculties; obviously, this job should go to a landing party in a full tactical gear instead.) Kirk realizes that intense light can kill these creatures, and Bones comes up with a treatment, only they need a human test subject. Spock volunteers and the procedure works, but unfortunately, it also blinds him. Worse, his blindness was completely unnecessary because nobody waited the whole two minutes it would’ve taken to get conclusive prove that the light didn’t have to be that bright.

Fortunately, Spock has Super Special Vulcan Eyes with some dumbass deus ex machina biological feature that means his blindness is only temporary. All the Jelly Borg are killed and the day is saved.

MY TAKE

So. This one has . . . problems. Like, a lot of them. Settle in, folks: this is probably my longest Trek recap to date.

One of the main issues, I think, is that Kirk is needlessly an asshole for half the episode–and it’s weird because we should totally empathize with where he’s coming from: first, legitimately freaked out about his family, then grieving for that family, and also in danger of losing not only his young nephew, but also his space husband, Spock.

Kirk’s anger and frustration should be understandable, even relatable, but so much of his snapping and yelling and generally poor decision making feels entirely disconnected from his grief. Honestly, it’s easy to forget that he’s related to Dead Sam at all. And that poor, unconscious kid in Sickbay? Shit, he could be anyone, just some random waif they found in an alley somewhere. Kirk has almost no dialogue concerning his blood family, so it’s almost laughable when Bones tells him that everyone needs Kirk right now, not just Spock and Peter. Kirk has given no indication that he’s been struggling with these priorities at all, so where the hell is this line coming from? And as William Shatner doesn’t emote much throughout this episode beyond “vaguely dickish,” the emotion that ought to be fueling this episode just isn’t there.

Deadlines are another huge problem here, maybe even worse than I initially realized. For starters, the mass insanity and destruction of civilization is a problem that’s plagued this sector of space for literal centuries. How, HOW, has no one addressed this by now? Why the fuck are there even still people on Deneva? Why is the Enterprise the only ship here, trying to figure this out? I mean, Jesus, the Jelly Borg apparently landed on this planet eight months ago. Seriously, in eight months time, no one managed to get a signal out?

But all of these are just mild complaints. Much worse, Kirk actually considers killing everyone on the planet–that’s about a million people, folks–just to make sure the parasites don’t spread anywhere else . . . but, like, is that actually an imminent threat? Aurelan says that the parasites are forcing the Denevans to build ships, but again, eight months, right? Apparently, they aren’t building them that fast. More importantly, the Enterprise is here now. An option that might be worth exploring is targeting those incomplete ships and enacting a mass quarantine before trying out mass murder. And, sure, Kirk ultimately decides not to kill a million+ people, but why exactly was this a serious consideration in the first place?

And speaking of those pesky deadlines: let’s discuss the decision to rush Spock’s medical treatment. Kirk blames Bones for this, and Bones blames Bones for this, but as I recall, the doctor is the only one who actually seems wary about the procedure, warning Spock about the risks and trying to come up with preventive measures to keep him safe. It’s Kirk and Spock, really, who are all, “Let’s do this. Let’s do this now.” Either way, though, it’s a pretty dumb ass decision, one that only makes sense if all the Denevans are literally about to die. Unfortunately, the episode never really bothers to set that particular death clock. (Not to mention, Spock actually isn’t, IMO, a great human test subject. On one hand, he’s probably the only person of sound mind who can give informed consent, which is absolutely important; on the other, he’s half-Vulcan, and–as we’re about to discuss–his anatomy is obviously different. There is no guarantee that what would safely work on him would work on anyone else.)

Finally, look . . . erasing a character’s permanent disability just so the episode can have a happy ending–as if people with disabilities or permanent injuries can’t actually be happy–well, that’s already a pretty problematic, bullshit trope, even without being all, “Shit, how fortunate that I completely forgot about this super convenient bit of Vulcan physiology!” I mean, dude. This might be the most egregious deus ex machine I’ve seen on Trek yet. Besides, why even take away Spock’s sight if you’re literally just gonna give it back to him  four minutes later? Like, come on, that’s some Star Trek Into Darkness shit right there.

There is some honest to God potential in “Operation–Annihilate,” like, I really do think this episode could be fixed. But sweet Jesus, the execution here is a train wreck.

RANDOM ASIDES

So, how do you fix this train wreck? For my money, I’d say you nix the whole ancient history and planet-hopping aspect immediately; it’s a little convoluted, and honestly, you don’t need it: you’ve already got a million lives at stake, plus Kirk’s family, plus Spock. Emotional stakes, surprisingly, aren’t this episode’s problem–we just need to actually show them. Give Kirk a couple of scenes, even very brief scenes, to show that his brother’s death means something to him. I’m not even asking for tears and soliloquies here. Shock will also do quite nicely. Then set a very clear plot clock: all of the Denevans will die in this fixed amount of time if Bones can’t figure out how to kill these creatures. Make sure the test results they’re waiting on will come days too late. Don’t give us the reveal that Spock’s blindness was unnecessary until such time has passed in the denouement. And, finally, don’t erase Spock’s blindness because, seriously, this trope is problematic AF, and also, holy shit, this is a great way to move into Season 2. My only real concern about keeping this is the fact that it takes away a little from the progressiveness of Geordi’s character in TNG, but hell, having two blind characters in Trek is not a bad thing, and how cool would it have been to see Spock with some (likely Vulcan) prototype of the visor?

Although, truthfully, if I had my druthers, I would make one other change to this whole storyline: I’d give it to someone who isn’t Spock.

I mean, I love the guy and all, but dude’s had so many story lines already this season. Maybe the movies should’ve prepared me for this–obviously, I’ve always known that Kirk, Spock, and Bones make up TOS’s Holy Trinity–but I really thought that Scotty, Sulu, and Uhura would’ve each managed to snag at least one episode in a 30-episode season, and I’m pretty disappointed by how wrong I was. Of course, giving this storyline to someone else would mean that we’d lose all the Space Husbands Angst, but a) seriously, Kirk’s brother is dead; he’s already got angst, and b) it wouldn’t actually hurt to show the captain give a shit about someone who isn’t Spock or Bones. Besides, Spock could totally help whoever’s infected with some whole, like, Vulcan mind meld therapy shit! That’d be awesome! I admit, though, that I’m torn on which character I’d like to see take on the storyline. I can imagine potential arguments for all. Thoughts?

Kirk, being an asshole, yells at Uhura in the first five minutes of this episode. Uhura, being awesome, gets this incredible “excuse me” look on her face as she politely explains that what he wants isn’t physically possible. Let it be known, if it is not already known, that the magnificent Nichelle Nichols is the master of the understated “fuck you.”

Scotty is also pretty awesome this episode, getting the upper hand against Spock when he goes rogue. And you know, it’s interesting. I’m primarily familiar with James Doohan’s Scotty as a comic relief character, one who I’ve never particularly liked all that well, TBH. But so far in TOS, he’s mostly been a consummate professional who gets shit done. I’ve been surprised and delighted by him all season.

Sulu Report: Sadly, Sulu easily gets the least to do this episode. He’s on the bridge in the very beginning and at the very end when they fry the Jelly Borg. Oh, and Spock does throw him halfway across the room at one point. At least, Sulu is one of a half-dozen or so officers who takes Spock down, I suppose. Still. Poor Sulu.

Good Lord, the Jelly Borg are so ridiculous looking. They’re nearly impossible to take seriously as a threat, like, even for the decade, this is pretty bad, right?

I know I’ve been very hard on this episode, but in the interest of being fair: the scene where Kirk sees Dead Sam (also played by William Shatner, but with a bad mustache) works for me, particularly when Spock hesitates, not knowing what to say, and then tries to tell Kirk he understands how Jim must feel, a sentiment Kirk somewhat abruptly cuts off. This, all this? It’s good stuff. It feels real to me. Unfortunately, it’s also pretty much the last moment where the show bothers to address Kirk’s grief. Is it fair to assume that Dead Sam will also never be addressed again in the series?

Hey, Chapel is back! And her hair is different! It’s nice to see her again, even if she’s mostly just around for Bones to yell at her.

Bones also gives us some helpful exposition, telling Kirk that whenever Aurelan tries to answer their questions, it causes her even more pain, like she’s fighting her own body to help. I found it useful exposition primarily because that’s not really what I got from her line deliveries at all, even though I’d already figured we were dealing with parasitic creatures. Seriously, people. The disconnect in this episode is wild.

FASHION REPORT: Not much in the way of fashion, sadly, but these protective goggles are pretty great. I want my own pair immediately.

I’ve been meaning to mention this forever now, but my favorite Enterprise gadget is definitely the black-and-white swirly bridge display that, as far as I can tell, does absolutely nothing at all. Although I’m also a fan of what appears to be the ship’s Lite Brite, which shows us the linear progression of mass insanity and destroyed civilizations in this part of space.

I know I keep whining about this every other episode, but goddamnit, the away team knows about the mysterious outbreaks of mass insanity; that is specifically what they’re beaming down to investigate, and they’re still refusing to wear any kind of protective gear whatsoever. FFS, at this point, I almost wish they would wear their completely ineffectual shower curtain suits. WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING? HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD ALL OF THE TIME?

Finally, this episode title has absolutely fascinating punctuation.

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“If killing five people saves ten, it’s a bargain.”

Well, after a brief break, we’ve begun watching Season 2 of TOS, which kicks off with “Amok Time,” otherwise known as the episode where Spock goes into heat and murders the captain.

God, I can’t even begin to imagine how many Kirk/Spock fanfics this episode must have inspired.

DISCLAIMER

There will be SPOILERS for this episode and probably the Star Trek franchise in general. You’ve been warned.

WHAT GOES DOWN, BASICALLY

Something is seriously up with Spock.

He’s belligerent, refusing to eat, murdering innocent computers, etc. He also refuses to explain what’s wrong, just insists that he wants to take shore leave on Vulcan ASAP. Unfortunately, the Enterprise is schedule to arrive on Altair VI, and they’re under direct orders to stay on course. But when Bones discovers that Spock will actually die if he doesn’t return home, Kirk disobeys those orders.

Spock, it turns out, is going through Pon Farr, or the mating time. He is to wed T’Pring, his childhood fiancée, only T’Pring insists that he fight for her and–rather than picking this nearby surly Vulcan suitor–chooses Kirk to be her champion. Kirk accepts, figuring that Spock wouldn’t be able to defeat the suitor in his current condition, but neglects to ask the obvious question: yes, friends, this is a duel to the death. Kirk’s not doing too hot, either–the heat and thin air are getting to him. Bones gives him a shot to help compensate for the crappy oxygen but alas, Spock still bests Kirk and strangles him to death.

Well, shit, that was a quick Season 2.

Kirk’s death satisfies Spock’s Vulcan primal urges, and his physical illness and madness disappear. He gives up T’Pring to the surly suitor and returns to the Enterprise to await punishment, only to discover that Kirk is alive and well. Turns out, the injection Bones administered to Kirk was actually a neural paralyzer that merely simulated death. Spock outright beams in his surprise and joy, and then immediately tries to play it cool. No one believes him.

MY TAKE

This is one of the rare TOS episodes I’ve actually seen before, and I enjoy it well enough, so long as I divorce myself from my Inner Feminist, screaming obscenities into the void.

On the upside, Nurse Chapel’s crush on Spock is a surprising bit of actual continuity; unfortunately, she’s mocked for it by both Kirk and Bones, not to mention the whole scene where she goes to tell Spock about the course change to Vulcan and, like, is weirdly crying for no reason and gets all overwhelmed with happiness at the opportunity to make Spock soup again, even though he threw the last bowl at her, and ugh.

Meanwhile, on the most logical planet that’s ever existed in our far-future, supposedly progressive civilization, women are literally still described as “property.” Like, come on. At least T’Pau gets to be all commanding and cool, I suppose. And while I’m probably not supposed to, I actually kinda like T’Pring. Yeah, she willingly risks both Spock and Kirk’s lives without a seeming shred of remorse, but she also does what she feels is necessary to carve out the future she wants on this backwards-ass planet. Near the end of the episode, Spock essentially tells Surly Suitor, “Careful what you wish for, cause the chase is more fun than the capture, and this bitch be cold as hell,” but honestly, if I was gonna be defined as someone’s property? Shit, I might make people fight for my ass, too.

Still, it’s neat to see more aspects of Vulcan culture, even if I’m not totally thrilled with everything we see. And, of course, it’s always a delight to see Spock fighting his own emotions–or, in this case, his horniness-induced irritability and eventual psychosis. I like Kirk’s willingness to disobey orders to help his friend, too; you wouldn’t think that’d be particularly surprising, but the truth is–bizarrely–Spock is a much bigger rule breaker than Kirk in TOS. So, I find it noteworthy. And yes, it’s pretty much amazing that Bones saves the day by straight up cheating. Good on you, McCoy. Knew I liked you for a reason.

RANDOM ASIDES

Hey, Season 2 has given us extended credits! Still only three actors billing, though.

First Time We’ve Encountered: Jesus, so much. Pon Farr, obviously, although it’s treated as a deeply guarded secret, even though by the time Voyager rolls around, like, not so much. Also, “live long and prosper,” which, excellent. Vulcan itself, obviously. Plomeek soup. And, of course, Chekhov! Hey, Chekhov!

Sulu Watch: Sulu and Chekhov are playing the roles of dual comic relief as they wryly discuss how Kirk and Spock keep going back and forth on the course heading.

Sulu, finally, is the one who predicts their ultimate destination and tells Chekhov to just fly to Vulcan regardless of their current order. These two are a fun dynamic duo, and I’m hoping they actually get some decent screen time together.

That being said, Chekhov’s hair is just spectacularly awful. I know it’s the 60’s and all, but dude. No.

Spock wants Kirk and Bones to be present for his highly private Vulcan wedding. It is, in a word, adorbs. Tellingly, the family who raised him is nowhere to be seen–although, to be fair, Spock’s family has gotten progressively weirder and more convoluted over the 50+ years of Trek history. Still. If I was going by this episode alone, I would definitely get serious “chosen family over birth family” vibes.

FASHION REPORT: It’s interesting to me that Spock can apparently just get married in his Starfleet uniform, while everyone else is absolutely dressed up. Although he does get a purple battle sash later, I suppose. Meanwhile, T’Pring’s whole look is very 60’s, T’Pau’s hair/headpiece is amazing, and the Vulcan extras? Well, they’re just hilarious. I’m not sure any of my descriptions can do their outfits justice: it’s like someone took a sunshade for their car, crafted ceremonial armor out of it, and completed the look with a colorful crocheted belt, a dumb, shiny helmet, and–I don’t know–duct tape boots? Oh, and one dude has a black mask that covers his nose, mouth, and chin–but not his eyes or cheeks. I’m not even sure what to do with that.

There are some good quotes in this episode. I’m fond of T’Pau’s, “The air is the air. What can be done?” It’s like a Vulcan c’est la vie. And this exchange between Spock and T’Pau is great, too:

“Live long and prosper, Spock.”
“I shall do neither. I have killed my captain, and my friend.”

Still, just because I’m a sucker for some well-delivered, witty banter, I’m going with this:

LINE OF THE EPISODE

“You’re going to have to kill him, Jim.”
“Kill Spock? That’s not what we came to Vulcan for, is it? What’s that?”
“It’s a triox compound. It will help you breathe. Now be careful.”
“Sound medical advice.”*